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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask partner to rehome cats?

290 replies

FruitCider · 06/07/2016 07:41

I honestly think this is going to end my relationship.

I have recently been rereferred back to a respiratory consultant after failing all winter to get control of my asthma and having countless oral steroids. I nearly ended up on a respiratory ward in April as my asthma was so severe.

Anyway, I finally got my allergy test results from September 2012 (that was the last time I saw the consultant) and they show I have quite a severe allergy to cats.

I rehomed 2 cats with my partner from a rescue 7 years ago. My respiratory consultant has said the only way to step up my medication now is to move to anti inflammatory injections once a fortnight and she "would be loathed to do that to me whilst I still have cats". She is telling me in no uncertain terms the cats need to go.

I tell this to my partner of NINE YEARS, whom I have a 3.5 yo daughter with, and his reaction? He can't abandon the cats, therefore he wants to seperate and move out with them. He wants me to compromise by agreeing to keep the cats despite the impact on my health. His argument is that I use an electronic cigarette and need to quit that first. I lost my dad 6 months ago to cancer and honestly think I would start smoking again if I didn't use it

Have I gone completely mad? Or is it reasonable for my partner to threaten to seperate with me if I don't keep the cats? I feel absolutely devastated, unloved, and unwanted. I just can't believe he would toss me go one side like this. He is now threatening to leave me and take our daughter with him unless I back down. I will literally have no-one or nothing left if they go.

AIBU to expect my partner to not leave me for the cats?

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2016 07:58

And further to that if you think he wants to break up then you could hide your Ecig (properly) and only do it when he can't know and say you've given up

I'm just generally saying that if you think he wants to break up then you need to be prepared to be just as clever as he is to secure your own interests

Hide the Ecig and lie. Ask him to give up the cats in 6 months/a years time. Do nursing shifts at weekends - lie and say they were the only ones available right now. Establish yourself as joint or primary carer during the week. Drag it out as long as possible.

mummymeister · 06/07/2016 07:58

IceRoadDucker that is a daft suggestion regarding the cats. you obviously don't have severe allergies. The OP's allergy to the cats is severe. it isn't a bit of rhinitis and a runny nose. It has nearly hospitalised her. uncontrolled asthma kills. you cannot confine the cats to any part of the house because everytime you open the door to feed them (assuming you mean lock them in a room which I think is pretty cruel actually) you release the allergens. if the partner or child have contact with the cats then this will affect you.

you cannot equate pets with humans that's a nonsense.

OP, if he loves his cats more than you then he should go with them. this sounds like a massive excuse from your partner who was obviously looking for a way to end the relationship.

don't put your health at risk by continuing to live in this place with cats.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 07:58

I'll explain about the e-cig a bit more...

I quit smoking when I was pregnant. 2 months after my daughter was born my partner lost his job and we both started smoking again. After a few weeks I switched to e cigarettes because of passive smoking and my partner did the same. I weaned my nicotine down slowly and was just about to quit when my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He died 10 weeks later (in January this year). I've had an awful year. It's miraculous that I've made it through my degree at all. I've only really just started grieving for my dad, I had to go on placement 4 weeks after he died and had to just get on with things. I understand the sentiment that yes, I do need to quit that, I really do. But now is not the time for me to try it. Even if I did quit, my partner would still be using his in my home.

I had a real in depth conversation with my consultant yesterday and her main concern is my allergy to cats. She's told me I'm at risk of having an asthma attack that will kill me and she believes my asthma is allergy triggered. So whilst she says vaping is not ideal, her recommendation as a priority is to rehome the cats.

OP posts:
BluePitchFork · 06/07/2016 07:59

There are compromises here. Confine the cats to a certain part of the house when they're not out. Limit your exposure.
you clearly don't know anything about allergies. limiting exposure is not enough.
the dander is everywhere, even making the home allergy less will take ages and a lot of cleaning.

op yanbu at all. the cats must go as soon as possible. if they are rehomed or leave with your d dumbass partner...

Tryingtostayyoung · 06/07/2016 07:59

100% agree with everything that LaurieFairyCake is saying!!!

LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2016 08:00

If your partner is using an Ecig then he's a right hypocrite.

I'd get the consultant to put it in writing that it's the cats that are the problem and not the Ecig

Twasthecatthatdidit · 06/07/2016 08:02

Oh dear. How was your relationship before this? Is this the first time your partner has indicated a lack of commitment . I'm afraid I would also play the long game and let the status quo become your partner working full time. I don't know what you'll do about the cats in the meantime though

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:03

Oh and I live in a flat. So giving them outdoor access is not an option. One of them was feral, and the other had never been outdoors. I'm not suggesting sending them to a rehoming centre, I would never want that. I'm willing to put the effort in to find them a nice home, as long as that takes.

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:03

Laure fairy cake the consultant is writing to me, because I knew this was going to happen Confused

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2016 08:05

If you knew it was going to happen then it really sounds like he's trying to dump you and take the kid.

You really need to be careful.

mummymeister · 06/07/2016 08:06

Those suggesting she plays the long game and waits and stays living in a house with the cats have no experience of severe allergies. they are just that - severe - and they are life threatening. if the OP is a nurse then she knows that asthma kills. this isn't the sort of a bit of sniffle type asthma. this is severe constriction. it feels horrible, like you have a plastic bag over your head. you cant think or concentrate on anything properly and it is so depressing. The cats have to go or the OP risks long term lung damage or a massive and hospitalising attack.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:06

Twasthecat our relationship has been strained this year due to nursing degree etc. But I thought it would be fine. I've got an amazing job lined up, he has just been promoted at work. Our future was looking really bright.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2016 08:08

I agree the cats have to go but the op also needs to know that if her partner is serious then along with the cats go her child

I'd be explaining that to the consultant and asking for the injections

Twasthecatthatdidit · 06/07/2016 08:08

I know asthma can be serious ( I know someone who died of it) but is a severe allergy something that just develops quickly? The op has been living with the cats for 7 years now. Not doubting you op, if a doctor says they have to go now then that's that!

LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2016 08:09

And also see a solicitor to find out what your position is

Because it looks precarious to me but I'm not a legal expert

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:10

'Twasthecat things have been strained due to final year of degree it I honestly think things would get better. I've got a good job lined up, he's just been promoted. We were talking about planning our wedding last week. To be honest he is a great dad, I would be happy with shared residency if it came to it but I know that's not ideal for children of my daughters age.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 06/07/2016 08:13

The point would be to secure shared residency - if he fights for slightly more care you could end up paying maintenance etc

So I'd check with a solicitor before trusting a bloke who wants rid of you after nine years before his cats

LittleLionMansMummy · 06/07/2016 08:13

Pets are no more disposable than children

So if your child had an allergy to cats, which one would you get rid of? What a load of rubbish.

Op, he's told you where you stand in the pecking order - below your child and the cats. Tbh after he'd told me this I'd be the one leaving him. I have cats, I know they become part of the family. But if my DH's health was compromised by them there would be no contest and I know he'd be the same.

I don't understand the ecig argument. Is he disputing that you have an allergy to the cats and that it is in fact the ecig causing the problems?

jay55 · 06/07/2016 08:14

Have you exhausted all your anti histamine options to control the allergy?

If your partner is looking for an excuse to break up he's found it. But you should be the one to move, to a pet free home as it'll be easier than finding a new home that takes pets and de-furring your current place.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:14

I'm just so worried about my health in the long run. The more steroids I have - the less bone density I am left with. My pelvis is ruined from pregnancy already.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 06/07/2016 08:14

Do you think it was just a shock reaction ? Now he's had time to think about will he have seen sense ?

NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 08:15

This is a hard one as I can relate sort of.

My dh has a cat allergy that can trigger his asthma if it gets bad enough.

We have a cat but we had to do a big compromise. First of all we have a long coat as he found that long coats don't affect him as much.

We Hoover and clean the house every day to remove as much allergen as possible.

We have leather sofas so he can sit down without worrying about the dander.

We did have the cat is not allowed in the bedroom aswell for him, but we now sleep in different rooms so the cat comes to bed with me at night.

I have also made it clear that if she does start triggering a bad allergy to the point where his health is in danger, as much as I would hate to, she would go.

Touch wood, so far apart from an itchy nose occasionally she isn't setting his asthma off

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:15

'Twasthecat this came up 3 years ago and I suggested rehoming the cats then but he thought I was being spiteful and didn't believe me. I've now got proof of the allergy. I've been compromising for 3 years already.

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:16

Jay55 yes I'm on 2 oral antihistamines, steroid nasal drops and eye drops. Zafirleukast, relvar ellipta and alvesco all at high doses too.

OP posts:
Ratbagratty · 06/07/2016 08:17

I am probably going to get slated for this. If you have lived with those cats for 7 years, is there a chance you are immune to them? I am immune to my cats, but if I go to another pet house, even someone regularly I am allergic to them. Test this theory out, it's worth a try before it breaks up a relationship.

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