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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask partner to rehome cats?

290 replies

FruitCider · 06/07/2016 07:41

I honestly think this is going to end my relationship.

I have recently been rereferred back to a respiratory consultant after failing all winter to get control of my asthma and having countless oral steroids. I nearly ended up on a respiratory ward in April as my asthma was so severe.

Anyway, I finally got my allergy test results from September 2012 (that was the last time I saw the consultant) and they show I have quite a severe allergy to cats.

I rehomed 2 cats with my partner from a rescue 7 years ago. My respiratory consultant has said the only way to step up my medication now is to move to anti inflammatory injections once a fortnight and she "would be loathed to do that to me whilst I still have cats". She is telling me in no uncertain terms the cats need to go.

I tell this to my partner of NINE YEARS, whom I have a 3.5 yo daughter with, and his reaction? He can't abandon the cats, therefore he wants to seperate and move out with them. He wants me to compromise by agreeing to keep the cats despite the impact on my health. His argument is that I use an electronic cigarette and need to quit that first. I lost my dad 6 months ago to cancer and honestly think I would start smoking again if I didn't use it

Have I gone completely mad? Or is it reasonable for my partner to threaten to seperate with me if I don't keep the cats? I feel absolutely devastated, unloved, and unwanted. I just can't believe he would toss me go one side like this. He is now threatening to leave me and take our daughter with him unless I back down. I will literally have no-one or nothing left if they go.

AIBU to expect my partner to not leave me for the cats?

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 06/07/2016 22:48

If my partner put pets before my health he would be out on his arse before he knew wtf hit him.

I am really stunned that people have no concept of exactly how asthma can be fatal..

Think about it for a nano second.. Your lungs resemble say the size of a 10pence. Suddenly that size is reduced to the size of a nib... See the difference?

No?

Ok get yourselfs two cups and a narrow ended funnel.. Full one cup with water and pour the contents into the other cup.. See how easy the water flows? Now put the funnel over the empty cup and tip the water into the funnel.. See how slow the water flows?? That's your lungs during an asthma attack... Still don't get it, YouTube videos..

Not having a cat won't kill him. Potentially it can kill the op..

Imagine this as a post.. Hi I have a severe nut allergy. I actually cannot be in the same room as I go into anaphylactic shock. I have had a few near missed where my epi doesn't work and I have been blue
Lighted to A&e.. But I love the nuts and cannot give them up... The poster would be
Told to wake up and get a fucking grip.. An allergy is an allergy. It needs to go.

ifyoulikepinacolada · 06/07/2016 22:53

Yanbu, and I'm a lifelong animal lover typing this with a snoring cat on my lap. I can't believe he'd even hesitate. They need to go.

I would say, though - I'd be secretly fucked off at having to rehome my fluffs for someone who had asthma but had got cats in the first place, had smoked for many years, had not prioritised remaining under the care of a consultant for a good few years, and who continued to inhale god knows what chemicals on top of their medication - I appreciate you make your own liquids and your consultant isn't that concerned by it, but it's still not ideal. I would still do it, and with good grace, because who wouldn't?! But privately, it would be deeply galling and I'd struggle for a bit.

He's still a total twat, though. Get rid. Defluff the flat. You'll breathe easier in more ways than one. Flowers - this must be so awful to go through.

Damselindestress · 06/07/2016 23:12

OP, it sounds like your partner has no understanding of the urgency of the situation if he is suggesting going through all the hassle of getting a mortgage, moving and building an outside run for the cats. That would take months while your health is deteriorating. Would he attend an appointment with your consultant? Having them spell it out to him might help. But sadly it might be too late for your relationship since he has made it clear he doesn't prioritise your wellbeing.

LagunaBubbles · 07/07/2016 01:54

Starry how ignorant you sound regarding asthma, it's not an excuse. If you had to watch your loved one struggle for a each and every breath and then thought they were going to die, as I have many many times then you would know this. What a stupid statement.

AppleMagic · 07/07/2016 02:42

Get rid of the cats and the partner.

Jeezypeepers · 07/07/2016 03:04

YANBU at all OP, and as far as the vaping making you unreasonable; that's not true at all as it won't be triggering your asthma. Please, please rehome the cats (or cats plus obstructive partner!); brittle asthma kills far more people than many realise and it really must be taken seriously. I'm a HCP in this area and it sounds like your asthma is very severe indeed! The injection your consultant is discussing may be an immune therapy called omiluzimab which seems to have very good results so far in asthma and allergy medicine; so hopefully you'll feel much better on it. I know it sounds scary but it may help you immeasurably. Good luck, and I'm sorry your partner is so unsupportive in what must be a difficult time for you Flowers.

IAmNotAWitch · 07/07/2016 03:12

I think he has to go (with the cats), what you really need to do at this point is contact a Family Lawyer and see what your next move is as far as what is best for your daughter.

BengalCatMum · 07/07/2016 03:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/07/2016 04:13

Sorry im too off it on painkillers to have read the full thread..

Have you tried an air filter that slurps allergens out of the air in your house?

Petal Cleanse wipes - you wipe the cats with them daily.. www.allersafe.co.uk/bio-life-petal-cleanse-cat-cleanser/p12

Restrict cats to only half the house (downstairs)

Give up the e-cig.

If you HAVE done all of that and there is still a problem, then no, you are not being unreasonable...

However if you are not willing to give the above a try then yes I think you are being unreasonable.

Liz09 · 07/07/2016 04:55

Hmm.

I see both sides to the argument, personally. And I'm sure I don't know to restate what other people have already said. If the cats must go to a shelter, then make sure that it's a no-kill shelter and ask for them to be rehomed together (a reasonable shelter will do this).

However, it sounds as though you've decided you're content to end the relationship. In which case, he takes the cats with him and finds a new place.

Liz09 · 07/07/2016 04:57

Don't need* to restate

Geekmama · 07/07/2016 06:43

OP I've not managed to read through all of your thread yet, so apologies if someone else has suggested this. Smile I also have severe Allergies. I have an Eppy pen, so I know how you feel. Could you and your husband compromise? you could temporarily Rehome them with a family member. You said that your future is looking quite bright with promotions.....etc. could you possibly rant/buy a house and have a cat in closure built outside. This is a very difficult situation and hope you get sorted out soon. XXXX

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 07/07/2016 06:44

YANBU at all.

StarryIllusion · 07/07/2016 07:07

What a load of bollocks. She can't be that fearful for her life, she still fucking smokes for christs sake. I have no sympathy for anyone suffering respiratory problems and a smoker. They bring it on themselves. Besides that isn't the issue is it. The issue is that he wants to leave her and take the cats. Perfectly reasonable. He isn't putting them above her health just above their relationship. That is his right.

WellErrr · 07/07/2016 07:19

You're lovely Starry.

Empathy and compassion like that, you're wasted on mumsnet, you should be manning the phones at the Samaritans.

LagunaBubbles · 07/07/2016 07:26

She doesn't still smoke Starry.

DuckAndPancakes · 07/07/2016 07:26

Starry, vaping is not smoking.
Bumbling buffoon.

OP, YANBU. I can't believe some of the replies I'm reading on here. Get him and the cats fucking gone.

Original poster
FruitCider · 07/07/2016 07:28

she still fucking smokes

Electronic cigarettes are not smoking by any means.

Thank goodness Public Health England has more sense than you.

www.gov.uk/government/news/e-cigarettes-an-emerging-public-health-consensus

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 07/07/2016 07:38

Starry you sound very ignorant, E cigs, are not like normal cigs, they are harmless. Go read up on them, before you start spewing crap.

BluePitchFork · 07/07/2016 07:49

the ecigs are not the issue. would be better without, of course, but it's much much better than real cigarettes.

the op is severely allergic to cats.
the cats have to go or the allergic reaction might kill the op.

WiddlinDiddlin · 07/07/2016 08:12

OP - if your asthma is so bad... how come you've managed SEVEN YEARS with these cats?

For those saying e-cigs are harmless - well, I vape and I have asthma, but, first of all we don't know they ARE harmless, what we KNOW is that they are far less dangerous than cigarettes and we haven't yet found anything harmful in them.... the operative word there is YET...

I do notice that if I change e-juice or change the type of tank I use on my vape, I can get irritated lungs and be a bit wheezy - it is NOT beyond the realms of possibility that vaping is irritating the OP's throat/lungs!

BluePitchFork · 07/07/2016 08:13

allergies develop.
it might be that the op was fine at first, then developed a slight sniffle which has now become full blown asthma.

KittyLaRoux · 07/07/2016 08:23

Wid I developed asthma at 33 during pregnancy and at 39 it has progressively got worse. I used be able to be in the same room as my mums cat as long as I didn't stroke it. Now she has to put it upstairs a few hours before I visit and vac the living room so I can be there for 2 hours.

Asthma really isn't a simple complaint. It can be very complex and most certainly life threatening.

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/07/2016 08:28

I can't believe that after almost 300 posts some people are still questioning op's allergy Hmm So she vapes. Her consultant, a medical professional with years of training, has said the cats are the problem first and foremost. This really is a black and white case of her dp putting his pets ahead of the health of his partner of nine years and mother of his child. And he's using taking her dd away as a threat to get his own way! I actually can't believe that anybody would think that's in any way acceptable.

Original poster
FruitCider · 07/07/2016 08:35

My asthma has always been "difficult" eg needed combination inhalers in my early teens. However it was well controlled until 2012 when I became pregnant. Prior to that I was doing competitive sports and riding a motorbike, even whilst smoking 20 a day!

OP posts: