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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask partner to rehome cats?

290 replies

FruitCider · 06/07/2016 07:41

I honestly think this is going to end my relationship.

I have recently been rereferred back to a respiratory consultant after failing all winter to get control of my asthma and having countless oral steroids. I nearly ended up on a respiratory ward in April as my asthma was so severe.

Anyway, I finally got my allergy test results from September 2012 (that was the last time I saw the consultant) and they show I have quite a severe allergy to cats.

I rehomed 2 cats with my partner from a rescue 7 years ago. My respiratory consultant has said the only way to step up my medication now is to move to anti inflammatory injections once a fortnight and she "would be loathed to do that to me whilst I still have cats". She is telling me in no uncertain terms the cats need to go.

I tell this to my partner of NINE YEARS, whom I have a 3.5 yo daughter with, and his reaction? He can't abandon the cats, therefore he wants to seperate and move out with them. He wants me to compromise by agreeing to keep the cats despite the impact on my health. His argument is that I use an electronic cigarette and need to quit that first. I lost my dad 6 months ago to cancer and honestly think I would start smoking again if I didn't use it

Have I gone completely mad? Or is it reasonable for my partner to threaten to seperate with me if I don't keep the cats? I feel absolutely devastated, unloved, and unwanted. I just can't believe he would toss me go one side like this. He is now threatening to leave me and take our daughter with him unless I back down. I will literally have no-one or nothing left if they go.

AIBU to expect my partner to not leave me for the cats?

OP posts:

kali110 · 06/07/2016 20:06

I'm alleric to animal fur, it makes my asthma worse, however there is no way i would give up my animals.
Think your partner is probably stuck in a very hard place!
I love my dp but i wouldn't get rid of my pets.

Original poster

FruitCider · 06/07/2016 20:11

Just out of interest, how severe is your asthma?

OP posts:

Original poster

FruitCider · 06/07/2016 20:13

That's if she has the money for a mortgage in the first place, then time to house hunt, move, build a cat pen and get sorted.

We have a deposit, but his salary for the last tax year was £6656. He only started work full time 3 DAYS ago. I'm still waiting for my nurse pin, so cannot start my job until end of August at the earliest (my award board is 10th August)

OP posts:

kali110 · 06/07/2016 20:22

I'm on my 4th different steroid inhaler ( and it's also a reliever) and i also have another reliever.
I was on montelucast however i was allergic.
My last app from what i understood is that my app next month they will be testing me on diff steroid tablets as i have imflamation in my lungs.
They're also going to decide whether to keep me on this pink steroid/reliever or try something else.
I had a lung function test and it dropped to below 40%.
I had a slight problem in that i've suffered for a few years but it wasn't diagnosed or taken seriously.
It's not fun having asthma lol

kali110 · 06/07/2016 20:23

Is Zafirleukast steroids? Are they like montelucast?

KittiesInsane · 06/07/2016 20:26

Could you move out straight away, with your daughter (given that he is now working and you need to wait till August, I'm assuming you are her main carer as of this week)?

Yes, I know it's your name on the tenancy and would leave him in the lurch. But you need a cat-free home.

Marmaladeday · 06/07/2016 20:27

Can you afford to put the cats right now, tomorrow in a cattery ? If the answer is yes then you need to find one and take them tomorrow. Do not ask your uncaring partners permission just do it. The cats can then have a holiday, you and your partner may talk and the process has been begun for the next consultants appointment.
Then stop responding to people who think cats are more important than people and stop responding to people who think they know your asthma better than you and your consultant.
Finally, either get this moved to relationships or start a fresh thread in relationships to have sensible people over there help you see where to go from here.

I have a beauty of a cat and a husband with severe asthma for what its worth and I would never tell him a. That he was less important than the cat or b. That I knew better than him and his doctor about his illness.

attheendoftheday · 06/07/2016 20:27

But the fact that your partner loves the cats doesn't mean he doesn't love you as well. Love doesn't have to be a clearly defined hierarchy in that way.

I imagine if this was my dp and my dog. I know that I couldn't just abandon my dog, she has feelings and I love her, she would be really distressed. Obviously I would also be worried about my partner's health, though.

Is there anyone who could have the cats where your dp would feel they would be loved and happy? Have you tried having cat free areas and your dp brushing the cats every day?

I can see why your dp doesn't want to get rid of the cats, but I would expect to see some effort in caring for your health also.

freetrampolineforall · 06/07/2016 20:29

I gave my beloved cats up to my mum for my asthmatic husband. I would have rehomed them if I'd had to.
Work as hard as you can towards giving up even the e cigs - mum was a very heavy smoker who is dying of cancer.

DimpleHands · 06/07/2016 20:30

I think you should stop vaping before you expect your partner to get rid of the cats. No matter how hard you might find it, you have a CHOICE whether to go back to smoking or not. Your cats do not have a choice about whether or not they end up homeless.

fastdaytears · 06/07/2016 20:37

He can't just 'take' your daughter he can, however, have agreed access to her

Sorry- quote from way back! He's been the DD's main carer for ages. Why would OP automatically have residence? Because he's a man? This is why people are warning about the timing.

witsender · 06/07/2016 20:37

The vaping isn't the issue. The cat allergy is. If he is not bright enough to understand what the consultant is saying, he has real issues! A medical professional is saying lose the cats. If said professional was equally concerned with the vaping I would understand his point, but that isn't the case.

Regardless, it seems he would rather live with his cats than the OP. Which is ridiculously sad, and I would be doing what it takes to make that happen for him OP.

KittyLaRoux · 06/07/2016 20:43

Vaping is not going to land the OP in hospital. The cats will.

Those who harp on about "oh i have asthma but still have pets" clearly dont suffer as badly as the OP does.

The poster who would put her pets before ger DH......poor him. Does he know how little you think of him?
Also the cats will be rehomed so not homeless as somebody said

OP you are asking the your gealth come before PETS you are not in the wrong here no matter how much the bonkers pets before humans brigade try and say that you are.

Your DP needs to put you first and if he cant then you know where you stand in his life.

kali110 · 06/07/2016 20:45

kitty you have absolutely no idea how much i suffer

Writerwannabe83 · 06/07/2016 20:46

Never in a million years would I prioritise pets over my DH's medical needs, especially if it was something so serious as asthma.

Ask him if he would rehome them if it was your daughter who had a severe allergy to the point of potentially, worst case scenario, risking her life. Are his cats more important to him than his child as well as more important than you?

If he would rehome them for the sake of his daughter but not for you I would be asking why she matters but you don't.

NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 20:47

The fact that your pets are still about and you are not willing to rehome indicates you don't suffer as much as the OP though kali

We are literally talking life or death here

If your life ever gets to the point where it's rehome your pets or you will die, would you still keep your animals?

KittyLaRoux · 06/07/2016 20:49

kali if you suffered like the OP or even myself you would not be able to have pets in your hone so you clearly dont suffer that badly.

Feefeefs · 06/07/2016 20:49

YANBU they are cats you are a sick person, and I love animals but seriously priorities

I actually think it's completely COMPLETELY unreasonable to ask you to give up your e-cigarette and I am a never smoker, you are going through too much stress to attempt this too.

I think you are totally reasonable to be hurt and upset and I'm sorry your DP is not supporting you

thepothasboiledover · 06/07/2016 20:51

Can't believe what I've just read. Animals cause allergies - in this case serious allergies. The OP isn't allergic to her fucking child is she??
I have pets. They are part of my family. But if it came down to my daughters or my pets my daughters would win, every time. I made them, I put them on this earth. I didn't give birth to the animals!

KittyLaRoux · 06/07/2016 20:51

She woukd apparently choose them over her dp Need

kali110 · 06/07/2016 20:52

I've been in hospital twice with it.
No i won't ever give them up.
They're elderly cats. One, extremely grumpy, the other that will on occasion wee upthings.
Not things that make them very adoptable.
They'll either spend their last days in a cage or they'll be pts.

kali110 · 06/07/2016 20:53

kitty i don't need to, my dh wouldn't give them up either.
He's also asthmatic

NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 20:53

See I couldn't do that.

I love my cat. I really do. Dh is allergic and has brittle asthma but at the moment we are managing to keep the allergen down

As much as it would break my heart to rehome her, his life means more

Original poster

FruitCider · 06/07/2016 20:55

I'm on my 4th different steroid inhaler ( and it's also a reliever) and i also have another reliever.

Ok, well I have trial led clenil, budesonide, seretide, fostair, then fostair and alvesco, then relvar ellipta and alvesco, then relvar ellipta, alvesco and spiriva.

Now I'm on relvar ellipta (max dose), alvesco (more than BNF max dose so off license), spiriva (max dose), zafirleukast (max dose), fexofenadine hydrochloride (max dose), cirterizine (zirtek - 3 a day so more than max dose), flixonase nasal drops (max dose) and Sodium Cromoglicate eye drops (max dose).

I think it's fair to say my asthma/allergies are a bit more severe than yours!

OP posts:

EttaJ · 06/07/2016 20:55

Agreed Dimplehands poor cats. It sounds like it's perfect timing and he no longer wants to be with you anyway . My DH would never expect me to give up our pets, ever. No matter why. Quit the dreadful ecig and get some willpower re not re starting smoking , I'm an ex smoker. 17 years ago I quit. But if your dp would rather keep the cats and leave you then that's the end , it all seems pretty obvious to me.

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