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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask partner to rehome cats?

290 replies

FruitCider · 06/07/2016 07:41

I honestly think this is going to end my relationship.

I have recently been rereferred back to a respiratory consultant after failing all winter to get control of my asthma and having countless oral steroids. I nearly ended up on a respiratory ward in April as my asthma was so severe.

Anyway, I finally got my allergy test results from September 2012 (that was the last time I saw the consultant) and they show I have quite a severe allergy to cats.

I rehomed 2 cats with my partner from a rescue 7 years ago. My respiratory consultant has said the only way to step up my medication now is to move to anti inflammatory injections once a fortnight and she "would be loathed to do that to me whilst I still have cats". She is telling me in no uncertain terms the cats need to go.

I tell this to my partner of NINE YEARS, whom I have a 3.5 yo daughter with, and his reaction? He can't abandon the cats, therefore he wants to seperate and move out with them. He wants me to compromise by agreeing to keep the cats despite the impact on my health. His argument is that I use an electronic cigarette and need to quit that first. I lost my dad 6 months ago to cancer and honestly think I would start smoking again if I didn't use it

Have I gone completely mad? Or is it reasonable for my partner to threaten to seperate with me if I don't keep the cats? I feel absolutely devastated, unloved, and unwanted. I just can't believe he would toss me go one side like this. He is now threatening to leave me and take our daughter with him unless I back down. I will literally have no-one or nothing left if they go.

AIBU to expect my partner to not leave me for the cats?

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 06/07/2016 08:42

Is he also vaping?

Personally? I would lie and say I had stopped vaping, insist the cats went, and if he went too so be it.

TheWindInThePillows · 06/07/2016 08:42

E-cigarettes are being used by many with COPD or other lung conditions to lower their risk- it's at least 95% safer than smoking, as there's no carbon monoxide (see the Royal College of Physician's report this year, or Public Health England's report). If there's any risk whatsoever of the OP going back to smoking, she should continue with the e-cigs and wean herself off them if and when she can do so (using lower nicotine strengths). Many of the comments on here seem rather knee-jerk around e-cigs as if they are the same as smoking which they are not.

The cats definitely have to go which is sad but there's no option there.

Xenophile · 06/07/2016 08:43

No YANBU to want to rehome the cats.

I do agree with Laurie though that you're going to need to play the long game here, because what it really sounds like is that your partner just wants out.

Despite all the people on your thread talking to you like you're some kind of blithering idiot, I understood, from what you wrote, that you know that vaping isn't ideal. Has your partner said that he will quit vaping when you do? Or is that yet another hoop for you to jump through before he'll do anything? We all know that vaping isn't ideal, but I'm fairly sure that your medical team know you far better than strangers on the internet and that's why they have given you the advice they have.

I hope you manage to resolve this and quickly.

LittleLionMansMummy · 06/07/2016 08:44

My dh vapes too Need. His breathing has improved (as has his general health) since switching from cigarettes to ecigarettes. It's not the same as smoking, but sadly there isn't yet enough evidence to stop the hysteria about them.

TheWindInThePillows · 06/07/2016 08:45

That's not to say lung function couldn't be affected by e-cigs, there may be some flavours that are more irritating than others, but in comparison with a huge irritant like cat allergy, the vaping is a side issue as the OP's own consultant indicated. And, going back to smoking the absolutely worst thing to do in this situation.

NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 08:47

No there isn't but I would rather he vaped than smoked.

He had a serious kick up the arse a few months back when his asthma went out of control and they couldn't stabilise it. They even had that machine out that shocks your heart to restart it because his heart was struggling trying to keep up.

Ever since then, he has been good and avoiding tobacco.

If he ever gets tempted, I remind him of the hospital

Cathaka15 · 06/07/2016 08:51

YANBU. A partner of Nine years should be more understanding. I totally get the stress of loosing a loved one and need some sort of a temporary outlet till you sort your head out. As for rhe cats. I'm sure they are loved but your health and relationship should come first in my opinion. They can be re homed to people who are thouraly checked over and who will love the cats as much as you did. If he is going to leave you for cats then let him. Make sure you fight for your daughter though.

Littletabbyocelot · 06/07/2016 08:51

Surely the OPs consultant is best placed to tell her what she does & doesn't need to do. She's a senior medical professional, specialising in the field and with detailed knowledge of ops case. Neither we nor ops partner should be arguing with that.

I agree with the advice to get legal advice asap.

MotherOfBleach · 06/07/2016 08:56

You've been severely allergic to the cats since at least 2012 but you've only been under the consultant since winter this year?

Is there anything else that's going on that could be triggering your asthma? Lots of colds and flu maybe or other allergies?

I'm also allergic to cats and asthmatic and was also almost hospitalised last summer. I build up a tolerance to my own cat but if the triggers pile up (I'm allergic to dust and grass pollen also and a cold almost always knocks me off my feet) then being around the cat worsens it.

I still live with it, happily most of the time. I have air purifiers, vaccuum regularly and that cat is not allowed in my bedroom. I also don't wear PJs downstairs or anywhere the cat has been.

My asthma is for the most part controlled fairly well.

I just think it's odd that you've had this allergy since at least Sept 2012 but only now is it an issue. Something else must have changed too.

alltouchedout · 06/07/2016 09:01

I seriously cannot believe that there hasn't been a unanimous agreement that your partner is totally fucking unreasonable for putting cats before your life.
Cats. Pet bloody cats now take priority over the life of someone's partner, the mother of their children, and this this is fine and dandy?
Tell him to get lost, OP. He's a twat.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 09:02

Motherofbleach nothing has changed, I was discharged from consultant in 2012 due to missing an appointment as I was so immobile with SPD I couldn't get down the stairs. I then missed the next appt as the letter never arrived at my house so I was discharged. My gp has been messing around with my inhalers and only admitted defeat in April when he tried to put me on yet another inhaler, and I pointed out that all of the inhaled steroids added up together meant I should be on oral steroids and something clearly wasn't right. That's when I was re-referred and only had the new appointment yesterday. I've thought that the cats were the problem for a long time as my asthma has declined significantly since we rehomed them 7 years ago. However my partner didn't believe me, I suggested a private allergy test to confirm and he refused to pay. My thoughts were confirmed yesterday when I saw the results of my allergy test from September 2012.

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 09:05

Also I have to point out that I'm not a nurse yet, I do not have a pin, and anyhow i didn't train in general nursing....

OP posts:
Tezza1 · 06/07/2016 09:09

I wouldn't say using my reliever 6+ times a day is "controlled asthma"
I presume that your doctor has you using an asthma preventer medication as well as a reliever.They made an incredible difference to my asthma, but they do take a while to start working.

Cleo1303 · 06/07/2016 09:11

Hi FruitCider,

As this is an allergy which has developed relatively recently I'm wondering what triggered it? Have you seen an allergist as well as the respiratory consultant?

Also, have you tried homeopathy or Chinese Medicine. I knew of a child had absolutely appalling Asthma an Eczema and Chinese Medicine had the most amazing results for her.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 09:12

Tezza I'm on relvar ellipta, alvesco, monteleukast and was prescribed spiriva yesterday which I'm waiting for the pharmacy to order.

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 09:13

Sorry not monteleukast, zafirleukast! I just say monteleukast as most people know what that is

OP posts:
Cleo1303 · 06/07/2016 09:14

Sorry, posts crossed.

I really do think you need to see an allergist.

RhiWrites · 06/07/2016 09:16

I'm not suggesting sending them to a rehoming centre, I would never want that. I'm willing to put the effort in to find them a nice home, as long as that takes.

Absolutely do not this. Rehoming centres are professional and can match cats with appropriate homes. Private adoptions to a "nice home" will have the cats usedasbait in dog fighting as there are plenty of people who are involved in this horrible thing who will misrepresent themselves.

I hate people getting rid of pets and I understand where your partner is coming from. But your life is at stake. Still don't go for a private adoption.

IkaBaar · 06/07/2016 09:19

I also have Brittle/difficult asthma. I think the term is over/misused as Brittle asthma is a defined medical condition. I think you would have to have multiple hospital admissions to get a proper diagnosis by a specialist centre.

Do you mean Xolair injections? Don't you need to have x admissions in the last year or to be on permanent oral steroids to be eligible?

I think lots of people don't understand how serious asthma can be and how much uncontrolled asthma can affect your life. I would be heartbroken if we had to give up our dog. I would give up the cats, could you sell it to your partner as a trial to see if it improved your asthma? Could they go to fosterers? Maybe offer to wean off the e cigs to offer an olive branch.

I'm glad you said you didn't do general nursing -nursing isn't known to be good for asthma. I hope you find a job good for your asthma!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 06/07/2016 09:22

I wouldn't give up my cats. If someone told me to choose between them and the cat they would lose.

KittiesInsane · 06/07/2016 09:24

Why on earth should the OP 'compromise' in order that her partner should agree to giving up something that is actually life-threatening?

By sticking to his guns, he is saying, in effect, 'I don't care if you die, because you didn't do what I told you.'

Spiteful git.

NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 09:24

I wouldn't give up my cats. If someone told me to choose between them and the cat they would lose.

So if you had to choose between your children who are allergic/your partner who you love or your cats, you would choose your cats?

That is very selfish

KittiesInsane · 06/07/2016 09:24

Fine, Hunter. And would you also take their child? As a threat, I mean, and not because they were in any way an unfit parent?

KittiesInsane · 06/07/2016 09:25

He is saying 'If you want your child, you have to risk your life.'

He's a git.

MotherOfBleach · 06/07/2016 09:28

I suspect the partner is thinking along the same lines I was. If she has lived with them for seven years, then how life threatening can they be?

Could he come to the specialist with you OP?