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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask partner to rehome cats?

290 replies

FruitCider · 06/07/2016 07:41

I honestly think this is going to end my relationship.

I have recently been rereferred back to a respiratory consultant after failing all winter to get control of my asthma and having countless oral steroids. I nearly ended up on a respiratory ward in April as my asthma was so severe.

Anyway, I finally got my allergy test results from September 2012 (that was the last time I saw the consultant) and they show I have quite a severe allergy to cats.

I rehomed 2 cats with my partner from a rescue 7 years ago. My respiratory consultant has said the only way to step up my medication now is to move to anti inflammatory injections once a fortnight and she "would be loathed to do that to me whilst I still have cats". She is telling me in no uncertain terms the cats need to go.

I tell this to my partner of NINE YEARS, whom I have a 3.5 yo daughter with, and his reaction? He can't abandon the cats, therefore he wants to seperate and move out with them. He wants me to compromise by agreeing to keep the cats despite the impact on my health. His argument is that I use an electronic cigarette and need to quit that first. I lost my dad 6 months ago to cancer and honestly think I would start smoking again if I didn't use it

Have I gone completely mad? Or is it reasonable for my partner to threaten to seperate with me if I don't keep the cats? I feel absolutely devastated, unloved, and unwanted. I just can't believe he would toss me go one side like this. He is now threatening to leave me and take our daughter with him unless I back down. I will literally have no-one or nothing left if they go.

AIBU to expect my partner to not leave me for the cats?

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:18

Littlelion I can't leave, I'm in social housing and the tenancy is solely in my name. We did a mutual exchange to a 2 bed and because the 1 bed was in my name the deed of assignment had to be in my name only.

OP posts:
IceRoadDucker · 06/07/2016 08:18

The OP's allergy is clearly not life threatening if she's happy to keep smoking the e-cigarettes and if it's controlled by steroids. She didn't nearly die, she NEARLY ended up staying in hospital. Big difference.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:19

Jay55 yes I'm on 2 oral anti histamines, steroid nose drops, eye drops, 2 inhalers and zafirleukast.

OP posts:
Jessesbitch · 06/07/2016 08:21

I know this may be a stupid question but do you take antihistamines? I'm severely allergic to cats (and had them as a child) and loads of animals. I can control the reaction to animals with antihistamines. Benerdryl (3 a day ones) are very effective. I also take cetitizine all year round and have done for about 10 years. Also asthmatic!

Jessesbitch · 06/07/2016 08:21

Cross post!

Milzilla · 06/07/2016 08:22

Yeah Benadryl with acrivastine is a lifesaver for me re pet allergies

Chippednailvarnishing · 06/07/2016 08:24

You won't compromise, he won't compromise. You're as bad as each other. But I'm guessing you won't see it like that.

LittleLionMansMummy · 06/07/2016 08:25

Tell him it's over then op, get the locks changed or whatever. Surely if it's in your name you have control over who lives there. It sounds to me like he's found an excuse to separate, your relationship doesn't sound very happy. I'm sorry for you.

LunaLoveg00d · 06/07/2016 08:26

He is being completely unreasonable over this. People saying confine them to one room or something clearly have no idea of what it's like to have a severe cat allergy. I have only reacted once very badly as I'm usually very well prepared with antihistamines and inhalers but cats makes me wheeze very severely, my eyes swell up like I've been punched and I feel very ill. I've never come into contact with a child who has the same effect...

It's awful that your partner isn't prepared to put your health and wellbeing above two cats.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:27

IceRoadDucker I wouldn't say using my reliever 6+ times a day is "controlled asthma". I wouldn't say that nearly ending up in hospital with severe asthma is "controlled asthma" either.

OP posts:
PeaceNotPieces · 06/07/2016 08:27

Firstly, If your allergy is that bad I'd re home the cats myself without his permission.

Secondly, if you don't mind how long it takes to find good homes for the cats - ime you'd be waiting a long time.

Thirdly , if you have such bad breathing and lung problems the e cig needs to go - TODAY

The e cig is only going to exacerbate your allergy reactions.

diddl · 06/07/2016 08:28

I'd also tell him to move out.

He thought that you were being spiteful when you first told him 3yrs ago about the cats?

Doesn't sound as if he's thought much of you since then tbh.

Cleo1303 · 06/07/2016 08:33

You sound very matter of fact about getting rid of the cats and I wonder if he is keener on the cats than you are? He may really love them and be heart-broken about the thought of giving them up. He wants to see if your health improves if you give up the e-cigarettes. He needs to give them up too. That is only reasonable.

Or, sadly, maybe he feels the relationship has run its course. You have said it's been a tricky year, and you have obviously been devastated by the death of your father and the stress of completing your degree. Maybe he is not good at coping in situations where the going gets tough.

See if you can find a family member or good friend who might take the cats. That would reassure your partner that they would be safe and cared for. It's also worth contacting the re--homing centre where you got them from but that is not ideal for them. Whatever you do don't advertise them on Gumtree or PreLoved or anywhere like that. Those sites are stalked by people pretending to offer loving homes and they then use the cats to train fighting dogs.

NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 08:34

You sound very matter of fact about getting rid of the cats and I wonder if he is keener on the cats than you are

I would say if she's been struggling with the cats for 3 years she has distanced herself as much as she can from them to avoid being triggered

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:35

Chippednail I have been compromising for 3 years. How else can I compromise? The cats are not allowed in the bedroom, we spent £300 on a Hoover and we vacuum twice a day. I have leather sofas and laminate flooring. I'm maxed out on meds. What else can I do?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 06/07/2016 08:36

Quit the e-cigs for a start.

CocktailQueen · 06/07/2016 08:36

You have asthma that is that serious, you smoked and you have cats?? Unbelievable.

Did you not think before now that either of those things could exacerbate your asthma??? It's very common for cat allergies and asthma to go together. And you're a nurse!

Of course you should get rid of the cats, and do a really deep clean of your house to get rid of fur and saliva etc. Then stop vaping.

Jeez.

As for your h? I'd get legal advice. Doesn't sound much like he respects or loves you.

TheHobbitMum · 06/07/2016 08:37

I'd be leaving his bag on the he door step next to the cats in a carrier. He's being unbelievable! Anyone who would show such a small amount of respect needs to be shown the door anyway

NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 08:37

I doubt the e-cigs are doing much tbh

My dh has them because the doctor told him if he didn't quit smoking he would develop COPD.

He couldn't quit cold turkey went on to a e-cig.

His lungs have completely changed now. He isn't at risk of COPD anymore

AYD2MITalkTalk · 06/07/2016 08:38

I have (mild) asthma and I vape. The vape makes very little difference to my chest. Walk into a room where a cat lives, instant wheezing and tightness. It's very possible to be affected far more by cats than by vaping.

The cats are by far the worst thing affecting OP 's health. The consequences of rehoming them? The cats live somewhere else perfectly happily, and OP and DP get used to not having cats. The consequences of stopping vaping right now, cold turkey, are that the OP's nicotine addiction could turn back into a tobacco habit. OP has already shown she can stop vaping. She will presumably start the process again when she's got through the first awful months of grief after losing someone so close to her.

They're only cats. They need to go.

glenthebattleostrich · 06/07/2016 08:39

I'm severely asthmatic and an ex smoker.

There will always be a reason not to quit. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh but it's true. I used the death of my beloved grandpa, exam stress, work stress and a hundred other excuses not to. If you want your lungs to keep working you need to stop the ecig.

The cats also have to be rehomed. It's unfortunate but true.

My consultant pointed out that asthma isn't life threatening until your last attack and your next attack could be your last one. Basically, don't take stupid risks and sacrifices have to be made.

splendide · 06/07/2016 08:40

I'm really sorry but it sounds like he wants to split up.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 08:41

Cleo I absolutely love them. I used to volunteer in a cattery which is why I rehomed the pair in the first place! But I've had a real fright. I'm only 30 years old and because my lung function is good I've never really given any thought to my asthma. But to be told my asthma is type 2 brittle and there's a good chance that it will kill me one day unless I take drastic action.... That's made me rethink my cats!

OP posts:
Mouseinahole · 06/07/2016 08:41

This shouldn't be a matter for discussion. I have 3 much loved cats but if they were impacting on my husband's health then they would be rehomed asap no question at all.
He is using the cats as an excuse and neither he nor they belong with you any longer.
He can't just 'take' your daughter he can, however, have agreed access to her.
I wish him luck in explaining to the authorities that he put the cats before her mother!!

AYD2MITalkTalk · 06/07/2016 08:42

Oh and I had a little giggle at people asking someone with asthma so bad that they're under a consultant whether they've tried antihistamines Grin