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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bridesmaid has gained weight and can't fit into dress

341 replies

StressedOutB2B · 05/07/2016 16:31

I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have three bridesmaids my sister and two adult friends. All the bridesmaids had a dress fitting 3 months ago thy had a say in their dresses etc and all was fine. The dresses were £260 each I paid obviously.

Today the dresses were delivered and one of the bridesmaids has gained so much weight she can't fit into it and it's cutting her under the arms and won't do up at the back. Straining to do it up she ripped a seam. Ok these things happen but now she wants me to pay for a new dress the other one can't be taken out enough. She's not pregnant in case anyone asks she is a yo yo dieter.

I don't see why I should pay another £260 for her dress she doesn't want to be out of pocket but I think she's being ridiculous and now she's refusing to speak to me and said I'm fat shaming her. I think she should at least offer! Who is BU?

OP posts:
SilverDragonfly1 · 05/07/2016 18:09

Think of it from a work POV- like if you are an office manager and your boss suddenly tells you that you're not good enough to do your job but don't be upset because she'll still let you be a filing assistant.

OP may well decide to work out a way to keep herself and her friend happy, but there are a few posters who seem to think she'd be perfectly justified to get rid. If that's how it pans out, offering exBM a more lowly position is just adding insult to injury.

firstandmiddle · 05/07/2016 18:09

What about heavy duty control underwear?
I think M & S do an Extra Firm.

That could squash everything in.

KurriKurri · 05/07/2016 18:10

I think I would just be on the phone to the dress shop and/local person who does alterations and setting out the problem and the fact that you;ve got 2 weeks to somehow get your Bm into the dress.

The bridesmaid isn't going to get smaller, so the dress has got to get bigger - and there are ways of doing that - a good dressmaker will be able to come up with something and will be able to do it in the time (I think you would be better going to an independent person because they won;t be sending it off for alteration or anything and your BM can stand there and be fitted for the alteration)

There isn't time for blame or arguments - there's a problem to be solved and it is solvable if everyone stays calm and just looks at it sensibly without people getting upset. The dress can be let out - with panels of some sort or an altered back. And the BM will look much nicer in a dress that fits her even if it is marginally different from the other dresses.

Don't fall out over a dress - weddings are about having a special day and what makes it special is having all your friends and loved ones share it with you and all having a good time.

SloppyDailyMailJournalism · 05/07/2016 18:11

I would be careful about getting it fitted too early - she could put on another stone in two weeks and you'd have to do it again ... if she is in that mindset already.

I think I'd pay to keep the peace but be secretly really fed up with her.

firstandmiddle · 05/07/2016 18:14

Is that why a lot of bridal wear is strapless?
I suppose It's easier to alter something if it doesn't have any sleeves or straps to begin with.

9gag.com/gag/6446595/why-bridesmaids-should-not-wear-strapless-dresses

LellyMcKelly · 05/07/2016 18:15

Oh good grief - YANBU. She has let you down terribly. She knew she was going to wear that dress months ago. If she agreed to be your bridesmaid, and was measured up for a dress, then she has the responsibility to maintain her weight, or pay for a bigger dress. I'm sure she must be mortified, but at the end of the day, it's her responsibility not yours.

DinosaursRoar · 05/07/2016 18:16

Agree with Goady - unless it was a style that had to be pre-ordered as they are only just in the shops available off the peg now, then you aren't going to be able to get a new one in 2 weeks, you are going to have to work with what you've got.

A good dressmaker should be able to do something. Take all 3 dresses, if there's any spare material in the others that can be used. And yes, make sure you get her to wear spanx the same underwear as last time.

Call her, say you need to sort it and frankly, there's little chance of being able to source another one in 2 weeks, so dressmaker and working out what can be done is the way forward. That you aren't 'fat shaming' her, if she'd dropped 2 dress sizes, you'd have to be getting it altered to fit, it no longer fits, you can't get a new one in 2 weeks and so she's going to have to work with you getting it altered.

I would say if you really want her to be your BM, you suck up the alterations costs. It might well be nearly the price of a new one to do a lot of work.

Draylon · 05/07/2016 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1456925105 · 05/07/2016 18:36

Yadnbu!!!

With 2 weeks to go there is no way you would be able to get another dress no matter who is paying for it.

So close to the wedding you really don't need the stress. If it was me and one of bm had accused me of fat shaming because she put on so much weight she ripped the dress when trying it on i would have told her to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when she gets there to fuck off somemore! ( I say this as a yoyo dieter who is getting married in a week and a half).
In saying that however, despite the dresses having being made to order, odds were that some slight alterations would have been needed regardless. In your position I would offer to pay the original amount you would have had to pay for alterations and ask your bridesmaid to pay the rest.

A corset back would work brilliantly. One of my bridesmaids is a size 10 waist but has mashooive boobs and needed a 16 for them. Instead of ordering in another dress my bridalshop took out the zipper in the back and created a corset back instead and it looks gorgeous. Fits her perfectly but also has wiggle room/a bit of give if she loses/gains a bit of weight before the wedding.

TheFairyFellersMasterStroke · 05/07/2016 18:47

Whatever you decide to do, please try not to lose your friendship with the BM.

A very similar thing happened with my SIL, where the BM had always been a big girl, but at the first trying-on had outgrown the made-to-measure dress. SIL was upset, then livid, BM was defensive, gritty words were exchanged, the BM sacked on the spot and SIL was left in tears with a rather large-sized dress, no bridesmaid, and a childhood best mate that she's never spoken to since.

I do hope your dilemma is resolved amicably. Flowers

Dowser · 05/07/2016 18:47

Haven't rtft

I would have the dress shortened to knee length. Remove zip . Use excess material to make extra panel in back and turn it into a lace up or use extra material either side of zip.

I think the first one might be less difficult.

It's going to be hard to match up chiffon material.

Dowser · 05/07/2016 18:51

ThAt was a big make over Draylon.

I often buy things a bit smaller in sales and if I really, really like them let a piece in the back.

Cagliostro · 05/07/2016 18:55

God she must be mortified but no YANBU. If I was in that position (I say this as an obese person BTW) I would be paying myself

lalalalyra · 05/07/2016 19:00

Have you measured the dress? This happened to me when I was BM at my brothers wedding. I cried my eyes out and was utterly mortified, I was also baffled because most of my clothes still fitted me fine. Then when we went to have alterations we realised that the dress had been altered wrong after my fitting and was several inches too tight!

user7755 · 05/07/2016 19:01

Daily Mail are going to love this.

AyeAmarok · 05/07/2016 19:03

She should pay for alterations. Absolutely.

Cordelia1234 · 05/07/2016 19:03

Happened to a frined..her cousin gained too much weight and could no longer be a bridesmaid.

But I also had a problem at my other friends wedding...I was thin then , a nice size 10, and having tried on the dress in the shop, and been really good with food before the day, I couldn't get the dress on (not sure if this was the day of the wedding or a rehearsal...maybe the day) , my frined (the bride) was horrified, as was her mother, and me seeing if I could get it altered was not making them happy, then I realised that another very thin girl (thinner than me ) was also in a size 10 dress, so thinking that maybe we had the wrong size 10 dress on, much to the obvious dismissal of the others I asked the other bridesmaid if she would mind swapping to see if I could fit in her size 10 dress, (they were bought in different towns, although the same size, style and colour) anyway hers fit me perfectly, and she was just as happy with the one given to me!...I must have been right and these were the dresses we'd originally tried on...nightmare over...

Original letter poster, I don't think your bridesmaid will buy or pay for the alterations yourself, ask her to attend as a guest, but I suspect her embarrassment may prevent her from attending....forget it and please don't let it spoil your day.....(even if it is jolly annoying...the cost factor that is)

Cordelia1234 · 05/07/2016 19:04

Apologies for spelling mistakes (Aggh)

MaterEstIratus · 05/07/2016 19:05

I wonder if she's self sabotaging? Insisting you have to pay for a new dress and hoping you won't do it - because she's put on so much weight and currently hates the way she looks.

Original poster
StressedOutB2B · 05/07/2016 19:05

I've been on the phone to the local dry cleaning/ alteration place and they said to bring it in tomorrow and see what can be done. To be honest if it's a corset back I don't really care as if that's the way to fix it I see that as doing her a favour. I've sent her a text saying I'll pay for alterations up to £40 taking the total cost of her dress to £300 and asked if she will pay the rest. No reply yet.

OP posts:
Lucked · 05/07/2016 19:11

Can you see the weight gain? Is the problem the dress ?

Did she try on the dress before or was she measured or try on a sample and then the dress ordered.? I just wonder if it is coming up small? Could you go back to the shop and see if she fits in the sample

GabsAlot · 05/07/2016 19:11

i have weight problems but when i was bm for my sister i made sure i lost the weight needed and kept it off

its her day not mine and it would have been slefish of me to not end up fitting in a dress

if it had come to that i wold have pulled out myself not ranted about fat shaming

LonestarStateOfMind · 05/07/2016 19:12

Check the measurements, perhaps the manufacturer has cocked up, it happens.

Either way 2 weeks is too short notice to order a new dress from most bridesmaid suppliers, unless you bought from somewhere off the rail which this does not sound like. You may be able to order some additional fabric from the manufacturer but depending where they are based will determine delivery time and then time for the alterations to be carried out. You need to see a dressmaker asap to talk through the options.

LonestarStateOfMind · 05/07/2016 19:14

Just seen your update, hopefully they can help.

Rinceoir · 05/07/2016 19:16

Agree with measuring dress. One of my bridesmaids lost weight before my wedding but the dress was far too tight when it arrived. I felt terrible for her , but we managed to sort it out with a clever seamstress.