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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid has gained weight and can't fit into dress

341 replies

StressedOutB2B · 05/07/2016 16:31

I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have three bridesmaids my sister and two adult friends. All the bridesmaids had a dress fitting 3 months ago thy had a say in their dresses etc and all was fine. The dresses were £260 each I paid obviously.

Today the dresses were delivered and one of the bridesmaids has gained so much weight she can't fit into it and it's cutting her under the arms and won't do up at the back. Straining to do it up she ripped a seam. Ok these things happen but now she wants me to pay for a new dress the other one can't be taken out enough. She's not pregnant in case anyone asks she is a yo yo dieter.

I don't see why I should pay another £260 for her dress she doesn't want to be out of pocket but I think she's being ridiculous and now she's refusing to speak to me and said I'm fat shaming her. I think she should at least offer! Who is BU?

OP posts:
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 05/07/2016 19:18

She is being unreasonable. I'm a bridesmaid in a couple of months for my best friend and I've just found out I'm pregnant so the dress will need altered. I told her and offered to pay for any alterations

PixieMiss · 05/07/2016 19:22

I was a BM a few years ago and a fellow BM deliberatly ordered the dress 2 sizes too small to use as a 'goal'.

Unfortunatly, the BM had form for this and never lost the weight. Me, another BM and the bride had to literally stuff her into spanx then into the dress. It still bust all the way down the arm getting into the wedding car. Luckily, a guest had some safety pins in her handbag...

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/07/2016 19:24

If it's definitely a case of your friend gaining a lot of weight rather than a very small size 14 then I do think she should at least have offered to pay for alterations.

I was no bridezilla myself but I do think it's reasonable to expect adult BMs to make sure they stay roughly the dimensions of the expensive dress that has been ordered for them. Pregnancy & illness aside of course.

Kittyinthewood · 05/07/2016 19:29

Sorry if my comments gets flamed or whatever. But if she is a close enough friend to be your bridesmaid you should be a little more understanding and sensitive to her situation. Sorry if my honesty upsets you. I just want to ask you to pause for thought for a sec.
Poor girl/lady! If it was my close friend I would pay as it was my wedding - because that's what friends are for and also I cannot imagine this is a deliberate effort to ruin your day! She is after all only wearing (or trying to wear!) this dress as a favour to you. I am not made of money but I would want my mate to be as happy as me on the day. It could be worse after all. If this is the only thing that goes wrong during your wedding planning and on the day then your lucky. But of course I don't know if it is or is going to be. But I hope so for all of yours sake. Weddings are meant to be lovely happy jolly occasions. Try not to take it so seriously. You will laugh about it this time next year! Easy for me to say but this has been a helpful tool for me during times of huge stress. There has been some great advice on here regarding dress alteration but maybe you should just say to her wear a pretty party dress that she likes from her wardrobe that she feels comfy in and dress it up with the accessories you already had planned for her. No more expense and upset for anyone. Good luck to you all.

LordyMe · 05/07/2016 19:34

I agree with a pp that said that the Daily Fail will love this story. It's such a Mumnet dilemma.

RosieSW · 05/07/2016 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gwenhwyfar · 05/07/2016 19:38

"It didn't occur to me that a shop might deliberately make a dress too tight, but it seems it's a thing."

I've thought this myself actually. When I was a bridesmaid everyone's dresses had to be altered and I did wonder if they did this on purpose to make more money.

In my case, I lived in a different country so couldn't get to the shop to be measured and sent my own measurements. When I went for the fitting, the dress was too large and they accused me of having lost weight (I hadn't). I didn't pay for the alterations as I hadn't done anything wrong. Do people think I should have paid for it?

Gwenhwyfar · 05/07/2016 19:41

"Pregnancy & illness aside of course."

Isn't having issues with food a type of illness?

EveOnline2016 · 05/07/2016 19:42

What a horrible thread.

I hate how weddings have turned into something that rip people apart when the true meaning is to bring people together.

When I got married I really didn't care what people wore or anything other faff. As long as dh and I got married that's all I cared about.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 19:44

It's not ripping someone apart to say "actually, I don't have a spare £260 for an extra dress I hadn't budgeted on"

That's all the OP has done, it's the bridesmaid who is calling names!

Heidi42 · 05/07/2016 19:46

Should be able to put a piece in no problem

CaveMum · 05/07/2016 19:49

Gwen in my experience the shop doesn't make the dress themselves and most just bring in a seamstress from outside to do the dress fittings as its too expensive to keep one on a permanent payroll. A shop would see no financial benefit from bringing in the wrong size dress.

A used a local seamstress recently to alter a dress, she told me that a good seamstress can take in any dress though ideally you don't want to be dropping more than 4 dress sizes. She said most dresses can be let out to 2 sizes bigger without too much trouble but any more than that and it can end up looking ropey.

Cathaka15 · 05/07/2016 19:50

I think someone else mentioned Spanx.

EveOnline2016 · 05/07/2016 19:51

We have been friends since we were kids I don't want to fall out over this but I won't just accept the cost.

To me that is a life line friendship being put at risk over a dress.

EarthboundMisfit · 05/07/2016 19:51

I feel for her. I have binge eating disorder and during a bad patch I can gain weight at an alarming rate. Knowing I had a big event approaching would make me more likely to binge, not less, and I would feel unable to control it.

She is likely mortified and very upset.

That said, it's unreasonable to expect you to pay and to lash out, and it puts you in a bind.

I'd seek the opinion of a seamstress.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 19:54

To me that is a life line friendship being put at risk over a dress

It sounds to me like it's the BM who is doing the "falling out" over this, not the OP

FinderofNeedles · 05/07/2016 20:12

I feel for her. I have binge eating disorder and during a bad patch I can gain weight at an alarming rate. Knowing I had a big event approaching would make me more likely to binge, not less, and I would feel unable to control it.
She is likely mortified and very upset.

Maybe so, nd we can all be sympathetic if we wish, but this doesn't mean the OP magically has £260 and the time to get another dress. I'd expect the BM to have flagged this up before now, if she was genuinely piling on weight. The reason is irrelevant. The BM should have had the foresight to realise the possible impact of her weight gain. Instead she's stuck her head in the sand and is trying to make it the OP's problem! Not on.

Rainbunny · 05/07/2016 20:13

To some pps who consider a BM wearing an altered (corset added) dress or different dress to be fat shaming - ridiculous! It's hardly the OP's desire to single the BM out to look different. Realistically that's the only option unless the BM wants to stand down. If they ordered their dresses through a bridal shop there is zero chance they can get a brand new dress within two weeks, perhaps a small chance that an emergency fast track request could be made -at an exorbitant cost though.

People change size, that's life but to get angry at the bride and demand that she pay for another dress is breathtakingly wrong.

StackladysMorphicResonator · 05/07/2016 20:14

The poor woman Sad she must feel awful and mortified.

To all those saying 'how dare she put on the weight!' - seriously? I'm sure she didn't bloody do it on purpose, who the hell would want to do that?!

She is being massively unreasonable though in lashing out at you and making demands/accusing you of fat-shaming.

Good luck with the tailor, I hope it can be sorted at a low cost. If you can afford it, I'd just pay for it - whilst it's annoying, it really is no-one's fault, she can't have done this deliberately.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 05/07/2016 20:28

I feel sorry for the BM but there's no way I would be paying another £260 for a new dress (even if it was possible to get one at such short notice) and she is being very unreasonable to expect you to do so. I wouldn't dream of doing that to my friend.

If you really want the bridesmaids to be wearing the same dress could you pay on condition that she gives the dress back, cleaned, after the wedding so you can sell it? My bridesmaids kept theirs but I would have no qualms asking for it back under the circumstances.

Yabadabadooo · 05/07/2016 20:29

This happened to me. SIL brought me to order bridesmaid dress a couple of weeks after my first baby was born. I was slightly too tight in the larger size so (despite advice from one of the sales assistants) she felt we should order the dress in the bigger of the two sizes. I felt I couldn't go against this other than tentatively saying the smaller would probably be better - I felt it was likely my body wasn't yet back to normal after childbirth. But with it being my first child it was hard to be sure enough to go against this with much gusto!

Come to the dress fittings a few months later and the bride told me my dress had required the most alterations. Which was obviously more expensive. I should have bought the smaller size. I was annoyed because that was what I suggested at the start and now I looked like the most expensive bridesmaid!!! I bit my tongue but it was hard to feel criticised for what was not my choice.

Original poster
StressedOutB2B · 05/07/2016 20:29

Reply to my text:

"You know o feel awful about the dress not fitting but I can't foot the bill for your wedding and your choices- you know I'm skint and what with present and shoes I can't afford to shell out any more. I still want to be bridesmaid but am hurt you aren't more compassionate about my condition let me know what you want to do."

OP posts:
EarthboundMisfit · 05/07/2016 20:31

Finder, I quite agree, I meant to make that clear.

Unfortunately in my own experience, head-in-the-sand, unrealistic, self-centered thinking can be a big part of disordered eating, and I think it would be hard to gain a couple of dress sizes in 3 months without that happening.

It's not an acceptable way to treat a friend, and the BM should be made aware of that, and perhaps she's just a selfish person, but I can well imagine the thought processes that led to this if she genuinely has disordered eating.

branofthemist · 05/07/2016 20:31

How was it your choice?

Therealloislane · 05/07/2016 20:33

Her condition?