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Original poster

Bridesmaid has gained weight and can't fit into dress

341 replies

StressedOutB2B · 05/07/2016 16:31

I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have three bridesmaids my sister and two adult friends. All the bridesmaids had a dress fitting 3 months ago thy had a say in their dresses etc and all was fine. The dresses were £260 each I paid obviously.

Today the dresses were delivered and one of the bridesmaids has gained so much weight she can't fit into it and it's cutting her under the arms and won't do up at the back. Straining to do it up she ripped a seam. Ok these things happen but now she wants me to pay for a new dress the other one can't be taken out enough. She's not pregnant in case anyone asks she is a yo yo dieter.

I don't see why I should pay another £260 for her dress she doesn't want to be out of pocket but I think she's being ridiculous and now she's refusing to speak to me and said I'm fat shaming her. I think she should at least offer! Who is BU?

OP posts:
tappitytaptap · 06/07/2016 13:42

Why are people saying it is hard to keep your weight the same for 3 months - surely you'd be buying a whole new wardrobe every few months if you didn't stay roughly the same weight and most people don't do this!

GarlicStake · 06/07/2016 13:47

Well done, StressedOut Star Good work, problem solved.

I think sticking to saying things such as you want her to feel comfortable in the dress etc is the best way to go - I completely agree. Everyone will compliment her in the dress, and hopefully this will go some way to combat her 'shame'.

You haven't fat-shamed her - you're a good friend.
But, my god, some of the replies to this thread!
greedy x 3
can't be bothered to make an effort x 3
selfish x 9
You don't eat too many chips and burgers by accident.
No one is prying their mouths open.
... and loads of paraphrases of the above.
FWIW, this attitude gets internalised and leads to such misery that a binge-eater eats, to numb the despair. Same as a shopaholic might spend, an alcoholic might drink, etc. Shame on you, fat-shamers.

MaverickSnoopy · 06/07/2016 13:48

Gosh your BM sounds incredibly entitled. Unfortunately I think that whatever happens this could likely taint your friendship. I would wait until you know the cost of the alterations. If it's more than £40 and more than you can honestly afford I think I would tell her that you have a quote which is £X and that you can't afford the full amount as you did not have a budget for alterations. If she wants to make up the difference then to let you know, otherwise it's up to her what she wants to do. I would also add that you understand if she feels she must stand down and that the most important thing is that you don't want it to come between you. She can then either try to squeeze into the dress or drop out as BM.

I think whatever you say and however you say it, she has already made up her mind that you are in the wrong. Will she get to keep the dress? If so she could always sell it afterwards...

GarlicStake · 06/07/2016 13:49

Tappity - Most people with a weight-cycling disorder have 2 or 3 wardrobes, which fit at the various stages of their cycle.

Hope this helps Hmm

tappitytaptap · 06/07/2016 13:53

GarlicStake.. and that is what the bridesmaid definitely has is it?? Biscuit

BarbaraofSeville · 06/07/2016 13:53

People will have different clothes in their wardrobes depending on what their weight is and day to day clothes are probably more accomodating/forgiving than what I assume is quite a structured/fitted dress.

My weight is quite stable (only varied by a stone in my entire adult life) but I have clothes that fit 'thin me' and clothes which fit 'fat me'. I don't through them away when they are too big/small because I know that they are likely to fit again in the future and I hate shopping so will keep something I like because it is likely it will fit again in the future.

Kingsizecrochetblanket · 06/07/2016 13:53

I was a BM for a good friend, she couldn't get my dress in my size, I needed the next size up. So I lost the weight to fit into the dress for my friend's special day. Because she means a lot to me. I didn't kick off at her, she wasn't fat shaming me when she got upset about the dresses.
I think you are a saint for putting up with her crap. Have a lovely day.

GarlicStake · 06/07/2016 13:55

and that is what the bridesmaid definitely has is it?

Try Google.

Cheers for the biscuit.

Kingsizecrochetblanket · 06/07/2016 13:55

And before anyone else says it, I find it very difficult to lose weight.

Chippednailvarnishing · 06/07/2016 13:58

Here's the solution OP.
No one can accuse you of making a poor dress choice now! Grin

Bridesmaid has gained weight and can't fit into dress
girlywhirly · 06/07/2016 14:14

OP, you were incredibly controlled in the shop. BM was unbelievably rude. Would have had words once I'd left the shop, asked her what her problem was, jealous? miserable? ungrateful? You sort out the dress problem and pay extra, she offers nothing towards it, doesn't even thank you?

She doesn't deserve to be at your wedding at all.

Aeroflotgirl · 06/07/2016 14:23

Op you have been very reasonable and patient, she should have offered to pay half. If she puts in more weight before the wedding, and does not got into her dress I wou,d either get her to pay for a new cheaply one, or pull out.

ohtheholidays · 06/07/2016 14:32

OP I think you've shown the patience of a saint! Smile

I hope your friend appreciates you and winds her neck in from now on and acts like any supportive friend should and Good Luck with your big day Flowers

BMW6 · 06/07/2016 15:28

OP you have done nothing wrong at all. Your "friend" is a mare.

purplefizz26 · 06/07/2016 15:42

Your BM sounds miserable, stroppy, childish and quite frankly a shit person to have around while wedding planning.

Well done for keeping your cool and paying, I certainly wouldn't have.

dustarr73 · 06/07/2016 15:50

No way was the BM fat shamed.She made herself fat it didnt just magically appear. And i say that as a fat woman.I made myself overweight.Plus she is coming across as incredibly jealous.

Op you have the patience of a saint.After what she said o you in the shop,i would have left her there.

Vickyyyy · 06/07/2016 15:57

If she wants a new one, surely she should buy it herself. I doubt you can exchange now that its ripped, and it sounds like they were specially made anyway so an exchange wouldnt be possible to start with?

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 06/07/2016 16:17

My weight fluctuates loads too. When I was given my bridesmaid dress 2 weeks before my best friend's wedding I hoped it still fit. It had already had the lining let out a bit as it was a bit tight but I hoped it was fine.

It wasn't. I couldn't do it up.

I was mortified but the last thing I wanted was to stress out my best friend or cause any extra costs with alterations so I dieted hard for those 2 weeks and lost 10 lb.

There was no way I wasn't getting that dress done up.

AprilSkies44 · 06/07/2016 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 06/07/2016 17:16

YY Garlic Agree.

What worked for me in losing my weight and keeping it off was.

a. not having a target i have to reach by a certain date and eating healthily for life.

b. not doing it for some special event in the future.

DH is eating chocolate eclairs as i type. He just offered me one. I said no. Because im used to eating healthily all the time.

If i was asked to be a bridesmaid i would politely decline. Pressure and targets dont work for me.

Healthy eating as a matter of course does. As is demonstrated by the fact i havent gained weight for years.

The irony is that i would probably make a good easy bridesmaid to fit a dress for

But i wouldnt do it for the reasons ive stated.

Rainbunny · 06/07/2016 18:57

Oh please. Enough of the excuses for this BM's behaviour! We don't know if she has an eating disorder, in fact the vast majority of overweight and obese people do NOT have an eating disorder. If she does have an eating disorder it doesn't make her tantrum acceptable either. I speak as someone who spent over a decade in the grip of an eating disorder and I can say from experience that there is nobody more self-centred and no poorer friend than someone with an eating disorder. OP none of this is your fault, and don't get pulled into arguing with her selfish, irrational logic. If she still wants to be a BM then it's up to her to stop thinking about herself for a second and sort out her alterations. I don't mind admitting that when I was at my worst I would have refused to be a BM as I couldn't stand how I looked but she did accept the role. Time to be a good friend for one day in her life.

Goingtobeawesome · 06/07/2016 19:10

If you were seriously thinking the friendship would end after the wedding I'd finish it now. You don't want photos reminding you of an upsetting time.

brambly · 06/07/2016 20:15

My sympathy for the bridesmaid is limited, because disingenuous accusations of humiliation and fat-shaming on the part of another are not only tremendously self-pitying, but also deeply manipulative, and serve only to cheapen the suffering of those who really are being bullied, shamed and humiliated for their bodies.

It also, IMO, is taking full advantage of very ugly stereotypes of women and girls as feeble neurotics who must be babied and never held responsible for anything that, if taken to task, would make them feel any less than fabulous. I've been taken advantage of under similar albeit non-bridal circumstances before and it took me years of rubbish (and input from third parties) from this woman to realise that she had been playing the damaged waif to countless people so that they would bend over backwards to inflate her ego and fail to confront her when she did terrible, sometimes systematically cruel things. If anybody ever came close to doing so, they would be screamed at for hours and treated to a three-act musical of woe as she called up her parents to wail down the phone that X was setting off her anxiety. I was treated to this once when I pulled a sad/betrayed face when she got in from a night out having gone into my room, taken a garment that was clearly too small, and ripped it whilst out (she was also a yo yo dieter) - was worth tuppence but was a gift from a relative who'd since died so was pretty upset. Heard her on the phone ten minutes later to her mother having a "panic attack" because I'd fat-shamed her. I literally hadn't said a single word.

That the OP's friend was mortified at having outgrown the dress is an explanation for her behaviour, but not an excuse. We are not responsible for our emotions, but we bloody well are responsible for how we justify and act upon them.

There's no crime at all in putting on weight - be it through illness or greed - but to have somebody else foot the bill and then claim victimisation when they protest is unbelievably pathetic and spoilt behaviour.

Whocansay · 06/07/2016 20:22

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant. I would not have her as a bridesmaid after that performance. How rude and ungrateful!

She could quite possibly continue with this nasty attitude and take the shine off your wedding. I wouldn't risk it, tbh. She clearly has issues with something at the moment. But it isn't your fault.

dustarr73 · 06/07/2016 20:28

brambly plus 1 million.