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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bridesmaid has gained weight and can't fit into dress

341 replies

StressedOutB2B · 05/07/2016 16:31

I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have three bridesmaids my sister and two adult friends. All the bridesmaids had a dress fitting 3 months ago thy had a say in their dresses etc and all was fine. The dresses were £260 each I paid obviously.

Today the dresses were delivered and one of the bridesmaids has gained so much weight she can't fit into it and it's cutting her under the arms and won't do up at the back. Straining to do it up she ripped a seam. Ok these things happen but now she wants me to pay for a new dress the other one can't be taken out enough. She's not pregnant in case anyone asks she is a yo yo dieter.

I don't see why I should pay another £260 for her dress she doesn't want to be out of pocket but I think she's being ridiculous and now she's refusing to speak to me and said I'm fat shaming her. I think she should at least offer! Who is BU?

OP posts:
MrsDoylesTeaParty · 06/07/2016 00:01

I'm a yoyo dieter/binger and I would find it very easy to put 2/3 stone on in as many months! Infact I've just done it Blush I know that must be shocking for some to understand (it is for me) as some people panic about putting just a few lbs on. But you're not being unreasonable at all. She needs to pay for a new dress, alteration or step down. She knew when the wedding was and should have been more controlled, or planned ahead that she might need a dress that could be altered to a few sizes bigger.

iminshock · 06/07/2016 00:05

Weddings are a bloody nightmare fog so many reasons Confused
Have a great day. !

Bogeyface · 06/07/2016 00:19

Your friendship is over. Fact.

Write off the dress money and bin her off as a BM.

Whatever you do now, you will be pissed off and she will blame your for her "choices" so save the money and have 2 BMs

LilacInn · 06/07/2016 01:04

Bogeyface is spot on, I'm afraid.

Cut your losses, OP.

At least you'll have a crazy BM story to relate for the next few decades.

nocoolnamesleft · 06/07/2016 01:30

You may not be intending fat shaming, but this thread sure as hell is. She sounds humiliated. Which will almost certainly worsen her disordered eating, as the psychological element is enormous.

Why on earth would anyone in their right mind spend 260 pounds 3 months in advance for someone with yoyo dieting, who ranges from size 12 to 18, and only buy it in a size 14? You set her up to totally fail.

Nice.

LilacInn · 06/07/2016 01:37

Oh please. Portraying the bride as the villain is hogwash. The BM could have anticipated her own weakness and ordered a larger size or declined the post. Stop implying that oeople of size are passive victims for god's sake. No one is prying their mouths open.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/07/2016 01:38

Is yo-yo dieting an eating disorder now?

You're a nicer person than me op, I'd most certainly not have paid for another dress for her.

GarlicStake · 06/07/2016 01:45

Nobody's portrayed the bride as villainous. I don't see any villains in this story (unless the shop was at fault). Some of the replies here, however, are really unpleasant.

Bogeyface · 06/07/2016 01:51

nocool I am fat. I do not see any fat shaming here.

If the BM had been a 16 at the fitting and was now a size 8, and demanded a new dress on the back of that, would that be ok?

Its not about dress size but about committing. If she couldnt be sure what size she would be (and as a yo yo-er myself I can sympathise) then either she declines being a BM or she asks for a fitting closer to the wedding date. None of this the OPs fault and she is absolutely not fat shaming.

I would love to see your reaction to a thread "I ordered my size 12 BM a size 18 dress in case she puts on weight and now she isnt speaking to me. AIBU?"

LilacInn · 06/07/2016 01:53

Accusing the OP of setting up the BM to fail is making her the villain of the situation.

Presumably the BM is an adult woman. She is responsible for failure to meet her obligations here. One of which is to not gorge herself out of an expensive dress.

Sometimes shame is deserved & justified and this is one of those times.

Bogeyface · 06/07/2016 01:59

I cant get my head around anyone thinking that the OP is at fault here!

Should she have ordered 2 dresses per BM just in case?!

WetPaint4 · 06/07/2016 02:51

BM is being unreasonable. How incredibly selfish of her to let the bride spend a lot of money on a dress, only to neglect her diet for three months!! And yes I know for some people there are genuine medical reasons for weight gain but in that case you explain this to the Bride when she asks you to be a bridesmaid and politely decline if you have to. You don't watch her pay for the dress, gain loads of weight and then expect her to pay again. If she wasn't a bridesmaid she'd have had to buy another dress anyway.

I'm very overweight but I'm sick of people making excuses for fat people. Most of the time, it's just greed. I'm a yoyo dieter. I love all junk food. Sometimes I binge. But I can maintain my weight for three months. If I gain weight it's because I've been greedy again. If you know you have problems with your weight and still want to be a bridesmaid you have to be prepared to do all you can to avoid it being a drama. You can't gain weight by accident. You don't eat too many chips and burgers by accident. I have struggled with my weight my whole life so I know it's hard but some people act like it's not in our control.

I was a BM recently and managed to lose a little weight to try and look better for myself and photos. I sorted my own alterations, would never have expected the Bride to pay and that's the issue here. BM needs to be supportive to the Bride. If Bride pays, BM should offer to pay her back over time.

monkeymamma · 06/07/2016 06:36

I think when she says your choice she probably means the astonishingly expensive dresses you've opted for. £260!!
I would not be losing a lifelong friendship over a silly wedding. I had a wonderful time on my wedding day but it was just a day.
Fwiw I had a hard time with my bm, especially one of them, and it was expected that I pay not just for dresses but also shoes (and they made it clear that 'cheap' shoes wouldn't be acceptable... So I ended up paying £60 each for their shoes and spent £11 on my bridal shoes, lol) and accessories. They were sneery about anything 'cheap' which made it all very stressful! However it's in the past now and thankfully we've all moved past it.

branofthemist · 06/07/2016 06:42

Why do people have an issue with the bride paying for expensive dresses? That's up to her.

That in no way obligates her to buy two for one person.

Windsofwinter · 06/07/2016 06:47

Fwiw I had a hard time with my bm, especially one of them, and it was expected that I pay not just for dresses but also shoes

Why would you expect them to pay for their own shoes? Genuine question. I get married next year and assumed it was the done thing to cover the cost of the entire outfit Hmm

coconutpie · 06/07/2016 06:51

No way should you be buying a second dress for her. That is crazy. Do this and she'll be walking all over you til the end of time. She's being completely unreasonable. I would tell her "no, I cannot afford to spend another £260 on a dress for you. I offered to pay for the alterations up to £40 but I cannot afford any further."

bigbuttons · 06/07/2016 07:08

wetpaint said
I'm very overweight but I'm sick of people making excuses for fat people. Most of the time, it's just greed. I'm a yoyo dieter. I love all junk food. Sometimes I binge. But I can maintain my weight for three months. If I gain weight it's because I've been greedy again. If you know you have problems with your weight and still want to be a bridesmaid you have to be prepared to do all you can to avoid it being a drama. You can't gain weight by accident. You don't eat too many chips and burgers by accident. I have struggled with my weight my whole life so I know it's hard but some people act like it's not in our control.

Absolutely bloody spot on.

Cheby · 06/07/2016 07:09

I wouldn't lose a friend over something silly, but I would lose a friend over them behaving like a dick, no matter what scenario it was related to.

branofthemist · 06/07/2016 07:17

*Why would you expect them to pay for their own shoes? Genuine question. I get married next year and assumed it was the done thing to cover the cost of the entire outfit ^

Lots of bridesmaids pay for for owns shoes. Especially if you can't see them. Because you can choose something you feel comfortable in and are likely to we are out of them after.

ApostrophesMatter · 06/07/2016 07:32

It just isn't reasonable to be cross about someone else's weight gain, people have their own lives going on. She presumably didn't put on weight on purpose, or damage the dress deliberately. It's the kind of mishap cost bride and groom need to accept.

Bollocks to that. Op bought a dress that fitted the BM. BM got too fat for it and tore it when trying it on. BM pays or resigns as BM. it isn't all about her, it's all about the bride. Who has been more than fair.

44PumpLane · 06/07/2016 07:32

For me the problem here isn't even the dress or weight gain it's the absolute lack of responsibility being taken by the BM and the horrible attitude towards the OP.

If this had been me id be mortified and so upset with myself. I'd be trying to work out solutions and not just throwing it back to the OP to sort out and pay for.

If BM genuinely cannot afford anything, in her situation id be looking about for someone to alter it in the manner others have described and I'd ASK the OP if they could possibly pay and arrange to pay her back over time.

Maybe BM just isn't that type of person but maybe she really doesn't want to be BM. She seems to be providing problems and no solutions.

YANBU OP

Champagneformyrealfriends · 06/07/2016 07:34

I might fit in the dress op-I live a good wedding and since I had my dd I have no social life-I'll be a bm! only half joking Grin

Lottielou7 · 06/07/2016 07:38

She's being completely unreasonable. She's not a child - she knew full well that she was going to need to fit into that dress in 3 months. Why should you have to buy another dress? No way.

Lottielou7 · 06/07/2016 07:42

For me, I'd be thinking the bm wasn't much of a friend if she could behave so selfishly.

Cleo1303 · 06/07/2016 08:07

It is supposed to be your special day, but it's becoming all about her. She is completely selfish and attacks you as well.

Why on earth should you spend £260 on another dress for her? She just had to stop stuffing her face for three months. It's an honour to be chosen as a bridesmaid but it's perfectly clear she doesn't give a stuff about your day. What a selfish cow.

I wouldn't spend a penny on having the dress repaired apart from getting the seam repaired.

She sounds so awful I would tell her that as you have fallen out so badly you no longer feel it would be right for her to be a bridesmaid. Get your mother or sister to make the call if you prefer. The last thing you want is a sulky miserable bridesmaid.

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