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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid has gained weight and can't fit into dress

341 replies

StressedOutB2B · 05/07/2016 16:31

I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have three bridesmaids my sister and two adult friends. All the bridesmaids had a dress fitting 3 months ago thy had a say in their dresses etc and all was fine. The dresses were £260 each I paid obviously.

Today the dresses were delivered and one of the bridesmaids has gained so much weight she can't fit into it and it's cutting her under the arms and won't do up at the back. Straining to do it up she ripped a seam. Ok these things happen but now she wants me to pay for a new dress the other one can't be taken out enough. She's not pregnant in case anyone asks she is a yo yo dieter.

I don't see why I should pay another £260 for her dress she doesn't want to be out of pocket but I think she's being ridiculous and now she's refusing to speak to me and said I'm fat shaming her. I think she should at least offer! Who is BU?

OP posts:
Itsaplayonwords · 06/07/2016 10:44

She could have at least paid the £20 in addition to the £40 you said you'd pay for alterations.

How were things left?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 06/07/2016 10:45

Sorry StressedOutB2B but I don't think she is a good friend to you at the moment.
I think you missed an opportunity to go a tiny little bit bridezilla on her ass say to her when she commented about being made to stand in front of strangers in a dress that is too small for her now, that you could have said
"Well BM2B (that' bridesmaid to be), the options are standing in front of strangers in a dress that is too small to find out what options we have for alterations and to see how much the alterations will cost both of us or for you to stand down as a BM, now what is it going to be? I have two weeks to my wedding and I don't need this stress. I do want you at my wedding to share in the event but you're not making it easy for me here. If you don't want to be a BM, then I understand. Please tell me how you want to go on."

Once the wedding is over, I'd be less likely to pick up the phone to this person to be honest. She doesn't sound like a nice person based on your posts here.

user1456925105 · 06/07/2016 10:48

I wouldn't have paid for the alterations. I know previously i suggested paying the original amount set aside for expected alterations (a slight nip/stitch here or there) and get bm to pay for anything over, but after that behaviour this morning i would have left it up to her.

As you said it's not about the weight gain but her attitude and behaviour. My children (and most others i know) wouldn't get away behaving like this so why she thinks it is acceptable, well my flabber is well and truly gasted.
[Flowers] and very unmumsnetty hugs for you this morning. You should be getting to relax a bit at this stage before the madness of your wedding week arrives.

PhoenixReisling · 06/07/2016 10:54

OK, so she was embaressed and acted defensively. However, when you paid for the alterations did she even thank you?

If she didn't then it really speaks volumes about her attitude to you. I also very much doubt that this will be the end of the matter.

weeblueberry · 06/07/2016 10:58

I think you've done everything you possibly could now. I'd be inclined to try my very best to put it out my head til after the wedding then evaluate how you feel about yourself. She may yet apologise for being unreasonable about blaming you (which I think she definitely is...) and you can salvage it.

CarrotVan · 06/07/2016 10:58

I'd seriously reconsider how close a friend she is after the wedding unless you get a heck of an apology

Good seamstresses are miracle workers though

Greyponcho · 06/07/2016 11:00

Can't believe some of the selfish attitudes some posters are displaying here about the BM being too greedy to control her weight for 3 months - easier said than done at the best of times! (Spoken as someone whose weight has rocketed thanks to medication, whose weight also fluctuated before then as any normal persons does)
OP had chosen a bad style of dress from the off and has left it rather late (2 weeks before wedding - what were you thinking OP?!? Shock) to do the last fitting, but it looks like the dress is fixable. I do agree the BM shouldn't have ripped the dress though, so there are mistakes on both sides. But they are only mistakes & I hope the friendship can survive this and everyone enjoys the wedding day Flowers

fattyfattytoadgirl · 06/07/2016 11:01

From what you've said here, your BM sounds like a sulky teen, dragging her feet very step of the way over this.

Could she be jealous of your upcoming wedding? You say she's been a good friend in the past, but it seems something has changed.

I am sorry that you have all this additional stress so close to your Big Day.

CarrotVan · 06/07/2016 11:05

Grey the bridesmaids were involved in selecting the dress and a first fitting 3 months before and a final fitting 2 weeks before is completely normal

MiaowTheCat · 06/07/2016 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 06/07/2016 11:23

I agree with PP it's not worth losing a friend over this and she hadn't been a bad friend in the past.

Not being a bad friend is not the same as being a good friend.

I wonder if she thought that it wasn't worth losing a friend over some alterations and a dress. It seems you are the only one who values the friendship, and that would make me think twice about how worth keeping this friendship really is.

chipmonkey · 06/07/2016 11:24

Unless you said "OMG, how did you gain so much weight, you pig?"" you're not fat-shaming.

My weight is inclined to yo-yo and if this were me, I'd have apologised and offered to pay for alterations or a new dress.

altiara · 06/07/2016 11:25

BM sounds like she's trying to sabotage herself. She might be jealous? Or she was feeling good and then ruined it herself because she didn't deserve it. Who knows. No one can say why it happened even if she doesn't consciously mean to put on weight.

Her attitude may be annoying but I think sticking to saying things such as you want her to feel comfortable in the dress etc is the best way to go. Remember you are friends.
If bad feeling is created and you never speak to each other again she'll still be in your wedding pictures as the friend that used to be.
I'd practice saying "I can believe the Ho-bag dress shop couldn't make your dress in the right size, if I wasn't so busy right now i'd complain and get my money back. Then we could go on a spa day/meal/get our nails done!"

Hopefully she will come to the realisation that you have been her friend all along and apologise for her attitude.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 06/07/2016 11:27

Well done for dealing with her so well. I'd be cautious about being too invested in the friendship once the wedding is over. I think she has shown her true colours over this, sulking in the shop, accusing you of fat shaming, expecting you to fork out when you've already bought a £260 dress. After the wedding, let the dust settle and wait for her to contact you. I think you've been very gracious under the circumstances, with only two weeks to go, I'm sure you have enough on your plate without a tantrumming adult bridesmaid.

MollyTwo · 06/07/2016 11:33

I would dump her as a friend after this. What an absolute fat cheek she has to actually have a bad attitude after the problem she's caused. She may be embarrassed but it's her own fault. You should have asked her if she still wants to be a BM and taken the opportunity to tell her maybe it won't work out.

CharlieSierra · 06/07/2016 11:37

Grey how have you come to the conclusion that the bride chose a bad style of dress? Should all BM dresses come fitted with expanding panels?

BM was involved in choosing style. It's normal for these dresses to be measured and ordered in advance. DDs BM dresses had a 16 week lead time. With everything else going on with planning a wedding very few brides would be comfortable going out and buying off the rack close to the wedding, it just isn't practical. The bride has every right to want what she wants, and now she's had a last minute hassle not of her making. She's also being generous about the solution and paying for it. No way would a 'corset back' be anywhere near DDs wedding, she detests them. On MN of course that would make her a bridezilla, having an opinion on her own wedding.

AprilSkies44 · 06/07/2016 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 06/07/2016 13:04

OP, make sure you meet her face to face again over the next two weeks

If she's still sulky and awful with you, then she'll be sukly and awful on the day and domiate your day with her huff.

If she is still sulky when you meet her again pre wedding, considering the dress situation is fixed now, then you need to have a frank conversation and give her this choice:
Be my bridesmaid whole heartedly, or don't.

AprilSkies44 · 06/07/2016 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greyponcho · 06/07/2016 13:25

Charlie the reference to the poor dress choice was in relation to the OP knowing that BM had form for varying weight in the past, so hadn't accounted for a likely change in body shape between then and now.
I'm all for brides having opinions at their own wedding, but sometimes it's worth making compromises on what they want so as to make the situation comfortable for others involved too, because it's worth remembering it isn't all about them.

MollyTwo · 06/07/2016 13:30

So the op needs to account for every possible issue in the BM life? Have a backup for every scenario that can go wrong. No that's just ridiculous.

loobyloo1234 · 06/07/2016 13:35

Well done OP - you've been the bigger person. I don't know how anyone can say it's not the bridesmaids fault that she yo-yo diets Confused

If it were me, I would have been so mortified, I'd of paid for the alterations. She would have known she was gaining weight.

I would re-think my friendship with her tbh post wedding as her attitude absolutely stinks - skint or not

DinosaursRoar · 06/07/2016 13:35

2 weeks before the wedding is a normal time for final fitting of BM dresses, in fact most places will avoid doing final alterations any earlier because they know woman can gain/lose weight (and younger BMs can grow!), so there's little point, 2 weeks is reasonable length of time to stay exactly the same shape.

OP - she's probably responding in anger because she's embarrassed, she hasn't had to face her poor relationship with food having an effect on anyone other than herself before. She knows she's fucked up but is angry at you because if it wasn't for your wedding, then she could keep her weight issues as a private problem. It's a public thing.

See how she is after the wedding. This might have been a wake up call for her about her disordered eating.

KC225 · 06/07/2016 13:36

You have the patience of a saint OP.

So she was sulky and truculent when you had to take time out to rectify the problem. I agree with you, it's not the weight, it's attitude and behaviour. Does she not feel responsible for her part in any of this? There are lots of accusations from her - it's your choice, you're fat shaming, you are trying to humiliate her. Who would do that at their own wedding? She seems to have a lot of resentment towards you.

I agree with the poster who suggests meeting up face to face with her before the wedding. I have a feeling this could fester and I am not so sure I would really want her in my wedding party after all this.

CharlieSierra · 06/07/2016 13:40

it isn't all about them

but it is all about the bride & groom, this BM is managing to make it all about her