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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid has gained weight and can't fit into dress

341 replies

StressedOutB2B · 05/07/2016 16:31

I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have three bridesmaids my sister and two adult friends. All the bridesmaids had a dress fitting 3 months ago thy had a say in their dresses etc and all was fine. The dresses were £260 each I paid obviously.

Today the dresses were delivered and one of the bridesmaids has gained so much weight she can't fit into it and it's cutting her under the arms and won't do up at the back. Straining to do it up she ripped a seam. Ok these things happen but now she wants me to pay for a new dress the other one can't be taken out enough. She's not pregnant in case anyone asks she is a yo yo dieter.

I don't see why I should pay another £260 for her dress she doesn't want to be out of pocket but I think she's being ridiculous and now she's refusing to speak to me and said I'm fat shaming her. I think she should at least offer! Who is BU?

OP posts:

NowWhat1983 · 05/07/2016 21:44

£260 for a floor length chiffon dress.....

some lovely dresses on here!

Not good enough. TBH I wouldnt pay for it.

NoMudNoLotus · 05/07/2016 21:49

Ah OP I can't believe you are paying this!!

She has made her thoughts & feelings about you & your wedding clear - listen to the message in what she is saying.

Seriously I would not want a permanent reminder of this woman in my wedding photos.

MrsMook · 05/07/2016 21:49

Her attitude is completely unreasonable.

I had a BM who was 4m pregnant by my wedding. It was touch and go in the final weeks and days before the wedding, her bump had a spurt and it wouldn't zip up anymore. She made a panel, bought some ribbon and eyelets and turned it into a corset back. I'd suggested getting something comfortable that would work with the other BM's dress.

I was TTC in the build up to a wedding, so with a realistic chance of my size changing we chose a style that would need minimal alterations at the last minute. (It turned out to be a wise move as I was in early pregnancy and bloated so something very structured probably would have needed altering.)

I hope you get a happy outcome OP.

GarlicStake · 05/07/2016 21:49

They're nice, NowWhat :)

LilacInn · 05/07/2016 21:51

Good point re the photos.

I think the people saying the BM deliberately has sabotaged her own part in the wedding party may be on to something. perhaps the biggest kindness the OP can do is release her from the obligation.

HelenaDove · 05/07/2016 21:52

Reality check re. weight loss Ive gone from a size 28 down to a size 14 I didnt do this for some special event in the future . I did it by accepting my metabolism cant cope with shedloads of sugar and by accepting i need to eat healthily for life. It is YEARS since ive gained weight (apart from the 2 to 3 pounds i gain at Xmas which is off again by mid Jan. I lose weight slowly now but that means i dont gain easily either and exactly the opposite happens with those stupid VLCDS.

Yes her attitude is shit and she should pay towards the dress But DONT suggest a VLCD. Paying for the dress is reasonable.

Expecting her to risk her physical and mental health is not.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 05/07/2016 21:55

It just isn't reasonable to be cross about someone else's weight gain

she's not. She's upset at the BM lashing out at her and refusing to work towards a reasonable solution

stopitatonce · 05/07/2016 21:57

I disagree adulting

CharlieSierra · 05/07/2016 22:05

stopit she's an adult, she's said yes to being BM and was aware an expensive dress had been bought for her. If she can't control her weight to fit into the dress, for whatever reason, it isn't the bride's fault. The friend is being very selfish and completely unreasonable. The only acceptable response from her now is abject apology and graciously doing anything she can to make it ok.

HelenaDove · 05/07/2016 22:10

I wouldnt be able to do strapless at all Weight loss took me from a 46G to a 32HH.

Ive never been a bridesmaid but when i was 14 in 1987 my Holy Communion dress was tight and i hadnt gained any weight. Maybe there is something in what PPs have said. That there isnt much give measurement wise.

NowWhat1983 · 05/07/2016 22:29

Yup and alot cheaper than £260 GarlicStake.

The BM may have been able to buy a new one if the OP hadnt opted for such an expensive dress in the first place.

ohtheholidays · 05/07/2016 22:33

Like other posters have suggested I think the best thing you could do is not have her as a bridesmaid.

If she's put on that much weight in 3 months OP,what happens if you buy another dress or get the dress altered and she puts on more weight in the next 2 weeks?

I was a bridesmaid years ago for one of my cousins,his wife had asked me and a friends child and she was going to be using her sister as well.

Her sister caused so much fuss and kicked of about pretty much everything that she told her sister that she'd no longer be a bridesmaid.It was the best thing she could have done,her sister was older than her and still single and it all came out at the end of the wedding(her sister had to much to drink)she was pissed off with her sister for getting married first.

She was an abosolute arse as a guest,didn't stay at her parents like she said she would be.Turned up really late at the house not ready at all,disappeared,made her Mum cry,made her Dad angry.Started an argument with his sister and then turned up near the end of the wedding dressed like she was attending a funeral!

The bride got married,they had a lovely day and then went on honeymoon for a couple of weeks came back and settled into married life and didn't see her sister for a few months afterwards and then after that her sister turned up and acted like nothing had happened and they just got on with it.

I'd err on the side of caution when it comes to your friend and stick with 2 bridesmaids.

Justbeingnosey123 · 05/07/2016 22:34

The op says the bridesmaids had a say in their dresses! I bet none of the BMs complained about how much the op was spending at the time!

EveOnline2016 · 05/07/2016 22:35

All I can see is a friendship ruined by a wedding.

Not once has op said any history of this being a poor friend. In the grand scheme of things it's just a friend who as the op knew has a history of yo yo diets and struggled with her weight. Yet the op 3 months ago couldn't see this.

If this was my very good long friend I would have rather got the dresses in a shop off the rack a few weeks before the wedding.

There again friends of mine are more important than a dress.

Champagneformyrealfriends · 05/07/2016 22:55

Why should the bride have to be out of pocket because somebody else couldn't control their weight?! Eating disorder or not, it's not the brides fault! Do people actually think that it's reasonable to expect her to fork out another £260 just because her friend put weight on?! When I was getting married that sort of additional cost just wouldn't have been possible.

amarmai · 05/07/2016 22:58

It can be fixed by putting a panel under the zip area and replacing the Zip with laces. She shd pay as she did the damage or step down .

NowWhat1983 · 05/07/2016 23:06

What if the bridesmaid had got pregnant?

The OP knew her friend has a huge history of yoyo dieting and putting on lots of weight may well be a problem.

The OP knew her friend is like that.

She should not have picked such an expensive dress if she is now moaning about costs.

finova · 05/07/2016 23:20

....you know I suggested my 3 bridesmaids choose a cocktail dress from the high street for up to £150- more if they added to it. In black that they could wear again- eg a really nice little black dress. They could be totally different as long as same colour.
My friend pushed me into going for made to measure gowns and the same thing happened. It didn't fit as she gained weight and huge drama ensued. It was altered and looked beautiful though (though prob now sat in a wardrobe...I'd have loved them to get a real party dress)

KurriKurri · 05/07/2016 23:25

NowWhat1983 - brides responsibility is organising her wedding and (as she has done) paying for the BM dresses. Not monitoring her Bridesmaids weight.

The OP knew her friend has a huge history of yoyo dieting and putting on lots of weight may well be a problem.

The OP knew her friend is like that.

The bride may have known - but the person who knew it most of alll was the bridesmaid. She should have said 'you know I go up and down in weight a lot - I think you should get mine in a size larger - it will be easier to take in than let out' It's not the brides place to say 'I know your weight might go up so we'll go for a larger size' - if she had everyone would have been saying 'what a bitch'

What should she have done - shelled out for a dresses in a couple of sizes either way to cover possible size changes? What if all the bridesmaids had weight fluctuations - would she have needed to have that covered?

My weight goes up and down - I could easily change a dress size in 3 months - but I don't expect other people to finance my fluctuating clothing needs, and if it was for a special occasion I'd opt for a larger one and have it taken in if necessary.

And OP is not moaning about costs if she was she would be saying 'I wish I hadn't spent £260 on a dress' as it is she is saying 'I don't want to unnecessarily spend an extra £260'

In fact even if the dress was cheaper, she can't exchange it because it has been torn - so probably can't be sold either.

HelenaDove · 05/07/2016 23:26

finova it was still a lovely idea. Reminds me a bit of the bridesmaids dresses in the first Sex and the City film.

Cheby · 05/07/2016 23:29

I definitely wouldn't pay. If she's not willing to contribute anything then I would tell her she's not a bridesmaid any more, I'd have the ripped seam repaired and then sell the dress to recover some of your costs.

NowWhat1983 · 05/07/2016 23:47

If I tore a £75 dress as I had put on weight I could buy another one and would buy another.

A £260 dress, no way in hell. Couldnt afford that.

The BM is probably just embarrassed and equally cant afford it.

It is hard all round. Not the brides adult at all.

NotAUserNumberSoNotATroll · 05/07/2016 23:48

From bitter experience I would agree with the suggestion she doesn't want to be BM anymore abd would suggest you have that chat, agree that she's no longer BM if she's not comfortable doing that and save your friendship.

In the week before my wedding I bought BM a new dress in a different fricking colour as she thought the original chosen 6months before was not flattering, bought new shoes so each BM had a contrast to compliment each other, I fielded 7am phone calls every day, paid for her hair (more extravagant than mine) and makeup, pacified her when she "couldn't cope" with dinner the night before, had no help from her on the day as her DH can't look after their kids for 10mins.

In return I've got her sour tight lipped face in my wedding photos, no hint of a smile, and have not heard from her since. Wish she'd just been honest and said she had gotten cold feet about it, I've lost a great friend

NowWhat1983 · 05/07/2016 23:50

Brides *fault not adult.

Wdigin2this · 05/07/2016 23:54

Well, I firstly thought...she's got a damn cheek! But now I'm thinking she's probably so embarrassed about a) gaining weight, b) damaging the dress, c) letting you down!, and d) she probably hasn't got much available money! Could you have a very private word with her, about going to a dressmaker together to sort it out, (it can be done) and agreeing to go halves on the cost? If she's still kicking up a fuss over it after that, I think I'd tell her to sort it out herself!

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