Bridesmaid has gained weight and can't fit into dress

[StressedOutB2B]

I am getting married in 2 weeks. I have three bridesmaids my sister and two adult friends. All the bridesmaids had a dress fitting 3 months ago thy had a say in their dresses etc and all was fine. The dresses were £260 each I paid obviously.

Today the dresses were delivered and one of the bridesmaids has gained so much weight she can't fit into it and it's cutting her under the arms and won't do up at the back. Straining to do it up she ripped a seam. Ok these things happen but now she wants me to pay for a new dress the other one can't be taken out enough. She's not pregnant in case anyone asks she is a yo yo dieter.

I don't see why I should pay another £260 for her dress she doesn't want to be out of pocket but I think she's being ridiculous and now she's refusing to speak to me and said I'm fat shaming her. I think she should at least offer! Who is BU?

Sorry, I meant I wouldn't spend a penny on having the dress altered ......

Poor bridesmaid! She must have been mortified!
It's not up to the bridesmaid to live her life around the bride - she has her own life to live and has other things going on that may be impacting her lifestyle, and yet many of the posts are very accusatory of the BM not bothering to make an effort to control her weight because of OP's big day .
OP - you knew your BM had form for a variable body weight. You made a bad choice in dress which couldn't accommodate any changes in size, so in doing so, you took a risk that it wouldn't fit. A corset style dress might not have fitted in with your style, but would've saved all this heartache. Just something to consider when you decide how to take this forward.

Although we don't know the BM's exact circumstances, there is some general misunderstanding of binge eating disorders on this thread. BED is only similar to 'just overeating' in the way depression is to 'feeling a bit sad'.

If you do keep her as a bm make sure you get plenty of pictures with out her in because you don't want to be reminded of the shit friend you had at your wedding if you stop being friends right after.

OP said she is a yo yo dieter. She hasn't mentioned BED. Even if she has that, it still isn't the bride's fault or responsibility.

I hope you come back OP and either tell us that your bridesmaid has got over her self and is sorting out the problem she has caused or that your now going to have 2 bridesmaids instead of 3!

All this blaming the bride,sod Off!I was anorexic and I managed not to be an arsehole when I was a bridesmaid and I was 15!

I'm being a matron of honour for my best friend later this year,I've put on loads of weight and not because I've been stuffing my face and taking no responsibility for myself!I'm seriously ill and disabled now,that's why my weight gain has happened but I'm acting like an adult and doing something about it,I'm not blaming the bride!

'Poor bridesmaid! She must have been mortified!
It's not up to the bridesmaid to live her life around the bride - she has her own life to live and has other things going on that may be impacting her lifestyle, and yet many of the posts are very accusatory of the BM not bothering to make an effort to control her weight because of OP's big day hmm.'

Oh for heavens sake. If she can't be bothered to make an effort for just 3 months then she should never have agreed to be bridesmaid. At what point do you think a grown adult should take responsibility for their own actions? A real friend wouldn't want to incur costly bills for you to pick up.

Agree the BM has approached it badly (and defensively) but some of the stuffing her face comments on here are fucking horrible, and frankly people should take a look at themselves.

You don't know how she lost weight pre fitting. If it was on a meal replacement diet then in many cases as soon as you return to normal eating you gain weight very quickly, I have seen it happen.

Equally do we know if the fitting was correct in the first place? A few stories upthread of peoples dresses being too small or in my case too big.

She won't have wanted to gain weight but some people, myself included, have a very complex relationship with food. If only it was as simple as just don't gain weight .

Well even if she does have a complex relationship with food, that doesn't justify putting her friend in a situation where she has to cough up another £260. It's still the bridesmaids responsibility. It's not like the OP was expecting her not to gain a pound for a year.

To be honest, i wouldn't even want this 'friend' as a bridesmaid. And those saying the OP should pay for alterations / go halfs on a new dress, you may as well go get MUG tattood on your forehead.

£260 is not a cheap dress - she had a dress fitting in which this fit perfectly - a few months down the line and she's demanding/ wanting the OP to pay for a new dress? No chance ! That's disgusting !

She knew what size the dress she choose and ordered and the OP paid for was.

If a friend of mine had bought and paid for a dress for me and I'd put on weight or fell pregnant - I'd offer to pay for the alterations to the dress or buy a new one. It's common decency / manners. And if I couldn't afford it I'd probably feel really guilty / apologise. But I certainly wouldn't try and play the victim card " fat shaming" pah. Laughable.

Shit friend, tell her to do one.

It would be U to buy a new dress (and wasteful).

Can you alter all the bridemaids' dresses in the same way so that they all have corset backs?

I think the BM is being unreasonable to insist on a new dress or alterations to be paid for by the bride

I am always astounded by the levels of rudeness on these threads, its been explained time and time again that there can be all sorts of reasons including medication as to why someone could put on weight. Indeed all the OP has said is that she is a yoyo dieter.

I dont knkw whey people cant just comment without making insulting comments regarding greed

The last time I was bridesmaid, our measurements were taken 4 months before the dresses arrived. With the measurements, they used the widest measurement to decide on dress sizes in the shop and we got the dresses altered when they arrived. I felt stressed trying to stay at the same weight for so long. Two of the other bridesmaid's dresses did not fit so they both got a lot of alterations done. Is it possible that the dresses were not made exactly to order and this is why it's too small? Don't lose a long standing friend over this, especially if she has been a good friend otherwise.

We don't know whether the bridesmaid raised the issue of her weight fluctuating with the bride. Maybe she promised to keep to a diet and failed, or maybe she is envious of the bride and thought, 'what the hell, she can sort it out' She could have considered that if she doesn't have the money spare for alterations, maybe the bride doesn't either after all the other expenses of the wedding.

I am normally very tolerant and would help a bridesmaid as much as possible, but this bridesmaid I am losing all sympathy for with her attitude. Seriously self centred and indulgent. Is she making any effort to find a dressmaker to alter the dress? No, she expects the bride to do it two weeks before the wedding. If she thought there was the remotest chance of putting on weight, she should have stated it at the time of choosing the dress, so that enough material would have been left on the seams for alterations.

OP, not all friendships last forever. Consider whether how much you are prepared to concede on this, but do not get into debt for it.

OP - having thought about this further, could her angry reaction also be due to you not reacting in your normal way to her weight fluctuation? If normally, as her good friend, you respond to her facing that she's gained a lot of weight again by telling her it doesn't matter, she's still gorgeous, still a wonderful person etc and generally being one of the people who make her feel good about herself when low, then you also acting like her weight is a problem might be why she's lashed out at you.

Obviously you are only thinking of her weight gain as a practical problem (the dress no longer fits, it'll cost £260 to get a new one, it's not going to be easy to alter), you are still thinking of it as a problem, whereas she's used to you being someone who tells her it's not a problem who she can rely on to make her feel better, and you're not doing that right now! (for good reason, it's going ot cost you a lot of money and effort to sort)

(if you don't fulfill this role in your friend's life, then obviously ignore, just was thinking about how I respond to friends who struggle with yo yo dieting, and I think I take the role of the person who tells them they look fantastic, should still come out/go swimming when big, not to feel bad, i'm ruthlessly cheerful, also supportive when they are in a thin stage of the cycle, generally can be relied upon to respond to any comment about bodyshape in a positive way, if I responded in a negative way, then that might be a shock that caused a lashing out about 'fat shaming' if that makes sense...)

BTW - to those saying the BM should have asked for a bigger size, it doesn't work that way mentally with the yo yo dieters I know. Everytime they lose the weight, this is it, it's the time they have done it for good, this is the eating plan that works for them and they will be this thin or thinner for the rest of their lives, never going back to being fat.... the ones I know would never suggest they might regain the weight so to order the size up, if anything, they might say they haven't finished their diet and might well be thinner by then...

How about she buys another dress she can afford.

They dont need to match.

My last friends wedding all her bms wore different

The BM sounds pretty pissed off - has she had to shell out a lot on shoes, hair, make up, ridiculous hen holidays, hotel accommodation?

We're only getting one side here - the bride may have been a total bridezilla in recent months and this is the last straw.

I would suggest that you have a proper conversation with the bridesmaid - dealing with this by text is awful.

I agree it's her attitude rather than the situation.

telling her to forget a present for you could be a compromise.

I've been to the alterations place first thing I was there as it opened to see what they can do. I asked BM to meet me there so she can be measured. She came but looked really annoyed and said I was trying to humiliate her making her stand in front of strangers ins too small dress! At that point I couldn't hold my tongue any longer and said "I'm not trying to humiliate you I'm trying to fix this problem and get you a dress that actually fits you unless you want to walk down the aisle in this as it is in two weeks time?"

She was sulking dress shop said it would cost £60 to do and she stood there silently so I just paid it. I agree with PP it's not worth losing a friend over this and she hadn't been a bad friend in the past.

The shop said it's fixable but there won't be enough material to just let the seams out they are going to do a lace up back and some panels to give more space under the arms. She didn't seem to have a problem with the lace up back.

To be honest I'm furious with her and not about the weight gain but because of her selfish attitude to fixing the dress! However I don't need the stress of a fall out with her now so I'm just trying to keep the peace. I'm trying to rack my brains why she is being like this and agree she's embarrassed about the weight gain but this has been going on for years, VLCD and meal replacements then stopping and eating loads of rubbish when stressed.

Well done , get through the wedding, see if the frankly shit attitude improves and if not drop her.

Glad to hear you are managing to sort this op, I would be very annoyed! You weren't trying to humiliate her at all. When I was getting married one of my bridesmaids insisted on having a size 14 dress (she was a 16) saying that she would "slim into a 14". I secretly ordered a 16 and it fitted perfectly on the day! When I was asked to be a bridesmaid I found out I was pregnant a couple of months after the dresses had been bought. I organised and paid for a new one, I wouldn't of dreamed of putting this stress on the bride!

OP you have been more than reasonable. I predict she won't be at the wedding though. Something is going to happen and she will flounce.

I hope not for your sake though.

Oh that's great!

£60 isn't too bad compared to £260 wasted iyswim.

I agree that it's her attitude about the whole thing.