Things DH does that make me want to scream.

[Reality]

LIGHT FUCKING HEARTED

When he hangs the washing on the rotary, he double spaces it 'so it will dry quicker'. It doesn't dry any quicker, it just means you can put less out.

He always uses the smallest possible pan 'to conserve energy' which invariably means the pasta or whatever boils over.

His floordrobe of worn once clothes. Why, for the love of god, why?

When he goes to the shop, he takes the 'exact' change that he guesstimates he'll need. Obviously this means he often comes back with missing items due to not taking enough cash.

He randomly drops to the floor and starts doing press ups or sit ups or planks or whatever his latest exercise thing is.

I love him to ends of the earth and back but bloody hell sometimes he baffles me.

AIBU?

My DH takes the exact amount of money to the shop too.

And if I give him a shopping list, he'll tear the bottom off so the paper is exactly the right size for the list

The looking for things one, that gets me in a rage.

The complete inability to think for himself.
I was Cooking a full Sunday lunch, all of the trimmings, I was just at the point where you serve it all, juggling loads. I had asked him to carve.
" is this nice clean?" ( from the worktop)
I don't know
" where is the fork?"
You could look in the drawer
" should I cut it on the chopping board?"

I snapped at that point...one tiny job and he needed to ask three questions. Just fucking work it out. I don't want to have to do his sodding thinking!

Resting the lid on top of the coffee jar, maybe one light turn; looks likes it's screwed on properly, oh dear, no, it's not.
Reality, verily I say unto you, you have opened a can of worms: this one will run and run.

When he hangs the washing on the rotary, he double spaces it 'so it will dry quicker'. It doesn't dry any quicker, it just means you can put less out.

This is literally the opposite for DH who has been known to LAYER wet washing on the dryer... like it will EVER dry that way.

He also:

Turns the hob down - no matter who is cooking, he likes to do it 'lower and slower' than should be encouraged. Absolutely no urgency, irrespective of how hungry we are, or what the time is.

Takes a thousand years to prepare vegetables. I've never seen anyone slice so fucking slowly carefully.

Never, ever removes the water glass from the bedside table in the morning. I do it every, single, morning. Even if he's tidying up - he misses that glass.

Leaves washing-up spread across the near-sink-surface rather than stacking it carefully. We are a clean household, we wash-up after every meal, but why can't it be left neat and tidy for the time between eating and washing?

Doesn't wring the cloth out properly before wiping the surfaces, leaving them very wet.

He is otherwise heroic...he picks me up from the station (a 10 minute walk), he washes-up most evenings (I'm pregnant and feel like an air-filled whale only fit for lying flat by 7:30pm), he rubs my back and looks after me (even if I don't feel like I need to be looked after). Just don't watch him chop a carrot, bless him.

Walking past the recycling bin to make a pile of things to put in the recycling bin later.

Making a lemon tea, drinking it, walking past the bin with the cup and leaving it by the sink with the skanky lemon slices in it, presumably for me to put in the bin that he's just fucking walked past.

Worst one for me is -
Him - I'll make tea
Me - great, here's the recipe (sits down with magazine)
Him - EVERY 2 MINS
Is tbsp a little spoon?
When it says "finely chopped" is this right?
Is this cooked enough?
FFS I'll do it myself!

He loses his glasses all the time and I have to find them because he can't see to look.

He collects things - the latest is corks -wtf is he going to do with them

i actually exclaimed "ooooh" at your pic purevida
...dh also seems to regard our bread bin as a display plinth, not a storage container.

yes to the sky planner too....I am also interrogated with all those questions PLUS the outraged and incredulous " WHO recorded THIS in HD? ....it takes up soooooooooo much space"

Ooo where to start ;)

Not tidying up after himself , particularly his clothes that I've laundered and tools he's used - I just leave it until he does it, sometimes for months.
Going off to do some kind of household maintenance task then asking for help constantly 'could I just borrow you for a sec' - when I'm always using the time to do something similar myself but somehow miraculously manage to complete my bits without assistance.

For balance, I drive him nuts because I fling myself into furniture rather than sitting gracefully, refusing to make phone calls about domestic stuff because I do it all day at work and putting laundry on so that it finishes at bedtime and forcing him to hang it out with me when we should be getting ready for bed.

Good job we love each other :D

OH! And he hands me stuff while he's cooking asking me to 'just rinse this' by which he actually means 'wash this up'. For some reason really makes me rage - just ask me to wash it up FFS.

He thinks I'm Google. It's all, "how do you spell?" this and "how many ounces are in a pound?" that, with a bit of "where is Bristol again?" and "is shepherds pie lamb or beef?" thrown in. Given that the bloke is surgically attached to his phone JUST LOOK IT UP!!!!!

He is also physically incapable of shutting a door or pair of curtains. But if the curtains are closed he is also physically incapable of opening them. He would sit in the dark all day before he would actually get up and open the curtains.

saying just as I start a chore 'oh yeah I was just about to do that' every.fooking.time.

Dh eats his toast and fruit over the sink at breakfast. drives me mad! It's some kind of student days hangover that seems to stop him from sitting g at the table with a plate.
He also had peanut butter on his toast and leaves the dirty knife out on the side every.single.day!

Reality, what did I tell you?
We're all het up over other peoples' DHs now, not just our own.

This is good...

Also fake washing up, rinses and stacks virtually clean plates - just fucking wash them.

Likes putting clean clothes in the wash basket (usually children's) HIS dirty clothes, all over the floor or hung up

Night before or morning he's going somewhere - 'are my jeans clean?'. No - they're folded amongst some clean clothes 'didn't you wash them' no I Friggin didn't

Blind - 'where are the sandwich bags?' in that cupboard, opens cupboard - STARES at me - if he looked inside you can see them as at the front. 'I can't find them'.

Does not cook, never, says he never has the time blah blah. (He does). Watches hours of cookery programmes, tells me constantly how to cook things right...

Has to be late, if he's ready early he will sit down and wait to leave? Including to work and then be late

Will NEVER turn down an invitation or the offer of some shit. My shed is full of things he has taken off people we didn't want/need, can't say no.
Says yes to invitations - one to a evening wedding do recently, we have no babysitter -
Day before he is still talking that we are going, we didn't, bride was pissed as we had said yes, hardly anyone else from his work went but she wasn't bothered, but he said yes so was expected.

And can't put things in the bin - might think it's illegal or something

Oh yes Banana, mine also can't say no to anything. Our garden is currently full of piles of wood and rubble that somebody on gumtree was giving away. No use for it, but there it is!

Oh there are more.

Leaves the kitchen sponge /cloth unrinsed and sopping wet in the sink where it a) doesn't dry out and b) starts to reek of rotting food.
Scrapes toast crumbs and other food detritus into the sink instead of the bin. On top of the putrifying cloth which has to be scraped clean and washed (by me) before it can be used.
"Flops" into bed, often waking me up as I get bounced around. Last year when camping he did this onto our airbed (got into his sleeping bag standing up and then did a giant flop) and I was bounced right off the airbed onto the ground. My screams and expletives woke both our children and the two children of another family in the next tent.

I started a thread about this recently. I woke DH up for work as he can't set the alarm on his phone, he asked me why I wasn't up. BECAUSE IT'S NOT FUCKING TIME YET! JUST LET ME SLEEP!

Mine is unable to make a cup of instant coffee with sugar without slightly missing the mug so that a few granules of coffee and sugar land on the worktop. Where they slowly dissolve to leave a sticky brown mess.

He's good at doing the dishes if I have cooked, but since I tend to clear up as I go along, this is mainly just putting dishes in diswasher, maybe a pan or two.
But apparently wiping surfaces is not part of the remit.

DH is a hoarder and it's a constant battle keeping his crap under control.

I have half a shelf in the bathroom that he is not allowed to use, so every time he puts his stuff on my side I have to move it back. I decided to teach him a lesson so I started to hide his toothbrush in odd places whenever it crossed the border and invaded my territory. We never spoke about it but it still kept happening, so I lost my temper and confronted him.

Apparently he thought it was a game and he'd really enjoyed it.

Mine has a bizarre attachment to the hoover, which I shouldnt really complain about because it means we have a clean floor but he is a pain in the arse with it:

Once we were building a piece of furniture.

One piece of wood removed from furniture box
hoover goes on
Next piece removed from box
hoover goes on
Another piece removed
hoover goes on

From start to finish, he hoovered 6 fucking times! I told him if we just got on with it he would only need to hoover at the end only one time!!

Doing all the washing-up bar one pan. Which I then refuse to wash because the dishes arehis bloody job (not petty me). So it just sits on the side for ages growing new life forms.
Asking me if I'm sure I don't need a coat or jacket before we go out. When I say "no" telling me I will be cold. Going on and on about not wanting me to moan about being cold. I'm not bloody cold. I can dress myself. I don't need a god damn coat. If I did I would have worn one.
I love him but honestly.

The not looking.
Draping wet towels over the top of the bathroom door.
Draping wet towels over the bannisters.
Going for a crap as soon as he walks in the door.
The sneezing.
Making a dog howling sound when he yawns.
Finding a new song he likes, downloading it, playing it on repeat for 24 hrs - then never listening to it again.
Handing me every item he has in his hand once he's finished with it - I ignore that now.
Saying "what's for supper?" as I walk out the door at 6.45pm to go to my exercise class.
Etc etc etc

Mine never finishes washing the dishes. He fills up the sink, washes about 4 cups and 'steeps' the rest of the dishes. Then the water invariably goes cold and greasy and someone, ie ME has to put their hand in and unplug it.

Also takes out a new dishcloth or tea towel every 5 minutes so I could have 3 or 4 of them lying around at any given time. One of each is sufficient.

Giving the dishcloth a half-hearted squeeze after use and then wondering why its stinks 2 hours later. FFS just rinse, wring and hang it over the sink and it will be nice and dry and not stinky the next time you want to use it.

I'm getting a dishwasher in the next couple of weeks in the interests of domestic harmony

We have the disposable contact lens containers left around here, and when DH removes the lenses I have found them in all sorts of places that aren't the bin. However, since he has realised the containers are recyclable he will save them rather than bin them.

We have lots of different wheelie bins for recycling and landfill, plus a kitchen food waste bucket, we've had them a few years now and DH still hasn't grasped what goes where. I have had to fish bits of polythene food wrapping out of the food waste because he's absentmindedly put it in there. There is a leaflet stuck to the wall above the food waste bin saying what goes where which clearly he hasn't bothered to read as it's easier to just ask me.

Crumbs all over the worktop after making a sandwich, crusty rolls are the worst.

He's always had a problem with putting something down and not remembering where.

The wet towel thing however isn't a problem! He hangs it on the rail in the bathroom in front of the radiator, not crumpled.

Floordrobe
Not shutting cupboards
Washing up but not rinsing
Washing up and leaving the plug and all the dirty water in, plus a few forks swirling at the bottom
Washing up but not cleaning things
Leaving used cotton buds everywhere
Faffing about in the mornings, taking longer than me to get ready, not helping to get DS ready, wandering back into the house 200 times for his keys / wallet / hat / ecig then complaining he's going to be late
Snoring
Talking over me. Worse when drink is taken
"HIs room" (study) being worse than a students bedroom

And breathe..........