Things DH does that make me want to scream.

[Reality]

LIGHT FUCKING HEARTED

When he hangs the washing on the rotary, he double spaces it 'so it will dry quicker'. It doesn't dry any quicker, it just means you can put less out.

He always uses the smallest possible pan 'to conserve energy' which invariably means the pasta or whatever boils over.

His floordrobe of worn once clothes. Why, for the love of god, why?

When he goes to the shop, he takes the 'exact' change that he guesstimates he'll need. Obviously this means he often comes back with missing items due to not taking enough cash.

He randomly drops to the floor and starts doing press ups or sit ups or planks or whatever his latest exercise thing is.

I love him to ends of the earth and back but bloody hell sometimes he baffles me.

AIBU?

After watching any tv show or film there is s ritual that must be followed which involves him looking up every single actor on IMDB to admire their life's work. After the actors we move onto the director, producers sometimes even the conceptual artists and composers if I'm really lucky. Each person is investigated for 5 minutes each, interspersed with gasps of delight and whispered amazements. Sometimes he will go off into a tangent if he finds a particular film he hasn't heard of in a while. The whole process can last between 20 minutes and 2 hours and I will mostly remain entirely silent throughout resisting the urge to stuff his phone down his throat.

He even does it in the cinema after the film or even worse if we are with friends/family and someone is foolish enough to bring up an obscure film or actor.

Oh for just one floordrobe to be fair I leave clean clothes on my shelf in the bathroom (hang over from.baby days and getting changed several.times a day), but he leaves clothes in the bathroom, bedroom, dinning room, living room and now even on the fucking balcony - WHY when do plan dressing out fucking side

Oh and the toothpicks / matchsticks / hay - its like living with Farmer Giles.

He can find stuff and put washing on though so has some redeeming features

Spitting has now been stopped as I've taught the toddler its rude and he keeps telling him off.

I knew I wasn't alone.

I'm making breakfast. How long before breakfast

We play the finding things 'game' too.

DH likes to ask me to check things.

Can I repeatedly check the X he's cooking is done? (no, otherwise I may as well have fucking cooked it).

Can I check through the clothes he's picked out for DS? (no, otherwise I could have done it myself)

Also can I 'help' with things that I manage to do ALL BY MYSELF. Putting the bins out (can I open the door please?), can I just hold X? (no, just put the cunting thing DOWN)

He also rings on his way home from work to talk. It's nice occasionally but it's not a long drive and it often means he starts asking me to do things (eg call someone or find something) which can wait until he gets home to do it himself. Or we'll be 5 minutes into a journey where he's driving and he'll ask me to call someone. It's not a one off, it's almost every time we get in the fucking car.

I know this makes him sound like a lazy incompetent arse but he's really not, I think he fears if something isn't done now he'll forget.

He has sole charge of the DC throughout the day in the school holidays (and proves he's no less adequate a parent than me!) and I return home to a sparkling house. So he is perfectly capable of doing it by himself

Blarblarblar I am also living in a dusty hell - but of course if I mention it I get the 'Shut up I'm the one doing it' speech.

floordrobe which can have up to three pairs of trousers in it, multiple t shirts etc.
taking his drunk empty cup and putting it ON TOP of the dishwasher but never IN THE THING
wet chewing. I have to leave the room.
putting sport on tv and then leaving the room for hours. returning and saying: 'why have you turned off the cricket I wanted to know the score.'
NEVER getting the kids off the x box and computer but always pointing out to me that its a parenting fail...

Never knows the whereabouts of his keys then flies around the house in a demented frenzy trying to find them, before we are about to leave in the morning.

Dropping off to sleep at the kitchen table, whilst watching the telly, then snoring through whatever programme i am trying to watch.

I do love him

Wet towels on the bed.
Waking me up when he goes to work at 4am.
Telling me I should go to bed earlier when I complain I'm tired after he's woken me up.
Rubbish anywhere but the bin on the floor in front of him ready for me to clean up. I could hang him for that. He's been known to walk in the kitchen past the bin and put stuff on the side.
I do love him but he drives me batty some days

Argh - yes to the not wiping down the kitchen work surface or cleaning chopping boards. Drives me mad!

But then again I am forever leaving things in the fridge to turn into biology experiments which drives him mad... so it all balances out in the end.

Every time we have a row he develops strange medical conditions.

Feeling that "All his organs are gradually closing down" was the latest.

Jumping on this!!!

Leaving yesterday's pants EVERYWHERE.
Not being able to find anything himself.
Putting cutlery the wrong way up in the dishwasher (even when everything else is the other way and it takes twice the time to put away)
Always having the volume up super loud
Shouting on the phone

Oooohhh and a few weekends ago he stayed up late (3am!) doing work BUT had hiccups for the next three and a half hours! He's a big bloke so each one made the bed shake. I woke him up and told him to drink some water or I'd smother him with my pillow!

He's a lovely bloke, great dad and rather gorgeous so I put up with it, I probably piss him off too.

Putting a used teaspoon on the side near kettle , leaving a sticky mess, despite there being a bowl for teabags and spoons (which he puts the teabags in).
Washing up by putting liquid on sponge and using running water. This uses loads more liquid and water than just filling the bowl and leaves everything soapy.

Washing his muddy, grassy football boots in my washing machine and not cleaning it out afterwards so the next load of washing comes out covered in bits. Drives me mad! Why he doesn't just knock the lumps off and clean them in the sink like a normal person is beyond me. I can hear them banging away in the tumble dryer as I type but will no doubt forget to check the washing machine when I put a load on later.

Also doing a DIY job and leaving all his tools behind when he's finished, usually piled up neatly in the corner of the room or on the windowsill. The effort it takes to move them Into said neat pile could easily be used to put them back in the garage, you fool!

Starting a job without half the equipment he needs and then yelling to me to find and bring it to him.

And another vote for doing pointless jobs instead of stuff that actually needs to be done. I still resent that time he knowingly invited friends on a day when I was going to be out on a works thing all day. I said fine, provided he did all the tidying up and at least part prepared the food. So I arrived back totally knackered, he'd done nothing about food and the place was a mess. He just couldn't understand my lack of enthusiasm when he proudly showed me the soap dish he'd screwed in above the kitchen sink. Which, just to be clear, it had never once occurred to me that we might possibly need.

He drags his feet when he walks around the house. We have wooden floors and the sound drives me crazy. And to add to the foot dragging, his ankles click with EVERY FUCKING STEP.

Oh god yes, and the teaspoon by the kettle, leaving a little puddle on my lovely shiny granite. We have a million teaspoons, just put it in the dishwasher and be done with it!

Quite often I work during the day then come home and dh goes off to work. He's been there all day, boys at school and he leaves the fucking breakfast dishes for me and I get " sorry " as he's on the way out the door. Not good enough. There are lots of other things.

This thread is hilarious and so many of these things are so typical of our house.

It's got me wondering are our brains wired differently or are we rescuers.

Saying that I do some of these things like putting liquid on the spine and washing under running water!

Not many of these are actually LIGHT FUCKING HEARTED are they?

Floordrobe is irritating. And apparently it runs in the family. 4yo DD came to me with a pair of pants yesterday and was like sniff "are these clean?" And I was like "I will tell you what I told your dad when we moved in together, and have told him many, many times since then: if you need to sniff them, THEY'RE BLOOMING DIRTY!".

And not folding the towel when he puts it back on the towel rail. The towel rail is 2/3 the width of a bath towel; it's also heated. Fold your towel in half and place it on our towel rail, and when you return the next morning, your towel will be dry. Alternatively you can use my DH's method, which is to put the towel up unfolded and fiddle with the wrinkles for 20 minutes to try and ensure that you're using the whole of the width of the heater. The wrinkles will then work their way out to the edges and bunch up so that when you come back the next morning your towel will be dry in the middle and wet all round the outside. Mutter to yourself, turn up the heating, and repeat.

Whistles.
Sings, in over-stylised manner, that gets more and more stylised with each repetition.
Does little "scratchies" on my back as he walks past - I hate this.
Whistles.
Talks shit a lot of the time
Whistles
does the Disney dad thing a lot of the time, even though we're still together
Did I mention he whistles? .

DH is away for work. I'm going to tackle the floordrobe tonight by shoving each and every bit of it into his drawers and wardrobes. Not nicely either. I'd like some sort of avalanche effect when he comes home.

I often wash up under running water too. Waitrose sell foamy liquid for putting on the sponge, smells of pears.

Sorry for derail.

Why the fuck do they dump the teaspoons on the side? WHY

Dh used to put them on the clean draining board, I asked him not to so now he leaves them on the side. Why not just put it in the dishwasher or even in the sink?