Things DH does that make me want to scream.

[Reality]

LIGHT FUCKING HEARTED

When he hangs the washing on the rotary, he double spaces it 'so it will dry quicker'. It doesn't dry any quicker, it just means you can put less out.

He always uses the smallest possible pan 'to conserve energy' which invariably means the pasta or whatever boils over.

His floordrobe of worn once clothes. Why, for the love of god, why?

When he goes to the shop, he takes the 'exact' change that he guesstimates he'll need. Obviously this means he often comes back with missing items due to not taking enough cash.

He randomly drops to the floor and starts doing press ups or sit ups or planks or whatever his latest exercise thing is.

I love him to ends of the earth and back but bloody hell sometimes he baffles me.

AIBU?

I am a Sky Planner Fretter. It's mostly shit off CBBC that DC1 has had to download to watch and then forgotten to delete. Occasionally I do a "delete all viewed".

DH - does the unurgent jobs, yes. Famously cleared out the garage the day before we went on holiday and was extremely indignant when I wasn't grateful.

Most of his quirks have to do with fucking contact lenses though. Leaves the cases lying around to get knocked so there's saline marks on the chest of drawers. But worse, he abandons the used lenses - just picks them off his eyeballs and drops them off the side of the bed. There's no bin there. I end up finding them stuck to me. Yesterday the toddler ate some. Fucking revolting.

When he does this in hotels I absolutely rage.

My DH has all of the common and garden blood pressure enhancers, and a few exotic ones thrown in for good measure, mostly verbal:

• Uses business jargon in domestic settings.
• When someone is explaining something to us, especially someone we don't know, says 'gotcha', at every pause.
• Sings 'Zabaglione, and Marscapone' at increasingly loud volume to the tune of 'Congratulations and celebrations'
• Whenever he stands up from a nice long sit-down, shouts 'OOOPOOLALALAlalala'.
• Whenever going for a shower, says, "Im going for me shaowakatzi'.
• Attempts to speak in various accents, ALL of which involve gritting his teeth together and talking in a sing-song voice.
• Whenever we discuss something we are going to do involving me doing the talking eg arrange household repair, tells me exactly what I should say (tbf he also tells me exactly what he is going to say when situation is reversed)
• Thinks literally anything around the house which is broken can be fixed with duct tape. Leaky roof? Duct tape! Broken satellite dish? Duct tape!

That is all (actually it is not)

Inability to remember a shopping list of 3 things. If he doesn't write it down, then there's a very good chance he'll come back with 1 right thing, 1 thing that's close and have no idea what the third thing was.

Inability to see mess, things on the floor and pretty much anything that needs to be done.

Ability to agree to something and 30 seconds later, to forget what he agreed to

Procrastination: why do something now when you can put it off...for no good reason...

Ability to prioritize his own sleep over everything else...including a crying child. Grrrr.

What is it with edges apocalypse?! How hard is it?!
Cupboard doors a habit now dd1 has also developed
Turning car off with windscreen wipers halfway up window
Telling people what they want to hear not what will actually happen "because it makes them feel better" umm, no it really doesn't!

Floordrobe - YES
Inability to see mess, then gets annoyed when I just dump all his stuff on his office desk.
Will cuddle and kiss me when I'm CLEARLY trying to do something like get out of the door because I'm late for work, or make the fucking dinner.
Always does an 'impressed double take' when I'm naked/ semi-naked ("But you'd be upset if I didn't show you how attractive I find you!" - "No. I wouldn't")
Sniffing. Oh god the sniffing.
Will decide that he absolutely has to do some other menial task right before we need to leave the house.
We both work from home. EVERY time he goes to get a cup of tea he'll try to start a conversation with me, even though he can see I'm trying to concentrate on work.
Apparent allergy to hanging up washing.

At least your DH helps with washing! Mine doesn't.

No matter where we're going my DH walks out of the house leaving the door open, even if I've been sitting waiting for ages. He never locks up. So I have to wait to lock everything up, then he sits in the car revving like he's been waiting ages. How hard is it to lock up?!
No matter where we are going, when hes ready, we have to leave right that second. Whether it's out for a meal or to the corner shop, whether I'm ready or not. When I'm ready, I have to wait for everyone.
Complains outragously when I wash the bedding cos I'm getting rid of the 'smell'!

My DH sweeps the floor and leaves the resulting pile of sweepings there ready for someone else (??) to collect and put in the bin. Seriously. Everytime.

Oh yeah and not just DH but dc also. How high can they pile the rubbish before someone realises we need a new bin bags. As high as it will possibly go. Even when it falls on the floor. It seems only me in the house can empty the bin and put rubbish out.

My DH would love this thread as I do loads of this stuff! His list for me would be:

Floordrobe

Putting the cd in the case of the next one to go into the player effectively ensuring no cd is ever in its correct box

Reporting the dimensions of any given rectangle in metric for one side and imperial for the other

He on the other hand:

Categorically refuses to engage with tupperware. Won't open the drawer to put it away and refuses to get involved with the boxing up of leftovers.

Won't speak on the phone. Only I can order a taxi or a takeaway.

Leaving toilet roll tube next to bin when finished with it. Not in bin. Next to it.

Deliberately looking for things which make him cross on the internet and then sitting there fuming whilst I am trying to watch telly.

Ability to dodge requests to clean by saying 'Does it really need to be done RIGHT now?" And then holding off doing whatever it was for three weeks, by which point I have cracked and done it. At which point he will invariably act aggrieved and say that he was JUST about to so it. Maddening.

Prefacing this with the fact that DH is kind and unselfish, but that doesn't mean he's without his 'quirks'

Double/triple/quadruple spacing the dishes in dishwasher as he doesn't believe 2 plates next to each other will wash properly. But then balancing a huge baking tray over the top, creating an effective shield stopping the water getting to & cleaning dishes on the top rack. Which he fails to notice aren't clean, and puts away dirty.

Faffing. Incessant faffing. And unable to prioritise tasks. When your entire family is stood by front door, coats on waiting to go out (usually to something with a set start time) is not the time to attempt to clean smear multipurpose cleaner on the inside Windows, for the first time in your life or fix the wall light that's been sat in a box for months to the wall in the wrong place.

Genuinely believing that everywhere is half an hour away, and/or telling people he will 'be there in half an hour', regardless of the fact that he's well over an hour away. Then failing to understand why people are annoyed with him strolling in 90mins later than he said he would.

Floordrobe.
Putting his shoes in front of the wardrobe so that I can't open the door properly. Also hanging hangers on the wardrobe handles.
Talking over stuff on the TV (I will think we've finished talking about a topic, but he'll carry on when I'm trying to concentrate on the TV - he gets annoyed if I turn up the volume so I can hear).
He'll keep talking to me when he knows I'm walking out of the room (e.g. if I'd popped into the kitchen to put something in the bin and he starts talking to me).
If we're outside (in the garden, or walking up the road) he'll talk whilst he's got his back to me (e.g. walking in front of me on a narrow path) and gets annoyed when I tell him I can't hear as he's facing away from me with background noise (traffic etc).
He fills the sink with washing up whether it's full of water or not which means you can't wash anything up without unloading the whole sink again.
He doesn't put stuff away off the draining board before he washes other things up resulting in the dry things being wet again (and covered in bubble marks) and also creates the 'leaning tower of crockery/pans' in the process which teeters precariously and more often than not collapses!

That said, I'm sure I have lots of faults (I know I leave piles of post/junk mail/letters from school on the kitchen side which build up to mountains) but and he puts up with me and hardly ever never complains. He's quite amazing really

Yeah true. we all have faults, one of mine is letting the not quite empty jars build up waiting to be washed out for recycling. I hate that job so they smell even worse when I finally do the job wearing a nose peg! Though dh would just throw them in the rubbish!

In addition to most of the things already mentioned:

Despite having had a driving licence for over 40 years he apparently has no idea when he needs to change gear.

Doesn't know how to change the ink cartridges in the printer.

We have a chair, rather than a floordrobe, currently hosting about 4 pairs of socks & pants (worn once). I've always had a rule that stuff doesn't get washed unless its in the laundry basket, so to be fair he doesn't leave many clothes lying around. However, he often puts smelly shirts with dirty collars back in the wardrobe. Some have already been worn two or three times. If I announce a white wash I often get presented with half a dozen shirts.

We don't have a dishwasher. He will never wash pans. If he washes glasses its just a quick dunk & he never actually wipes around. So I find them with greasy fingerprints on them or traces of dried orange juice etc. yuk.

But the thing that really, really sets my teeth on edge is when we are watching something prerecorded, DVD etc. He will rewind if he misses a bit of the conversation, or if someone says something that isn't instantly clear. (He is hard of hearing & really ought to wear his hearing aids all the time) So a 90 min film can last a full evening. I have to listen to a running commentary from him yet he tells me to shut up if I comment on something. Then he rewinds as if to make the point that I made him miss something terribly crucial to the plot.

Is incapable of filling in a fucking form. We've had a very simple form returned to us 4 bloody times now because he keeps leaving simple fucking parts out.
It's a form how hard could it be I had a look told him it looks very simple just answer the questions. He's not even reading the cover letters.
I wish I'd just done it myself and forged the signature.

I forgot the "going out" bit.

He will say, lets go to xx for the day. OK. So he changes his pants, put on his trainers & picks up the car keys. Then sits in kitchen tutting.

I go around collecting things like sunscreen, glasses, phone, tissues, water bottle, camera, membership cards etc etc
Check windows are closed/locked.
Check electricals are switched off where necessary, including chargers.
Put milk & butter away in fridge (which he invariably forgets).

Perhaps 10 minutes later he'll tell me to stop faffing & get a move on.

But its always HIM who wants the sunscreen, water, camera etc.

I could go on....

he's incapable of walking past a public convenience without wanting to use it.

Not really a weak bladder, he can go for hours if he doesn't see one.

Forgot to bring up my tea this morning. Will never take a bin up to the bathroom, but will decorate the top of the cistern with loo roll middles and empty pill bottles to 'remind' me to bring one up. I've even put one on the stairs for the next time someone goes up, but he won't take it up.

All this confusion as to why the men put the wet towels on the women's side of the bed.

He doesn't want his share of the duvet wet. Doesn't care about yours. Obvious to me.

Luckily we have separate bedrooms so his wet towels are left on his bed, it annoys me greatly when I do see them (to be fair he doesn't ALWAYS do it.) He does his own washing and drying and ironing. Though someone must've told him that socks are all contagious or poisoned when they're dirty because he washes them separately . I sometimes think there's nothing in the machine when it's going… no it's 4 pairs of dh's socks fgs !

Vixster mine does that with DVDs - ostentatiously rewinds if I've dared to speak yet keeps rabbiting on himself - he only talks in the bits that aren't important, apparently - drives me fucking spare

Leaving smelly trainers in the bedroom,

Not taking shoes off in the house (everyone else does including children),

Constantly putting things back in the wrong places in the kitchen .

Buying the kind of flowers I can't stand (lillies) even though I even delicately told him I cant stand them once. Should I really have to have that conversation again? I dont often get bought flowers to be clear, so when I do it would just be nice to have something i like . and the bloody things are expensive.

Forgetting genuinely important , and not (see above) things we have discussed at length

There are so many more...

Ha this is really funny reading!
my list:

• if I'm in the toilet for more than 30 seconds he starts shouting 'what are you DOING in there???????'
• debriefing me each morning on the dream he had
• when on the phone to me will start talking then forget where it's going so I get this 'oo you know the errr oo the errmm ooo what is it the errrrmmmm' I DONT FUCKING KNOW IM NOT A MIND READER

- we've just moved house and he has a tendency to obsess just slightly over things we don't need to/can't change yet. Example one, on the DAY we moved in he notices the previous owner has left picture hooks on the wall, I say don't worry Wel either hang our own stuff up or remove them, let's not worry about it RIGHT NOW. I go to the car to collect more things return to find him ripping said hooks off the wall. Removing half of the wall & paint with it. In the only room in the whole house which has newly painted/plastered walls!!!

I could go on but I won't as I know I'm very annoying too!!

Oh I do just need to add one more, his irrational fear of answering the door. In hotels if we get room service he hides in the bathroom. In our house if someone knocks the door he will physically run away and hide on the stairs

Falls asleep when he gets in !!
Leaves wrappers everywhere but the bin
Does not appear to know where the washing basket lives
Football is on alot
Does not talk when in a mood that drive's me batty