Things DH does that make me want to scream.

[Reality]

LIGHT FUCKING HEARTED

When he hangs the washing on the rotary, he double spaces it 'so it will dry quicker'. It doesn't dry any quicker, it just means you can put less out.

He always uses the smallest possible pan 'to conserve energy' which invariably means the pasta or whatever boils over.

His floordrobe of worn once clothes. Why, for the love of god, why?

When he goes to the shop, he takes the 'exact' change that he guesstimates he'll need. Obviously this means he often comes back with missing items due to not taking enough cash.

He randomly drops to the floor and starts doing press ups or sit ups or planks or whatever his latest exercise thing is.

I love him to ends of the earth and back but bloody hell sometimes he baffles me.

AIBU?

Reality
My dad once waited til my mum was shampooing her hair in the shower cubicle in the on suite... Then opened the door, farted and closed it again.

Pretty sure the whole street heard her scream "you dirty fucking bastard, arggghhhhhh". It's forever one of my favourite stories.

Point being, it could be worse

One of DHs best traits is that he's never farted in front of me.

But somehow doing it behind a thin wooden door is ok?

Yeah well I 'win'. We also have several floordrobes but after coming back from being in the UK with DS for a month I discovered the bedside floordrobe was very crusty. Filthy fucking pig.

DH makes his own sandwiches to take to work for lunch in the mornings. This occurs after I have already left for work. When I get home again, there is always - fucking ALWAYS - a load of crumbs all over the working top and the chopping board.

Drives. Me. Nuts.

The other day, in a fit of passive aggressive pique, I carefully swept them into a pile and handed them back to him, as they were obviously really important and he clearly wanted to keep them.

Messy bastard.

Difficult lemon, I've started putting the crumbs in DH's bed when he does that. Or sprinkle them over his iPad.

My Mum always told me it was common to drink all the tea in your cup.

Never snapping shut air tight plastic boxes so things like cereal and bread go stale.

Uses more pots, pans and utensils than Gary Rhodes.

Always puts the above in the washing up bowl and I have to take them out to fill up the bowl to wash them.

Loads the dishwasher the wrong way my way.

Never finishing a cup of coffee. What a flipping waste.

So many of these happen in our house. Sorry if I'm repeating, haven't read the whole thread. He always does a half job of cleaning the kitchen - like stacking things jenga style by the sink (which must take ages) when he could have just opened the dishwasher and put them in.

I got so fed up of the floordrobe I gave him a small washing basket on his side of the bed. I'm sure the things at the bottom went out of fashion in the nineties!

The thing that really gets my goat though is starting new packets/bottles when there's a tiny bit left. No exaggeration, we currently have 12 chilli sauce bottles in the cupboard because I daren't chuck out the favourite!

Dh's other habits that infuriate me:

Making an unholy loud noise with his duvet. I don't get how he can make a super sonic boom with just some feathers and a cotton cover. I've tried swapping his duvet for mine, still the same.

Making a weird grunty, humming noise when he eats. He refuses to admit to it. I recorded him on my phone and he said it's the phone humming with feedback.

Leaving teeny, tiny hairs stuck like glue all over the bathroom, towels, floor, ceiling every time he shaves.

Driving with one finger like he thinks he's Nigel fucking Mansel.

Using my toothbrush. And leaving bits of food on it.

Never ever EVER managing to put a dirty nappy he (rarely) changes anywhere near a bin. (Currently undergoing Pavlovian type training where in hide them in his shoes, bag or car.)

Never texting me back. Insists on calling. I'm generally not in a position to talk if I've texted him with a question in the first place. "I don't do texting" he says.

When replacing a loo roll he balances it on the top of the holder instead of the extra two seconds to put it in the holder.

This is making me laugh so hard ... so pleased others have to deal with the same nonsense:

Floordrobe (in bedroom/bathroom/lounge/wherever takes them off)
Tools always left where he has last been so I have to move them obviously and only put them in one place, but he then can't find them and it's my fault apparently - then he sings 'I like to move it, move it' just to piss me off more
Glasses/wallet/keys always missing because they are never put in the same place twice
The same as others - where is so-and-so, and I have to give bloody directions because he'd like cupboards to be 300ft long so everything could be at the front because he's incapable of looking to the back/under anything
Clothes including each sock always taken off inside out, or if he has layers on in the winter (t-shirt/thermal/jumper) they're all taken off inside out still attached together so it takes me ages to get them apart to wash

I blame his bloody mother, but my two boys do exactly as he does and it infuriates me that I'm forever clearing up after all three of the dirty mucky swines gorgeous creatures

Oh oh, when he deigns to do the washing up he'll just put the new wet stuff on top of the old, dry stuff. We live in a pretty humid place so it means we get an Eiffel Tower of never drying toppleyness.

This has really make me larf

Floordrobe y y y

Not looking for things, before bellowing up to me that he's looked everywhere for it....

Not wrapping the bread up properly so it doesn't go stale, same with the cheese, many a time I have said put it in a airtight container if you're the first to open it, never does, end up chucking half of it away!!!

Brushing his teeth is the worse thought, he will leave all doors open so you can heard him dry-heave for 3 minutes every bloody morning.....at 6.30am arsehole

Floordrobe u women r lucky. Mine leaves clothes on banisters (we have two lots of stairs) doors this could toilet door cupboard door bathroom door kids doors, ends of beds kitchen table kitchen chairs door handles the floor the baby's cot. Wherever it comes off it stays. He leaves every door open every drawer open, in bed he moans how hot he is puts the bastards an on full fuckin blast in my face then the arse hole covers him self with the blanket. WHAT THE FUCK. Never ever opens curtains or blinds. Leaves rubbing NEXT to the bin, 'helps' me by putting DIRTY washing INFRONT of the washing machine. Chops veg on the kitchen work surface I even leave a board out now. Ur still cuts next to it. Peels potatoes over an open bin and drops half of them. Butters bread/toast on the side and then put it on the plate. I stead of putting in on the plate then buttering it. Saves crumbs duh.... And the worst which I very nearly. Left the whole relationship over- he DIGS Holes in the butter. Kill. Me. Now.

Yes to:

Floordrobe;
Inability to shut doors and drawers;
Wet towels on bed
Leaving dishes to "soak"
Inability to find his hand in front of his face unless I tell him where it is....

But also:

• Forgets his wallet whenever we go out (think he thinks he's the queen and requires no means of payment...);
• Uses the bread knife (long handled serrated variety) rather than a butter knife to butter his fecking toast so the next person to use it has to wash it/ wipe congealed butter from it (boak);
• Says "what's that smell?" And sniffs loudly every twenty minutes - he says his increasing deafness is being compensated for by an increased sense of smell (WTAF?!)

Me? Of course I'm bloomin' perfect I am....

Forgot about him rinsing the dishes in the sink, then placing them on the fucking side, not putting them in the dishwasher that's right next to the sink

The last five times we've been out to eat he's forgotten to wear shoes so we've got there and had to go back. You'd think I'd check now but HE'S A FUCKING ADULT.

This thread has made me laugh so much - thank you all.
DPs best are

• Floordrobe,
• Wet towels on bed - we have huge bath sheets which he leaves spread across the bed after showering, then the dog lies on them,
• Keeps the boxes / packaging for everything he buys (set of glasses from about 2002, all broken now - box is still on the top shelf in the kitchen cupboard "in case we need to pack them when we move" (no plans to move in the next decade),
• also keeps every item of correspondence the postman delivers in a huge heap on his desk, then has a meltdown when he can't find something which arrived four weeks ago and he's just remembered to deal with it,
• is a fantastic cook, but needs a team of kitchen slaves after making a meal, as he leaves everything (packaging, utensils, pans, veg peelings etc on the kitchen bench),
• Has no idea about DIY despite researching everything thoroughly on web, tried to stick a small piece of plaster back onto wall with copydex, after he chipped it moving chest of drawers.

Having said all of that, these are tiny compared to my bad habits, (too embarrassing to list here) and I love him to the moon and back .

Many of the things people have mentioned already
Floordrobe
Where is this (right in front of you)
Half washing up or leaving things to 'soak' that in no way need soaking
And a favourite of mine, not putting things back where they came from even tho it's right in front of his face - I'd he'll get the salt out of the cupboard, use it and then put it back on the side UNDER the cupboard!

It's DRAWER, not DRAW!!!!!

He says I take longer than him to get ready which is probably true, but somehow it's always me standing by the door, coat on, keys in hand while he panics his way around the house, finding his pass, taking vitamins, checking windows, shuffling stuff from one bag to another, demanding to know where I have put his keys, etc.

That. Also, 10 minutes after we were supposed to leave, he discovers that he needs to shave and go to toilet. After we are hopelessly late for everything, decides to do the 'check!' from 'Friends'. 'So, do we have everything? Wallet - check. Phone - check. Kid's bag?' And so on. Kids in the meantime going nuts in the car where they have been sitting for half an hour.

Not once have we discovered that we have forgotten something during the 'check' exercise.

My DH is super tidy.

And is such a silent sleeper, I sometimes have to lean over and get really close and hold my breath to make sure he's still alive!

All of which makes me feel like I'm the problem and fall short of his high standards (he doesn't make me feel like that but I feel like it!). Believe me, be careful what you wish for.

Yes to most of these
When he can't find something, I refuse to help now. 20 years is too long in the tooth.
5 minutes later, lo and behold, he yells "oh I found it"
So I always say "ooh did you move something?" In a sarcastic tone. 😈
He hardly asks now 😂😂😂

Won't wash clothes 'cause I've only worn it once'. They are still in a pile until a month later when I wash them.
Putting dirty crockery in sink when I've repeatedly told him to leave them by the sink not in it.
Leaves footwear wherever he takes it off rather than the designated area.
Never rinses hairs out of sink after shaving.
The. Most. Infuriating. One.... Starts a new deodorant when there is a miniscule bit left and doesn't throw aerosol away. Grrrrrrrr.

• never finishing anything and never throwing the nearly empty things away (e.g. toothpaste, shaving foam, juice, butter etc etc)

• leaving whiskers in the sink after a shave

• not putting a new toilet roll on the holder (and not throwing the empty/ nearly empty one away)

I could go on, but I couldn't be without him!