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Original poster

To tell my husband

203 replies

Mousedl1 · 02/07/2016 17:46

So BIL (DHs sisters other half) come over today and caught me on my own and said he desperately needed to see me on my own.
I made my excuses and went to his house where I meet him. He promptly burst into tears and sobbing. He has messed up big time and got loads of payday loans, porned his jewellery and loan sharks to the tune of over £4.5k. Him and SIL credit has taken a battery and they can't get out of it, he isn't sleeping and they are arguing as they can't see a way out as they can't get one loan to pay it off and may lose house. SIL doesn't know he has come to me as she is very proud and he asked me to countersign a loan (39.4%apr). I said no but will get cash from my credit card at interest free and he pays handling charge of £360 in total. He can afford £100.00 a week repayments. I am happy to help and wouldn't want them to lose house but he begged me not to tell DH.
Should I tell DH when SIL won't know and break his trust

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 03/07/2016 18:14

I'm pleased you've told your DH.

You can help them, but you do that by supporting them emotionally and getting them to see professionals wh can sort this mess out.

You will COMPOUND the problem lending them money. You really will. Get them the help they need, push them to talk to professionals.

bombayflambe · 03/07/2016 18:14

I'm going to go against the masses here and say that provided you and your husband can afford to give this money (and pay back your credit card without accruing interest, then do it. If your sister is taking over the finances and everything is out in the open then you can make the decision on that basis. However, presume that it is a gift: you don't have to tell them that but don't expect the money back, and only give it if your relationship can survive how you will feel when that happens.

Houseconfusion · 03/07/2016 18:25

Nobody can ask you to keep a secret from your own husband/wife. HOW DARE HE. And about getting you into debt? You will get into debt without your poor DH knowledge? Because he asked you to?

Can you for one friggin moment sit and think of what you are about to do?

Houseconfusion · 03/07/2016 18:27

Me your husband is happy for YOU to take out this loan for HIS sister and spouse?

Brilliant.

a1poshpaws · 03/07/2016 19:00

Tough love time. Just DON'T get financially involved or you'll be down the pawn shop too when the payments stop coming in to you - and believe it, that IS what will happen if you go ahead. I just pray you haven't already.

Excited101 · 03/07/2016 19:25

This won't help them OP, it ay look like the answer to all their problems but it isn't. It's like buying a hoarder a bin.

dansmum · 03/07/2016 19:26

He needs to tell his partner and they need to find a solution together..this might be bankrupcy, it might be an finance arrangement. They both need to do this together and you and your dh can support them emotionally.
I speak from experience.

emmyhNL · 03/07/2016 19:33

I'd love an update from the OP here.

How did the SIL react? What is the real debt amount?

I'd never lend without it being open to everyone

exaltedwombat · 03/07/2016 19:37

Just be aware that any money you give him won't be repaid.

cakesonatrain · 03/07/2016 20:00

Fuck. That.

I could actually get that much cash out of
my bank account tomorrow and I wouldn't lend it to my own brother to pay off his debts. Certainly not on the credit card, and certainly not the in laws.

You will absolutely not get it back, and it will cause trouble with the family for years, even if by some miracle they do pay you your hundred quid a week.

RepentAtLeisure · 03/07/2016 20:13

Just make sure you can afford to lose the money before handing it over.

19lottie82 · 03/07/2016 20:47

OP, if you have to withdraw the £ on a credit card, then you can't afford to lend it to him.

Please don't do it. Sad

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 03/07/2016 21:00

All sounds very shady. If you can only lend via credit card you can't afford to help. They need to sort this out themselves and do what people suggest above. This is not your problem if you don't have the money no matter how much you want to help, sad, but true. You sound kind, don't get yourself into hot water as if loan sharks are after him you'll never get it back.

WickedLazy · 03/07/2016 21:05

Another "do not lend him the money".

They need to sort this themselves, properly. Help them work out repayment schedules. Is the whole 4.5k to loan sharks?

RandomName9 · 03/07/2016 22:50

Haven't had a chance to read every reply & I don't want this to seem rude but if they own their own home, £4.5k is not a huge amount of money, why would the home be at risk over it?? Secondly, If he can afford £400 per month why can he not just pay that directly to his debtors through an agency?? Lastly I don't agree with not telling your husband, regardless of whether your money is separate, he isn't your brother so why would he come to you & ask you to lie??
And if his wife knew about the finances and was now in control, then surely they should have discussed between them who was going to help them & how.
You didn't mention how he got into debt, this would be a big factor in lending money.. if he gambles/drug addiction etc etc who's to say you will actually see the £100 a week??
Lots of alarm bells ringing for me im afraid.

lovemylife49 · 03/07/2016 23:25

Now that DH knows all about it, is there any chance he could bail his sister out instead? Or is he happy to let you incur the debt alone?

milliemolliemou · 03/07/2016 23:29

He says he can repay you £100 pw and from your subsequent post another friend £100 pw? So £800 or more pcm? And the £380 handling charge for you to take it out on your credit card?

Sounds as if this would be enough for Step Change to work with before you get involved at all.

SIL is proud so won't speak to her brother but you know she's in charge of her husband's finances now? how? have you spoken to her?

Like other PPs - just don't do this. And certainly not without talking to your DH who may very well have been approached before or now for the same reason.

Bogglespark · 03/07/2016 23:54

Please ask him to contact StepChange. they are free, non-judgemental and independent. They will help. He can either f
Go through the process online or call 0800 138 1111.

Good luck x

thetoothfairywhoforgot · 04/07/2016 02:00

I have a pal who did this for her cousin. She signed a loan agreement in her name on the condition the cousin would make the payments. She did for a few months then stopped.

My pal had to rent out her flat and move back in with her parents to cover the loan.

There are other ways you can help OP, and like others, I really think you have not had the full story.

kali110 · 04/07/2016 02:16

Goodluck to you op.
I'd work out though if you can actually afford to pay this debt off yourself.
If ( when) bil&sil stop paying the loan then you will be responsible for it.
Not them, you.
So think carefully if you can afford to take that hit.
One missed payment and that's your credit rating fucked and no more interest free.
If they could really afford that much a month then why can't they pay off their creditors?
i can't judge the house comment, it really depends on how much they're paying a month to say whether or not they're at risk of losing their house.
If they haven't paid their mortgage for several months and it's not a high one, then it's feasible.
I agree with posters though, i do think a lot more money is owed.

kali110 · 04/07/2016 02:18

I have also done what you're planning to do op.
they paid first few instalents then couldn't afford anymore.
I had to take the hit. Thankfully it was nowhere near what you are risking.

Mycraneisfixed · 04/07/2016 11:29

Don't get yourself into debt to get someone else out of debt. He shouldn't have asked you or involved you in any way. It's his and his wife's responsibility to sort themselves out. Stop playing at being Lady Bountiful.

Arfarfanarf · 04/07/2016 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tinydon · 04/07/2016 16:08

It is obvious that there is more to this than he admits. He wants you to join in his deceit and bail him out with cash. Do not become embroiled in his scheme in any way at all. Protect yourself and your marriage. Say no and don't promise him anything. Tell your DH the whole story, straight away.

louisagradgrind · 04/07/2016 16:18

I took out cash on a credit card to loan to my cousin, who had a tale of woe. We lived very tightly in order to pay it back as quickly as possible, which we did.

He never paid it back and when I mentioned it to my aunt, who already knew about it, she told me that he would give it to me when he had it! I was made to feel unreasonable for asking.

I never got it back and I was the bad one for asking for it.

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