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Original poster

To tell my husband

203 replies

Mousedl1 · 02/07/2016 17:46

So BIL (DHs sisters other half) come over today and caught me on my own and said he desperately needed to see me on my own.
I made my excuses and went to his house where I meet him. He promptly burst into tears and sobbing. He has messed up big time and got loads of payday loans, porned his jewellery and loan sharks to the tune of over £4.5k. Him and SIL credit has taken a battery and they can't get out of it, he isn't sleeping and they are arguing as they can't see a way out as they can't get one loan to pay it off and may lose house. SIL doesn't know he has come to me as she is very proud and he asked me to countersign a loan (39.4%apr). I said no but will get cash from my credit card at interest free and he pays handling charge of £360 in total. He can afford £100.00 a week repayments. I am happy to help and wouldn't want them to lose house but he begged me not to tell DH.
Should I tell DH when SIL won't know and break his trust

OP posts:
Whocansay · 02/07/2016 21:34

You do know that he's probably already asked your DH and he said no?

I would absolutely lose my shit with my DH if he lent this kind of sum of money without telling me. It's family money. That you don't actually have. Why cause problems in you own marriage for a man who clearly cannot be trusted? Did he give you any reason why you can't tell your DH or you SIL?

Don't do this. It will end badly.

Original poster
Mousedl1 · 02/07/2016 21:56

Sorry I didn't reply as was discussing with DH. He said he was happy to help as long as SIL knew and verified the amount and was the one I gave the money too as she is the one fixing the finances and sorting the huge pile of shit from her partner. So then I went round to speak to SIL and her partner and said I wasn't happy keeping secrets about that sort of money and can help but only if it's agreed and in the open

OP posts:
Fomalhaut · 02/07/2016 22:04

Do not do this.

even on an interest free credit card withdrawing cash is not interest free

Tell your dh.

mortgagefreesoon5 · 02/07/2016 22:21

Don't lend him any money.
I know your BIL is desperated, like I was in the past, and would try anything to cover the next hole but it it's only a short term solution.
The best way to help is putting him in contact with StepChange, they are amazing, free, non judgmental and they know their stuff. They helped me in the past, I owed thousands, now debt free and sleeping again (when my baby allows meGrin)
Honestly just by talking to them and putting all the cards on the table, he'll feel much better.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, it can be repaid
Also in MSE there is a forum for Debt very helpful and inspiring, your BIL and sister are not on their own.
I wouldn't keep it away from husband.

redshoeblueshoe · 02/07/2016 22:26

Good - that's a better option, but I still wouldn't lend it.

smilingeyes11 · 02/07/2016 22:47

are you going to get a lawyer to draw up a proper contract for this? And how much interest will your card be charging you. Putting yourself into debt for someone else is sheer lunacy. But you clearly don't want to listen to reason. Not one person here as told you that you should lend it to him - you are ignoring all advice.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/07/2016 22:56

I went round to speak to SIL and her partner and said I wasn't happy keeping secrets about that sort of money and can help but only if it's agreed and in the open

I seem to recall this chancer asked you on no account to mention his request for a loan to SIL - therefore what you said must have been a hell of a shock to her

Did she seem as shocked, upset and humiliated as you were led to believe she'd be?

Optimist1 · 02/07/2016 23:29

Glad to hear that both your spouses are in the know now, OP, but now that's out of the way I still have the feeling that it would actually be more valuable to your BIL to be given the excellent advice PPs have given re StepChange and MSE than to be bailed out. At the end of the day, you're putting yourself into debt to help him out - it's not entirely fair.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 03/07/2016 00:13

I know exactly how the debt happened and he has been very honest with me and showed me everything.

My dad looked through my debts before he paid them off, all he saw was food, petrol for work and the occasional bill. So he paid it off. The real problem was not visible on paper, no one knew until I told a few years later that I had been spending money on drugs. So, whatever you think you know, whatever evidence you have seen, you can't know for sure that you know the truth.

bakeoffcake · 03/07/2016 00:18

Good luck OP, you're going to need it!

VimFuego101 · 03/07/2016 00:23

Don't do it, OP. Get him to look at the advice on MoneySavingExpert on their debt advice board, draw up a statement of affairs showing all his debts/ outgoings, and call Step Change. He is not telling you the whole truth about what he owes, you don't lose your house over 4K.

What happens if he doesn't pay you back? Can you afford the repayments? A signed agreement proves he owes the debt, sure, but even if you take him to court you can't get blood out of a stone. If you're in the queue with a load of other creditors, he may end up paying you back a pound a week. What happens if you want to remortgage or get a loan/ credit card for yourself?

milkywimpshake · 03/07/2016 01:05

Yes OP was going to say the same as VimFuego. Having a proper contract is only a tiny part of the battle - if BIL has no money to repay you, you get no money. If (when) he eventually goes bankrupt you will just rank alongside his other unsecured creditors who will also most likely recover nothing, or at best pennies in the pound.

Two4601 · 03/07/2016 07:11

Don't do it. I work in debt collection and you can bet your bottom dollar he can't afford £100 per week. If he could he would be paying it to his creditors. It's not uncommon for people to offer wildly optimistic repayment plans that they don't have the means to pay. Also it's not uncommon for people to have a lot of non essential outgoings when they should be using that money for other things. Why should you bail him out if he is using any money he has on non essentials (he will be if he has £100 per week to spare).

HmmHaa · 03/07/2016 08:37

I agree with Two4601 - he won't be able to repay this.

As part of s counselling team, I worked with people in debt - small debt and huge debt. The impact it has on mental health is awful, so I really feel for BiL and SiL.

HOWEVER. This quick, desperate bail out from someone is never the solution. He will promise you to pay back £100 a week (and he is prob so desperate and grateful that he really means and believes this).

It won't happen because:

  • he will have overestimated what he can pay
  • you will stop being the priority (no interest, no threats, no bailiffs)
  • the reason he got into debt has not been addressed. It needs to be a brave and difficult process of facing up, taking ownership and sorting this out himself. I can't stress this enough.

You helping him, even if he pays it all as promised (and he won't, because he can't), will not boost his self esteem or self belief, which is what he needs to take control of his own life and finances. If he needs to lose the house, then that's what has to happen. He needs to find a cheaper, smaller house etc. It sounds cruel of me, but I have seen it happen every way, and the success stories 5 years later are those who stop panicking and turned around the look at the problem straight in the face. It takes away the fear.

You CAN support him by being a practical help. Open the letters for him, sort into priorities, ring the helplines, negotiate with creditors. Let credit cards go to debt collection agencies - the interest isn't as much. Work out what he can actually afford (and budget weekly for EVERYTHING - including things that he says he can do without if you think he can't).

He will have lost all perspective and even opening his post, or making a really simple phonecall to the bank will be very difficult for him. You can be a real, genuine support here. He will start to feel relief that, even though it's tough, the 'chase' has ended.

Phone the police about the loan sharks.

Good luck - and watch your own marriage and mental health first. Xxx

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/07/2016 10:30

you can bet your bottom dollar he can't afford £100 per week. If he could he would be paying it to his creditors

^^ This

whois · 03/07/2016 10:31

Do not do this!!!! Especially without your DHs knowledge.

inlectorecumbit · 03/07/2016 10:35

A fool and their money is soon parted

It is a lovely thing that you want to do OP to help relatives and l am pleased that you have discussed this with your DH however this has disaster written all over it.
What happens when a big bill pops up, or a special event or they feel they so need a holiday to get away from all the stress. You will be the last to receive money but hey it doesn't matter you are only family -you wont mind skipping a month-or two-or three etc

Neither a lender or a borrow be for either was you will loose a friend

WellThatWentWell · 03/07/2016 12:15

What is the point of this thread ?
17 pages of people saying don't do it and OP going to do it Confused

Optimist1 · 03/07/2016 15:04

In fairness, her question wasn't "should I borrow this money to bail out BIL?" but "should I tell me husband?". Although we were pretty unanimous in saying no to the unasked question, OP has told her DH about the situation.

rollonthesummer · 03/07/2016 15:06

Yes-tell your husband.
No-don't lend him any money!!

Craigie · 03/07/2016 17:34

Worst idea ever. Go with him to Citizens Advice (or other such debt counselling service) and MAKE HIM tell his wife.

RandomMess · 03/07/2016 17:53

If they go to the debt charities they will help sort out their creditors and they can pay off a reduced interest frozen consolidated debt at £100 per month for as long as it take...

singingnanny97 · 03/07/2016 17:54

If you are going to do it, you absolutely must discuss it with DH. Marriage is about honesty and helping eachother along the way. This situation is unfortunately causing stress on one marriage, it would be so sad if it caused stress in yours. Eventually DH will find out what's going on and he will be so heartbroken you kept this from him.

How would you feel if a close family member had been going to him for money, and he was lending it to them, and didn't tell you?! You'd lose any trust. It's too big a secret to keep in a marriage and just not worth the stress.

Best of luck with whatever you decide though Flowers

yorkshapudding · 03/07/2016 17:59

I'm glad you've told your respective partners and everything is out in the open but (and I mean this in the nicest way possible) I do think you'd be mad to lend them money. If they could afford repayments of £100 pw then why aren't they repaying that amount to their creditors on some kind of payment plan? If they're so incapable of managing their finances that their situation has become this desperate then a quick fix loan from relatives isn't going to change anything. They'll still be useless with money, but this time it will be your money they're being useless with. They need proper, expert advice from people who are trained to help those in debt.

Dani240 · 03/07/2016 17:59

This is coming from very bitter experience: absolutely do not lend money to debt-ridden family members. You're throwing good money after bad. It won't help (in the long term), he won't pay it back and you'll have to pay it off. It will ruin your relationship with him.

Don't lie to your DH about this, you BIL is making his problem into a problem for you - and he won't care about the repercussions when your DH finds out! Do not do not do it!

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