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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband

203 replies

Mousedl1 · 02/07/2016 17:46

So BIL (DHs sisters other half) come over today and caught me on my own and said he desperately needed to see me on my own.
I made my excuses and went to his house where I meet him. He promptly burst into tears and sobbing. He has messed up big time and got loads of payday loans, porned his jewellery and loan sharks to the tune of over £4.5k. Him and SIL credit has taken a battery and they can't get out of it, he isn't sleeping and they are arguing as they can't see a way out as they can't get one loan to pay it off and may lose house. SIL doesn't know he has come to me as she is very proud and he asked me to countersign a loan (39.4%apr). I said no but will get cash from my credit card at interest free and he pays handling charge of £360 in total. He can afford £100.00 a week repayments. I am happy to help and wouldn't want them to lose house but he begged me not to tell DH.
Should I tell DH when SIL won't know and break his trust

OP posts:
happypoobum · 02/07/2016 18:10

Do NOT do this.

Sparklesilverglitter · 02/07/2016 18:11

Yes you tell your DH. I wouldn't be very upset if DH went behind my back to lend £££ without telling me.

Your brother can ask/tell you not to tell his wife but he can not tell you not to tell your DH.

Personally I wouldn't lend it anyway, he almost certainly won't pay his in this mess because he can't manage money that won't change overnight. He needs a debt service and advice

AvonCallingBarksdale · 02/07/2016 18:11

You know that if you give him the money, you will never see it again, don't you.

mrsfuzzy · 02/07/2016 18:13

HAVE YOU GOT THE MESSAGE OP ? LOUD AND CLEAR ENOUGH ??? sorry for shouting ! tell dh , don't loan a penny to this chancer.

BeckyMcDonald · 02/07/2016 18:13

You do not have the money. If you had the money, you wouldn't be taking it out on a. Credit card, FFS.

Just don't do it. I suspect OPs are right and there is much, much more debt than he is letting on. 4.5k is not an amount that they'd be losing their home over.

DeathStare · 02/07/2016 18:14

Please tell your DH. This makes a difference to your family finances so he has a right to be involved in the decision making on this issue. If your SIL doesn't want him to know then I'm afraid that's tough luck - if they want help then they have to accept your DH knowing where his family's money is going.

I know other people are saying not to lend them the money - and I certainly don't think you've done anything wrong if you decide not to. But this is a very personal decision and all families are different. However this has to be a joint decision between you and your DH - not one that you make alone.

Also my GF always used to say "never afford to lend what you can't afford to not get back". I think that might be worth bearing in mind as they clearly have LOTS of debts and paying you back is likely to come somewhere down the priority list.

WizardOfToss · 02/07/2016 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsfuzzy · 02/07/2016 18:18

death wise man your gf. more people should adopt that idea.

Floggingmolly · 02/07/2016 18:20

What on earth made you think withdrawing cash on your credit card would be interest free?? You don't seem to have any greater grasp of how to manage your finances that he does.

twittwooery · 02/07/2016 18:20

I wouldn't do it, although I'd want to, depends on if you can just write it off but tell your DH you'd be putting yourself and him in 4.5k of debt is no small amount

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/07/2016 18:21

It's wholly wrong of him to expect you to not tell your husband. He obviously thinks you're a soft touch.

And apart from that, a million times no.

You'll never see the money again, it will cause horrendous stress and trust issues between you and your husband, and it's plain wrong.

No.

loobyloo1234 · 02/07/2016 18:22

Don't do it OP. I would say he may have some kind of addiction and needs help - not money. He will never pay you back, and you will be feeding this potential habit. Tell him to seek help elsewhere and also - tell your DH

JennyOnAPlate · 02/07/2016 18:24

No no no no no no no.

Do not give him any money unless you can afford to lose it. He will not pay you back.

Goingtobeawesome · 02/07/2016 18:24

Do not do it without talking to your husband. Don't kid yourself you'd be fine if he did it without telling you.

Original poster
Mousedl1 · 02/07/2016 18:24

I know exactly how the debt happened and he has been very honest with me and showed me everything. His wife knows about debt just not that it would be me bailing them out she thinks it would be his friend. She now has control of his finances and they have ear marked £100.00 a week to pay his friend back. I would make him sign an agreement and document every repayment with signatures as while I want to help I am not that silly. Me and DH finances are totally seperate so he has no idea of my credit card and I have none of his

OP posts:
Original poster
Mousedl1 · 02/07/2016 18:26

Flogginmolly the credit card is a 8% handling fee then interest free until Sept 2017 I know my own credit

OP posts:
ShortBreadEater · 02/07/2016 18:26

Why is he lying to his partner about where the loan comes from then? And why encourage you to lie to yours?

fuzzywuzzy · 02/07/2016 18:27

I wouldn't do it.

Discuss it with your DH first.

Can you afford to take the hit if they can't/won't repay you?

MrsSpecter · 02/07/2016 18:27

If he has £100 a week to pay you then he can pay his debts straight to the debt collectors.

witsender · 02/07/2016 18:27

You would be totally insane to do this. And it would be very wrong to impact family finances like this without discussing it with dh.

MiriAmmerman · 02/07/2016 18:27

Noooo! There's a reason he's asked you not to tell your DH - that's a massive red flag.
Don't give him any money without talking to your DH.
Better still, don't give him any money at all.
You can't sort this kind of mess out on a credit card.
I know you want to help your BIL and SIL but it sounds like they need expert help (CAB, Stepchange etc). They will also need to address the root cause of the debt (I agree with pp's that it sounds like some kind of addiction). You lending money that you can ill afford to lose won't help anybody in the long run.

loobyloo1234 · 02/07/2016 18:27

I know exactly how the debt happened and he has been very honest with me and showed me everything.

Honest? But yet he told you in private and doesn't want your DH to know? Hmm

GeekyWombat · 02/07/2016 18:28

If you had the money in a savings account then maybe. But borrowing it to bail them out seems terribly ill advised.

You're clearly a really kind person and want to help them but I'm not sure you getting into debt to help them is the way.

Either way, whatever you decide you should talk to your husband. Good luck :)

mumeeee · 02/07/2016 18:28

I agree with other posters do not give him any money and do tell your DH

ShortBreadEater · 02/07/2016 18:28

the credit card is a 8% handling fee then interest free until Sept 2017 I know my own credit

So how is he going to pay back 4.5k plus £360 at £100 a month before Sept 2017?

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