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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my husband

203 replies

Mousedl1 · 02/07/2016 17:46

So BIL (DHs sisters other half) come over today and caught me on my own and said he desperately needed to see me on my own.
I made my excuses and went to his house where I meet him. He promptly burst into tears and sobbing. He has messed up big time and got loads of payday loans, porned his jewellery and loan sharks to the tune of over £4.5k. Him and SIL credit has taken a battery and they can't get out of it, he isn't sleeping and they are arguing as they can't see a way out as they can't get one loan to pay it off and may lose house. SIL doesn't know he has come to me as she is very proud and he asked me to countersign a loan (39.4%apr). I said no but will get cash from my credit card at interest free and he pays handling charge of £360 in total. He can afford £100.00 a week repayments. I am happy to help and wouldn't want them to lose house but he begged me not to tell DH.
Should I tell DH when SIL won't know and break his trust

OP posts:
BG2015 · 02/07/2016 19:25

He needs to go over to Money Saving Expert and post on the debt boards. Loads of advice on there in helping with debt. Contact Stepchange ( a charity) who can sort out making nominal payments on your behalf towards the debtors.

Don't pay debt with more credit. They need to learn from this and not have people bail them out.

They need to learn to reduce their outgoings and manage their finances better.

FinderofNeedles · 02/07/2016 19:26

This can only end in tears.

You will end up almost certainly losing money (any money you lend BIL will be gone forever), possibly with a poor credit record; possibly even in debt yourself, and it will damage all the relationships involve: you and DH, you and BIL, you and SIL, DH and SIL, DH and BIL, BIL and SIL.

And BIL will be no better off afterwards, because he won't use your money to pay off any debts - not a penny.

If you genuinely want to help him, follow the advice above to support them both to access expert help - they have to take responsibility and get themselves out of this mess.

Esspee · 02/07/2016 19:26

Everyone is giving you the same advice OP. Are they wasting their time?

BG2015 · 02/07/2016 19:26

£4.5k is nothing compared to some of the debt I've seen people in.

Is this really the full amount?

WeirdAndPissedOff · 02/07/2016 19:28

OP, do you have siblings? If so, how would you feel if their OH approached yours for a loan, but insisted on him not telling you or your sibling?
I'm also another who believes that he will not pay you back. I'm sure he has the best of intentions but at some point he will struggle with those repayments.

I also second a pp who said that even of he does pay it back religiously, it's not possible to do it without you being charged interest.

Taking the terms you have given at face value - you will borrow £4.5k, plus an 8% handling fee of £360. He had to pay all of this back before Sept 17, or you will be charged interest - probably a very high amount calculated from the date of withdrawal. You realise that to pay it before Sept 17 that's a minimum of £324 per month?
Plus I would imagine the minimum payment on the card each month will be more than £100, so you will have to pay some yourself.

bittapitta · 02/07/2016 19:28

You sound as thick as him to be honest. What's the point in this thread OP?

WellErrr · 02/07/2016 19:30

Something just struck me. How do you know your DH hasn't helped to bail BIL out before? Perhaps that's why BIL is so reluctant for you to speak to your DH?

This is my thought too.

If you can afford to give him the money, do it.
You'll never see it again.

bloodyteenagers · 02/07/2016 19:32

A Cc that doesn't charge interest in cash withdrawals.. Which one is that then?

Youvegottobekidding · 02/07/2016 19:32

Cue next thread....

I lent my BIL £4.5k to clear debts & now I've lost it all....

This WILL be your next title thread, if you go ahead with this ludicrous idea. Money lending between family members causes huge fall outs - and that's when done in open honestly, never mind behind backs in secrecy.

Tootsieglitterballs · 02/07/2016 19:32

OP - I realise you didn't ask for advice on the loan itself, but if you should tell your DH.

Honestly, yes, tell him. I know it's your money, but I can't think of many people who would go and spend / lend / invest / whatever £4500 just like that without even mentioning it to you DH.

It's a huge trust thing - many relationships have ended because of secrets to do with money - this is a pretty big one.

P.s - please don't draw this money on your credit card - I know you have worked out the fees etc, but it's the worst way to get money. If you have to lend him the money, you would be better taking out a small loan to do this.

StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine · 02/07/2016 19:34

What makes you think he'll pay you back?

It's their mess. Don't get dragged down into it. Particularly if you don't even have the cash to spare, yourself.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 02/07/2016 19:35

Indeed. If you actually wanted to throw money away on this genuinely insane plan, you can borrow £4.5 K for a lot less than £400 a month with a decent credit rating.

ArmfulOfRoses · 02/07/2016 19:35

How on earth do you know that sil has taken over the finances and they've definitely got this £100 a week for repayments?
Because he told you?

witsender · 02/07/2016 19:35

Just fyi about interest free...this came through the post to me today from.Barclaycard. Tesco have an offer for 40 months too it would seem.

To tell my husband
Batteriesallgone · 02/07/2016 19:38

He's willing to lie to his partner and is encouraging you to lie to yours. Yet... You are about to trust him with your money?

Don't do it.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 02/07/2016 19:39

Not for cash, though, witsender. Cash on a CC is high interest because you'd need to be desperate, and it will screw up your credit rating for the same reason.

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 02/07/2016 19:39

Credit cards with 0% interest on cash withdrawals do exist.

MurphysChild · 02/07/2016 19:40

You are a fool if you do this.

BumWad · 02/07/2016 19:41

Don't do it

gamerchick · 02/07/2016 19:41

I got that letter as well. Then another one massively increasing my credit limit to freaky amounts. What's that all about then, the eu carry on?

BARB060609 · 02/07/2016 19:42

I know you question wasn't actually should you so this, but as others have said, PLEASE DON'T DO IT. You will regret it, you will be the one who ends up having sleepless nights over it, and if your husband finds out you will be the one getting into arguments whilst trying to prevent BIL having arguments etc. Please just tell him that you have thought it through and unfortunately you are not comfortable with doing this and keeping it a secret from your husband.

Bluetrews25 · 02/07/2016 19:45

Agree with the PPs who have suggested he may have already asked and had cash out of your DH.
Tell your DH he has asked.
You owe your DH honesty, if nothing else.

Chupachupslips · 02/07/2016 19:45

You are both willing to lie/withhold info to your partners.

How do you know your sister knows if she is very proud and won't speak about if)

LunaLoveg00d · 02/07/2016 19:45

Every single poster says "do not lend money" yet OP still thinks she knows best. Her agreement wouldn't be worth the paper it is written on. Lies and money are a very bad combination.

But as my mother would say, hell mend you.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 19:48

Flogginmolly the credit card is a 8% handling fee then interest free until Sept 2017 I know my own credit

This has been said before, but usually 0% interest cards are only 0% on purchases, they'll still usually be pretty high % on cash withdrawl even if you have an otherwise sweet credit card deal

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