Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband

203 replies

Mousedl1 · 02/07/2016 17:46

So BIL (DHs sisters other half) come over today and caught me on my own and said he desperately needed to see me on my own.
I made my excuses and went to his house where I meet him. He promptly burst into tears and sobbing. He has messed up big time and got loads of payday loans, porned his jewellery and loan sharks to the tune of over £4.5k. Him and SIL credit has taken a battery and they can't get out of it, he isn't sleeping and they are arguing as they can't see a way out as they can't get one loan to pay it off and may lose house. SIL doesn't know he has come to me as she is very proud and he asked me to countersign a loan (39.4%apr). I said no but will get cash from my credit card at interest free and he pays handling charge of £360 in total. He can afford £100.00 a week repayments. I am happy to help and wouldn't want them to lose house but he begged me not to tell DH.
Should I tell DH when SIL won't know and break his trust

OP posts:
NovemberInDailyFailLand · 02/07/2016 19:07

You'll ruin your marriage and your finances if you go ahead with this.

Your very next conversation should be with your husband.

43percentburnt · 02/07/2016 19:07

I really wouldn't lend him the money.

Withdrawing cash on a credit card can negatively impact your credit score, people who borrow cash (paying an 8% handling fee) on their credit card are usually doing it as they are pretty desperate. This will remain on your credit history for 3 years usually - mortgage lenders would not look upon it favourably (even with the explanation - in fact the explanation may lead a lender to believe you are financially assisting family thus reducing future lending).

The reason a high street lender won't lend him money is because He is a bad risk, commercially they don't see it as being viable. That's why he is going to loan sharks.

What were his debt repayments meant to be? If he can afford £400 a month and only owes £4500 why is he in arrears?

Why is his home at risk? From a lender or a loan shark?

I speak to people in depth about their finances and I doubt he is telling you the entire story.

If you are determined to help him out (I wouldn't) I suggest you get him to disclose everything to you in detail and then Say you want him to obtain his credit file (experienced and equifax) (and sil credit file although thAt will prove impossible as he cannot obtain on her behalf) and you look at it on line with him (so he can't hide pages - yep I have had people do this) to ensure he is telling the entire truth. If he was honest there will be NO anomalies. I would also recommend you obtain 6 months bank statements for all accounts showing on the credit file - gambling is rife at present and often people use a secret account.

Also if you are determined to assist, pay off the creditors - don't give him the cash/cheque and get a loan agreement written up.

You may find he doesn't want you to tell DH as SIL has confided in your DH what is really going on... I really would tell your DH and not lend any money.

228agreenend · 02/07/2016 19:08

Only give him the money if you can afford to loose it. I also think that you won't get it back. You'll get a few payments, and then there will be a reason why he won't be able to pay this month, the car needs fixing, a new washing machine, etc.

Also, getting the money on your credit card suggests to me that you can't afford it. I presume you will transfer it to an interest free balance transfer. How would you feel paying £100 for 45 weeks to pay off your brothers debt? Can your brother afford £400 month?

his money management sounds very poor. What has caused him to get these loans? Whats going to stop him making more bad financial decesions in the future?

AyeAmarok · 02/07/2016 19:09

Oh God.

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Don't do it. This has disaster written all over it.

If you do this you will RUIN your relationship with your DH, SIL (for being dishonest and bloody stupid) and BIL too when he doesn't pay you back.

43percentburnt · 02/07/2016 19:09

Experian (bloody auto correct).

228agreenend · 02/07/2016 19:10

And defiantly tell dh!

Floggingmolly · 02/07/2016 19:11

A loan shark loan may not be legally enforcable; but they don't tend to look too favourably on welchers, do they? The advice to just don't pay could get him broken kneecaps depending on just how disreputable the "shark" is.
And he sounds dim enough to have gone with one of the real lowlifes.

crazybat · 02/07/2016 19:11

Step change debt charity this is what will really help them other than oweing a debt to you which officially they would be passing. DO NOT do it op good luck

NotYoda · 02/07/2016 19:11

No way

How dare he ask you to keep a secret from your DH?

He is not to be trusted

Mattscap · 02/07/2016 19:13

Judge Rinder looms. You're going to do it, and you will regret it.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 02/07/2016 19:13

I'm also really curious as to why he'd approach you, in particular. He's not your or your husband's blood relative, he's married (or not?) to your husband's sister. It seems odd.

icanteven · 02/07/2016 19:14

No No No NO.

Spending/gambling is as addictive as drinking or taking drugs. The SECOND that cash is in his hand, he will lose it in EXACTLY the same way he has lost the rest. He is physically incapable of treating that money responsibly, and will come up with some clever way to use it to solve more of his problems, but in a way that will make things even worse.

He will NOT tell his wife that you lent him the money. He wants you to NOT tell your husband because either a) your husband knows perfectly bloody well not to give him money or b) he already HAS given him 4.5k.

There is not a SINGLE PERSON on this thread who thinks that what you are doing is in any way, shape or form wise or sensible. You are definitely NOT helping your BIL's situation - you are making it even worse, by miring him even further in debt and lies.

Read that again: you will make his situation WORSE by giving him this money.

And obviously, you should not be lying to your husband about money like this, separate finances or not. How would you feel if your sister's husband had a drug addiction, and your husband was secretly financing it to the tune of thousands of pounds behind your back? Your BIL's spending is an addiction, if it has got him into this trouble, and seriously - please believe me when I tell you that I know what I'm talking about.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 02/07/2016 19:14

Don't let his shit become your shit. It will splatter all over your family and destroy their trust in you.

Where do you think he will be when your sister and husband hate you? A long way away, with your cash long been spent.

Leaving you ass end in debt with nobody.

Come on, you must know this is the wrong decision, surely.

He knows he's being a skank, that's why he said don't tell your husband.

NotYoda · 02/07/2016 19:14

and you are naive if you think that this is purely financial

You can bet your DH would not see it this way. He would see this as a secret, an intimacy between you and your BIL against him and his sister

hollyisalovelyname · 02/07/2016 19:14

OP you came on here asking for advice.
Everybody said DON'T DO IT.
You then appeared to ignore the advice and was reasoning why you should lend the money.
Why bother asking for advice when you totally ignore it.

YesYABU · 02/07/2016 19:15

I wouldn't have issue with lending writing off the money. I'd take the hit for family.

My issue would be that I would want it made damn clear to SIL that it was me lending the money and not some random friend- if they're going to piss around and not repay I would want her to understand exactly who they're failing to repay.

I'd also tell my DH. Not that it would stop me lending, but I would tell him as I'd go mental if he did this without telling me.

AyeAmarok · 02/07/2016 19:15

Actually, if I was your DH or SIL, I'd wonder why you were so desperate to be the one who, like a knight in shining armour, rides in to the rescue of your BIL, and is willing to sacrifice the integrity of your own relationship for it by being dishonest... Do you have feelings for your BIL?

Seriously, do not do this.

Oakmaiden · 02/07/2016 19:17

Just to be a different voice, I would probably lend him the money if ?I could afford it. I would not take it out on a credit card, but I might get a proper loan if I was confident I would be able to meet the repayments even if my bil didn't pay up.

But there is no way I would agree to not telling my husband. Because I would worry that in a worse case scenario I would be putting my own family £4.5K in debt, and that is a significant amount. I wouldn't spend that much without discussing it, and I wouldn't lend it either. Of course, if your finances are separate enough that you wouldn't discuss a purchase of that magnitude with your OH then I guess that is different.

gamerchick · 02/07/2016 19:18

Yeah I have to admit my first thought was he's already hit your husband for money and begged him not to tell you.

You seem very cock sure of yourself though so please crack on. There's only one way to learn sometimes.

WellThatWentWell · 02/07/2016 19:18

Of course you should lend him the money , he is your brother in law after all

Why not trust a man who has run up a massive debt , asked to meet you on your own and has asked you not to tell your husband sigh

Jesus wept woman .........

EarthboundMisfit · 02/07/2016 19:20

Do not do this unless you have double checked your credit card T&Cs, can absolutely afford not to be repaid a penny, and are OK with whatever fallout would be caused by (1) him not being able to repay and (b) his wife finding out, which she well may...he might tell her in an argument etc. And 100% do not do it without telling your DH.

In fact, if he's willing to lie to his wife about where the cash comes from, he may be lying to her or to you re the cause and extent of this too.

AyeAmarok · 02/07/2016 19:21

There's only one way to learn sometimes.

Ain't that the truth.

cupofrooibos · 02/07/2016 19:24

Stay well, WELL away. Your BIL has put you in an incredibly difficult position. If I were you, my next move would be to tell your husband everything. This isn't a secret you can or should keep.

AnyFucker · 02/07/2016 19:25

You simply can't help some people.

tigerdick · 02/07/2016 19:25

To everyone saying you can't take cash off a credit card: MBNA will do a money transfer to your bank account and you pay it bank same as a balance transfer.

To the OP: I understand why you're doing this. I would probably do the same for someone I cared about. Red flags for me are:

  1. It's 4.5k? Who loses their house over 4.5k? How can you be 100% certain he is telling the truth regarding how much the damage really is? There is no point in helping him if you don't have the full picture. I would ask him for fresh credit reports for both him and your SIL.
  2. The secrecy. How would you feel if your DH did this for a relative of yours behind your pack? Why put yourself in that position when you're the one doing your BIL the favour?

You are in control here, not your BIL. If he wants help he accepts it on your conditions or not at all.