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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell my husband

203 replies

Mousedl1 · 02/07/2016 17:46

So BIL (DHs sisters other half) come over today and caught me on my own and said he desperately needed to see me on my own.
I made my excuses and went to his house where I meet him. He promptly burst into tears and sobbing. He has messed up big time and got loads of payday loans, porned his jewellery and loan sharks to the tune of over £4.5k. Him and SIL credit has taken a battery and they can't get out of it, he isn't sleeping and they are arguing as they can't see a way out as they can't get one loan to pay it off and may lose house. SIL doesn't know he has come to me as she is very proud and he asked me to countersign a loan (39.4%apr). I said no but will get cash from my credit card at interest free and he pays handling charge of £360 in total. He can afford £100.00 a week repayments. I am happy to help and wouldn't want them to lose house but he begged me not to tell DH.
Should I tell DH when SIL won't know and break his trust

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 02/07/2016 19:49

For all you know OP, your OH has also been approached on his own and is also lending them money without telling you

If he's resorted to loan sharks, he's desperate enough to ask everyone whilst telling each person that they're the only person he trusts & please don't tell anyone else

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/07/2016 19:52

That is a very good point Adulting.

It is very possible that the only person who doesn't know is the SIL.

witsender · 02/07/2016 19:54

A money transfer is cash November. You transfer cash to your account and withdraw it. Read the print.

witsender · 02/07/2016 19:55

Definitely zero per cent on money transfers (not balance transfers) exist.

I still wouldn't do it though.

witsender · 02/07/2016 19:58

Tescos:

To tell my husband
YeOldMa · 02/07/2016 19:59

By all means lend the money if you really want to BUT after you have told your OH. Secrets really aren't the best way to conduct a marriage on your side or your SIL's side but you are only responsible for your marriage.

Quite honestly, if I found out that my husband had lent a huge amount of money to another woman, without telling me or her husband, in such precarious circumstances, I'd be wondering what the relationship was between the two of them. Apart from anything else, I suspect your DH would want the chance to help his own sister if he hasn't already and may have ideas of his own.

Petal40 · 02/07/2016 20:01

I think he could be my friends husband....they are in the exact same situation.....only he is doing the same thing to all the relatives ....don't keep this from yr husband...and only give the money if you are prepared to never see it again

poorbuthappy · 02/07/2016 20:09

Yes you can transfer the money into your account for a fee and then it's interest free dor a certain time depending on offer.

Lloyds barclaycard and Halifax are currently doing this deal.

LunaLoveg00d · 02/07/2016 20:10

It really doesn't matter which companies are doing the deals, the interest rates and the way the cash advance works.

The OP should not be lending money under any circumstances to this person.

poorbuthappy · 02/07/2016 20:13

Yes it does actually because people are saying the OP knows nothing because she can't possibly get that deal from a credit card.
Ummm yes she can.
But of course that doesn't change the fact that she should turn on her heel and not get involved.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 02/07/2016 20:23

There's no way you'd be in danger of losing your house if your total debt was £4.5k and you were capable of repaying £100 towards it.

He's lying to you and you'd be an absolute fool to do this. And if my husband did this without telling me I would seriously reconsider our future together.

Comeonmommy · 02/07/2016 20:24

OP hasn't asked if she should lend the money, they have asked about telling dh/sil. Op, you sound pretty savvy and like you have your head screwed on right so why not help out. You have got a good deal on cc, paperwork to back you up - you aren't going into this lightly. I would however tell dh. You say you have separate finances so you don't have to explain yourself but this is a generous offer you are making and you don't want it to seem like a secret if it ever got out.

Shallishanti · 02/07/2016 20:28

I see OP hasn't responded for a while But I will repeat what was said early on
tell him to go to CAB or Stepchange, even make the appointment for him, but on no account give him the money
people don't get into 'the house is at risk' debt without there being some other serious issues

Hereforthebeer · 02/07/2016 20:32

You can't have a secret from DH. Its unreasonable of him to ask you to. Discuss it with DH and if you both agree to help great. If not don't do it.

spottedwoodpecker · 02/07/2016 20:33

Agree with everyone else ... dont give him the money, you are not helping him by getting them further into debt. Your loyalty is to your husband, I imagine he would be very upset not to be told. Agree he will not pay you back, despite his promises.

GabsAlot · 02/07/2016 20:39

its her money yes but his brother!

how can she not tell him

GabsAlot · 02/07/2016 20:39

sorry his sister

paddlenorapaddle · 02/07/2016 20:54

Id put money on her DH already bailing them out and she doesn't know about it

Tell your DH bil approached you but they need real help if you give them money it would be like buying an alcoholic a bottle of booze !!

OnionKnight · 02/07/2016 20:54

Do not do this, you will not get the money back.

OfficiallyUnofficial · 02/07/2016 20:57

Well I'm going to answer the actual question.

It's your choice if you give him the money but yes tell your DH. It's his family not yours and could affect the trust in your relationship.

Then hopefully your DH can tell you it's a batshit crazy thing to do.

HicDraconis · 02/07/2016 20:59

Sorry, this doesn't add up.

He can afford £100 a week in repayments - or £400 a month? In eleven months he can have paid off nearly all the capital. Either they owe way more than £4.5k, or he's already asked your DH for money, or if you give it to him it won't go on debt repayments (gambling?) - it's not logical at all and certainly not something I'd be keen to jump in and help out with. If they've really got that much spare a week they should be in a position to clear debts if managed properly.

Your BiL & SiL should find themselves a reputable debt management agency who can help them work out budgeting, repayment schedules and negotiate interest freezes or reductions with their creditors. Taking on more debt to get out of debt rarely works which is why there's such a big market in consolidation loans.

londonrach · 02/07/2016 21:03

Please op say no but direct bil towards help mentioned already. Do think you need to tell dh he asked in case he already asked dh....

SabineUndine · 02/07/2016 21:09

Second time today I've suggested this. Get him to go to a credit union - info here: www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/credit-unions They can give loans at a much lower rate than a bank or credit card, and they are sympathetic to people on low incomes.

I would suspect that your BIL has more debt than he's admitting to and that he is not be honest with anyone, least of all the people he's asking for money. I'll add my voice to those of the people saying 'don't touch it'. Don't. He'll be back for more money if you do. He must sort it out himself, and do it honestly and legally.

Sheezus · 02/07/2016 21:12

Echo don't do it.
He probably already has his 'friend' signed up. To the same deal as you.
£100 to pay debts. But neither of you will see it.
You are not going to loan him.
You will be left with a debt.

228agreenend · 02/07/2016 21:24

Wondering op or bil meant £100 per month, not week, in which case it would take 45 months to pay off. Ie. 4 years, so way past the September 2017 deadline. As others have said, £400 per month is doable, and he should need to borrow the money. £100 per month will not be repaid in full.

If you genuinely think,your bil,will loose his house, then gift him the money if you can afford it (and tell dh). Don't loan it.