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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thrown out of parenting FB group. WIBU?

294 replies

FuckingVipers · 30/06/2016 08:09

I attend a local baby activity with DD (think nursery rhymes and bouncing) and in an attempt to make some friends with babies the same age I joined the Facebook group some of them had set up. It all seemed fairly innocuous for a few weeks but now I've been shunned.

Yesterday one of the people from the group posted. She said her 12 week old DS had seemed a bit hungry so she'd given him a few spoonfuls of tinned tomatoes with pesto. Since then he'd been unsettled so basically she'd decided to fully wean him and wanted everyone's opinion.

I tried so hard not to hoik up my judgey pants but I couldn't help it. I calmly commented telling her why it was a bad idea and you know, tinned tomatoes and pesto aren't so good. I was calm.

Then the backlash! "Omg hun u know ur own baby! U know what's best!"

Everyone attacked me for not being supportive. It got pretty nasty. Not one person agreed with me and by the end the consensus was that every baby should pretty much be weaned before birth and possibly before conception if you think it's best.

I got thrown out of the group and sent a message telling me I shouldn't go back to the group. They're not the organisers, just people who attend. The group is this afternoon and I don't know if I should go.

WIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
CodewordRochambeau · 30/06/2016 08:50

Pesto is really salty because of all the parmesan. Poor kid.

Penfold007 · 30/06/2016 08:51

When people seek 'opinions' nine times out of ten they just want you to agree with them not offer an actual opinion.
Personally I would block and move on. Tinned tomatoes and pesto should make for an interesting nappy event!

peggyundercrackers · 30/06/2016 08:52

12weeks is a little early to start feeding but not everyone waits for 6 months, in fact most of the eu or the USA don't wait 6 months. The 6 months thing is just a recommendation and not everyone agrees it is best to wait that long as per www.bmj.com/content/342/bmj.c5955

I don't think you should be expressing an opinion on what other people do with their children when it comes to things like feeding, rightly or wrongly you will come across as patronising no matter what you say.

MrsFancyFanjango · 30/06/2016 08:53

I would report them to the group organisers if that was possible. Not the tomato and pesto obviously but the fact they are telling people to stay away from the group. I'm sure they wont be too pleased that some members are warning off other people from attending.

BillSykesDog · 30/06/2016 08:54

I think delivery is everything. Asking for opinions is one thing, getting a public kicking for being a bad parent is quite another. You admit you judged her, plus you seem to have a really superior attitude to these mothers and look down on them anyway. Given the extremity of their reaction (and your own admitted judgement) I suspect that your response wasn't helpful supportive advice on how she could wean more effectively but a personal critical judgement. Bearing that in mind I think it's best you find another group. You don't seem to like any of the mother's anyway and certainly seem to view them as inferior, and they will have picked up on that.

It's also worth remembering that FB groups of people who are identifiable and you have to see IRL are not the same as faceless anonymous places like AIBU and you really need to modify your behaviour as though you were speaking to someone face to face.

But in all honesty, given your sneery attitude towards these mother's I don't know why you'd want to go or why you'd expect them to welcome you either.

LouBlue1507 · 30/06/2016 08:54

It all depends on how you worded your opinion... Could you copy and paste or let us know what you said?

MaisieDotes · 30/06/2016 08:59

I wouldn't want to be in a group with people like that.

Not the fact they're early weaners. I mean the way they've treated you.

Although I do try not to say anything to anyone about either feeding or sleeping as they are both such emotive topics. If I'm asked outright I give a vague, every child is different -type response.

AGruffaloCrumble · 30/06/2016 08:59

No, 12 weeks is just ridiculous. There's nothing anyone could say to justify that. If you have to wean early every medical professional will tell you to wait until 17 weeks.

It will do him NO harm whatsoever to have solids at that age and the advice these days is to wean VERY late compared to compared to when we, our parents and our grandparents were all born and I can't see that it's had any catastrophic effect on the rest of us.
Never mind food intolerance and allergies. Science has moved on since then. We also use carseats now instead of strapping the bassinet into the backseat, but if they did it back then and some of us were fine, it must be safe.

OP, YANBU but take this as a lesson that this always comes along with weaning. People want to rush through stages with their kids so they will tell themselves whatever to do so.

AnnaMarlowe · 30/06/2016 09:01

I'd rock up to the group personally. Breezy and normal. Have a quick word with the organisers to let them know the score.

I would imagine that you'll soon have at least a few other Mums quietly telling you that they agreed with you.

You may have to ride out some mean group stares though - but it will be entertaining!

PiSeas · 30/06/2016 09:02

What bill said...
You admitted trying not to judge. You obviously didn't come across that way. It could have been a misread tone or your actual words.

BillSykesDog · 30/06/2016 09:05

Flippin' state of my apostrophes. I blame autocorrect.

Unthoughtknown · 30/06/2016 09:08

What exactly did you say? I do agree with you but I probably would have said something like 'hey hun, maybe have a chat with your health visitor first as I've heard that weaning at 12 weeks may increase allergy risk...and maybe start with baby rice instead blah blah blah' it's really all in how you deliver it

WeekendAway · 30/06/2016 09:09

Actually Gruffalo I think there is evidence to show that there are ore allergies and intolerances than ever before so I would argue that late weaning is probably doing bugger all to reduce the chances of a person ening up with allergies.

Using the car seat v. bassinet analogy is not really a good comparison because because neither method would be a problem unless you actually had a serious accident.

Theimpossiblegirl · 30/06/2016 09:13

I would find another group. Have a look on your MN local page and see if there's anything there.

These women may make it unpleasant for you, so best avoided.

MrsKoala · 30/06/2016 09:13

If it were me i would force myself to go to the group now. If you don't you will be the subject of bitching and exaggeration. I am assuming people go there who didn't see your comments. I would go, be breezy and polite and even smile brightly at the bastards and do a little wave. Then after a few weeks if i still felt uncomfortable i wouldn't go back. But i think by not going you look like you have slunk away and give them an opportunity to spin everything the way they want.

I may even approach them to talk about 'how silly it all was' and be as friendly and blase as i could.

toomuchtooold · 30/06/2016 09:13

Oh, I remember vividly the exorcist-style puking of my DD2 at 12 months when I tried her on tomatoes for the first time. She's fine now, she's 4, she loves them. Tomatoes are a fucking terrible food to try a baby on for the first time.

Anyway, the woman said she wanted an opinion but actually she just wanted some validation of her crazy move to wean a 12 week old. Who knew, eh?

I would swerve the group. Babies don't care about socialising, the main advantage is for yourself, to get some adult convo - if they're all going to be arsey with you, what's the point?

VioletBam · 30/06/2016 09:13

You don't want to socialise with people like that anyway OP. Fuck em!

ChipStix · 30/06/2016 09:15

They sound like tedious idiots. Try to find another baby group.

Babies were weaned on all sorts of of odd things at 12 months and still are across the world - but you should be able to say what you think without being ostracised.

They are idiots.

fassone · 30/06/2016 09:17

I learned quickly that many parents take differing opinions as a slight.
That will continue by the way, through choices about whether to WOH or SAH, use a minder or a nursery, which school kids attend, what activities, if any, they do, what clothes and shoes you want to dress them in.
People can be really weird if you choose differently to them.

witsender · 30/06/2016 09:17

If your baby is that young I doubt she enjoys the socialising as an active choice tbh. And whilst you were right (guidelines change in line with the latest research, not just for shits and giggles...we know more than we did 30yrs ago!) it all depends how you said it. It is easy to sound patronising.

HooseRice · 30/06/2016 09:21

HV told the story of s client who whizzed up a Scotch pie for their young baby's first solids. Tomato and pesto seems quite sensible in comparison.

DollyBarton · 30/06/2016 09:25

I'm in a Facebook group of mum strangers for the last 3 yrs (we are no longer strangers!) and we help each other and chat daily. It would have been totally appropriate and fine to suggest tomatoes and pesto were maybe not a good idea for a 12 wk old should someone have been misguided enough to give that. We are all supportive and respectful of each other but being supportive is not just about agreeing on everything!

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/06/2016 09:26

We were told that you should absolutely not give solids before 17 weeks as the gut is still 'leaky' before that, meaning that potential allergens might pass into the bloodstream directly and have more chance of triggering the immune system, thus increasing the risk of an allergic response down the line.

I'll do some PubMed searches later but that does sound legit to me.

Hockeydude · 30/06/2016 09:27

Agree don't go to the group (in person or online). Cut these idiots out of your life. Don't worry so much about your dd socialising - my kids are fine and they didn't do any socialising specifically with similarly aged kids until they were 3 in the school nursery. Both are kind and decent and get on with others.

DollyBarton · 30/06/2016 09:28

On the same vein, there was a story at home about two young mums who got in serious trouble for their inspired idea of bringing a mini blender everywhere with their 3-4mth old babies so they could whizz up whatever they were eating. I think the many McDonald's were what caused social services to be called but God love the girls. Just totally misguided.