Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Thrown out of parenting FB group. WIBU?

294 replies

FuckingVipers · 30/06/2016 08:09

I attend a local baby activity with DD (think nursery rhymes and bouncing) and in an attempt to make some friends with babies the same age I joined the Facebook group some of them had set up. It all seemed fairly innocuous for a few weeks but now I've been shunned.

Yesterday one of the people from the group posted. She said her 12 week old DS had seemed a bit hungry so she'd given him a few spoonfuls of tinned tomatoes with pesto. Since then he'd been unsettled so basically she'd decided to fully wean him and wanted everyone's opinion.

I tried so hard not to hoik up my judgey pants but I couldn't help it. I calmly commented telling her why it was a bad idea and you know, tinned tomatoes and pesto aren't so good. I was calm.

Then the backlash! "Omg hun u know ur own baby! U know what's best!"

Everyone attacked me for not being supportive. It got pretty nasty. Not one person agreed with me and by the end the consensus was that every baby should pretty much be weaned before birth and possibly before conception if you think it's best.

I got thrown out of the group and sent a message telling me I shouldn't go back to the group. They're not the organisers, just people who attend. The group is this afternoon and I don't know if I should go.

WIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
FellOutOfBed2wice · 01/07/2016 21:19

Another one who can't be dealing with the Huns. I'd consider it a blessing in disguise and not go back.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 01/07/2016 21:27

I would never have judged but you may have come across rude. I completely understand the weirdness of the situation feeding a baby at 12 weeks is wrong no health professional would would advise that. Some people just don't know how to parent or how to read what stages their baby should be at. No one knows how to parent but there are some basic rules to follow. I would have kept my mouth shut and look for another group they are not on you're level.

MissSeventies · 01/07/2016 21:51

It may be her baby, but she is an idiot and you were right to tell her so. This was not a bf/ ff debate, pesto and tomatoes at 12 weeks is wrong, potentially dangerous and goes against all advice. TBH you were doing her a favour putting her right. I would go back and hold your head high as they are not only idiots but very childish in telling you that you should not come back to the class.

yougotitdude · 01/07/2016 21:52

You know YANBU OP but honestly in situations like this- it is best to just keep your mouth shut and be supportive if anything happens. I know it isn't nice and people ask for advice for peoples opinions- but there is no reasoning with some people sometimes and sometimes people ask to confirm what they believe and do what they want to do anyway. We all do it.

Consider it a lesson learnt, find another group and next time just smile and nod.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 01/07/2016 22:05

Yep! Find another group - google is a good starting point.

The organisers probably don't have any 'standing' in the FB group. Probably a group set up by parents who go? You were correct. You along with others were asked to offer an opinion, you gave your bit, it wasn't well received and then ousted. Personally I'd be thinking 'good riddance to them'!

If people are not going to like an opinion that goes against what they WANT to hear, shouldn't be asking for opinions in the first place!

I am not going to say FB parenting groups are a bad thing. I have had my fair share of dramas and disagreements to the extent that 3 of them I left of my own accord due to cliquey-ness, snobbery, sarcasm which would often make you feel dumb and stupid, ignored and down-right nastiness! I am so pleased I left those groups but I am still part of one group, mainly US parents but some UK and Australians, and not too big either as about 120 members.

Your daughter is only 4 months and wouldn't give a toss if you did or didn't go to the class in which you have been so horribly received. Try Sure Start Centres; Children's Centres as they are often called. Your local council website, or even nearby council, will have details. Try tumble tots which have a baby section, baby sense classes. But I live in a rural county and googled 'baby and toddler classes near xxxx' and got a list of loads of sessions and groups to try out.

DKPANESAR · 01/07/2016 22:14

Before you leave this group and never look back: here are some facts. Tomatoes are a common allergen. As is cheese (dairy). Tinned tomatoes have no calories. They are basically water. Pesto is saltier than the Dead Sea. It contains garlic which causes wind in babies. The NHS recommends weaning after 6 months because this decreases the risk of allergies.
Post that then run. Run fast. Go meet your old normal friends who don't have babies for lunch. Go to baby cinema. Do stuff you love. Go shopping. Explore the city. The baby wants to snuggle up to you all day. Get a carrier and have fun. Socialising isn't a thing for 12 week olds. They think they are you. You are the bit of them that gives them milk. Life is groovy if they are tucked between your boobs. F these mean girls. Remember your old self who would have told them to f off? Why am I censoring? Fuck of? You are right. Don't back down. Be confident. Enjoy your life.

agentmarmalade · 01/07/2016 22:28

IT is right in my opinion that pesto isn't what you give a 12 week old. Why else do our heal visitors and gps advise against it?

she asked, and you answered her question as to what you thought of it and than you got attacked for not being supportive?

You damn well don't have to support the woman's actions if you don't believe she is right!

As for "omg Hun, u kno ur own baby u know what's best" that's idiotic crap as she obviously doesn't.

Sound like a right bunch of cliquey bitches to me and The ones who messaged you should be ashamed of being such bullies.

BeyondCymru · 01/07/2016 22:28

Never argue with stupid - they'll bring you down to their level and beat you with experience! Grin

Fomalhaut · 01/07/2016 23:40

Facebook mums groups are batshit. I'm on one and it's a pretty even split between crunchy hippy types who think aloe cures everything and sane people.
I have shoved my oar in a few times when people have been recommending actively harmful stuff (fucking carrot seed oil as sunscreen... Jesus.) I've had howls of anguish, multiple Mercola (quack!) links thrown back at me, then there's usually a few people PM me to say 'o wanted to say that but I'm terrified of her.'

Sarah0574 · 02/07/2016 00:00

AIBU to think the GP nurse was totally out of order?

Sunshineonacloudyday · 02/07/2016 00:08

AIBU to think the GP nurse was totally out of order?

Yes

embo1 · 02/07/2016 18:55

Find some sort of weaning info leaflet to give out and try to get across you were only thinking about the baby's wellbeing?? If they still have the same attitude after that, I'd strongly advise them to read the leaflet saying you couldn't stand by whilst they potentially harmed their babies, then leave them to it

embo1 · 02/07/2016 18:59

I wouldn't go back to your old friends if they have babies for lunch.

OldManJenkins · 02/07/2016 19:18

they sound very bullyish

Sparklyglitter · 02/07/2016 19:34

That mother's behaviour is seriously worrying! Who the hell feeds their baby pesto and canned tomatoes? Sounds like a death wish to me! see links below!

The worryingly unhealthy pesto sauces that are saltier than seawater
By TOM KELLY FOR THE DAILY MAIL
Read more: www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1379777/Pesto-sauces-saltier-seawater.html#ixzz4DHHXeZok
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

UK Warning after salt kills baby
news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/404667.stm

Tandia · 02/07/2016 21:10

My son has a relatively severe nut allergy - not anaphylaxis thankfully, but major hives / projectile vomiting. His first of only two ever accidental exposures was thanks to pesto. He had had it before and was fine with pine nuts, but it seems the cheaper ones are bulked out with cashew nuts! Such a dangerous first food, I can hardly think of worse other than a whole peanut!

PalaceResident · 02/07/2016 21:38

Unbelievable, my DD is 20 weeks old I cannot conceive of the thought of giving her the foods you've mentioned we haven't even started weaning yet. You were right to say something for although she has shunned you she might stop and question what she's doing to her child. That's shocking!!

Liz68mustang · 03/07/2016 09:20

From painful prior experience I have had in the past, I try never to criticise anyone on a public forum. If you are concerned about whats said I find the best way is to Pm them, and then give your calm message, in a non judgemental way. " I saw your post, and I know everyone does things differently but, I'm sure I read that its harmful to..... Maybe have a chat with your health visitor etc."
Words in text and forums can often be misconstrued as being critical instead of constructive, especially if about your opinion. ( waiting for the hate mail now)

snowgirl29 · 03/07/2016 09:44

Tinned tomatoes and Pesto? Really?
wonders what happened to the basic rusks .

I'd stay well clear OP. Not worth your time.

snowy508601 · 03/07/2016 10:30

I completely understand the weirdness of the situation feeding a baby at 12 weeks is wrong no health professional would would advise that.

But that is what health professionals DID advice just 20 years ago!!!
I think if it was THAT bad they would have known it before 1996!!
And people talking about 'leaky' gut! Of course the gut is leaky , how else would nutrients be absorbed?

snowy508601 · 03/07/2016 10:33

Do you REALLY not understand why the group ostracised you? You painted this hapless woman as stupid and a bad mother and humiliated her in public.If you were so worried you could have spoken to/PMed her privately afterwards.

DoesMyMarthaCliffLookBigInThis · 03/07/2016 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sodthehousework99 · 04/07/2016 04:04

I don't think that's a fair comment as Pestomum had actually asked for opinions. Besides it sounds like Pestomum had managed to make herself look a bit crap without any help from the OP.

Incidentally, when I had DD1 in 2001 weaning was recommended at 3 months, with DD2 in 2004 it was 4 months and with DS1 in 2014 it was 6 months. They're all still alive and thriving. My personal opinion is to wait till 4-6 months, and if you do wean earlier than 6 months, stIck to baby rice. I've known so many babies who needed more than just milk before 6 months. But then I also think the new rules about making up bottles at no less than 70° or whatever, because formula powder isn't sterile, is a load of nonsense. Mainly because I researched it but also because it's bloody ridiculous. (You do relax an awful lot once you're onto baby #2 or more.)

Pesto and tomatoes, however, is batshit and up there with giving pureed Happy Meals.

Sodthehousework99 · 04/07/2016 04:06

Oops my first sentence about a fair comment was in response to snowy508601 but I haven't worked out how to quote a PP.

Lweji · 04/07/2016 05:47

I also think the new rules about making up bottles at no less than 70° or whatever, because formula powder isn't sterile, is a load of nonsense.

This is an example of the risks of not preparing formula according to guidelines. It may be rare but so it's SIDS.
www.cdc.gov/features/cronobacter/

I do think it's irresponsible to call safety guidelines as nonsense in a public forum.
Unless you can present reasons for your opinion. And reasons should be data rather than "my baby was fine".

I'm also rather surprised about guidelines to wean at 4 months in 2004. My ds was born in 2005 and, by then it was already 6 months. I'm fairly certain it was too in 2004.