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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at SIL!!!!!!

248 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 29/06/2016 22:01

Omg I'm so angry right now so I'm not sure if I'm totally overreacting.

I have one DB, he has his shit moments but on the whole we are extremely close, our DC all go to the same school/nursery and he is a part time SAHD and I'm a SAHM so we see each other quite abit especially as my DD and his youngest are in the same class.

Their eldest DS is 10, since he was born I have provided endless childcare which practically doubled when their DD was then born. I'm talking atleast once a week but normally more and half terms, summer holidays can be days on end, when they go on weekends away etc etc you get the picture. Don't get me wrong I love seeing them BUT I also am a strong believer in helping out family where you can and childcare is something that they've always needed help with and something i can do.

I hardly ever need childcare for my own DD, maybe once every 3months for a couple hours here or there and sometimes I'll just ask my DP or MIL so it's literally virtually ever that I ask DB and SIL. I have an interview tomorrow which I am so excited about I can't even explain, it's for one day a week doing what i love.... Now the bit I'm fuming about, I asked DB to look after DD for me but the issue is he will be getting home 10mins after I would need to leave his house, I asked if SIL will be at home as I know she has been WFH lately and he said she may be and will let me know. He has text me tonight informing me that SIL isn't sure how busy she will be and will let me know in the morning Hmm we are talking about literally 10MINUTES after all the childcare I have provided to them and she is making a fuss over 10MINUTES??? Am I in loony vill? Or AIBU and totally missing something here??

OP posts:
BoGrainger · 01/07/2016 20:14

But would you have been so cross and fuming if it was your dsis who was the part-time SAHP and your bil worked from home? It's coming across as a bit sexist. Apologies if it's not.

MoreMusicPlease · 01/07/2016 20:16

So glad your interview went well OP! Fingers crossed you get it!

Can't believe what a bashing you've taken on this thread re: WFH! Clearly people who work from home have jobs as diverse as people who work away from home. And unless I missed something OP never made this about gender, so everyone claiming sexism must be painting their own views on the situation. Yes, many people who work from home couldn't spare even ten minutes, but with all the numerous favours you've done for SIL, it sounds as if she would have had to take significant time off work without you - so knowing her job does allow some flexibility and unless she had a something booked, why couldn't she help? And work ten mins into the evening? And if she did get an unexpected call at that time, bribe the child (it's a one-off!) or stretch the truth and say there was a family emergency. Personally I would feel guilty about looking after someone's child whilst I was WFH, but I don't ask anyone that number of favours. And I would do it if the situation required it. It's give and take. Anyway I don't think YWBU.

GabsAlot · 01/07/2016 20:24

well done on the interview

i would at least tell you db how u feel that u always have your niece without wuestion and the one time u needed something it wasn reciprocated

you say youre close to her but shes taking advantage of you for it

eddielizzard · 01/07/2016 20:26

i don't think you need to say anything. the next couple of times when you're not available for her she'll start to stop taking you for granted.

you're lucky to have such a helpful family. your sil is an idiot to take advantage of that.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 01/07/2016 20:28

Yes tbh I don't really see why anyone has looked at it as a sexism issue, people seem to think the reason I'm more annoyed at SIL and not DB is because she's a woman and I expect it. Not the case. As far as I can see my DB offered to help in any way he could, my SIL on the other hand offered nothing which upset me because I have consistently put myself out to help her in any way I could, I view them as two seperate people because I've always had seperate relationships with them. If it had been the other way around I would have been just as annoyed.

OP posts:
Boiledfart · 01/07/2016 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 01/07/2016 20:42

Boiledfart I find out next week so fingers crossed for me!!!! Thank you for the support!!

Honestly the thing that's funny is she has been the person who has got me through some of the hardest moments in my life but there has been a steady decline in her kindness over the last 4years (if I'm being truly honest)

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 01/07/2016 20:43

Glad the interview went well OP.Like others have said I'd take a step back from your SIL especially after your posts about her making you feel like your the help.

StealthPolarBear · 01/07/2016 20:44

Do you feel as though some of the childcare you do is for your brother and some for your sil?

ssd · 01/07/2016 20:50

sometimes things happen within families and it really opens your eyes, I've had that happen in mine and I've definitely cooled on the relationship, but it was to do with a bereavement and so a different thing altogether....anyway, what I mean is, dont forget it and look out for yourself a bit more and dont be so willing to jump in when it suits your SIL, she'll probably get the hump a bit but you'll feel a wee bit vindicated.

diddl · 01/07/2016 20:53

OP, it doesn't really come across in your first post that you have put yourself out, more that you have helped because they are family & have needed childcare.

Why do they need so much?

Weekends away??!!

After your brother offered to help it was possible that SIL felt she didn't need to, although she had said she would let you know, but by then you had organised things with your mum.

Glad it went well & fingers crossed for you.

Okay377 · 01/07/2016 21:00

Glad your interview went well OP - fingers crossed!

It doesn't sound to me as if YABU. But it does sound as if you need to speak directly to your SIL. All the arrangements were between you and your DB and so you should talk to her directly to find out exactly what she said about the 10mins and why she said it - and then explain why you are hurt and pissed off. It definitely needs to be addressed rather than fume in silence or via DB, especially given your last two posts about having good relationships with them both separately and that she has helped in the past.

Lovingit81 · 01/07/2016 21:09

YANBU! I'd defo be withdrawing my childcare offers in the future. I'd text back and say it's really important and you really need them to do it. Maybe they don't realise how important it is to you. Hope you get it sorted. X

MillionToOneChances · 01/07/2016 21:25

he did offer me this alrernative which I declined because he can't come here and get her (he has a meeting just before he needs to leave so wouldn't have enough time) and I didn't want to leave that early or come home and then leave again.

YABU. You didn't tell them it was for an interview, you didn't speak to your SIL directly so she probably didn't realise how important it was, and you didn't accept a compromise. Yes, it would have been nice if your SIL had dropped everything (for what might have sounded like an unimportant request when your DB relayed it), but when you work from home people do tend to think you're free and she's probably just in the habit of protecting her work time.

Glad it was sorted and I hope you get the job.

ssd · 01/07/2016 21:38

christ it was for ten minutes!!!

cakesonatrain · 01/07/2016 23:14

All the things I think about this have already been said, many times. Apart from - I would never leave for something as important as a job interview with only 10 minutes slack in my schedule! Dropping off at the time you wanted to (say 1pm) was ok, but dropping off when DB would be home (1.10pm in this example) was too late? Unless the interview was literally at the end of the road, I would need a bigger margin than that.

Highlandfling80 · 01/07/2016 23:47

You said help her up. Do you not mean help her and your brother

Elllicam · 02/07/2016 05:04

Yanbu op, your SIL sounds like a selfish arse. Hope you get the job.

puglife15 · 02/07/2016 05:37

Honestly the thing that's funny is she has been the person who has got me through some of the hardest moments in my life but there has been a steady decline in her kindness over the last 4years (if I'm being truly honest)

This doesn't happen to coincide with you getting pregnant and having DD does it?

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 02/07/2016 08:03

puglife15 How did you guess?!?!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/07/2016 08:30

Trying - I thought the exact same thing when you said 4 years.

She is jealous/unhappy/rattled now that you also have DC.

I reckon she it has changed the dynamics in the family - your Mum now has your DC in her life not just hers, you DC gets your attention so not as much for your DN.

She could be deeply insecure, she could be Queen Bee, she could be deeply jealous.

Still at least you know now and can adjust your offerings and expectations accordingly.

BoGrainger · 02/07/2016 08:38

Or..... she could've reached her limit of extending help and support and never getting any back? Got back into the workplace and needed to re-evaluate how she spent her time? We don't know! Again, I'm sure a bil wouldn't have his working life picked to pieces like this

DonkeyHotay · 02/07/2016 10:02

Well said Bo.

Op originally asked her db to look after her DC because he wasn't working. He tried to make alternative arrangements when it didn't suit. It's only ten minutes either way you look at it. Db and sil didn't know about the interview.

The other side of this would make interesting reading. Relationships change, and DC make us all time poor.

This might be the straw that broke the camels back. If it changes and re-addresses the relationship between op and sil then so be it. Op doesn't like her sil (it could be mutual, who knows?); spending less time together might be a good thing.

trafalgargal · 02/07/2016 11:13

There's an awful lot of mixed messages about SIL
It does seem odd that if SIL is the one at home that you didn't ask her first or at least explain the situation fully (you have no idea if your brother told her that you had an interview or not and from her text it sounds like he didn't)

Personally I found SAHMs could be the worst for not respecting the work at home division and not getting that just as someone in an office can sometimes pop away to run errands and sometimes can't the same applies to those who work from home. It was always the SAHMs who'd turn up in the middle of the working day expecting coffee and a chat. One once sat watching me work for two hours after I'd given her coffee and ten minutes and then apologised saying I had to get back to work (trust me my work really isn't very interesting especially when you can only hear one side of telephone conversations).

I bet everyone saying the SIL is a bitch isn't working as its really easy to forget that depending on the timing 10 minutes can be possible or impossible......and lots of people are ignoring she didn't say No .....she said she would need to see if she could and she'd get back to the OP. The fact the OP couldn't wait and made other arrangements before SIL let her know doesn't take away from she could have said yes after rescheduling something . 24 hours notice for an interview does seem a bit inconsiderate especially if the employer knew there was childcare involved, even those in employment would be hard pushed to make arrangements at such short notice.

I'd be a bit annoyed if she'd said a blanket no but it seems the OP had options , Drop off earlier which inconvenienced no one except her the person who wanted the favour, wait and see if SIL could do it and if not drop off earlier or get Mum to change shifts. The OP seems to be angry because she couldn't get the exact timings she wanted at very short notice .....and I'm not sure how reasonable that is. Reasonable to be shaking with anger and to fall out with family especially family she has to see almost daily at nursery...... Not to me and I hope that now she has the job she realises she was stressed out because of the impending interview and overreacted and doesn't cause a major family fall out or damage things with bitterness because she didn't get her first choice (and Mum was happy to step up anyway).

LilacInn · 02/07/2016 14:00

I wfh a lot and 10 min is nothing, even on a conf call I could handle a child that age.

OP don't have any big dramatic conversations about it with either of them. No good will come. Just be unavailable in future when they "need" help. It will send the message that you no longer are a doormat.