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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at SIL!!!!!!

248 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 29/06/2016 22:01

Omg I'm so angry right now so I'm not sure if I'm totally overreacting.

I have one DB, he has his shit moments but on the whole we are extremely close, our DC all go to the same school/nursery and he is a part time SAHD and I'm a SAHM so we see each other quite abit especially as my DD and his youngest are in the same class.

Their eldest DS is 10, since he was born I have provided endless childcare which practically doubled when their DD was then born. I'm talking atleast once a week but normally more and half terms, summer holidays can be days on end, when they go on weekends away etc etc you get the picture. Don't get me wrong I love seeing them BUT I also am a strong believer in helping out family where you can and childcare is something that they've always needed help with and something i can do.

I hardly ever need childcare for my own DD, maybe once every 3months for a couple hours here or there and sometimes I'll just ask my DP or MIL so it's literally virtually ever that I ask DB and SIL. I have an interview tomorrow which I am so excited about I can't even explain, it's for one day a week doing what i love.... Now the bit I'm fuming about, I asked DB to look after DD for me but the issue is he will be getting home 10mins after I would need to leave his house, I asked if SIL will be at home as I know she has been WFH lately and he said she may be and will let me know. He has text me tonight informing me that SIL isn't sure how busy she will be and will let me know in the morning Hmm we are talking about literally 10MINUTES after all the childcare I have provided to them and she is making a fuss over 10MINUTES??? Am I in loony vill? Or AIBU and totally missing something here??

OP posts:
HopeArden · 30/06/2016 09:56

Well maybe babysitting so sil can have weekends away won't he so important to the OP going forward.

From a purely selfish pov, if I was the sil I'd put myself out for 10 minutes rather than risk losing my sil's goodwill and all that lovely free babysitting.

Justaskingnottelling · 30/06/2016 09:57

For *if

ShowOfHands · 30/06/2016 09:59

Good luck with the interview. Don't drip feed to this extent during the interview though Grin

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/06/2016 10:00

Good luck with your interview op!

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 10:03

And.........Good luck at the interview

Paniniswapx3 · 30/06/2016 10:07

Good luck with the interview Op.

hollyisalovelyname · 30/06/2016 10:09

OP There's a pair of them in it.
I'd be so disappointed too.
Best of luck in the interview.

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 10:11

Justasking ....... "I'm sure she doesn't have the kind of job that ........" Yes that DOES resonate with people who work from home. I'm sure you can just spare 10 mins to babysit/collect a parcel/pop in and visit/stop work and make coffee for unexpected visitor etc etc . It's a bit like expecting your best friend always has 10 mins for a chat on the phone when they are at work ...some jobs it's a non issue, others it depends what is going on at the time .....some it is never acceptable.

People are always sure , often they are wrong

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 30/06/2016 10:12

My job is like this, 60% of the time is scheduled by me, so I can nip out for hairdressing appointments when things are quiet. Unfortunately, the other parts where I'm dealing with customers or escalations is completely non-flexible and I spend 2 hours solid in video conference with no flex whatsoever. Just because I managed to step out on Tuesday doesn't mean I have the same flexibility on a Thursday for example, as most of the fixed part of my schedule is governed by other people.

This, exactly.

Good luck, OP!

OliviaBenson · 30/06/2016 10:12

Good luck with the interview but I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with your SIL.

You not being able to wait 45mins and your bothers errands are simply not as important as paid employment.

Justaskingnottelling · 30/06/2016 10:19

Trafalgar, I actually said 'I don't think' not 'I'm sure'. I do understand that it must be annoying the things you've mentioned but my point was, if it's a specific reason , like a conference call, then SIL should have made it clear. If it's just that she's got a lot of work on, then maybe she could have put herself out to work TEN MINUTES later in the evening, given the amount of free childcare OP has provided and the importance of the appointment for OP. If it was for OP to have coffee with a mate, that would be entirely different.

AnnaMarlowe · 30/06/2016 10:20

I work from home regularly. I sometimes schedule dentist appointments etc on Wfh days. Some days I'm glued to my desk all day without even time for a coffee. It just depends on what is happening.

There are some conference calls I could rearrange at the drop of a hat and some I absolutely could not.

Although it would be considered unprofessional to have child noise in the back ground generally, in some instances it would be OK - in others it absolutely would not.

The fact that this woman has scheduled (key point scheduled) a blow dry in the past does not mean that this particular 10 minutes is free or can be freed up.

I'm interested that at no point in 7 pages has the OP mentioned her DH/DP if she's a SAHM I'm assuming she has one? Why isn't he taking the afternoon to support this interview?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/06/2016 10:21

Good luck with your interview.
Sock it to them!!!

crje · 30/06/2016 10:27

I didn't want to leave that early or come home and then leave again

You didn't want a favour.
You wanted them to jump through hoops to suit you.
Your sense of being wronged is way ott, they tried to help!
When you help them out you are not putting yourself out.
I'm a sahm and it's often easier for me to have other kids here to occupy mine.

good luck in the interview

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 10:29

Just asking ......if you look at the OP you'll see the SIL said she wasn't sure and she'd let her know in the morning. That sounds like there was something scheduled that she wasn't sure she could move or not. Whether she could have moved it or not we don't know as presumably the OP felt she needed to know straight away. In the OPs shoes I'd have probably waited to see if she could do it with a plan B of the 45 mins before rather than getting her Mum to change a whole shift but we're all different.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/06/2016 10:30

I'm interested that at no point in 7 pages has the OP mentioned her DH/DP if she's a SAHM I'm assuming she has one? Why isn't he taking the afternoon to support this interview?

This! The OPis being ridiculous, her DB offered her a perfectly acceptable solution but because it wasn't what she wanted it wasn't ok. Apparently is ok to get your mum to leave work early so that you don't have to put yourself out Confused

Clearly the OP detests her SIL and is looking for any excuse to bitch about her.

Justaskingnottelling · 30/06/2016 10:38

Trafalgar, I think she would have said if it had been something specific at that time, she didn't say that. It's just interpretations though. So, for instance, I think you sound like a confident person who is established in their career, so hanging around for 45 minutes before an interview wouldn't be a big deal. Although, I accept it's just an interpretation and I might have got that wrong. My point to the OP would be that I understand how it might be for her.

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 10:42

Actually dropping a child off on the hoof and rushing to an interview or dropping child off earlier with time for a calming cuppa near the interview beforehand ......surely option 2 is better. Nothing worse than arriving for an interview rushing and flustered.

HopeArden · 30/06/2016 10:43

Hardly jumping through hiops to give the kid an ipad and a packet of crisps for 10 minutes

Lymmmummy · 30/06/2016 10:44

Can see both sides - and I do think it's partly your own doing - being a bit too helpful - never in the past asking for the help to be reciprocated - also perhaps your DB not being as grateful or as open in offering help - yes you say you normally don't need it - and prefer using your DP or DM - but truthfully does your DB "need" weekends away where you have his kids - a luxury not a need unless there is some sort of health emergency for a long distance relative. Have you been overly generous and them perhaps be under the illusion you actually enjoy doing so especially given this appears one of the first times you have called a favour from them?

Equally to be fair my DH works from home one day a week he can often have commitments to conference calls at set times that cannot be shifted and he is v v careful to keep DC out of his way as if their is any evidence of him taking the Michael he fears that the working from home privilege would be withdrawn - working from home is great but lots of those stuck in the office resent it and will sadly be looking hard for prove that significant work has been taking place etc

I do feel for you and I think it's a complex - I wish you the best with the interview and think it's time to think through what you want and how you want to structure the support you are in future willing to give your DB and I would forget about SIL issue is with DB

diddl · 30/06/2016 11:08

Wouldn't it have been better to have accepted brother's offer & hoped that SIL could/would have done it?

She said that she would look & let you know.

Also, is there no child's father/partner to ask?

diddl · 30/06/2016 11:12

Oops, sorry just looked back.
You have a partner so surely you asked them first?

Unfortunately when everyone you ask works, then it might have to be on their terms or you try to change/add a nursery day or find paid childcare.

pictish · 30/06/2016 11:33

I agree Lymm - I can see both sides in the same way you can.

There is so much I'd like to say about this but it would lead to an essay and no one needs that.

I don't really like the way you have gone about this OP. I don't like your reasoning or your argument as to why she should pretty much jump to. I don't like that you brought up a hairdressing appointment as supposed evidence of her having free time when she wants it. That is both overly simplistic and none of your business.
You think she owes you and maybe she does, but your attitude is making me bristle. Sorry to say.

dustarr73 · 30/06/2016 11:45

There are 2 things niggling me.

1.How long have you known about the interview.
2.Could you have out your dc in the nursery for the day.

3 Good luck wiht the job interview.

rookiemere · 30/06/2016 11:53

Good luck for the interview OP.

However I do think YABU. Your DB offered a compromise which put you out somewhat, but instead of accepting that and being early for your interview, your DM has to rearrange her shifts instead. I do hope that when you asked her you explained that DB had offered the option of you dropping off your DD early which you rejected as it was a bit inconvenient for you.

I totally get what you're saying about them taking advantage of you. I'd ease back, offer less . Start saying it isn't convenient for you, or if you do start working, start talking about what days you can swap childcare.