Fuming at SIL!!!!!!

[Tryingtostayyoung]

Omg I'm so angry right now so I'm not sure if I'm totally overreacting.

I have one DB, he has his shit moments but on the whole we are extremely close, our DC all go to the same school/nursery and he is a part time SAHD and I'm a SAHM so we see each other quite abit especially as my DD and his youngest are in the same class.

Their eldest DS is 10, since he was born I have provided endless childcare which practically doubled when their DD was then born. I'm talking atleast once a week but normally more and half terms, summer holidays can be days on end, when they go on weekends away etc etc you get the picture. Don't get me wrong I love seeing them BUT I also am a strong believer in helping out family where you can and childcare is something that they've always needed help with and something i can do.

I hardly ever need childcare for my own DD, maybe once every 3months for a couple hours here or there and sometimes I'll just ask my DP or MIL so it's literally virtually ever that I ask DB and SIL. I have an interview tomorrow which I am so excited about I can't even explain, it's for one day a week doing what i love.... Now the bit I'm fuming about, I asked DB to look after DD for me but the issue is he will be getting home 10mins after I would need to leave his house, I asked if SIL will be at home as I know she has been WFH lately and he said she may be and will let me know. He has text me tonight informing me that SIL isn't sure how busy she will be and will let me know in the morning we are talking about literally 10MINUTES after all the childcare I have provided to them and she is making a fuss over 10MINUTES??? Am I in loony vill? Or AIBU and totally missing something here??

Ok wow I really didn't think that info was such a big thing. Neither me or DB live 2mins from the nursery, it would mean I would have to drop DD at my DB 45mins before I need to leave for my interview because he has to get there 30mins before I would need to drop her off, this also means I have to get ready for my interview at a time that I am meant to be doing other things, I also have other things to do. I don't see why I am so U for that, 45min inconvenience to me or 10mins for her when I have continuously put myself out to help them both.

I feel like posters are not reading previous posts, she continuously takes time out whilst WFH to get her hair blowdried, nails done, spray tan, pops to the shops, she also has her DD there atleast 3times a week from lunchtime and my DB is coming home with their DD aswell.

OP YANBU! Please don't let people on this thread convince you are I can't believe some of the responses. So if someone helps a family out time and time again for extended periods of time for free, then needs help for 10 minutes(!!!) the other family should say " no I'm busy" even they're at home? Even if working from him 10 mins is absolutely nothing could be a loo break/ making a cup of tea and out it this way if the SIL wanted to help she could and she chose not to. Even the text "I'm not sure how busy I'll be" is so patronising and rude- it's not like she said: "sorry I have an important call at that time" is it?

Stick to your guns OP and tell your DB you're upset and won't be reorganising things to accommodate them at all in future. Your DB and SIL are as bad as each other and should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. What selfish takers.

Sorry also forgot to mention he isn't going straight to nursery he also needs to run an errand

If you get the job OP it might be worth reassessing your attitude to women in the workplace . you appear to have a bit of an expectation that women can drop work or change shifts at the drop of a hat to provide childcare . Really odd how it's your SIL who gets all the blame and not your brother.

PumpkinPies38

Ok at first I thought YANBU and then you said your dh said you could stop her early but you didn't want to and I thought hmmm maybe you are being a bit unreasonable but now based on you last post and seeing that it was just 45 minutes I think you are ridiculous and very Selfish to get your mum to swap shifts to save you a bit of inconvenience. I suspect SIL turned you down because there was a perfectly acceptable offer on the table and she was annoyed that felt it not good enough I would have turned you down too

trafalgargal how hateful, I'm not like that at all but it is 10minutes, I have worked from home, 10minutes is popping to the loo, replying to some texts and getting a drink. I have already said that I feel let down by the both of them but you would need to read previous posts

monkeywithacowface I did start this thread asking if IABU so am willing to accept that people feel that and am happy to look at it from that POV I'm not perfect but I do think that I have a right to feel quite let down by her attitude as we have always been close and I have always done what I can to help her out.

I think YABU.

Working from home is just that, WORKING.

When I work from home I'm just as likely to be presenting in front of a couple of dozen people or on a scheduled call with customers that can't be moved as I am to be doing an admin or other task that can easily be shifted. The fact that she said she'd let you know, probably means she has something scheduled then and she needs to confer with someone about moving something. Just because I can schedule something else into my day (taking one of the DDs to the dentist, or going to something at school) doesn't mean that I can guarantee to be free for a random 10 mins, especially at such short notice.

10 mins is not popping to the loo, going for a blow dry or making a cuppa if you are in the middle of a client call. I work from home, and there are times that I simply cannot leave my screen.
You were offered a solution which would have changed your schedule by 45 mins. You declined. Your SIL quite reasonably assumed your appointment wasn't immovable.
You have now inconvenienced your DM, and slated your SIL.

But OP, put this behind you now. It's sorted. Turn the screen off, have some time with your DD and then start getting yourself mentally ready for the interview. I genuinely wish you luck.

You don't get it do you.
You aren't prepared to reschedule the "other things you have to do" but expect your SIL to do so? And your Mum too.
Are these "other things" a source of income to your family like working is?

I think you are likely to be in for an earful from both your Mum and your SIL when they speak and discover you have such little respect for their work and expect them both to dump work so you don't have to move a few things around.

If you're the one asking the favour, you accept the terms on which the favour is carried out.

You feel it's U as you haven't applied this principle to favours you have granted in the past, but this was your choice and YABU, sorry.

Your DB offered a solution which you didn't accept as you didn't want to put yourself out, but it's ok for you to expect that your SIL, and your DM, put themselves out?

YABU.

Thanks everyone for their opinions, the people that agreed with me or not. The situation has rectified now anyway so just going to move on now anyway and get ready for my interview today as pp said, enjoy may day with my DD. Have a nice day everyone

Well I think you'll find you've cut off your nose to spite your face on this one OP. Your choice of course but I still can't believe you would rather have your mum reshuffle her work schedule than leave 45 mins earlier just because you don't fancy it.

You don't sound like you have always been close to your SIL - did you ask her yourself to do this or just your DB?
I get that you do a lot for them and that on the face of it it should be easy to do- but there may be reasons why it doesn't work- she might not be sure if she is going to be at home- maybe she could get called in to the office- maybe she has a call to make? But you haven't spoken to her as far as I can see. You and DB are happy for her to be blamed for what was your cockup.
I cannot believe that rather than make yourself early for an interview (which would be good preparation time for you- with no child around to distract) - you have had your mum rearrange her shift.

I think anyone who says you have a bad attitude to women in the workplace is barking. While many of you might be unable to manage even 10 minutes out of your busy days to help out your sil, this particular sil seemingly managed to find time in her day to carry out the personal business which is important to her, like blow dries and nail appts! If I was the OP I would resent having to rearrange my day so that sil doesn't have to help at all when sil has been on the receiving end of lots of help from the OP.

I do think that getting mil to change shifts wasn't great, unless mil knows you need this time at home to mentally prep for the interview and not be flapping about doing other things, in which case fair enough.

Good luck with your interview!

Best of luck with the interview. Honestly though I completely agreed with you at the start because I presumed your DB and DSIL flat out refused to mind your DD, I think it is very likely that your DB and SIL did not get the significance of your appointment when you refused to drop of your DD 45 minutes earlier for them to mind her. Given that extra information I think you need to reevaluate your anger with them. Yab completely u.

"this particular sil seemingly managed to find time in her day to carry out the personal business which is important to her, "

And I guess that looking after Op's daughter isn't important to her-when her husband has already offered & that offer been declined!

I've read all the posts.
I've done the SAH and the working Mum gig and I currently do work from home so I do see it from all angles.

Asking another SAH mum to help you out is entirely different to asking a working Mum for help in their working hours. You clearly do resent your SIL (but not your brother weirdly) yet surely you must have realised that with them both working asking them to reciprocate childcare within working hours was never going to be a given. Whilst it's nice to help people , doing it with an expectation of payback is a bit unrealistic. People will help out back when they can but can't always do it. My best friend always worked full time I never expected her to be able to help me. The day my Mum died and I got the phone call telling me during a 30 mile school run I rocked up at hers to grab a cup of coffee and get my head together to decide if I was dropping son at school or taking him with me to get to the hospital and my freaking out SIL . Her husband (who worked from home) met me at the door handed me coffee and let me talk. He then disappeared into the other room and came back and told me he'd cancelled all his appointments for the day and to go do what I needed to do and he'd look after my son and for as long as I needed even if that was overnight. He saved my life that day but I never expected him to cancel everything but he did it because he could and because he knew I'd helped his wife. I didn't show up expecting it though and wouldn't have resented it if he hadn't offered as I knew he was working and my mind set is WFH is just geography. Every job is different and with WFH some days you can have (certain) kids around and still work ,other days it's just not possible. Just like in some jobs you can schedule a break for a school pick up other places it'd be unthinkable.

Your brother and SIL did try to help you (and if fact your SIL didn't say no she said she'd have to try and reshuffle) but you were inflexible . If you do get the job then you may need their help again. Don't burn your boats with them at this point with what is unreasonable anger. A few years down the road you might be the one needing more help from them. These things tend to balance out over time and all the help you gave them might be paid back with interest later on.

women in the workplace is barking. While many of you might be unable to manage even 10 minutes out of your busy days to help out your sil, this particular sil seemingly managed to find time in her day to carry out the personal business which is important to her, like blow dries and nail appts!

My job is like this, 60% of the time is scheduled by me, so I can nip out for hairdressing appointments when things are quiet. Unfortunately, the other parts where I'm dealing with customers or escalations is completely non-flexible and I spend 2 hours solid in video conference with no flex whatsoever. Just because I managed to step out on Tuesday doesn't mean I have the same flexibility on a Thursday for example, as most of the fixed part of my schedule is governed by other people.

Oh dear OP, think you have maybe touched a nerve of people who work from home and think they're not taken seriously enough. I don't think your SIL sounds like she has the kind of job that she couldn't leave for ten minutes. For she had a conference call, she would have said so. I think your mother changed her shifts because she knew SIL was likely to be selfish. I'm sure this job interview is a particularly big deal for you, especially as you've been a SAHM and you're probably more nervous than someone who's been in the marketplace the whole time. I understand why you want to control the situation and want it to go well. You sound like a really kind person. Hope the interview goes well and don't feel you have to put yourself out in future.