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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at SIL!!!!!!

248 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 29/06/2016 22:01

Omg I'm so angry right now so I'm not sure if I'm totally overreacting.

I have one DB, he has his shit moments but on the whole we are extremely close, our DC all go to the same school/nursery and he is a part time SAHD and I'm a SAHM so we see each other quite abit especially as my DD and his youngest are in the same class.

Their eldest DS is 10, since he was born I have provided endless childcare which practically doubled when their DD was then born. I'm talking atleast once a week but normally more and half terms, summer holidays can be days on end, when they go on weekends away etc etc you get the picture. Don't get me wrong I love seeing them BUT I also am a strong believer in helping out family where you can and childcare is something that they've always needed help with and something i can do.

I hardly ever need childcare for my own DD, maybe once every 3months for a couple hours here or there and sometimes I'll just ask my DP or MIL so it's literally virtually ever that I ask DB and SIL. I have an interview tomorrow which I am so excited about I can't even explain, it's for one day a week doing what i love.... Now the bit I'm fuming about, I asked DB to look after DD for me but the issue is he will be getting home 10mins after I would need to leave his house, I asked if SIL will be at home as I know she has been WFH lately and he said she may be and will let me know. He has text me tonight informing me that SIL isn't sure how busy she will be and will let me know in the morning Hmm we are talking about literally 10MINUTES after all the childcare I have provided to them and she is making a fuss over 10MINUTES??? Am I in loony vill? Or AIBU and totally missing something here??

OP posts:
DonkeyHotay · 02/07/2016 14:15

I wfh and couldnt interrupt a conference call to open the door and settle a child. I'm not allowed to wfh if my child is here alone with me. I wouldn't put sometime else in that position, regardless of how flexible their arrangements seemed to be. If my DH and DS are here whilst I'm working they don't come into the room.

Is ten minutes either way and Op's db/sil had no idea why this was so crucial. Neither do I. I wouldn't leave ten minutes grace to get to an interview and would have been happy to leave early to fit in with someone else.

trafalgargal · 02/07/2016 15:04

There's a world of difference between a conference call you are expected to listen to and not participate and one you are running or has a discussion going on that your participation is required and people are listening to you.

The first ....yes you can stick mute on and no one will even notice you're not there the second that would be impossible.

For many people WFH days are a privelige not a right and "child noise" in a meeting would get it revoked. Not worth the risk of losing for 10 mins when there are other options available (like the earlier drop)

MoreMusicPlease · 02/07/2016 16:04

I don't think anyone is disagreeing that some jobs or some particular times do not allow for people WFH to have a child with them, even for ten minutes. But in this specific case, the DN is frequently home and, if I've understood correctly, will be expected home shortly later.

gobbynorthernbird · 02/07/2016 17:05

But, the DN will be there with a second adult. Who will presumably be looking after her and keeping her out of the way/quiet if necessary.

trafalgargal · 03/07/2016 03:51

No DB will be home 10 mins after the OP needed to drop the child off - so the SIL would need to answer the door, greet the child,and settle the child -and whatever else until her husband returns with the other child.

The alternative was DB picked up the OP's child before he went to collect his own child and took her with him to do so - but that didn't suit the OP.

trafalgargal · 03/07/2016 03:55

Still maybe the OP will be happy for SIL to drop her child off to her for "only ten minutes" in her new workplace on her first day......or maybe she'll feel that she's working and it wouldn't be appropriate.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 03/07/2016 07:21

DonkeyHotay have you read my previous posts? I 100% understand that YOUR arrangement would make this totally unsuitable for you BUT SIL does not have this, she is frequently on her own with DN whilst she works and my DN was going to be there 10minutes later so it's not like that day she had needed to be child free.

LilacInn Exactly!!

MoreMusicPlease Thankyou!!!!!

trafalgargal you keep saying the same points over and over and I keep answering them... You keep stating that she WFH, that means work she may have a conference call... If she had a conference call first of all my DB would have said that was the reason why, second of all my DB would not have been bringing my DN there 10minutes later if she was going to be on one, ofcourse if my SIL had been in the office I would never have asked that because it's different, you think i have no idea what it's like to WFH, as I have said before, I used to WFH I understand and 10minutes would have been nothing, half hour, an hour I could understand but 10minutes no sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 03/07/2016 07:26

BoGrainger everything that you suggested is wrong, that's not the case and if it was roles reversed and say it was my DH to them (so bil to them) I can 100% bet that my DB would feel disappointed that he couldn't help him out for 10minutes.

DonkeyHotay how dare you make a starement that I don't like my SIL, if you had read through my pp you would see that I had stated that I love my SIL, I feel she works extremely hard, that we have a seperate relationship and that she used to be a very big support to my life, right now we're going through a rocky patch where I feel her behaviour in general is very selfish and I don't like her choices of what's important, that doesn't mean i don't like HER.

OP posts:
puglife15 · 03/07/2016 07:30

This whole "she might have a conf call" is getting a bit cancel-the-cheque.

It's obvious the SIL is just being awkward.

puglife15 · 03/07/2016 07:35

She's jealous of you, and annoyed her kids are no longer the sole centre of attention, maybe your DM gives your DD more attention or her children less now there's more GCs?

Not sure what you do about it though except withdraw to avoid further heart ache.

In your situation I'd have found this very hurtful.

BoGrainger · 03/07/2016 07:41

Your DB would have every right to feel disappointed if the situation was reversed but would he be fuming and angry? Or would he have just taken the first option that was offered? You seem to be upset out of all proportion

Alibobbob · 03/07/2016 07:46

Can you meet DB wherever he will be 10 mins earlier? Or can you rearrange interview time?

turnaroundbrighteyes · 03/07/2016 09:00

Sorry totally unreasonable to slate you SIL to your Mum when you have an alternative (that didnt suit you), she didnt know where you were going or how important to you and she didnt even say "no" she was going to try and do it depending how busy she was.

In your shoes I'd have loved the brothers alternative and maybe asked if I could drop her off even earlier and got ready in peace.

You seem to be creating a lot of drama within your family for nothing op.

Why do you expect your SIL to have understood how important this is to you when you're not even close enough to tell her its for a job interview?

From your sil's pov view maybe she didnt realise how important it is it you (why would she you didnt even talk to her), maybe theres a reason why she needs to be more careful to be working when wfh. Maybe she feels you db takes the piss often asking her to do other stuff when wfh that he wouldnt if she worked out of the home. But above all else she still said she'd try and help you.

Now the dust has settle dont you think you owe your sil a very big appology and to try and smooth things over with your Mum for creating all this fuss about your sil letting you down for the very important interview that she didnt even know about!

AnnieNoMouse · 03/07/2016 09:03

I'm hoping SIL will see this thread and post her response.
SIL and bro didn't know childcare was for an important job interview and when OP asked for help they came up with a solution (one which would have allowed OP extra child-free time so they probably thought they were doing extra to help out, not less). Instead of explaining her predicament OP went passive aggressive and decided everything was the SIL's fault (darling brother remains semi-blameless of course Hmm ) and rants and raves about her on here.
If SIL is working on tight deadlines and is trying to get everything done before toddler arrives home then 10 minutes can make all the difference. And for all we know DB was planning to take his child somewhere else immediately after nursery to give his wife extra time to concentrate on her job.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/07/2016 09:46

I'm totally with turnaround and annie, I am gobsmacked that so many people think that the OP is even remotely reasonable! xx

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/07/2016 09:47

Oh haha sorry for the kisses, was just texting my DD! 😂

DonkeyHotay · 03/07/2016 10:55

If you say you love your sil, then you do (shrug). I've read all of your posts and it still seems to me that you don't particularly like your sil. Your thread title 'Fuming at Sil!!!!!!!!!!' sets the tone. You asked your db for help without explaining why, he offered and alternative and you are fuming with his wife because it wasn't exactly what you wanted. You state she has been less kind in since you've had your DC and agree she might be jealous of you. Maybe you are just cross? Maybe some of the posts make me feel a bit sorry your SIL?

I dare because you have posted on a public forum to ask opinions. Based on the information you have provided I think you ABU.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 03/07/2016 13:31

turnaroundbrighteyes sorry, when did I slate my SIL to my mum? I told my mum what was going on like I do with most things and when dos I create lots of drama? Asked my DB a question, didn't work out for me, my DM offered instead, drama? It seems like your the one being dramatic, I'm just quietly upset and disappointed, seems like your just searching...

DonkeyHotay If I had written fuming at DH would you think I didn't love him? Or maybe he'd upset me. I never agreed that she was jealous, all I did was confirm that things changed when i was pregnant, I actually never responded to posters who stated that... I posted on a public forum to ask people's opinion, not to ask people to share an opinion on whether I like my SIL, especially when I have said I do.

OP posts:
DonkeyHotay · 03/07/2016 14:03

You asked AIBU and overreacting and my opinion is yes to both.

I've read and understood your posts and disagreed with you. No biggie, you asked for and got opinions.

Have you spoken to your db and sil?

turnaroundbrighteyes · 03/07/2016 14:16

Maybe you didnt slate her, but given initially on here you said you were fuming and didnt think it relevent to mention the totally reasonable solution offered by your DB it seems reasonable to infer that you used the same emotional bias when talking to your Mum. Backed up by the fact that you say your Mum a normally level headed woman was upset in a similar way that most of the posters on here were outraged on your behalf before the massive drip feed then the majority switched to yabu after.

In your shoes and given the perfectly reasonalble compromise offered by your brother and the fact that your sil was getting back to me in the morning i wouldnt even have thought it worthy of mentioning to my Mum as my childcare would have been sorted. And certainly not in a way that would have upset her.

So yes yabu and imho should smooth things over between your mum and sil (who has done nothing wrong!) and at worst be a teeny bit narked with yourself for not telling them why it was important and your db for not realising that he'd double booked himself until the night before - although given you hadnt told him about the interview...

trafalgargal · 03/07/2016 14:17

So she takes advantage of you expecting too much childcare
She makes you so angry you were shaking
And she jealous of you since had a baby (despite already having a child of her own)

And we can gather from that you love your SIL

Um ok

Good luck with the new job, hope your childcare works out!

LilacInn · 03/07/2016 14:47

OP have you heard from B and SIL since?

I hope you stand firm if they ask you for more free child care.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 03/07/2016 15:10

I do wonder if the underlying reason for your anger is that sometimes you've said yes to nonemergency childcare for them when its really put you out and really you should have said no or could we do it next week instead? Maybe putting your own needs higher would improve the relationship?

Could you also think less of your brother helping you out v your sil helping you out and more as them as a team? As surely if your sil didnt work full time inc wfh your brother would be around less and neither of them would be able to help you out on the few occasions you need it.

Also think that if you'd asked them together a few days in advance and told her it was an interview you'd have had more chance of a yes as an interview is one of the few appointments you dont have a say in the date and time for unlike a drs appointment that you could check in advance if they were free for or take dc with you.

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