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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at SIL!!!!!!

248 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 29/06/2016 22:01

Omg I'm so angry right now so I'm not sure if I'm totally overreacting.

I have one DB, he has his shit moments but on the whole we are extremely close, our DC all go to the same school/nursery and he is a part time SAHD and I'm a SAHM so we see each other quite abit especially as my DD and his youngest are in the same class.

Their eldest DS is 10, since he was born I have provided endless childcare which practically doubled when their DD was then born. I'm talking atleast once a week but normally more and half terms, summer holidays can be days on end, when they go on weekends away etc etc you get the picture. Don't get me wrong I love seeing them BUT I also am a strong believer in helping out family where you can and childcare is something that they've always needed help with and something i can do.

I hardly ever need childcare for my own DD, maybe once every 3months for a couple hours here or there and sometimes I'll just ask my DP or MIL so it's literally virtually ever that I ask DB and SIL. I have an interview tomorrow which I am so excited about I can't even explain, it's for one day a week doing what i love.... Now the bit I'm fuming about, I asked DB to look after DD for me but the issue is he will be getting home 10mins after I would need to leave his house, I asked if SIL will be at home as I know she has been WFH lately and he said she may be and will let me know. He has text me tonight informing me that SIL isn't sure how busy she will be and will let me know in the morning Hmm we are talking about literally 10MINUTES after all the childcare I have provided to them and she is making a fuss over 10MINUTES??? Am I in loony vill? Or AIBU and totally missing something here??

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 08:27

I 100% appreciate that my DB offered me the other solution and that I declined it but it doesn't change the fact that I feel it seems she is never willing to put herself out.

OP posts:
PrancingQueen · 30/06/2016 08:28

YANBU at all. If your SIL can take time out of her working day to get her hair done or other things that suit her, then she can bloody we'll help you out.
I'd be fuming. Glad your DM is helping you instead.
Good luck at the interview.

HopeArden · 30/06/2016 08:29

Given that she has relied on you to cover her childcare in the past, I would absolutely expect her to rearrange her time to help you out. It's all very well to say that wfh is just that, but you can only take that attotude if you have never relied on someone else to help facilitate it or never asked for favours from relatives that have involved them inconveniencing themsrlves for your benefit.
She ought to have said yes without a second thought and your brother ought to have pointed out to her all the benefits of free child care she has enjoyed.

Next time they want to go away for the weekend you need to be too busy to help them. She is taking you utterly for granted.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 30/06/2016 08:31

Hhhhmmm i thought you yanbu until you mentioned that your brother offered alternatives already but they didn't suit so now I think yabu I'm afraid and I also think that's a big drip feed

BastardDailyMail · 30/06/2016 08:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 30/06/2016 08:34

I think that since your brother offered a solution then there was no need to involve your SIL at all & I can see why she would say no in this instance-there's no need for her to "put herself out".

Only1scoop · 30/06/2016 08:36

It's become more about your anger at your sil and less about the solution to the 10 mins which your db has offered.

So much so that you are now putting out another family member....changing shifts etc.

Seems slightly silly

BoGrainger · 30/06/2016 08:37

Agree, sounds like they were accommodating. Sil probably put her foot down after you'd turned down db's solution. Also, is there not a dad somewhere who could help out on this occasion?

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 08:38

Ultimately they offered a compromise which meant you having to leave a little earlier and kill some time in a coffee shop before the interview and you turned it down flat . You want a favour but only on exactly your terms and you think they are unreasonable ?

Sorry but some people do prioritise work it's not like they turned you down flat. They found a compromise but your reasons it didn't suit are flimsy. It doesn't seem a good enough reason to throw a tantrum and refuse to ever help them again. This is how major family rift start out. Do you really want to be responsible for that?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 30/06/2016 08:39

Your SIL is clearly being very selfish. Yes WFH is working, but given how easily she looks after her own child or restructures her day to fit in a blow dry then I'm sure the five minutes to say hello and settle your DD with crisps & her iPad were perfectly doable. L

I wouldn't be cross with your DB, but I'd tell him what a selfish cow I thought his wife was.

However, I'm not sure why leaving a bit earlier to drop your DD to your DB was that big a deal and surely less hassle than your DM changing her hours and coming to look after DD?

OliviaBenson · 30/06/2016 08:42

I also now think YABU. So you have now put your mum out because your brothers work around didn't suit you?

If you feel taken for granted with the childcare that is one thing, but they did try and help you. You seem put out that your SIL can't stop working for 10mins. I work from home and it's a privilege tap hat is built on trust. I would be sacked if I used it for childcare, even just for 10mins.

clicknclack · 30/06/2016 08:44

If I were SIL and my husband had offered a solution to your problem but you didn't like it I don't think I'd be offering to have your daughter while I was working either. Not to be mean or selfish but because we had offered to look after your child already but it didn't work for you.

I agree with PP that I think your judgement here might be clouded because you love your brother and don't seem to much like your SIL.

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 08:45

If I was the DM who had to change her shift because brother and SIL refused to help and subsequently discovered OP could have put herself out for 10 mins and not needed me to do this ......it wouldn't be brother and SIL I was pissed off with.

WeekendAway · 30/06/2016 08:47

This kind of thing would really upset me. I'm not surprised you are furious. Some people are jus too selfish and unreasonable. Even if it was half an hour or longer, under the circumstances she should put herself out to help you even if it was a bit of a PITA.

Numberoneisgone · 30/06/2016 08:47

Tbh OP your recent post completely changes my view. I would see your DB and SIL as a unit. You asked them to mind your DD, your DB offered a solution, you refused. I am presuming your DH would not be the one doing the favour anytime for them either so I do think YABU.

ficbia · 30/06/2016 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bakeoffcake · 30/06/2016 08:52

I think this whole thing is more to do with the fact the OP feels SIL never puts herself out for her, whilst the OP puts herself out all the time.

So I'm glad you are going to tell your brother that you're really upset. He needs to know how you feel and they may be a bit more comsiderate next time.

Gazelda · 30/06/2016 08:55

Maybe she genuinely couldn't put herself out. Perhaps she had a conference call booked, or needed to get a presentation rready for X time?

Had they known it was for an interview, and realised sooner that it was an important, inflexible appointment, then maybe she would have tried to accommodate.

And as you were offered but declined a solution, maybe she didn't appreciate how important it is (and you didn't tell them it was an interview, which is a non-flexible appointment).

I think that after your (hopefully successful) interview today, you should let them both know that you were disappointed that they weren't able to help and that you are feeling the balance of support isn't working out for you. Speak fairly, listen to them and maybe they'll realise they've had the better share of the arrangement for quite a time and it's now their turn to offer evenings and weekend childcare so you can enjoy a social life.

Good luck today.

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 08:57

I agree the OP is looking for an excuse to have a go at SIL.
Refusing their help and insisting her DM changes her shift instead is inconsiderate and manipulative.

diddl · 30/06/2016 08:58

But they were able to help & Op declined it!

MiffleTheIntrovert · 30/06/2016 09:02

Last post does alter things, it's a bit of a drop feed Wink

YABU as your DB has actually offered to look after your DC which you have declined, I'm not sure why you would then think is then OK to moan about how your SIL not taking time out of work to look after your DC! As PP said, work is work no matter where it is and they have offered you a solution. Why didn't you just leave the house earlier and either come back or get a coffee before the interview?

rainbowunicorn · 30/06/2016 09:02

So a perfectly sensible solution was offered by your brother and you declined as it would have put you out, wasn't suitable to you.
Strange how it is OK for you to be angry that your sister in law won't put herself out for you but it is fine for you to refuse to budge when a solution is offered.

MiffleTheIntrovert · 30/06/2016 09:03

It does annoy me tbh that it's always the woman expected to provide childcare and the woman's fault.

I think SIL is the new MIL on MN. Grin

MiffleTheIntrovert · 30/06/2016 09:04

Like "friend" actually means someone I don't actually like, and probably judge Grin

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 09:05

Helping out is often unbalanced.
If one person is a SAHP and has flexibility it's easy to forget that working parents can't have that same flexibility and can't always reshuffle to suit you and your wants. I'd be incredibly pissed off if someone told me I was unreasonable to not drop work commitments especially if I'd found them a solution and they told me it was unacceptable for them to kill 15 mins in a coffee shop and expected me to compromise my work (and earnings) instead.