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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at SIL!!!!!!

248 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 29/06/2016 22:01

Omg I'm so angry right now so I'm not sure if I'm totally overreacting.

I have one DB, he has his shit moments but on the whole we are extremely close, our DC all go to the same school/nursery and he is a part time SAHD and I'm a SAHM so we see each other quite abit especially as my DD and his youngest are in the same class.

Their eldest DS is 10, since he was born I have provided endless childcare which practically doubled when their DD was then born. I'm talking atleast once a week but normally more and half terms, summer holidays can be days on end, when they go on weekends away etc etc you get the picture. Don't get me wrong I love seeing them BUT I also am a strong believer in helping out family where you can and childcare is something that they've always needed help with and something i can do.

I hardly ever need childcare for my own DD, maybe once every 3months for a couple hours here or there and sometimes I'll just ask my DP or MIL so it's literally virtually ever that I ask DB and SIL. I have an interview tomorrow which I am so excited about I can't even explain, it's for one day a week doing what i love.... Now the bit I'm fuming about, I asked DB to look after DD for me but the issue is he will be getting home 10mins after I would need to leave his house, I asked if SIL will be at home as I know she has been WFH lately and he said she may be and will let me know. He has text me tonight informing me that SIL isn't sure how busy she will be and will let me know in the morning Hmm we are talking about literally 10MINUTES after all the childcare I have provided to them and she is making a fuss over 10MINUTES??? Am I in loony vill? Or AIBU and totally missing something here??

OP posts:
LunaLoveg00d · 30/06/2016 07:40

The people saying that work is work, im sorry but it's 10 minutes!

Bet you wouldn't be saying the same thing if your SIL worked in a supermarket or hospital and you were expecting her to accommodate your child sitting in the corner with an iPad for "just 10 minutes". Working is working, wherever the location. Anyway, you appear to have resolved the situation now but it's hardly surprising that you are in conflict with your SIL when you have so little respect for her working at home.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 30/06/2016 07:44

Glad you've been able to sort out the childcare for today - best of luck with the interview. I hope you get the job after all of this!!! #FingersCrossed

As for what you say to your brother if/when he gets in contact with you again today, I think clicknclack has got the right jist of the message but I'd edit it ever so slightly to be:
"I'm extremely hurt that you were not willing to figure out a way between the two of you to help me out today, for what was essentially 10- 15 mins max of an overlap of time, especially as I've really tried hard to help you out and be there for you guys as much as possible. This afternoon was really important to me so please don't ask me to babysit again unless your house is burning down or someone has died (to emphasise the emergency aspect of it)".

Then the next time they ask for your help childminding their kids (although it will be hard not to see your niece/nephews) just say no. They have no problems in saying it to you so try it back on them once or twice.

Roussette · 30/06/2016 07:45

I just don't understand why posters on and on put themselves out big time for others when they just know it isn't - and never will be - reciprocated in any way even in an emergency. OP if you can't rely on your DB & SIL for something important like this for 10 minutes, you need to rethink

You say you are a strong believer in helping out family but you talk of looking after their DC for endless days in summer holidays, half terms, days every week, weekends away. To me it sounds like you are being a bit of a doormat. Why so much? Why have you got in the position of them relying on you so much, when you probably know in your heart of hearts they aren't there for you.

DonkeyHotay · 30/06/2016 07:46

Good luck for your interview.

Whilst your sil may have been selfish in the past, I don't think she is here. I'm not sure I've followed the issue properly; I don't understand why your db doesn't take your child with him for pick up whilst his wife works. Sometimes you can change things around and sometimes not

That said, this sounds like a common theme. I'd definitely let you db know how disappointed you are.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 07:46

TheGoodEnoughWife this is exactly how I feel.

LunaLoveg00d I know for a fact that this is not the case with her, she often works with my youngest niece there when she isn't at nursery and 10minutes later when DB gets there he will be bringing my niece. I 100% don't think she sits around watching tv all day. She works very very hard BUT she doesn't actually need to do anything.

shouldwestayorshouldwego noooo I don't think so tbh, I don't think she's probably thought about that.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/06/2016 07:50

Presumably brother is at work & can't have Ops daughter before he collects his own from nursery?

I'm not sure about SIL tbh.

She's also working!

Why have they always needed so much childcare?

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 07:52

Roussette I put myself out "big time" because I never thought for one second they wouldn't do the same for me, I know my brother would and has but never for one second thought that my SIL wouldn't and as for your "doormat" comment I am a SAHM my DD adores her cousins and we are very close, I love spending time with them and if I wasn't doing much anyway then I didn't mind. My house is like their second home as was my aunties house I'm not saying that it's wrong if anyone doesn't do this but I was happy to.

OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 30/06/2016 07:52

Absolutely shocking! Your db could have easily took your dd to the nursery with him if you'd dropped yours off earlier.

I would have said something about this last night so the resentment doesn't fester.

Respect is a two way street and they have firmly put you in position. Please put them back in theirs.

Good luck with your interview, you seem like a great sister and I hope you get the job!

clicknclack · 30/06/2016 07:57

You say your brother would but he hasn't. There are many things that brother could have done to fix this. As a couple they let you down.

whois · 30/06/2016 07:59

Good luck, hope you get the job!

SiL sounds like a fucking bitch. Even if she's on a conf call she can still have your DD there for 10 mins.

I think I'd have gone down the jokey route but now id really want to pull DB up on this. Blaming SIL isn't really good enough.

CaptainCrunch · 30/06/2016 08:01

And for everyone saying the op is unreasonable about "10 minutes" she's already explained her sil has form for suiting herself when she takes time off.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 08:03

For those saying that DB could have taken DD with him, he did offer me this alrernative which I declined because he can't come here and get her (he has a meeting just before he needs to leave so wouldn't have enough time) and I didn't want to leave that early or come home and then leave again.

I don't just think the entire blame falls on SIL but at the end of the day he can't force her to do anything. But as pp said they have let me down as a couple when I've really needed them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 08:04

CaptainCrunch THIS!!!!!

OP posts:
CaptainCrunch · 30/06/2016 08:05
Grin
diddl · 30/06/2016 08:07

If they are both working then I'm not sure that there's any blame to fall on anyone tbh.

Maybebabybee · 30/06/2016 08:08

I'm glad I don't work with some of these people sanctimoniously saying "work is work" Confused

I work (or did - I'm on Mat leave) somewhere with frequent from home working and it's totally understood during the day you may need to pop out occasionally - for milk, to loo, to do school run.

We're very productive and everyone works really hard simply as they're so flexible and understanding. You get more out of your employees that way IMO.

Ten minutes is nothing. One could easily spend 10 minutes on the loo or making a tea at the office ffs.

Roussette · 30/06/2016 08:09

Trying you sound lovely and I suppose if you always imagined they would both be there for you, this has come as a bit of a shock. I just think it is so unfair. None of us do favours for others for payback. But if they can't rejig things to help you out, there is something wrong.

(Sorry for doormat comment, I didn't sleep last night and I'm a mardy arse)

MollyTwo · 30/06/2016 08:09

Yanbu I can't believe just this once she couldn't help you out. Good luv with the job.

clicknclack · 30/06/2016 08:13

Hmm, that makes me feel a little differently. It sounds like he was willing to make it work so you could go to your interview but you didn't like his solution.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 08:18

I'm speaking as someone who has worked from home, as pp said you can easily spend 10minutes going to the loo and then making a cup of tea, I'm sorry I just don't see it, if you wanted to then you could do it. DD isn't high maintanace as I said before, packet of crisps and an iPad she'd be fine for an hour. I have never helped them because I wanted something in return, I will never need as much childcare as them as I'm a SAHM but I did think that the few times I do they would be happy to help me out because they want to and as to say thank you.

OP posts:
diddl · 30/06/2016 08:19

What would have been the problem with taking her to your brother/leaving earlier than you wanted?

I do think that your SIL could have helped, but if she's as selfish as you say then I think that it was foreseen that she wouldn't, plus, it seems that your brother could have done it, just at a little inconvenience to you?

Plus she's not the only one benefitting from your help, is she?

diddl · 30/06/2016 08:20

" I will never need as much childcare as them "

Why do they need so much & why is it you giving it?

HSMMaCM · 30/06/2016 08:22

I would have dropped off early, gone to where the interview is early and found somewhere to have a relaxing cuppa or something. You would arrive at the interview chilled and ready for anything.

I would not be rushing to bail out SIL in future though.

trafalgargal · 30/06/2016 08:26

It does sound like you want your brother to do it exactly to suit you and you aren't willing to compromise.

I work permanently from home and I can't have child noise in the background at all and if caught out its gross misconduct and people have got sacked for it so depending on exactly what your SIL does and is due to be doing at that particular time she may be entirely reasonable. Not all WFH jobs are dossy little jobs where you can pop out for milk or nip out whenever it suits you. I have days when I can work stuff like that in ,other times when it's impossible due to how busy I am of if I have conference calls scheduled. People don't always get it though and I had to retrain family and friends to understand that when I'm working it's as if I'm not there (might have over done it as DS decided not to tell me a tree had caught fire in my front garden and flames were licking around the front door one time until I got off a call)

clicknclack · 30/06/2016 08:27

I've worked from home too and while there were times I could have done most things so long as I got my hours in, there were also times where I couldn't have looked after a child and my son went across the road to his friend's house... and this was a child who was a year older and used to mummy not being very available from time to time and amusing himself and I still couldn't do what I was doing with him there, iPad or no iPad.

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