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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuming at SIL!!!!!!

248 replies

Tryingtostayyoung · 29/06/2016 22:01

Omg I'm so angry right now so I'm not sure if I'm totally overreacting.

I have one DB, he has his shit moments but on the whole we are extremely close, our DC all go to the same school/nursery and he is a part time SAHD and I'm a SAHM so we see each other quite abit especially as my DD and his youngest are in the same class.

Their eldest DS is 10, since he was born I have provided endless childcare which practically doubled when their DD was then born. I'm talking atleast once a week but normally more and half terms, summer holidays can be days on end, when they go on weekends away etc etc you get the picture. Don't get me wrong I love seeing them BUT I also am a strong believer in helping out family where you can and childcare is something that they've always needed help with and something i can do.

I hardly ever need childcare for my own DD, maybe once every 3months for a couple hours here or there and sometimes I'll just ask my DP or MIL so it's literally virtually ever that I ask DB and SIL. I have an interview tomorrow which I am so excited about I can't even explain, it's for one day a week doing what i love.... Now the bit I'm fuming about, I asked DB to look after DD for me but the issue is he will be getting home 10mins after I would need to leave his house, I asked if SIL will be at home as I know she has been WFH lately and he said she may be and will let me know. He has text me tonight informing me that SIL isn't sure how busy she will be and will let me know in the morning Hmm we are talking about literally 10MINUTES after all the childcare I have provided to them and she is making a fuss over 10MINUTES??? Am I in loony vill? Or AIBU and totally missing something here??

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 30/06/2016 00:57

I would be 'probably busy' next time they wanted to use me for free childcare.

There are givers and there are takers in life. Takers need a wake up call every so often.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 04:37

I've just read through these messages and it's good to feel like I'm not just being dramatic. Thankfully I've woken up this morning with a message from my lovely DM saying that she's shifted her work around and she will come to mine and look after DD. My DM is very close with my DB so sometimes looks at things through rose tinted glasses but she seems very angry at them both. She unfortunately has witnessed my SIL selfishness often but we have both kept quiet. I will have to say something because I'm very upset. I think the way I will go with this is is that he will call me today because I never replied last night and when he does i will tell him not to worry I've sorted other arrangements but that the next time he needs me to help out and it doesn't suit me I won't be moving anything around or doing anything i don't want to, as someone mentioned before free childcare in family is great as long as it works both ways.

OP posts:
user1465823522 · 30/06/2016 05:47

you're being unreasonable and a bit bratty with it too. ten minutes might sound like nothing, but ti's ten minutes that you still don't have childcare. I understand that you have provided free childcare for them, and I can understand wanting them to help you out in reponse. But that is entirely differnent to expecting them to rearrange their own working patterns to suit you.

JennyBunn · 30/06/2016 06:05

Glad you're sorted OP. Good luck with you interview!

OliviaBenson · 30/06/2016 06:32

To be honest you should be as cross with your brother. I'm not sure why he can't pick his dd up earlier so he is home.

Take this as a warning that you won't be able to rely on them for childcare for when you are working.

Good luck with the interview.

chanie44 · 30/06/2016 06:35

I would be upset too if I were you OP.

Friolero · 30/06/2016 06:45

I'm glad you've got it sorted now, your DM sounds lovely.

I certainly wouldn't be so helpful with childcare for your DB and Sil from now on. I know there are plenty of people saying working from home means she has to work, but seriously she can't take 10 minutes out of the day to help out?! If she really is that busy she could just plonk your DD in front of the tv for 10 minutes.

Honeyandfizz · 30/06/2016 06:53

Sounds like they are takers, next time they need a favour remember your reply. NO! They rely on you far more than the other way round.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 07:07

The people saying that work is work, im sorry but it's 10 minutes!! She doesn't even need to do anything!! Let her sit with her iPad, she'll be happy... As I've said before I've known her to take time out to gets blowdry, pop to the shops, personally I think it's very selfish

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 30/06/2016 07:17

You do right to not ask or help again.

MsJamieFraser · 30/06/2016 07:24

I think your BU to take it out in your brother, he needs to pick up his own child, and you cannot take it out on him, your SIL is another matter however.

Favouritethings · 30/06/2016 07:27

Good luck for the interview!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 30/06/2016 07:28

You are completely justified to feel pissed off. It is only ten mins and there probably is flexibility from her work to accommodate that.
Unfortunately when you constantly give like you have sometimes people just get used to that and forget that you are doing them a favour. It just become their 'right' and they lose sight of what you are doing for them.

I think next time they ask you to look after their dc you should be a bit more unavailable. Some difficulty for them is required to help them remember that you actually are helping them out and that should work both ways.

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 07:28

MsJamieFraser I'm not going to take it out on my brother, at the end of the day I understand he can't force her but I won't be used and that's how I now feel

OP posts:
clicknclack · 30/06/2016 07:31

I think I'd say "please don't ask me to babysit again unless it is an emergency. I'm extremely hurt that you weren't willing to figure out a way between the two of you to help me out when I've really tried hard to help you as much as possible. This was really important to me."

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 30/06/2016 07:32

In future you babysit for your DB's convenience and not to enable her.

clicknclack · 30/06/2016 07:33

but Trying, like others have said, he could have taken DC out of nursery for the day, collected early from nursery, taken your child with him or any number of other options.

Mellowautumn · 30/06/2016 07:33

Do the rest after you interview - you don't want to deal with it before - do try and update us on interview and response to text though :) x

icelollycraving · 30/06/2016 07:36

Any chance she's worried that if you get a job,you won't be as available for them?!
She's taken the piss & would tell them so too.

LunaLoveg00d · 30/06/2016 07:36

Two issues here. One is that you feel that you are doing lots to help your brother, and that this is not being reciprocated. This is a conversation you need to have with your brother.

Secondly is working from home. I work from home too, and it does irk me a LOT that people think I'm really just sitting on the sofa and watching telly, and can drop everything to go for a coffee / collect the dry cleaning / do the supermarket shop. Sometimes I have the flexibility to do that, often I haven't. If the SIL is working for a company in an employed position rather than self employed or freelancing, she probably has all manner of clauses in her contract about not having children around, a dedicated home office space etc. It might be "just 10 minutes" but if during that time she gets a call from her boss who hears a child in the background, they wouldn't be impressed.

user1465823522 · 30/06/2016 07:38

The people saying that work is work, im sorry but it's 10 minutes!

If i left work ten minutes early, or arrived ten minutes late then someone would have to cover for me - to disregard both your employer and colleagues but saying 'it's ten minutes' is really disrespectful.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 30/06/2016 07:38

Glad it is sorted. Could she subconsciously be sabotaging the interview as it will be more awkward for them in terms of childcare if you get the job?

Original poster
Tryingtostayyoung · 30/06/2016 07:38

JenniferYellowHat1980 this!! Exactly what i will be doing, if it's to help him out then fine but if it's for her like I did last week when she was meant to be at home while my brother was at work and last minute also needed to go into work, in future i will be busy.

OP posts:
CaptainCrunch · 30/06/2016 07:38

I feel your pain op, we had. "friends" like this. Helped them out endlessly, childcare, dogcare, lifts, loaned them our car for 2 weeks. Not so much as a bottle of wine or a bar of chocolate by way of thanks. I was stupid enough to think they'd be there for us when we needed them.
We had to attend a family event which involved a night away in a hotel. I asked if they would have our dog for one night and was told "no, it's not convenient" they were perfectly able to, they just didn't want to. I was incandescent with rage and swiftly withdrew all our support. She had a cheek to ask to borrow our car a few weeks later and I took great delight in telling her it "wasn't convenient".

ChallyCreaks · 30/06/2016 07:39

She's pissed off because you're going for a job and that will mess up her childcare plans.

Good luck and I hope you get it.

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