Should my dd have the label of 'abuser' then? Because being on the receiving end of that feels like abuse, and I found it deeply traumatising. Or is abusive behaviour only something adults can do?
I was just trying to think of a way to say this that didn't make me come across like someone who condoned hitting children then blaming them for it.
I don't think that there is a way to explain how you might be driven to that point. It's not the abusers " she asked for it". She did not ask for it, she did not deserve it, and it was wrong to do so.
But likewise, it's not the case of you choosing to hit. It really isn't about choice at all. It's about breaking inder the strain and losing contact with reality. As I said, I managed not to hit, but I do not think that I hold the moral high ground because of it. I think I was lucky.
So, some people saw the OP , and saw the mother as a monster. Other people, at a different time and place, saw my description of what was happening with my daughter, and saw her as a monster. Those people might read this OP and see this daughter as one.
I just see a family on the brink of endurance. Yeah, the mother should not have hit. I think she knows that. She is asking for help. Some 60 or 70 years ago, a bunch of mother struggling with children who did not bond with them, did not communicate with them, refused physical contact and exhibited violent rages at times, went to ser a US doctor called Kanner. He identified these children as suffering from a previously not described condition, and called.it autism. He then looked at these mothers and decided that the fact they had no bond or affectionate relationship with their children as the cause of their condition.
These women were, dismissively, labelled "refrigerator mothers". Now we know - well, most people.do- that what he was looking was the effect of the condition.
So, when I say that the mothers weren't to blame, am I blaming the children ? No. I am blaming the autism, the lack of understanding of it, and the lack of information and knowledge how to parent appropriate to children who had it.
So, when I say I understand that there are certain situations where a mother might indeed feel like smacking an 11 year old child after years of trying to deal with child's extremely challenging behaviour, I am not blaming the child. I am blaming whatever it is that makes the child hurt, that stops her communicating with her family effectively, and the lack of knowledge and understanding that stops the mother from understanding what this is and how to help it.
Of.course, if you see the child's behaviour as the ordinary mouthiness of a stroppy pre teen, then you will think both me and this mother are twunts.
But if.you lived through what mini and I, and our daughters lived through, you might find it in yourself to empathise.
I hate saying this, because it makes so many people think that I am either flippant or ridiculously overdramatic, but there isn't any other way of putting it across - for me, watching The Exorcist is like watching a ddocumentary with some special effects and supernatural mumbo jumbo thrown in.
In real life though, there is no demon that departs and leaves you with your sweet little daughter. In real life, it was your daughter all along and you have to help her learn how to deal with her demons and keep them from taking over.
Good news is, it can be done. Bad news is, you will go to hell and back in the process.