children do not this because they hate us, or because they are evil. They do it because they are hurting and want us to help.
Exactly. I really believe that when anyone lashes out, old or young, it is usually because they are unhappy and in pain. It sounds like your DD is struggling with how to deal with her emotions. I was very similar when I was a young teen. When something didn't work out the way I wanted I didn't know how to deal with it, and I remember ruining whole days because once I had lashed out and caused trouble I didn't know how to get out of the cycle. I often found it hard to back down and say sorry, so instead pretended that I wasn't sorry and followed through with the disruptive behaviour. It's difficult for me to explain but what I'm trying to say is that it wasn't because I was evil and seriously wanted to hurt everyone around me, it was just because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions and once I had handled things in the wrong way i.e lashing out/shouting/being rude, I didn't know how to say sorry and move on, so I felt I had to carry on the bad behaviour. You, as my mum did, are seeing this behaviour as 'evil' and deliberate, seeing your DD as someone who is out to wreck your life rather than someone who is hurting and needs your help and love.
She is your daughter! You should love her unconditionally no matter what and you should make sure she knows this. Making comments about her personal grooming/dress sense just implies that you are judging her which will make her feel terrible. You should be constantly reaffirming to her that she is beautiful and loved, and you certainly shouldn't be hitting her. You are treating her like a problem, like someone who is ruining your life.
Although I know my mum loves me, she often made me feel this way when I was growing up. Although I wasn't as bad as your DD I did suffer with anxiety and I was often very rude and horrible to her (although I do think this is normal for teenagers) and I can relate to your DD's behaviour in terms of ruining days out. My mum often made me feel that I hadn't lived up to her expectation of what having a child would be like. She did this by making comments like yours, in fact you sound quite like her. She constantly focused on how I affected her, how my actions and even my issues with anxiety made things difficult for her. I was left with the strong impression that she saw me as a problem and I was a disappointment. That is a horrible feeling and that is how you risk making your daughter feel. The attitude you express in your post seems similar to the one I have described, in particular your last comment - "how can you learn to live with someone who hates you?" You should be thinking about how you can help your daughter, not how you can 'deal' with her. She will pick up on the fact that you see her as a problem to be dealt with and this will make her feel unloved and worthless, which will cause the nasty behaviour.
If you take anything from this thread please realise that your daughter is not evil, she is not trying to hurt you, she is not constantly plotting how to ruin your life (as my mum once accused me of doing when I was a teen!) - she is hurting! You can't imagine how horrible it is to feel that your parents look at you and feel disappointed in you.
The only message your child should ever get from you is that you love them more than anything else in the world and you see them as beautiful, no matter what they do. From what you've said, you are giving your DD lots of messages and this isn't one of them.
Now, after that long and harsh lecture I'm going to say that I do understand how hard it is and how you must be feeling. It's not easy to hear that it's your fault. This is something I know my mum struggled with - I suspect this was because she couldn't deal with anything being her fault, which is understandable. But when it comes to being a parent you do have to take responsibility for how you make your child feel. I'm not saying that the way she is behaving is your fault - people can suffer with anxiety and behavioural issues regardless of upbringing. But the way you are dealing with it is wrong. For a start, some of your DD's behaviour is normal for teenagers, and smacking her was an overreaction. Some of her behaviour may be a sign that she needs professional help to deal with her emotions, but what she needs most of all is your love and reassurance that all you see when you look at her is your beautiful daughter. I understand this is difficult when you don't feel that, and you also may need professional help to deal with your feelings.
Like others, I was a bit confused about why you haven't given more information or replied with your thoughts about what's been said. It has just occurred to me that you may be upset at the harsh and frank comments you have had, and if that's the case I'm sorry. You came on here to ask for help and support and I think most people are trying to provide that for you. Please don't feel downhearted at the comments, but maybe try to take them on board and think about what you can do differently. I understand this is very hard and you may need outside help to do this, but at least think about it!
I don't agree with a previous poster that you have "failed your kids". You need a bit of help with how to deal with the situation but that's understandable. You are in a very difficult position and it's often hard to think straight, which is why you need the impartial down-to-earth comments from mumsnet! Please try to take on board the advice and try to see things from your DDs perspective. Fight her nastiness with love! No matter how horrible she comes across, that is what she wants deep down. She may not change immediately or even acknowledge your love, but persevere. It will be noticed, even if she doesn't let on! Remember that it's not cool for teenagers to show love to their parents and its often hard for them. I think it's unrealistic to expect young people to act like fully grown adults who can take responsibility for their actions, consider other people's feelings, say sorry, admit they were wrong, deal with things in a calm and controlled way - she's 11. She hasn't mastered these skills yet and she may need some help. She's not an adult, she's a confused pre-teen - so treat her like one!