To feel this way about my daughter?

[emmamaw]

I'm sitting here crying like a baby over my 11yo dd. I struggle to say dd - as in dear daughter. We've never really been close. Shes the eldest of 3 and often says she wishes she'd stayed an only child. She hates her younger brother (8) and often loses patience and snaps at her baby sister (3). I think she hates me too. The way she speaks to us all is dreadful. I know children are self-centered but she really has no care or consideration for anyone in this house. Every day I wake up dreading what mood shes going to be in. All she cares about is going on the phone/tablet/pc to talk to her best friend and watch videos. I know thats probably pretty normal but if anything gets in the way of that the whole household suffers. If she doesnt want to go somewhere she will purposefully ruin the whole day. We sometimes have to leave her behind when we do day trips etc. just so that the other dc dont miss out. Its like she hates the world around her and wants everyone to know it. Shes always saying she wishes she could go and live with her best friends family, and I truly believe she means it.
This morning I said we would go to town after school, just the two of us, to buy her holiday clothes, as she says she hates what I buy for her and really kicks off if I make her wear them. She shrugged her shoulders and said 'whatever'. Then i found some new underwear I'd bought her hidden behind her bed. When i asked her about it she looked me straight in the eye, and with utter contempt said 'i dont want to wear anything you buy me, and i dont want to go anywhere with you, ever!' I just saw red and smacked her. It scares me sometimes the hate that boils up inside me. I just feel so wretched over her. Shes been like this for years and weve tried everything we can think of. I have great relationships with my partner and other two dcs. I just feel like she ruins everything. She hates me and nothing i do seems to change that. I dread coming home from work and often stay late because I know there'll be trouble as soon as i walk in. I cant live like this for the next seven or whatever years.
How do you learn to live with someone who hates you?

I went to see a practitioner. She was able to put something together that was very siecific to him and his 'problems'.
I have to say they are not nice to taste but I think dc2 did feel the difference and has never been too much of a pain about it. I've never managed to convince him him to have some acupuncture though (sensory issues??)

This sounds like my niece who is 11 and on a waiting list to see the mental health team in our area as the school now recognise there is a problem (she is quiet in school, very behind on learning but keeps her head down - at home is another story completely). She is to see the paediatrician there as they now deal with autism. Apparently very hard to diagnose in a girl - please don't shoot me down in flames - this is what her OT has said. My niece is very far fetched, wont weat new clothes, brush her hair, go on days out, nasty to her sister, blames others for everything else, last night told me she was going upstairs to jump put of the window as her tea wasnt ready when she wanted it. Very over the top and dramatic. Can wail and have a childish tantrum, throws herself on the floor screaming at the flick of a switch, then 2 seconds later is absolutely fine.

Not saying your daughter has anything like that wrong with her but just seemed very very similar to what my sis is dealing with currently.

I didn't read all threads before writing mine, OP. But now I see some other posters have queried autism too. It's worth getting an opinion but in our area it is hard to be referred and then have long waiting lists.
The school had to identify that there was a problem before the GP would refer. As I said, the school don't see the home side of her to have an opinion but she had a new OT at school who picked up some issues that my DSis had been trying to tell school for years

Amy your posit is lovely and really resonates with me.

This is the way I have brought up my children from the start, with Non Violent communication, no punishments and respect.
I became involved with a group of mothers when my first was born, and really liked their ideas.
Using calm to defuse situations, to always look for the positive, to nurture my kids' self esteem and allow them to develop their own moral compass.

Some critics may think this means being an over liberal parent, and that my kids must rule the roost, but it doesn't I have high expectations of behaviour.
I don't punish, I don't withhold privilege I have never used the naughty step.
i could hug these women who introduced me to these nurtuting ways.

For me punishment teaches nothing about the underlying morality of an action. It teaches them to fear punishment, not because they are learning about morality or kindness.
I think that punishment is a barrier to learning about consequences of their actions.

My kids have never been punished at school, they have seen others being punished but have never needed to be punished themselves. Their teachers have told me this.
I wouldn't allow any other adult to punish my children except teachers, but thankfully it has never happened.

Punishment is more about revenge ultimately. Making a child pay for a wrong.

Not about teaching them the right behaviour.

It also teaches them cunning, so they can misbehave and not get caught or lie about it to avoid punishment.
It does not teach them anything about the underlying morality of an action.

boobsy I know many parents who punish who wouldn't allow others to do it. If they send their children to a play date I don't think it is the position of the host to be handing out punishments.

You say we have punishments as adults, yes, but is it threat of prison that prevents you from stealing or worse? I would suggest not. The massive rate of re- offence for those that have been in prison suggest that isn't really working.

We still have consequences in our lives, if we fuck up at work we may get sacked, or a warning , but I don't see that as a punishment, that's simply a boss prioritising the good running of a business.

I don't think anyone has the right to punish a child except a parent or teacher so "being in tune" doesn't really come into it.
If my child were to misbehave at someone else's home I would expect something to be said to my child but it would be inappropriate for any punishment to be carried out.

If you are raising a child to have respect for others then I don't see how they could be thought of as being "out of tune". Altruism and respect are common languages.
i have never explained to my kids teachers that I don't use punishment, there has never been a need.

Another thing about punishment is that if behaviour was caused by, say, autism or mental health, you are.basically punishing them for being ill or desperately unhappy.

I wasn't a non-punishment parent from the off, I had to learn the hard way. The good news is that no matter how late you start, you can turn things around very quickly and strengthen your relationship with your DC.

As.for the rest of the world.being geared towards punishment for.transgression - I think where.people who run their own families this way go wrong is that the rest of the world.does not have a personal, loving relationship with your child. It's quite easy for.most children to make this distinction. So, inappropriate.behaviour at home is worked through at close quarters, but inappropriate behaviour in a different environment has consequences according to (hopefully fair) rules.

I'm astonished and upset by how judgemental some people are being. Living with a depressed and abusive child day in and day out is torture and everyone has their limits. My ds was diagnosed with aspergers and now on anti depressant medication after much soul searching. We have had professional help from paediatrician, psychologist and psychiatrist. Sometimes parenting can't solve everything. Things are better but life remains hard. Look up high functioning autism / aspergers in girls. Lack of personal grooming, and explosive rages are symptoms. Not trying to diagnose but either way, she has mental health issues and the situation is giving you MH issues too. Ask for some professional help and good luck X (and ignore anyone on here who hasn't experienced this and seeks to judge you)

SarW if that is the case here then it's even more disgusting that the OP should assault her child.

I know some friends who have DDs the same age....they can be 'moody' shall we say. However it sounds as if you both need some quality time together and perhaps some counselling. I don't believe you hate her....just that you're at the end of your tether and don't know how to deal with her outbursts xx

fedup being "moody" as you put it is part of the growing up process. Just as I hate the the the "terrible twos" these are necessary developmental stages for children. It;s our job as parents to help children though these transitions. If we can't manage or feel there may be additional problems then we seek outside help, we don't physically abuse them.

My thirteen year old daughter has autism as does my twenty one year old son. I don't punish either of them and haven't punished either of them because they have a disability and the autism is intrinsic to their behaviour so it would be punishing them for being disabled which to me is morally repugnant.
For me I see some markers for autism in OP's post such as sensory issues and difficulties with transitions but attachment difficulties which OP hints at also presents very similar to autism.
It sounds like a very charged atmosphere which, if it is autism, will just magnify any difficulties. I would suggest calming things down, stopping the authoritarian attitude,allowing the daughter control regarding her clothes and hair choices, commenting on every positive no matter how small and avoiding conflict and practising being emotionally warm to her daughter whilst seeking professional advice.
My own dd can be absolutely wonderful but at times of stress she can be hurtful and difficult. I see it as my role to look past the behaviour to find the cause,this week school has been tough so the strops are because of that.If I bit back it would just exacerbate things and it wouldn't let her know I understood and supported her. So instead I give her space to calm down when she gets home, I buy lush bath bombs so she can soak and relax and I've made brownies (her favourite) then later on when she is feeling relaxed we talk about what's really going on rather demanding an apology for her slamming the door stomping upstairs declaring we all hate her because really what she is saying is it's been an awful day,I don't know how to tell you why and I'm angry.

I remember being a nightmare 11 year old. My parents say I hit the terrible teens a few years too early. I had no sense of grooming (vivid memories of a school photographer redoing my tie and combing my hair just so I wouldn't look like a scruff in my first-year school picture!) I used to hate all the family activities we used to do, my DPs used to take us all over to museums, parks, castles etc etc, something I am super grateful for now, but then I hated it and I made it very very clear. I think DM used to just pick her battles and we made it through eventually, we're all now very happy...! There's hope! x

stark you sound like an unhappy 11 year old.

I feel it's important to believe that all children are intrinsically good. it's our job as parents to allow that altruism to shine through. I think instinctively children want to co-operate and please others, it's when they are thwarted that bad behaviour starts.
At various times in a child's life they have a need to spread their wings, to nudge towards being more independent , around two years old, near the onset of puberty, again at 16 or so.
It's our job as parents to help them navigate these transitions and not turn things into a power battle.

i was a difficult 12 year old too, my mother had fixed ways that she refused to change, was authoritarian, smacked me, and struggled to parent me well quite frankly.
I needed support not punishment.

You daughter is showing some signs of Autism Spectrum and I would certainly get her checked out.
The main issue is anxiety hence the unreasonable behaviour, the meltdowns etc. Most children are fine at school, they made their feelings and once they are home boom.I suggest you look on PlanetAutisms Blog page. The info leaflets have masses of information. You could also read the Reason I Jump, it explains beautifully Asbergers. There is also a rare Autism Spectrum called PDA, Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome. Look on the PDA Society website , see if it rings any bells. You can have PDA on its own or with Asbergers, ADHD. Look for the co Morbid issues like Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, Dyscalculia, Irlen Syndrome.
Warning most CAMHS are utterly clueless.
Hope this helps xx