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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give the non-birthday sibling a present?

190 replies

waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 06:51

It is my DS 1st birthday in July, my DD will have her 4th birthday in November so a while away. I was chatting to a friend about what I would get DS, and she asked me what I had got for DD. When I said nothing as it isn't her birthday friend looked aghast and said she gives something small to the non-birthday kids and it's mean to make one kid look on while the other gets a ton of gifts. Is this normal practise? I hadn't even thought of it, DD will join in with his cake/party and 'help' him open his presents of course, but I wasn't going to give her a present.
What do people do on mumsnet? Is it unreasonable for her not to get a gift on his birthday?

OP posts:
Chickoletta · 29/06/2016 17:26

This is another of the things that my MIL does that I hate. Drives me effing crazy.

AmberNectarine · 29/06/2016 17:31

I do it for mine their birthdays are 6m apart and I think it's nice for them to have a little gift when their sibling has a lot.

They've not turned into arseholes as a result and are very sweet and grateful for everything they have. They are also able to understand perfectly well that it's not their day. We have the means, so why not, as far as I'm concerned.

Equally, I'd never judge someone for not doing this, much like any other facet of parenting.

AmberNectarine · 29/06/2016 17:35

I think I started doing it because DS is an Xmas baby whereas DD and their two cousins (who they are v close to) are within days of each other in the summer. As we have a joint celebration for the three of them I didn't want DS to feel left out. For DD I usually just hold one of her Xmas gifts back for DS's birthday.

EnoughOfTheFootball · 29/06/2016 17:44

My MIL was obsessed with this for a good couple of years after ds2 was born. She finally accepted that they don't have to be given things at the same time to be treated equally. Don't do what other people tell you, do what's right for you.

alexandragimenez · 29/06/2016 17:59

I don't think its necessary, maybe you could get the other child chocolate or something like that but I wouldn't go too far buying them a whole present if its not their birthday

Marynary · 29/06/2016 18:18

One of my in laws does this. While it may seem like a nice idea it can totally backfire when they are little. I remember on her third birthday, DD didn't understand that her sister also had a present even though it wasn't her birthday and presumed her sister was stealing one or hers. A fight broke out....

TroysMammy · 29/06/2016 18:21

I don't remember my mother doing this with me and my sister but then again our birthdays are only 10 days apart. Given that my sister was a whinger when she was little she probably got her present 10 days early. We never had much for birthdays as they are in January.

dizzyfucker · 29/06/2016 20:52

I remember a friend at school whose little sister always got a gift on my friend's birthday. I thought it was odd at the time and I'm not sure if my friend got one on her sister's birthday. They had a lot of toys and it was always fun going to play at their house.

I've never done it, it would be a nightmare. I have 4 children so we have enough junk already.

SabineUndine · 29/06/2016 21:26

When he was very small my younger brother got a gift on my birthday because he was a spoiled brat and the favourite my mother didn't want him making a fuss about being left out. I certainly didn't get anything on his birthday.

RubbleBubble00 · 29/06/2016 21:55

Do t get this at all myself though I have friends who do it. One of friends children had a full on tantrum when she forget sibling present one year - madness

AbernathysFringe · 29/06/2016 22:36

Oh balls, how will anyone ever get through life if they have their jealously pandered to all the time?

Shouldwebeworried · 29/06/2016 22:49

My parents did this for me (and I think my sister) for a few years when we were small. There is almost 4 years between us. We would get a very small "un-birthday" present and dsis also did for my nephew who is 3 yrs older than his brother.

We liked it and it was fun to have something to distract us from the other's gifts on the day.

If you don't feel it is necessary or something you want to do for your dc don't worry about it but it's not (imo) a bad thing.

LittleCandle · 29/06/2016 22:58

MIL did this, despite me asking her not to. She did give in on giving them gifts on my and XH's birthdays, but then announced I wouldn't be getting anything since I wouldn't allow the kids to get anything. As she had never got me anything for my birthday anyway, I was rather Hmm. My kids never had a problem understanding that it was someone else's birthday and that they got gifts on their own birthday but nobody else did. Children don't need to be molly coddled like this. I think it is ridiculous.

Abetes · 29/06/2016 22:58

For us, it's not pandering to jealousy, not stopping a fight breaking out and not preventing a tantrum. It's just what we do. My Mum used to give me a tiny present on my sister's birthday and I now do it for my children. I wasn't a hideously spoiled child (my parents weren't at all well off and by today's standards would be pretty poor)
and I'm a perfectly well balanced adult with no issues about needing to have everything.
I wouldn't expect anyone else to buy a gift for the sibling of the birthday child but equally one £5 gift won't create a spoiled child or an emotionally disturbed adult.

NataliaOsipova · 29/06/2016 23:02

AmberNectarine my sentiments exactly. In reply to another poster, no - of course they don't get presents for every family event and I'd refute the general accusation that my kids are somehow grabby and entitled as a result of getting a small gift on a sibling's birthday. My DCs are very close and share (out of choice) almost everything; as a result, I think it's nice for them to share a bit of the birthday "magic" while they're little. It doesn't take away anything from the birthday child and of course it isn't expected from anyone else. I struggle to see why it's such a contentious issue. If you don't like it or it doesn't work for your family, then don't do it.

Generally we aren't a "gifts" family; DH and I don't bother for each other as a rule and will focus on marking the occasion and I try to do that with the DCs as well. Obviously, with children there are presents, but I try not to make that the primary focus of birthdays/Christmas.

OutsiderInTheGarden · 29/06/2016 23:20

This would never have occurred to me before reading this thread and I think it's an odd thing to do. The only similar thing I've heard of is when parents buy a small gift for a child when a younger sibling is born, which I think is nice, but again not necessary. There's already a lot for children to enjoy on their sibling's birthdays without them needing a present: parties, games, cakes, balloons, etc.

LaConnerie · 30/06/2016 09:49

I thought this was just a thing my my family tbh! When I was young we always had 'unbirthday' presents for siblings - nothing big, just some sweets or something. As such I've always done it to for my DC, and they (and I!) have no problem with not being the centre of attention Hmm

However I would never be 'aghast' if somebody else didn't do 'unbirthdays' - I would never even mention it.

DeltaSunrise · 30/06/2016 11:04

It never even crossed my mind that this was a thing.

My dc are 17 months apart in age and their birthdays are 5 months apart. If you wanna see sibling rivalry, constant competitions and jealously over who's got more fucking milk in their glass, then just come on over. But one thing they DO understand is that birthdays are for the birthday child.

Ds1 had his birthday in April. Ds2 was just as excited about seeing what presents his brother got and going to the birthday party and seeing/eating cake as the birthday boy was. I didn't need to buy him anything and that is fine. He knows that he'll get the same when it comes to his birthday.

AmberNectarine · 30/06/2016 11:45

Natalia interesting you say your DC are close. Mine are very close too, both in age and behaviour. They share everything, including a bed, so it makes sense that they share a little of their birthday magic, as you say. They don't expect a gift, but they always get one.

It didn't come about due to jealousy - any toy that crosses the threshold immediately becomes communal, irrespective of whose name is on the gift tag!

NeverNic · 30/06/2016 16:08

My mum did it for my sister. The rest of us in my family have our birthdays within a week of each other. She stopped when she was 10 or so and didn't get upset that everyone was getting presents apart from her.

I don't do it for my children or other children we know, with the exception of when there is a new baby, where I will buy a very cheap gift for the siblings.

IcedCoffeeToGo · 30/06/2016 16:20

Can't kids have a lovely time celebrating their siblings birthday without a fecking gift???

My kids are excited for each other, can't wait to buy and wrap presents, write cards all in the interests of making their siblings have the best day.

Jesus Christ.

WankersHacksandThieves · 30/06/2016 16:20

I have two 13 months apart and I've never done this - it's possibly easier in that DS2 only has to wait a month until his birthday and often one of each DSs gifts would be a game or something that they could play together. But, it's one DC's birthday, it's their day to feel special and they each get that once a year so it's entirely fair.

The only way I may have a different view is if you have one DC with a birthday on Christmas day so they always share their day with something else, in that situation it might be appropriate for them to also have a treat on the other DC's birthday.

Lucycharlotte1990 · 30/06/2016 16:30

I have two kids and always buy a small pressie for my non birthday child my eldest is 5 and autistic and really struggles with the concept of others having birthdays so it really helps avoid him getting stressed and freaking out confused and stops my other little one getting jealous on big bros birthday

Saying that it's always a present they can play with together like hungry hippos or a football

insan1tyscartching · 30/06/2016 16:33

My friend did this to the absolute extreme though so if one of the four needed new shoes she'd buy new shoes for all four.If one of them was given something by a friend or relative she'd stump up the cash equivalent for the other three.I thought she was nuts,she thought it would stop any jealousy,the four dc couldn't stand each other regardless.

oldsilver · 30/06/2016 16:39

Back in the early 70s I went to a neighbour's 10th birthday party. We duly handed over our little gift to be accosted by the younger sibling whose birthday it wasn't demanding "Where is my present?" Um... "It's not your birthday I replied, confused, as only a 10 year old could. Younger sibling (at 7) threw an absolute tantrum..."Oh EV-RY-ONE buys both of them presents on their birthday" said their DM. My mother just shrugged and left us there to it. I'm not sure we were invited to another party of theirs 😀