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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give the non-birthday sibling a present?

190 replies

waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 06:51

It is my DS 1st birthday in July, my DD will have her 4th birthday in November so a while away. I was chatting to a friend about what I would get DS, and she asked me what I had got for DD. When I said nothing as it isn't her birthday friend looked aghast and said she gives something small to the non-birthday kids and it's mean to make one kid look on while the other gets a ton of gifts. Is this normal practise? I hadn't even thought of it, DD will join in with his cake/party and 'help' him open his presents of course, but I wasn't going to give her a present.
What do people do on mumsnet? Is it unreasonable for her not to get a gift on his birthday?

OP posts:
2nds · 28/06/2016 09:42

I'm in two minds about this right now because both of my kids are young and I really don't think either of them would understand why one of them is getting gifts and the other one isn't. I've got one of their birthdays coming up So for that reason I'm going to give gifts to both of them. I think I will do this until they are definitely old enough to understand what's going on.

NataliaOsipova · 28/06/2016 09:55

I do - something small and wrapped up for the other one. It's hard on them when they're little. I agree - it's a good life lesson that it's not all about you and that it's someone else's special day. But - birthdays are so overblown these days (often a birthday with the family, a school party with squillions of gifts etc etc) that I don't think it does any harm when they're small. I've found it helps the other one to feel positive about the fact that it's a sibling's birthday and just oils the wheels for a nice day for everyone that the whole family looks forward to. The other one still gets the message that it's about the birthday child and that we are celebrating for that child. To extrapolate to say that they'll constantly expect gifts as an adult is ridiculous!

Nanny0gg · 28/06/2016 10:01

It's hard on them when they're little.

ROFL!

No it's not! I'm old and I'd never heard of this 'practice' before MN,

It never bothered my children and it never bothers my DGC. Their birthday is their day and it should be all about them, not their siblings.

00100001 · 28/06/2016 10:03

Ahh we could flip this whole thought.

Maybe it's selfish to think of your birthday as being all about you? Maybe we should encourage this??

00100001 · 28/06/2016 10:05

2nds but did you struggle to understand about family members birthdays when you were little? Or did it not occur to you to be jealous over someone else having a nice day?

00100001 · 28/06/2016 10:06

and also 2nd do/will your children get gifts on your birthday? What about Mothering Sunday? what about father's day? or on Aunts/uncles/GPs biirthdays? What about when they go to a friends birthday party, will they be given a gift as well?

MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 28/06/2016 10:07

I agree it's not hard on them when they're little. My oldest who is 5 gets excited when it's someone else's birthday and always has done. Not because he expects a present for himself, but because he loves the day as a whole. Putting banners up, playing with balloons, helping to wrap presents, watching people open presents, CAKE, parties, etc... It isn't all just about the presents, it's about someone else's special day and children get excited on birthdays.
It's the adults who over think children feeling "left out" and therefore ingraining hard done by attitudes in to their poor little snowflakes.

00100001 · 28/06/2016 10:07

natalia same question as above

1Potato2 · 28/06/2016 12:55

I'm a twin so never had this issue (although always getting the same toys as each other and never having our own special day or separate party is another issue).

I have 2dc. Different ages. I am in two minds about the giving to the non-birthday child (2nd is under 1). Seeing my almost 3 year old at birthday parties, having been fine to watch others open their presents, I am leaning towards not giving. As others say, it is an important life lesson.

Notthebumtroll · 28/06/2016 12:58

It's completely wrong and contributing to generation entitled. Stick to your guns op!

DramaAlpaca · 28/06/2016 13:01

My parents used to do this back in the 60s & early 70s when my brother & I were small. My brother's birthday was in November & my present always used to be that year's Blue Peter annual Smile

My own DC never got presents on a sibling's birthday, so it wasn't a family tradition I carried on.

bigarse1 · 28/06/2016 13:04

my twins recently turned 3 and my daughter is 5. it was a hard year for her as to her it seemed like all the other children got presents and she didn't but all it took was a whisper in her ear to say that it would be her birthday before to long and that she would get presents and that I knew it was hard but I'm sure she would get to play with the new toys too.
she was fine - that was all it needed. yes its hard for a child to see others getting present but its part of life and its part of keeping birthdays special

RaspberryOverload · 28/06/2016 13:15

WhatchaMaCalllit Tue 28-Jun-16 07:44:35

I would bring a sibling a small gift on the birth of a new addition to their family and only on such an occasion as there would be such a fuss being made of the new baby brother/sister.
I would not be bothered in bringing non-birthday presents after that.

This is my take on it too, and it's the same with both mine and DP's families.

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 13:21

I think the arrival of a brand new baby is very different. DD got a present 'from' the baby when he came, because he represented a huge change in her life and we wanted to foster her affection for him asap! He has, however, been around for almost an entire year so I don't think she now needs any reassurance from getting a present on his birthday

OP posts:
frenchielala · 28/06/2016 13:31

I wouldn't do this. When I do buy siblings presents is at baby showers or if a friend has a new baby and I am buying a present for the new baby. I think it is nice for the existing children to still get some attention amid the new arrival.

tootyflooty · 28/06/2016 13:49

what a ridiculous idea, only the birthday child gets a pressie, the only time I bring an extra gift is when welcoming a newborn, I would bring a little gift for the older sibling as well. But birthday pressies are for the birthday boy / girl.

Katedotness1963 · 28/06/2016 13:57

We were poor growing up so we're lucky to get a present on our own birthdays, never mind a siblings. The first time I heard of it happening was when we took a gift to my nephew (we live in a different country and have only once been home for the other kids birthdays). We handed over the gift, them my sil left the room and came back with four bags of presents. Birthday boy got one, his little sister got one and there was one each for my boys. It made me horrible and cringe-y, like my kids were muscling in on their cousins day.

strawberrysalsa · 28/06/2016 14:14

My children had birthdays almost exactly 6 months apart and we did 'thank you for being a nice sibling presents' for the non birthday child when they were small. They were token presents, think a bar of chocolate sort of thing.

The children are now both adults and still get each other 'thank you' presents. They get each other proper presents, they are spending their own money, as they like being able to have a way of demonstrating their appreciation of each other.

I was only involved when they were small but they like the idea.

dylsmimi · 28/06/2016 21:49

I do the gift for being a big brother/sister when there is a new baby
But never for my own dc on birthdays - they are still as some pp would say 'too little' but they have managed to cope so far! We make them excited to celebrate someone else's day and to help pass the presents over / put the special tea things on the table etc. And any wobbles remind them that everyone has a birthday and they will have a turn too. Everyone gets a special day when they get presents and a fuss
If anyone has bought the sibling a present we tend to save it for another occasion such as good school report/ achievement etc
DH says his grandparents did the sibling gifts and he once got a far better present than the sibling whose birthday it was!! Grin

altiara · 28/06/2016 22:43

My 2 DCs (7 and 10) now manage it nicely between themselves (with just a little reminder of being kind to each other) and they let the other open a couple of birthday cards and presents with the intention that they get to do the same on the siblings birthday. (can't remember when they started this and it's not a given fact it will happen, sounds good but the sibling starts with their best submissive behaviour before turning into rabid present opening monster!)

Sallystyle · 28/06/2016 22:49

My husband's nan did it once, gave my daughter her birthday present then handed another present to my other daughter. She said she couldn't stand the thought of her being left out Hmm

I kindly asked her to never do it again. I don't agree with it at all.

maninawomansworld01 · 28/06/2016 23:49

YANBU at all. I think this is absolutely dreadful.
Way to go to create spoiled,, entitled , materialistic little brats.

A relation of DW's does this. They have 2 boys and every Christmas and birthday they get a stack of presents taller than themselves. On each others' birthdays they both get presents ... It's just awful and has turned them into truly horrible little children when it comes to material possessions.

They have absolutely no respect for anything, they think it's okay to just pick up and play with whatever they want when they come over . If something gets broken (usually because they mistreated it because they don't value anything), the stock response is 'oh well just get another one'.

Horrible horrible horrible!!!!

clary · 29/06/2016 00:24

Yes OP IMO tis odd.

I agree, when does it stop? I have 3 DC, two with birthdays very near each other - do I have to buy DS1 (17) a gift on DD's birthday 4 days after his? I honestly don't get it.

Reminds me of the time DS2 was on a Beavers sleepover - a pal with same-aged DC said "what are you doing for DD? We are taking [her DD} to an Indian meal to make up for it." I boggled somewhat at the idea that I had to take my other children for a treat every time anyone did anything special - there would be no end to it. Pal obviously richer than me Grin.

IMO it all comes out in the end - DD gets new ballet shoes, DS1 goes to camp, DS2 gets new footy boots, this one goes to a party, that one goes on a school trip... I could not possibly balance everything out or I would never get the ironing done.

HicDraconis · 29/06/2016 01:45

I'd never heard of this until I started reading MN :) my parents never gave me gifts on my siblings' birthdays and we don't give gifts to the non birthday child either.

The birthday child has a day of being special, with balloons and cards and lots of cake, plus gifts and usually a party or friends over for pizza and a movie.

The non birthday child gets to enjoy eating treat food throughout the day, helping with the birthday cake (and licking out the bowl!), helping to choose and wrap presents, blow up balloons and be involved with the fun of setting it all up. I did party bags up until they were about 6 - 7 with bubbles, chocolates and a small lego set and I used to do a bag for the non birthday sibling (and any other siblings of the birthday boy's guests if they turned up at picking up time).

I never saw the point of buying the non birthday boy his own gifts - he'll get them on his birthday 8 (or 4) months later. They learn to appreciate giving to others and making others feel special without everything being "me me me where's mine".

WomanActually · 29/06/2016 02:02

If you buy small token gifts for non birthday child because they are too young to understand why they are not getting presents, do they not seem upset or jealous when their sibling has a toy and they have a bar of chocolate?