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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give the non-birthday sibling a present?

190 replies

waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 06:51

It is my DS 1st birthday in July, my DD will have her 4th birthday in November so a while away. I was chatting to a friend about what I would get DS, and she asked me what I had got for DD. When I said nothing as it isn't her birthday friend looked aghast and said she gives something small to the non-birthday kids and it's mean to make one kid look on while the other gets a ton of gifts. Is this normal practise? I hadn't even thought of it, DD will join in with his cake/party and 'help' him open his presents of course, but I wasn't going to give her a present.
What do people do on mumsnet? Is it unreasonable for her not to get a gift on his birthday?

OP posts:
londonrach · 28/06/2016 08:39

My mum used to do it in the 80s, something very small like a pen, stickers etc but she stopped when we got to 8 ish. Think dsis is doing it for her dc but bet she stop around same age. I remember one christmas due to illness we had christmas day one week late so her dc only had our presents to open. Despite they ages they were as good as gold and excited at each present we got and other family members. I think they enjoyed seeing their grandad (my dad) open his fun present more than their bits!

charliethebear · 28/06/2016 08:41

My parents always did this for me and my brother, just a small present like a book normally. I never minded, my day was pretty obviously still about me and tbh it meant my brother was occupied and didn't immediately want to play with my new toys. Plus it was always fun to compare with my brother what we got and race him to unwrapping etc.
We weren't spoilt and there was no sibling rivalry and we definitely understood that you don't get presents on other peoples birthdays. Its up to you obviously but I think some posters are being a bit ridiculous to suggest that one small present will create a spoilt child.

Floggingmolly · 28/06/2016 08:57

It's been a thing for a while now Confused. No one I know does this? It's a totally ridiculous idea. First we had "everyone's a winner!" sports days; now we have "it may be your birthday but it's my day toooo".
Stop the bloody nonsense now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/06/2016 08:59

I know - children need to learn to deal with disappointment!

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 28/06/2016 09:00

Its up to you as long as it is something very little and clearly not a birthday present (I have heard plenty of stories of non birthday sibling starting to expect presents on sibling's birthday and putting in wish lists...) and you do the same for both kids (my parents did it for younger siblings but not older one who were supposed to magically "understand" - even though younger sibling presents continued til well past the age at which older ones had been expected to have the maturity to understand, which I resented, being the older one!)

I don't think it is necessary at all though and do think it is a bit rubbish if the birthday child's day can't be all about them - it is just that one day per year!

It is definitely better to give the sibling a present of their own than come aver all "I'm a good parent making my child share" and insist the birthday child share their presents with their siblings right from the moment they are unwrapped - in which case the presents are actually presents for all the siblings and not birthday presents at all, and often end up spoiled by younger siblings for whom they are not age appropriate!

CottonSock · 28/06/2016 09:02

My mum did for us and I loved it. However m daughter's will be two weeks apart so I think i won't start the tradition

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 28/06/2016 09:02

Yes its not new - certainly been happening since the 70s ...

Dakin1 · 28/06/2016 09:04

My mum did this and we all turned out OK. Why not show an example of generosity and kindness rather than teaching kids a lesson about disappointment.

KC225 · 28/06/2016 09:07

Ginslinger. Overreaction much? 'imagine these people as adults, throwing tantrums at work' I got a small gift as a 'nice gesture' I can assure you, no adult is throwing a tantrum because they got stickers/pens or fuzzy felt on a siblings birthday. However, I also buy a sibling or siblings a small gift and a card to congratulate becoming a big brother/sister if I am buying a new baby gift, so maybe you are right, it ruined me.

There are lots of people that 'share' birthdays, I have twins. I have relations that have siblings born on the same day but 3 years apart. My godson shares a birthday with his FIL and what about the Children born at Christmas etc. Not everyone gets to be the special snowflake on their birthday.

You do or you don't - no big deal

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 09:07

I'm not going to do it. DS is a typical second baby- he's not had anything new in his life apart from a few clothes, everything else used to be hers! I think it's his special day and I think at her age she can cope! She didn't get a present on dhs birthday recently and seemed okay about that!
Very interesting thread though- I had never head of it but seems quite common

OP posts:
TinyTear · 28/06/2016 09:08

we got a book on the sibling's birthday 40 years ago, so it's not a new thing.

i do it for my children too...

at least it means the non-birthday sibling has something to read while the birthday sibling plays with all the new toys and books and stuff

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 09:08

Dakin she gets plenty of generosity and kindness the rest of the year. We will still be kind to her- she will get cake and to join in with a day out. She doesn't need a present imo

OP posts:
MeAndMy3LovelyBoys · 28/06/2016 09:09

I never do this. My boys all have their birthdays close together anyway, so even more reason not to do it!
My dad used to do it and I didn't like it. Eventually he realised how silly it is and stopped. My exdsd looked quite bewildered when she came to my dad's last year and realised she didn't have any presents on her brother's birthday when we went to visit. She said beforehand that she was excited about getting some presents and it annoyed me because it wasn't her day. Her face was an absolute picture but just goes to show how entitled some children can get. The other boys just got on with it and that's because they weren't old enough at that point to become so entitled. Luckily my dad nipped it in the bud before it got to that point.

ample · 28/06/2016 09:09

'don't want the other child to feel left out and get jealous'?
Yes I would normally agree but sibling birthdays? Hmm
Rather encourage patience and restraint. In turn siblings will have their own special day.

I think it's bonkers tbf. Giving gifts on a continuing basis in order to pacify is what this really boils down to but each to their own.

TheNaze73 · 28/06/2016 09:12

I've heard it all now. Never heard of this before

thisagain · 28/06/2016 09:13

I've got a friend who does this! Another normally sensible person, but we've always thought it was silly. My parents never did it and I'd never heard of anyone doing before her. One year both her daughter's got DS lites!

TheWindInThePillows · 28/06/2016 09:15

It's not just about patience and restraint and dealing with disappointment, or at least it isn't once they are above about 3, it's about making someone else feel special- I take my dd's to buy each other gifts, they make a card, they make someone else special and in doing so, they get a nice lot of attention themselves. Now they are 10 and 12, they love each other's birthdays and help each other plan their parties, choose special gifts etc.

SpringerS · 28/06/2016 09:20

DS has twin cousins 6 mo older than him so on their 4th birthday last month we bought DS a couple of presents. Our reasoning was that their would be 3 children spending the weekend together and 2 would be getting lots of presents and 1 would be getting nothing. And because of their similar age, all the birthday presents would be things DS would love too. I talked to him a lot about in the weeks before to try and prepare him and got him very involved in the presents I'd bought for his cousins and wrapping them and talking about how much we hoped they'd like them.

As it turned out the things we bought for DS stayed in our bags. He was just excited for his cousins to have their birthday. And really, really anxious to give them their presents from him. He was so happy to hand them over and make them happy. It was really wonderful to see how much he enjoyed the act of giving and didn't need to get anything for himself.

dowhatnow · 28/06/2016 09:30

On another note I've heard parents say that they won't go into certain shops because the add on toys there, cause them grief because their children just pester them for the toys.

Ffs just say no to your child. Avoiding places so you don't have to say no is madness.

A child needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve round them. That although there is temptation, they can't have, or share everything, that goes on. Bithdays are just one part of this.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 28/06/2016 09:34

I think it's a wonderful thing to help our DC join in with the gift giving and the plans to celebrate someone else's special day, especially their DSibs.
When I was little pressies were only from grown-ups to us, but with my DC we've helped them to enjoy choosing gifts, and wrapping and card making for their friends and for each other.
As I mentioned earlier we did do the "half-birthday" thing too when they were younger, which coincided with their siblings birthday.

user1465823522 · 28/06/2016 09:36

there are 9 years between me and my brother and my parents used to give a small gift to the non birthday child. but I don't know anyone else who did it

ShelaghTurner · 28/06/2016 09:38

No sibling pressies here. Although my kids' birthdays are consecutive days so they can just about cope with the 24 hour present vacuum. Their birthdays are near Christmas though so we're a bit random as to when parties happen. July is our record!

corythatwas · 28/06/2016 09:39

I always felt wary of teaching dc that somebody else having a good time is something you need compensating for.

Besides, I wanted them to learn what fun it is, as TheWind says, to make somebody else feel special. All the stuff around planning a present and helping to make a cake and organising the party: it is fun to be the one doing the active stuff; it's fun to do things for others.

MaddyHatter · 28/06/2016 09:39

My brother does it, and i have no idea why, it was never something our parents did.

I think its stupid and indulgent.

Its 1 child's birthday, the other one needs to learn its about the birthday child on that day, not them... they get their own birthday.

AndNowItsSeven · 28/06/2016 09:41

Very unfair on the child whose birthday it is , childrenbreed to learn it e writhing is about them.