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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give the non-birthday sibling a present?

190 replies

waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 06:51

It is my DS 1st birthday in July, my DD will have her 4th birthday in November so a while away. I was chatting to a friend about what I would get DS, and she asked me what I had got for DD. When I said nothing as it isn't her birthday friend looked aghast and said she gives something small to the non-birthday kids and it's mean to make one kid look on while the other gets a ton of gifts. Is this normal practise? I hadn't even thought of it, DD will join in with his cake/party and 'help' him open his presents of course, but I wasn't going to give her a present.
What do people do on mumsnet? Is it unreasonable for her not to get a gift on his birthday?

OP posts:
queenoftheboys · 29/06/2016 02:23

I've never heard of this before, and never did it with my four, and never would.

It's an extension of a prize in every layer of pass the parcel, and a certificate or medal for every child isn't it? Because every child has to feel special and important at every moment.

Protecting kids from every negative feeling is not doing them any favours. How will these kids ever learn how to handle minor disappointment? Resilience is a very important life skill, and kids can start learning from very early that it's not always going to be about them.

Helloitsme88 · 29/06/2016 04:07

I would always buy the non birthday sibling a book so they have a small something to open but nothing else. Each to their own but def not something you have to do.

ChipsandGuac · 29/06/2016 04:29

I'm literally reading this thread with my mouth on the floor. I don't know anyone that goes this and I live in bloody NY!

nooka · 29/06/2016 05:02

I usually buy books for birthdays, so I obviously don't see them as some sort of compensation for not having a birthday!

I don't recall my two ever having any issues about celebrating each others birthdays, but then we've also not gone overboard on presents so I expect it's not been particularly terrible for the non birthday child to see their sibling open their gifts. I don't think that it's about learning to cope with disappointments because that suggests there was an expectation in the first place. To me birthdays are about celebrating the person whose birthday it is (plus as a parent I like to reflect back on the year).

MumsGoneToIceland · 29/06/2016 05:55

I briefly considered doing this when my youngest was 1 but am glad I decided not to. Once you start it, I imagine it's difficult to stop it. My children were simply told that it was not their birthday and when it was their birthday they would be the only one getting presents. I normally choose one present to be from the sibling and often get them involved in choosing it and that is enough for them to feel involved and excited. Every birthday my girls are just excited for the other one and enjoy the excitement of the day.

GirlSailor · 29/06/2016 08:17

I didn't realise other people did this. My Dsis is quite a bit younger so when we were kids my mum set up the tradition that the birthday girl bought the other one a present on our birthdays. It was always a small gift as we would choose it ourselves. We carried on under our own steam well into our teens because it was fun and we enjoy buying and making each other gifts.

Helenluvsrob · 29/06/2016 09:48

It never stops and I don't think you'd describe my kids as split and materialistic. At the moment they are students so a consolation birthday pressie might be Lynx deodorant and shower gel and a bar of choc - thry smile ,say thank you and give me a hug - it's a bit of silly , and a step up from tesco value shower gel or what ever they've been using on a tight budget.

I also buy them silly surprise presents when I see them. It's my potty old mum coming out in me.

People do stuff differently.

Kittykatmacbill · 29/06/2016 10:16

I am afraid I kind of do, the other sibling gets a new outfit wrapped up to open, as one dd's is at the beginning of summer and the other is just before Christmas it's quite useful.

TelephonicsSuper · 29/06/2016 12:38

I have a friend who does this but none, I think it's a bit daft actually because theyr're older and don't want for much anyway. Deffo not going down this root with our DC. they get enough stuff as it is i think

Sootica · 29/06/2016 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sootica · 29/06/2016 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 29/06/2016 12:58

My parents did this for us when we were small, and when we were a little bit older, probably 8ish+ my sister and I would split our birthday money with the other one so we could both go shopping together on both birthdays. It was something we started ourselves and we loved it - it was like having two birthdays!

Now I have 4dc, the birthday dc gets lots, the others all get something - either it will be something to use in conjunction with main birthday pressie, so one year one had a sand pit and all the gumpf that goes with it, and the others had their own sand toys to use in it too. Or they will have sweets, or a small toy or something. We only buy for birthdays and Xmas and their birthdays are spread through the year so we tend to give season-appropriate gifts which is handy for us.

starry0ne · 29/06/2016 13:05

I do it for one of my closest friends but she has 3 children..2 are on the same day..I have no issue with buying for one and not the other 2 out of three is tough.. It is also middle child who would get nothing..So he gets a token, a sweet bag, bar of chocolate. so he isn't forgotten..When it is his birthday I do not buy for the other 2.

WhyCantIuseTheNameIWant · 29/06/2016 13:26

I do for my own. Or close relatives.
But only as my dd was too young to understand why me and ds got things and she didn't. (Age 2, me and ds have birthday very close together).
I got her things she needed and would have been given anyway. But it was nice for her to have them wrapped.
And for my niece. We only see them about once a year (travel/school/work. ..)
So we miss her birthday. They all get a present when we meet, which is usually nearest the older ones birthday.

So, for a small child, I would give a token (chocolate bar, colours...) or for a relative I would, but not 2 presents.

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 29/06/2016 14:05

Well, I have to admit I am surprised that this is a bigger thing than I imagined. I literally have never heard of this before and it certainly didn't happen in my house when I was growing up.
Obviously it's horses for courses and it works for a lot of people but DD and I spent a bit of time wrapping gifts for DS while he was napping and making him a card with some interesting drawings on .... She is really excited about it and I really don't think giving her something is going to be necessary. If she has a tantrum (unlikely, they're rare for her) then I'm afraid she's just going to have to have one, it's not her birthday!

OP posts:
mirime · 29/06/2016 14:42

My sister and I used to have small token presents on each others birthdays. I always liked picking out something for my sister on my birthday. Nobody else did though.

I think it started off as a way of preventing me as the eldest from being jealous, but it was my sister who turned out to be the more jealous one despite the stereotypes.

mrsmortis · 29/06/2016 14:47

My Mum always did this, so I have just continued it with my 2. Nothing big, but the non-Birthday child gets a packet of pencils, a sheet of stickers or a Mr Man book - something like that. I also did it with my DSis's children. Mostly it's about them having something wrapped up to open.

HeartOnTheLine · 29/06/2016 14:47

I always get DS/DD a gift when it is their siblings birthday, they both get spoilt on their birthdays and with them being the opposite sex to one another it is not like they can play with one another's toys.

I'm sure my mother would have done the same if I wasn't a twin.

PurpleDaisies · 29/06/2016 14:49

with them being the opposite sex to one another it is not like they can play with one another's toys.

You aren't serious are you?!

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 29/06/2016 14:59

Uh, Pretty much all my DDs toys will be used by DS. This is just about the last reason why I would buy them something on each other's birthday!

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 29/06/2016 15:06

with them being the opposite sex to one another it is not like they can play with one another's toys

Have you seen the Let Toys Be Toys Campaign Grin Hmm

When I was a child my favourite 'toy' for a long time was my male cousin's meccano set.

People didn't buy things like that for girls in the 1970s generally even if they really wanted one and played with it every chance they got.

I wonder if they still make it? I could probably buy all the meccano I wanted now, within reason of course, I assume it is at least as expensive as lego, which seems to cost an arm and a leg for anything more than a small handful.

HeartOnTheLine · 29/06/2016 16:01

*with them being the opposite sex to one another it is not like they can play with one another's toys.

You aren't serious are you?!*

DS is 6 and DD is 4 DS likes mostly Lego and Cars and DD likes Dolls and Sylvanian families, DS is not interested in his sisters toys and DD is not interested in her brothers toys, I wouldn't encourage the both of them to.

OhGood · 29/06/2016 16:28

I do this. It's had no effect whatsoever on them in terms of understanding that it's not their day and we're celebrating the sibling - of course they understand that. But that's cos all the celebration is not in the presents! It's in the fuss, and the candles, and the singing, and the choosing a special meal, and the bit where I force them to look at pics of themselves as babies and go on and on about how utterly adorable they are.

Wrcgirl · 29/06/2016 16:42

We do ATM, just a couple of pound gift for them, and they are pre schoolers. Think I will stop when older.

TrixieBernadette · 29/06/2016 16:50

My mum did this on DS2's first birthday. But she didn't buy a gift for DS1, she had kept a couple of freebie bits from magazines over the pre josh couple of months, like an inflatable ball, and when he showed a little jealousy (he was 2) she took him aside and showed him it and let him play with it.

But not something we have done since.

Well, apart from the present DS1 got when DS2 was born but that was more guilt that I had given a 19 month old a sibling and got stuck in hospital for four days!