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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give the non-birthday sibling a present?

190 replies

waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 06:51

It is my DS 1st birthday in July, my DD will have her 4th birthday in November so a while away. I was chatting to a friend about what I would get DS, and she asked me what I had got for DD. When I said nothing as it isn't her birthday friend looked aghast and said she gives something small to the non-birthday kids and it's mean to make one kid look on while the other gets a ton of gifts. Is this normal practise? I hadn't even thought of it, DD will join in with his cake/party and 'help' him open his presents of course, but I wasn't going to give her a present.
What do people do on mumsnet? Is it unreasonable for her not to get a gift on his birthday?

OP posts:
Newmanwannabe · 28/06/2016 07:39

I did until they were old enough to understand why their sibling was getting a present. I think about age four, eldest DD I carried it a bit longer until the little ones understood. Was always just a little token though.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 28/06/2016 07:40

I think we had tears once when maybe 4 and 2, lasted under a minute and was for something desirable.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 28/06/2016 07:42

We did this a little bit when they were little, made easier by the fact one has a spring birthday and the other an autumn one, so they were both something and a half on the other one's birthday. But they definitely don't need it when they get a bit older and have both learnt to enter into the spirit of making the day nice for someone else these days.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/06/2016 07:44

I would bring a sibling a small gift on the birth of a new addition to their family and only on such an occasion as there would be such a fuss being made of the new baby brother/sister.
I would not be bothered in bringing non-birthday presents after that.

WaxyBean · 28/06/2016 07:48

My parents did this for us (4) although they were very much token gifts. I do the same for my 2 DC as their birthdays are almost six months apart - MiL and DM bring them unbirthday gifts too.....

GeorgeTheThird · 28/06/2016 07:48

It's important that children understand about waiting for their turn, and also about celebrating someone else. I never did anything for mine when it wasn't their birthday, but having said that, I have two children two years less two weeks apart. So the elder one knew his birthday was coming up on the younger one's birthday, and the younger one would remember having just had his on the elder's birthday.

Having said that, when we were little the non-birthday child used to get a book. (Only a paperback and you didn't get to put in requests. And I don't think they were wrapped up.) I was one of three children and our birthdays are spread throughout the year. So if people feel they want to do something - though I don't know why you would - this sort of token present could be a compromise?

KC225 · 28/06/2016 07:48

I got a small present on my brother's birthday as he did on mine. There is 18 months difference. I remember getting fuzzy felt circus on his 4th birthday and being beside myself with joy. It stopped around 10.

I would have done it for mine but had twins so there was no need. I don't think it's a thing but no drama if you want to its entirely up to you.

dowhatnow · 28/06/2016 07:49

I don't think it's a good life lesson either. It takes away from the specialness of birthdays. It is the birthdays child's day. No one else should share it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/06/2016 07:49

My sister does this. I don't. Our parents never did. I don't see the point of pandering to the other siblings (SN aside) - all it does is teach them to expect stuff all the time. Also removes any "specialness" for the birthday child, because the others are getting "special" treatment too. So in the end no one is special.

And the expense! Shock

I'm not a fan. Children need to learn to let someone else take the "limelight" once in a while.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/06/2016 07:51

O would go with if they can cope, then just for the birthday child option. much easier and the more usual way to do things.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 28/06/2016 07:51

Bloody hell cliff, that's ridiculous! That girl will grow up incredibly entitled if that carries on!

DD2 is only a baby, but not a chance will she get presents when it's DD1's birthday! Neither will DC3 when they arrive.

Birthdays are about the person, not anyone else. Children need to learn that not everything is about them, and they are never too young to learn this!

ChocChocPorridge · 28/06/2016 07:59

We never do this - not had any issues (it's not like the other child isn't going to get to play with whatever the first one got)

Have also had to talk to grandparents about it - just because of the amount of tat you accumulate if nothing else (also see one present, not 5 please - we know you love them, and love buying stuff, but we're drowning in toys to the extent I grab some stuff before they open it so I can donate it!)

Ginslinger · 28/06/2016 08:04

I can just imagine when these people are adults at work and there are birthdays and they're throwing a huge tantrum because they didn't get anything special too. I think it's about diminishing the actual birthday - it's your special day when we all celebrate you but actually we don't because your sister has a present too.

IAmAPaleontologist · 28/06/2016 08:06

My parents did it for us. I remember even as a child wondering why on earth I was getting a present. I don't do it for mine. Dd's birthday is December 23rd so the poor girl has enough trouble with People tending to merge it into Christmas without her siblings getting presents then too! They each get their special day. Of course there is some jealousy and arguing over the new toys but it soon passes.

splendide · 28/06/2016 08:15

I have done this before. When my friend's baby turned one I bought his older (3 and 4) step sisters a gift as well. I wouldn't expect it.

ohtheholidays · 28/06/2016 08:20

We do it for our 5DC but each to they're own OP you do whats right for you and your family and I hope your DS has a lovely 1st birthday Smile

PinkFluffiUnicorn · 28/06/2016 08:22

My in laws try used to bring in birthday gift it took me 14 years of actually taking the extra present away, for them to get it...

Liiinoo · 28/06/2016 08:29

My DM suggested this for my DDs. I thought then and now that it was a terrible idea. I thought the birthday should be each ones special day. The other one would probably feel a little put out/jealous at moments but feeling put out/jealous is part of life. They would still have the fun of visitors/party/special tea/cake or whatever and learn that pleasure is not just about being the person getting gifts. Of course, with my DDs thee birthdays are less than a fortnight apart so it probably made any disappointment easier to deal with.

aprilanne · 28/06/2016 08:30

i always did this just a small thing like a magazine and sweets or maybe a lego figure .probably should not admit this but i still do it even although they are adults .the non birthday son usually gets a t shirt or bottle of favourite tipple depending on age

Xmasbaby11 · 28/06/2016 08:32

It's not the worst thing in the world but I wouldn't do it.

Not as bad as celebrating a half birthday though, as one of my friends does for her 4 yo daughter!

ChocChocPorridge · 28/06/2016 08:32

I like the 'be grateful for what you get' spin though.

I think there's a lot to be said for teaching kids that sometimes they will get something, but it will be less, and they should be gracious about it.

(except that year my sister got a pencil sharpener and we all got proper presents at Christmas. She was justifiably miffed then)

Notso · 28/06/2016 08:33

We always got a small unbirthday presents from my Grandma, my Mum gets them for my DC too. Nothing huge often a book, CD, pair of socks given discreetly.

It's not an expected thing, the DC don't mention it. The birthday child still has a special day, the other DC are still happy and excited for their sibling. It's just a nice thing my Mum does.

My Sister, me and my DC are certainly not spoiled or entitled. We have never had any jealousy or arguing over new toys either.

TheWindInThePillows · 28/06/2016 08:34

I don't like this idea at all- because part of growing up is making other people feel special! So I would invest my time in helping the non-birthday child make their sibling a present and a card and make a big deal of them giving it to them. That way they get their role/importance on the day, but aren't the main event!

Tonis2297 · 28/06/2016 08:37

Ha we are in the same position my dd will be 1 in July and ds will be 4 in November Wink I am buying ds a small present but only because he has asd (among other things) and his understanding of language and situations is very poor and he would probably have a meltdown!

TheresaMarie55 · 28/06/2016 08:37

Nope, its not their birthday so they font get a present. My parents never did it for us and I didn't mind at all. Saying that though we don't get a pile of presents for ours on their birthdays, they always get a main present (something like a scooter) a smaller present like a toy for the younger ones and then a token gift like a book, teddy or DVD. They get lots at Christmas from us and we have a large family so get plenty for birthdays without us getting them mountains. We also have a party for the younger ones and my older stepson chooses between going somewhere like the cinema or bowling x

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