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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give the non-birthday sibling a present?

190 replies

waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 06:51

It is my DS 1st birthday in July, my DD will have her 4th birthday in November so a while away. I was chatting to a friend about what I would get DS, and she asked me what I had got for DD. When I said nothing as it isn't her birthday friend looked aghast and said she gives something small to the non-birthday kids and it's mean to make one kid look on while the other gets a ton of gifts. Is this normal practise? I hadn't even thought of it, DD will join in with his cake/party and 'help' him open his presents of course, but I wasn't going to give her a present.
What do people do on mumsnet? Is it unreasonable for her not to get a gift on his birthday?

OP posts:
EastMidsMummy · 28/06/2016 07:21

The way to raise spoiled children, Lesson 1.

NoahVale · 28/06/2016 07:21

i think its nice

Arfarfanarf · 28/06/2016 07:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sgtmajormummy · 28/06/2016 07:22

The non-birthday child gets a hand-hold and a sway with me while we sing "Happy Birthday".
Plus they're in on the surprises we plan for the day. Nothing like having a secret to overcome jealousy pangs. Your time will come soon enough.

Can you tell I much prefer other people's birthdays to my own?

budgiegirl · 28/06/2016 07:23

I don't do this, although a couple of friends I know do, and my inlaws used to for my kids ( didn't for their own DC when they were small!)

Children need to understand that not everything is about them. They'll get their turn another day. Get the siblings involved, help them choose a gift, wrap it, decorate the cake etc.

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 07:23

I agree that it is nice NoahVale, I'm just not sure it's necessary. She will have her own birthday soon enough and be the recipient of a number of presents of her own! My conscience feels that it's not a great life lesson!

OP posts:
NoahVale · 28/06/2016 07:24

it was just something small

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 07:25

I could get her something small, of course I could. But I don't know why I would be doing it. It's not her birthday it's her little brothers!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 28/06/2016 07:26

Stick to your guns op. You're right.

00100001 · 28/06/2016 07:26

I think it's weird - when do you stop giving presents to the non-birthday person? when they're 6? 7? 13? 18? 45???

DO they have to have presents to open on friends birthdays too?

does everyone in the family get a gift, eg. when it;s DD1 birthday, do the two siblings, the mum and the dad get a gift?

MTWTFSS · 28/06/2016 07:28

We do not do presents in our house, only days out and we do them as a family so we all get to enjoy.

When my parents give birthday presents to my DC, they always make sure it is either big enough to share (such as a large playmobil set) or just get 2 small presents so they both have something to play with.

myownprivateidaho · 28/06/2016 07:29

You're not being u, but my parents did this with me and my sister in the 90s. Only when we were quite little, up to maybe 8, and like pps it would
just be a small token thing. It's not essential, but I think it's a nice way of reminding the sibling that they are valued and not forgotten when they're still at an age when they might find it difficult to remember or process that they have a special day too!

00100001 · 28/06/2016 07:29

Who knows ANYBODY who thought as a child that they were being left out of their siblings birthday celebrations? Who grew up thinking it's not fair that they had stuff and not meeee?

BlackeyedSusan · 28/06/2016 07:32

Siblings get presents here, but they get half of what they would have got for their birthday on each birthday. and birthdays are fairly close.

just what we do. smallest is autistic. was the best way to deal with birthdays without making it miserable for all concerned and getting the birthday child attacked or having to prevent the birthday child getting attacked when he did not have a birthday. he will learn when he is old enough and mature enough to cope. in the mean time birthdays are exciting for both.

wrapping paper is colour coded as well which makes expectations easier to deal with .

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 07:32

She's quite a reasonable girl - I think at 3.8 she understands that she will get her own birthday and her own presents on a different day.
I fear opening a can of worms if I start buying her presents on someone else's birthday. Probably over-thinking this!!

OP posts:
captainproton · 28/06/2016 07:32

My gran used to do this and she was born during The Great War, so it's nothing new. I wouldn't have said my father and my aunt were spoilt children they never had much in life. Gran used to do it for sister and I, I used to think it was nice and it was never anything big just little bits, a bit like poundland stuff I suppose.

sparkly72 · 28/06/2016 07:33

I do small token gifts for the siblings ... They aren't spoiled, we celebrate birthdays as a family, and I think it's a nice thing to do. Sometimes I might even get myself a gift as a reward for making it though another year unscathed Wink

Original poster
waitingforsomething · 28/06/2016 07:34

I can see why this would be a completely different issue with an autistic child BlackeyedSusan

OP posts:
MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 28/06/2016 07:34

This is giving me flashbacks to one of DS's first ever party invites...

One kid threw a complete wobbler because they weren't being given any presents. They'd learnt to expect it from their sibling's birthday.

mininionsteve · 28/06/2016 07:34

My mum used to get my little brother a present on my birthday. I always hated the fact that he got something. It's a couple of days before Christmas so it's not like he's have to wait long for any gifts anyway and I didn't get a present in his birthday because I was "older and understood" this infuriated me. YANBU.

myownprivateidaho · 28/06/2016 07:34

Speaking personally, I don't ever remember feeling left out of my siblings' celebrations. And I am now very close to both my siblings, see them a couple of times a week etc, and enjoy celebrating their birthdays and successes. Giving a young child a colouring book to do while their sibling opens a train set is not not going to turn that child into a monster!

MTWTFSS · 28/06/2016 07:35

When DS1 next has his birthday in March 2017, the new Nintendo NX is due to be released so perhaps this year he may chose a present.

Cliffdiver · 28/06/2016 07:36

Personally I think it is odd.

What is really odd is my friend who duplicates all presents given to her DD's friends (for example when her DD is going to a party) so that her DD has the same toy and does not get jealous that her friend is having a present and she's not Hmm

AlmostStace · 28/06/2016 07:36

DH and I believe that children should learn about turns early on. We've had to be firm with my MIL on this point and told her that anything that turns up for one on the other's birthday will go in the cupboard until their own day.

What awfulness will happen when they start going to friends' parties if you've taught them that they get something on everyone's birthday? You might find they don't get invited to many after a while!

Emochild · 28/06/2016 07:39

My mil does this

Drives me up the wall and has done for 12 years now

She will not listen to the word NO!