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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re letter from religious brother?

175 replies

NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 16:48

I hope I'm including all relevant details and no irrelevant details, while trying to avoid any dripfeeding.

My brother is a staunch Catholic. He wasn't raised deeply religious, he decided when he met his now wife that that way of life was what he wanted. They'll be married ten years this year and have seven children and are, as far as I know anyway, perfectly happy.

This morning I got a letter from him/them stating that soon enough some of the kids will getting to the stage where they will be asking questions like why their aunts and uncles are living with people that they're not married to. And that when the kids ask this they will tell them that it's wrong to live with someone you're not married to 'as it goes against the teachings of christ'. So if any of the kids are a bit 'off' around me next time I see them, this is why.

Aibu to be a bit, I don't know, put out or wrongfooted or something, by this? I don't want to go as far as offended but definitely feel a touch judged. I have another brother who is due to have his first child in about six weeks time with his girlfriend and I'm thinking about seeing if he's recieved the same letter and what he thinks if he has. Thinking about it, all of SILs siblings are from the same deeply Catholic background so I doubt anyone there is living in sin as it were. But there's a PS at the end of the letter that says the letter is being sent to 'everyone'. Btw, everything in quote marks are direct quotes from the letter.

Am I overreacting though? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I'm not being asked to do anything really, I wasn't asked for an opinion or a reply. The letter was meant as a 'heads up' that the children might be 'a bit off' with me. Maybe I should try to see this as I should appreciate the warning. I don't know, what do you all think? What would you do, if anything? I mean I don't think I will do anything, there's nothing really to do. I haven't been asked to do anything. I guess I'm asking would you feel weird to recieve a letter like this from your brother?

OP posts:
littleprincesssara · 27/06/2016 16:51

Yanbu. It's a shame his religious beliefs don't include tolerance.

KayTee87 · 27/06/2016 16:52

You could maybe say to him that the children shouldn't be 'off' with you as surely they are teaching them the love, tolerance and forgiveness that are a more important part of being Christian. 'He without sin'

RedHelenB · 27/06/2016 16:53

Has brother not heard of condemn the sin not the sinner!!??

TheWernethWife · 27/06/2016 16:53

The cheeky bastard - I'd be telling him to keep his thoughts to himself.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 27/06/2016 16:53

I would write back and say that if his kids are a bit "off" with you then surely it's because he is promoting intolerance and rudeness. And then I would ignore him.

ChicRock · 27/06/2016 16:54

I would feel sad that we have such fundamentally different beliefs but very quickly come to terms with the fact that our relationship herein would be polite and distant.

maz210 · 27/06/2016 16:55

I'd take that as quite judgemental and can completely understand your feelings about it.

If it was me I'd reply saying that Christ also taught compassion and understanding towards others and ask on when he's planning on teaching this important message to his kids. As presumably they will stop being "off" with you after he's done so.

Pimmmms · 27/06/2016 16:55

You should have expected it tbh. Because it is IS what he believes and it IS what is taught. I'd just take it as an invitation to explain to said children that not everyone agrees with the teachings of the catholic church if they ever 'judge' you or bring it up with you.

freetrampolineforall · 27/06/2016 16:55

Catholic here. He's full of shit. That's a specialist religious term for people who are full of shit.

noeffingidea · 27/06/2016 16:55

I'd be very tempted to tell my 'brother' to fuck off, in those circumstances.
As you have nephews and neices though, I suppose you haven't got that option. I expect I would carry on as normal with them, and not really engage with my brother/sister in law other than out of politeness and to avoid causing a family row.

Marmaladeday · 27/06/2016 16:55

I am a mardy fucker but I would be sending a letter back telling them not to be coming to see me or expect help or presents from me anymore. For their own good see, so they are not tainted with your sin.

Gileswithachainsaw · 27/06/2016 16:55

Good grief. I'd be fuming. they can surely explain their views about how they choose to live without condemning and alienating those who choose differently surely.

what happened to acceptance.

but I'd probably be telling my brother I'd take my chances with those who live in sin or who are gay, pro choice and avoid churches like the plague over raising judgmental brats who are destined to spend their lives pregnant.

what a nasty hurtful thing to do akd I feel sorry fir the kids who coukd end up so indoctrinated they don't realise they can choose how to live.

Flowers
iklboo · 27/06/2016 16:55

Send him a bag of pick n mix. Because that's what he seems to be doing with the bible.

TheDuchessOfArbroathsHat · 27/06/2016 16:58

Direct the judgemental sod to the latest from Pope Francis who says, basically, that it's time to concentrate on our own Christianity (if we practice such) and stop being so bloody (I don't believe he used this word!) intolerant and judgey.
As for you I wouldn't waste any time being upset or offended by this - he's talking nonsense but you can't reason with batshit!

Savemefromwine · 27/06/2016 16:59

I would write back telling hi you completely see he has the right to his religious beliefs but you too have the right to your opinions and if his children are 'off' with you then you will ask them why and state your own opinions.

Also tell him you expect he will be teaching them tolerance and acceptance as you will too.

glassgarden · 27/06/2016 16:59

i think I would accept the fact that you are never going to see eye to eye with this man and just humour him

I would privately file him in the 'religious nutter' category and not expect to get any sense out of him or give much weight to anything he says

it's insulting and condescending imo

SquinkiesRule · 27/06/2016 17:01

What a self righteous arse he is.

dotdotdotmustdash · 27/06/2016 17:03

I would ask him if he thinks his children are going to be a 'bit off' with anyone they meet in their lives who isn't following the same, narrow, religious path that they are?

His children may end up quite unloved and unhappy.

Shallishanti · 27/06/2016 17:03

sorry but I think that's hilarious (and I speak as the lone humanist in a religious family)- talk about pompous! what country are they living in? because SURELY your nieces/nephews will soon realise that many people live with people they aren't married to and that how people treat each other is more important

shockthemonkey · 27/06/2016 17:04

What a plonker. I would not reply. Give him the cold shoulder from now on.

Explain to your children why... and write to tell him YOUR kids may be off with HIM on account of you having explained to them what a plonker he is.

That is, if you have children!

Hillfarmer · 27/06/2016 17:08

I don't think this is a face-value 'heads up'. Of course not. It's a right, royal passive-aggressive zinger, telling you, totally unprovoked, that he disapproves of your lifestyle. It's not enough for him that he lives his lifestyle, he is choosing pro-actively, nastily no less, to inform you of something you had no need to know. That's why it is so wrong-footing. He claims to be all calm and - just so's you know - but really he seems to have launched an unprovoked attack on you.

What you choose to do with it is up to you. But it is not kindly meant at all.

I like WhothefuckisSimon's comment below. Do this and put 'I am sending this letter to everyone' at the end. Then breathe. He shouldn't be able to get away with this antagonism. True he desperately wants to engage you in some kind of moral battle, so ignore anything that comes back. You've said your piece.

I would write back and say that if his kids are a bit "off" with you then surely it's because he is promoting intolerance and rudeness.

bobbinpop · 27/06/2016 17:09

YANBU!!
That's ridiculous. I'd be fuming. I'm officially catholic (unmarried, cohabiting, 2 children, pregnant!) and I think that is a daft way to teach children how to live peacefully in our society. The pope's recent announcements are going in the right direction; your brother is not!

www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jun/26/pope-francis-says-christians-should-apologise-to-gay-people

Mycatsabastard · 27/06/2016 17:12

You should write back and say that you and your partner are splitting up as you have realised you are gay. He may self-combust at that news - problem solved.

I have no patience for this sort of intolerance of other peoples lives. Whether you are gay, straight, married, living as a couple or whatever, as long as you are kind to others and each other, are bring up your own children well then what has it got to do with anyone else?

Cutecat78 · 27/06/2016 17:14

Tell him he should be bringing his kids up to be respectful and polite to everyone and then tell him to fuck right off.

Original poster
NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 17:15

Thanks for all the responses, some funny ones, iklboos being my favourite Grin

Yes, on the subject of religious tolerance - he once took a little Buddha statue from his mother's house saying she couldn't have that around, that's a false god. Fair enough in his own house but I don't think he should take things out of other people's houses. (I won't be writing him a letter about it though.)

I'm glad some people have said they'd be annoyed too, I was worried I was being oversensitive.

OP posts:
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