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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re letter from religious brother?

175 replies

NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 16:48

I hope I'm including all relevant details and no irrelevant details, while trying to avoid any dripfeeding.

My brother is a staunch Catholic. He wasn't raised deeply religious, he decided when he met his now wife that that way of life was what he wanted. They'll be married ten years this year and have seven children and are, as far as I know anyway, perfectly happy.

This morning I got a letter from him/them stating that soon enough some of the kids will getting to the stage where they will be asking questions like why their aunts and uncles are living with people that they're not married to. And that when the kids ask this they will tell them that it's wrong to live with someone you're not married to 'as it goes against the teachings of christ'. So if any of the kids are a bit 'off' around me next time I see them, this is why.

Aibu to be a bit, I don't know, put out or wrongfooted or something, by this? I don't want to go as far as offended but definitely feel a touch judged. I have another brother who is due to have his first child in about six weeks time with his girlfriend and I'm thinking about seeing if he's recieved the same letter and what he thinks if he has. Thinking about it, all of SILs siblings are from the same deeply Catholic background so I doubt anyone there is living in sin as it were. But there's a PS at the end of the letter that says the letter is being sent to 'everyone'. Btw, everything in quote marks are direct quotes from the letter.

Am I overreacting though? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I'm not being asked to do anything really, I wasn't asked for an opinion or a reply. The letter was meant as a 'heads up' that the children might be 'a bit off' with me. Maybe I should try to see this as I should appreciate the warning. I don't know, what do you all think? What would you do, if anything? I mean I don't think I will do anything, there's nothing really to do. I haven't been asked to do anything. I guess I'm asking would you feel weird to recieve a letter like this from your brother?

OP posts:
HostaFireandIce · 27/06/2016 19:01

Did this really happen? I know and am related to loads of very staunch Catholics and not one would even dream of such a thing.

For the most part, I would agree, but I do know a Catholic couple who won't let his brother into their house, not even a foot through the front door, because he lives in sin with his partner. They're definitely around, these people.

cozietoesie · 27/06/2016 19:02

I was once told a story about W.E. Gladstone. (Sadly, I cannot vouch for the truth of it.) Apparently, he was a religious zealot (as well as a parliamentarian) and in later years, lived with his sister who was not a fanatic. It was not a happy living situation because he was a royal PITA and she used to steal the insides of some of his (many, many) theology books to wipe herself after using the toilet. Hooting and giggling all the while.

I always thought that that was harsh - but quite understandable! You might wish to tell a version of this story to your brother. Grin

Original poster
NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 19:06

It happened alright.

zzzzz all the children are homeschooled. The ones of school age, that is.

OP posts:
dailymaillazyjournos · 27/06/2016 19:19

Flipping heck! That is priceless Shock. No YANBU!

aprilanne · 27/06/2016 19:28

i was brought up a baptist .i am married but that was my choice i could ,nt care less what other folk do .one of my sons lives with his partner and children .it is because of folk like your brother that we have so much intolarance .especially to the lbgt community .we should all do what ever makes us happy live in sin heck marry a pot plant if it makes us happy who cares

Shallishanti · 27/06/2016 19:30

If the children are homeschooled I think I'd be a bit more concerned as they will have limited exposure to different ways of thinking. As a PP said, it would be good for them to have an aunt they can talk to and get advice from, so keep communication open for their sakes/

VertiginousOust · 27/06/2016 19:31

I was brought up Catholic and sadly, I'm not in the least bit surprised by this. My family are/were the biggest bunch of judgemental hypocrites you'd ever meet. My grandad wouldn't come to my wedding because we didn't marry in church (needless to say I'm a staunch atheist now).

I really think you should send him your message that you will continue not to judge him or his lifestyle.

aprilanne · 27/06/2016 19:40

my grandmother on my mothers side was brought up a strict catholic .my grandad a baptist when they married her sister did not speak to her for over 40 years because of this she used to say my mum and her brothers were all bastards .they only made up when they were both elderly woman what a waste of a sisterly relationship .i do not think most modern catholic people have that thinking so not slagging of the religion in any way but you will always get a few

VestalVirgin · 27/06/2016 19:48

I'd reply with the deeply passive aggressive.

This is awesome. Grin

I think I'd so something like that - not really fair to refuse to see the children, it is not their fault, after all, and perhaps they won't act any different.

I am actually not even sure that anything in the Bible bans relationships between two unmarried people. I mean, it is not adultery, obviously, so ...

BoatyMcBoat · 27/06/2016 19:50

Sadly, it's the teachings of the Catholic Church, not of Christ himself. I come from a Catholic family, and married dh in a register office. I have at least one aunt who thinks that dd was conceived in sin, and dh and I are not actually married. They're perfectly nice to us, well one can be a bit snide once in a while. Frankly I don't care what their view is as it doesn't really have any effect.

I'd completely ignore the letter, and behave exactly how you always do. It makes not a jot of difference to you.

coldcanary · 27/06/2016 19:50

I can sympathise, at my wedding I found out that my staunchly Catholic SIL had been quietly telling people that her and BIL were 'doing it right' by getting married before they had children and that she didn't really approve of our big white wedding because we had been living together for 3 years. DS was guest of honour at the top table - he was nearly 3 at this point, did she expect me to shove him back up until DH put the ring on my finger?
It's never been directly mentioned but I made sure that word got back to her of our disappointment in her attitude - to be honest I didn't feel I could be comfortable around her for a while and I suspect it showed. Even my vicar friend congratulated us when we were expecting DS, he might not have approved, he might have gone home and prayed for our souls but it never once showed in his attitude to us or DS. That's a true Christian.

MsGus · 27/06/2016 19:52

It is their belief and what the Catholic Church and many other Christian religions teach. You want your views on the matter respect but show intolerance with his views?

They have every right to share their religious beliefs with their child. You are living in sin according to his religion and indeed the Bible. The Bible teaches compassion, etc but does that mean it does not at the same time condemn sin?

By the way I am ex-Catholic but still supportive of a lot of their beliefs.

UnderCrackers5 · 27/06/2016 19:54

I would write back.
'Dear brother
thanks for the heads up. I have some reciprocating news for you.
My children have been brought up to be loving, accepting and tolerant. They may not share your faith but understand and are happy for you in your commitment. This may go some way to explain why they will be so happy to see you next time we meet, why they will be so overjoyed to see you. Just thought you should be forewarned'

Original poster
NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 20:04

but show intolerance with his views?

I do? Hmm

I didn't realise I was intolerant of his views. I don't agree with them but I have never expressed any disapprovement. I don't disapprove. I've only ever expressed happiness at his wedding, children's birthdays, Christmas etc. It never concerned me how he lived his life as long as he was happy. Even if it's not a life I'd choose.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 27/06/2016 20:05

You're providing a positive service to them, OP.

Where would they be without some sin to enjoy in their life? Grin

DoctorTwo · 27/06/2016 20:08

Send him by Dead Kennedys.

Or if you really want to fuck them off {{ Chapel Of Ghouls]] by Morbid Angel.

But that's jusr my opinion

Anaffaquine123 · 27/06/2016 20:20

You sound lovely OP and have better values than your self-righteous sounding brother. I'm not surprised you are hurt. I would be too.
I would confer with your other brother how you will both respond. Your mum should definitely get a new Buddha!
I feel sorry for his kids as they will be under so much pressure as they grow up to conform to their parents' religious beliefs.

bearhug · 27/06/2016 20:22

As my old Gran used to say: some people are so religious that they forget to love their neighbours.

bingolittle · 27/06/2016 20:25

If he thinks that living together without being married "goes against the teachings of Christ", he is factually wrong. There is no record of Jesus saying anything at all like this.

Your brother should try actually reading the teachings of Christ. It sounds like he's going against a lot more of them than you are.

BeckyMcDonald · 27/06/2016 20:29

I'm a Catholic and so are all my family. This kind of bollocks hasn't been spouted from any decent pulpit since the 1970s. I don't know where he's getting it from but he sounds like some kind of zealot.

Are you sure he's not one of this type of 'Catholics'

VoyageOfDad · 27/06/2016 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shouldwestayorshouldwegonow · 27/06/2016 20:35

living in sin

Sounds like fun.

Arfarfanarf · 27/06/2016 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IonaNE · 27/06/2016 20:58

Instead of all the misinformation here, can I suggest the actual teaching of the Catholic Church?

Baconyum · 27/06/2016 21:08

I'd be asking him about the following

Did he sleep with his mrs before they married? If so did they use contraception?

Has he consecrated his home properly?

Attend mass at least daily? Attend EVERY Sunday unless he has very good reason?

What medications and surgery has he had since becoming catholic? Or his family has?

Fish the only meat in the house on Fridays?

No frivolous labour or condoning of frivolous labour on Sundays? So no tv/radio on, no music or games played?

Does he play fantasy world games? (Wow or dungeons and dragons)

Does he fast before communion/Eucharist?

Does he do the lottery? Drink to excess ever? Overweight? Smoke?

Does he commit time to charitable causes (it used to be min 8 days a year)

Oh and it's a sin to attack (intentionally hurt) others verbally - that includes letters of the type he sent!!

Hurting siblings is also a sin as it dishonours parents

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