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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu re letter from religious brother?

175 replies

NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 16:48

I hope I'm including all relevant details and no irrelevant details, while trying to avoid any dripfeeding.

My brother is a staunch Catholic. He wasn't raised deeply religious, he decided when he met his now wife that that way of life was what he wanted. They'll be married ten years this year and have seven children and are, as far as I know anyway, perfectly happy.

This morning I got a letter from him/them stating that soon enough some of the kids will getting to the stage where they will be asking questions like why their aunts and uncles are living with people that they're not married to. And that when the kids ask this they will tell them that it's wrong to live with someone you're not married to 'as it goes against the teachings of christ'. So if any of the kids are a bit 'off' around me next time I see them, this is why.

Aibu to be a bit, I don't know, put out or wrongfooted or something, by this? I don't want to go as far as offended but definitely feel a touch judged. I have another brother who is due to have his first child in about six weeks time with his girlfriend and I'm thinking about seeing if he's recieved the same letter and what he thinks if he has. Thinking about it, all of SILs siblings are from the same deeply Catholic background so I doubt anyone there is living in sin as it were. But there's a PS at the end of the letter that says the letter is being sent to 'everyone'. Btw, everything in quote marks are direct quotes from the letter.

Am I overreacting though? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I'm not being asked to do anything really, I wasn't asked for an opinion or a reply. The letter was meant as a 'heads up' that the children might be 'a bit off' with me. Maybe I should try to see this as I should appreciate the warning. I don't know, what do you all think? What would you do, if anything? I mean I don't think I will do anything, there's nothing really to do. I haven't been asked to do anything. I guess I'm asking would you feel weird to recieve a letter like this from your brother?

OP posts:

PlymouthMaid1 · 27/06/2016 17:36

Brainwashing children is unattractive. Surely the answer your brother should give is along the lijnes of 'some people do not believe in God and so marriage is not an essential part of living together...' Tosser

HomeThoughtsFromABroad · 27/06/2016 17:37

Not sure that the direct (Gospel message) teachings of Christ say anything about official marriage?? Tolerance, not judging or throwing the first stone and loving your neighbour as yourself are central to the teachings though.

Teachings on the marriage institution are very much a religious / church /social structure thing and they derive from things written later on in New Testament (after Christ).

Not sure if Christ was a 'Christian' in terms of its teachings as often presented or projected.

Does it also mean his DC couldn't stay in your home when they are older and things like that? Or you stay at their's? I've known people who will not host cohabiting couples overnight. His letter isn't asking you to do anything but I wonder what the implications are .... would definitely feel off about letter if I received it. Sad this has happened to you OP

PlatoTheGreat · 27/06/2016 17:37

Well at least he clearly believes in what he is preaching!

Nothing you will say will change his mind.
The best you can expect is for him to accept a call for tolerance but I would actually expect that he will slowly be going NC with you :(
That or that he will be interfering very strongly into your life (as per the Buddha story. I would have gone mental on that one!)

rosiecam · 27/06/2016 17:40

I have another brother who is due to have his first child in about six weeks time with his girlfriend and I'm thinking about seeing if he's recieved the same letter and what he thinks if he has.

This ... with the aim of having a good giggle together over it :-)

I should think his kids are more likely to ask you questions than be "off" with you ... giving you the chance to explain your own views, showing them their parents' way of life is not the only one in the world.

Pearlman · 27/06/2016 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ermmm · 27/06/2016 17:43

I think I would be livid.
How dare he be's judgemental he can teach his teaching and also teach to tolorance of others.

We are a moderate practicing family( different religion) and my family are v.liberal.
I was anxious when my kids were younger and I was teaching them as was waiting for them to turn around and ask but 'aunt /uncle/ cousin' don't /do this '.
I think what helped is we live in a diverse society and I just pointed out that this is a path I have chosen and I would like my children to follow suit( if they want) but other ppl have different views/ religions and all are good.

Now bless my daughter is a teen and does see the differences with the upbringing btw her and cousins and is fine with it. She has never questioned/ doubted her views and respects her cousin( same age) hers. ( they do invite each other to events organised by there religious educators).

ApocalypseSlough · 27/06/2016 17:44

Be the better person and turn the other cheek. Unless his dcs are really sheltered they will know other unmarried couples. In fact I'd keep the lines of communication so they have some sanepeople in their lives.

GWrit · 27/06/2016 17:45

You are being judged, there is no other way to look at it. Clearly your life choices, and not ones which your DB would make, or would want his children to make.

However, although your DB has every right to bring up his Dc however he chooses, he should realise that by taking the path he proposes, he will probably damage his DC's relationships with you. I'd write back asking if that is what he genuinely wants, because its not what you want, and instead ask him if he cannot think of a better way to handle the situation.

saoirse31 · 27/06/2016 17:46

I'd be inclined to suggest as a practising catholic, he looks at pope Francis actions...

LilQueenie · 27/06/2016 17:47

I'd be tempted to tell the kids that everyone has different beliefs and that no one should hate another for them. btw I hate religion. Did your brother ever live with anyone before his wife? point that out to his kids if he did. I get the feeling its all because the wife had strict beliefs when they met and he went along with it rather than perhaps sticking up for himself and saying its ok to be different. I could be wrong but I think you know what I mean. As mentioned he wasn't religious before.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 27/06/2016 17:47

I'd reply with those bible verses quoted area. Plus perhaps a mumsnetter could come up with one about how Jesus loved everyone and treated everyone kindly.

And then add that you are praying for his children and that they develop the humility and tolerance necessary to be a true Christian.

Asprilla11 · 27/06/2016 17:50

I'd say to his children;

"Ask daddy about his special cuddles with the catholic priest"

WeekendAway · 27/06/2016 17:51

Exactly what WhoTheFuckIsSimon said.

Can they actually afford to house and feed all those kids out of their earnings alone? I'd have to have to let my feelings be known on that score if not, and tell him it's socially irresponsible and sets a terrible example to the children about personal responsibility, so he'd better warn the children that if you are 'a bit off' with him and his wife next time you see them, that will be why.

Original poster

NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 17:58

LilQueenie No, he didn't live with anyone before he met his wife. He was quite young when they met, 23, and he'd not had a serious relationship. He didn't really click with the local pub/nightclub crowd. He joined in a bit but his heart wasn't in it. When he met SIL something clicked. I know this from him saying it btw, not psychoanalysing.

OP posts:

Madhairday · 27/06/2016 17:58

Another Christian who thinks that is completely out of order, and he would do well to heed Jesus' words and actions.

Sorry you had to read that letter, OP.

GoldenWondering · 27/06/2016 17:58

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Tabsicle · 27/06/2016 18:02

OH comes from a v Catholic family. They've been nothing but lovely to me and we lived in sin for 13 years before getting married. This is judgmental shite and not required at all.

I'd tell your brother that until he can teach his children courtesy, respect, charity and basic humanity you think it might be better if they don't spend time with your family and all presents will be stopped until they can demonstrate that. And while he's at it, the same goes for him too. What a foul letter to write!

DeathStare · 27/06/2016 18:05

Message to your DB.

Thsnjs for the heads up but I'm sure you needn't worry. Your children have been raised as Christians so although they may experience some discomfort with my lifestyle I have no doubt they will treat my family with the kindness and compassion exemplified by Christ. If they didn't they wouldn't be very good Christians would they?

However in this spirit I should probably give you a heads up. My own children have recently been asking questions about religious extremism and judgementalism. As you know my children haven't been raised as Christians so they may not be as good as modelling Christ's behaviour as your children. I'm sure though your Christian values would not allow you to judge them for this. See you soon

DeathStare · 27/06/2016 18:07

*thanks, not thsnjs

Okay377 · 27/06/2016 18:11

Of course YANBU. If you can, phone him up to explain why you're hurt and query why he sent such a letter. If not, then reply:

Dear brother, thank you for your letter. I believe in the values of tolerance, understanding and family (I understand these are also Christian values?) and if your children have any questions then they are of course welcome to talk to us. It's not something I would otherwise raise as I simply want to be a loving aunt to my nieces and nephews. I practice those values of tolerance and understanding and support and value you as a brother and SIL, as I'm sure you do with us. Love, Naya.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 27/06/2016 18:13

Our Catholic priest baptised our child and only paused for a second when we explained we were non married lesbians, literally a nano second. If he, an ordained priest can do the right thing and not be "0ff" then your rude bro can suck it up too. Sadly this sounds more like mental illness than religion. If it were me I'd arrange more time when you take the kids out for a treat on their own and give bro and SIL a " break"

PigletJohn · 27/06/2016 18:14

Send him a stone that he can throw if he qualifies.

ShelaghTurner · 27/06/2016 18:16

Catholic here and agree he's full of shite. But can we please keep the anti Catholic digs out of it for a change? This is nothing to do with him being Catholic and everything to do with him being a prat (sorry OP!)

Original poster

NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 18:17

Lol weekendaway I know he does have a ft job but I don't know if they get any assistance. Never considered it to be any of my business and it never crossed my mind to judge. So I don't think I would say any of that to the kids, even if it were true (and I don't know if it is) it's not in any way their fault. I'll remain as non judgemental as possible. Because it's more my nature to be non judgemental so I'm not changing that in response to this iyswim. I hope I've explained that properly. I'm not going to judge someone just because they've judged me basically.

OP posts:

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 27/06/2016 18:18

I would either convert to Buddism or possibly paganism and fill my house with associated stuff.

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