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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu re letter from religious brother?

175 replies

NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 16:48

I hope I'm including all relevant details and no irrelevant details, while trying to avoid any dripfeeding.

My brother is a staunch Catholic. He wasn't raised deeply religious, he decided when he met his now wife that that way of life was what he wanted. They'll be married ten years this year and have seven children and are, as far as I know anyway, perfectly happy.

This morning I got a letter from him/them stating that soon enough some of the kids will getting to the stage where they will be asking questions like why their aunts and uncles are living with people that they're not married to. And that when the kids ask this they will tell them that it's wrong to live with someone you're not married to 'as it goes against the teachings of christ'. So if any of the kids are a bit 'off' around me next time I see them, this is why.

Aibu to be a bit, I don't know, put out or wrongfooted or something, by this? I don't want to go as far as offended but definitely feel a touch judged. I have another brother who is due to have his first child in about six weeks time with his girlfriend and I'm thinking about seeing if he's recieved the same letter and what he thinks if he has. Thinking about it, all of SILs siblings are from the same deeply Catholic background so I doubt anyone there is living in sin as it were. But there's a PS at the end of the letter that says the letter is being sent to 'everyone'. Btw, everything in quote marks are direct quotes from the letter.

Am I overreacting though? Maybe I'm reading too much into it. I'm not being asked to do anything really, I wasn't asked for an opinion or a reply. The letter was meant as a 'heads up' that the children might be 'a bit off' with me. Maybe I should try to see this as I should appreciate the warning. I don't know, what do you all think? What would you do, if anything? I mean I don't think I will do anything, there's nothing really to do. I haven't been asked to do anything. I guess I'm asking would you feel weird to recieve a letter like this from your brother?

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 27/06/2016 17:16

I'd ask him to eludicate what the Nazarene himself had to say on the subject of couples living together without being married as he'll be hard pressed to find anything Christ said that can substantiate his position.

I'd also tell him that if his dc should be "off" with me because of prejudices instilled in them by their dps, I'll find it necessary to explain why bigotry has no place in our modern day society.

MrsDeVere · 27/06/2016 17:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 27/06/2016 17:17

As a Christian I think writing a letter like that is a truly awful and hypocritical thing to do.
I don't think there's a way to reply to something like that that will have any sort of positive effect. However, I suppose it might help him to be made aware of the following Bible verses -
Mathew 7 v1
Judge not, that you be not judged
Tell him to read Matthew 7 vs 3 to 5.

Togaparties · 27/06/2016 17:18

Send him details of organisations that can help him with his deap seated mental illness.

specialsubject · 27/06/2016 17:20

Tell him that if those are the christian values of tolerance that he is teaching his kids, you are very sorry for them.

I hope they all shack up in later life and don't bother marrying.

prettywhiteguitar · 27/06/2016 17:20

I would send a letter saying that in that case perhaps it would be best if they didn't visit said people living in sin Hmm what a dick

BerylStreep · 27/06/2016 17:21

You could always reassure him that despite his obvious and unwarranted judgement of you, you will always be available to his children to support them should they ever feel the need to make any disclosures to you.

HermioneWeasley · 27/06/2016 17:21

Write back and tell him you're teaching your kids that there's no such thing as gods, so if they feel a bit sorry for a grown man with an imaginary best friend, that's why.

mrsfuzzy · 27/06/2016 17:22

why does religion cause so much trouble, whenit is basically all fairy tales ? who gave him the moral high ground, esp. the catholic church and the abuse that always seems to be attached to it.

mummyto2monkeys · 27/06/2016 17:23

As a Christian myself, yanbu! It is like he took the chance to tell you how much he disapproves of your lifestyle. I teach my children the tolerance that is taught through Jesus, when the adulterous woman was about to be stoned to death, Jesus stopped the judgemental elders saying 'he who is without sin, cast the first stone'..... it is not our place to judge others, we are told to love our brothers and sisters. The only one with the right to judge is Jesus and he has shown how forgiving he is.

We are all sinners, he should be teaching his children to love and respect you, not judge you. Instead he is sinning in his pious ignorance and judgement. Worst of all, he is encouraging his children to sin. I suggest you reply with something he will understand, scripture

In Luke 6::37 Jesus taught

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."

In Luke 6 v 41 Jesus continues to teach

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brothers eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye', when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You HYPOCRITE, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye"

whois · 27/06/2016 17:23

His children may end up quite unloved and unhappy.

Quite. What a nut-job. Organised religion has a lot to answer for.

Asprilla11 · 27/06/2016 17:25

Just tell him;

"Religion shouldn't be pushed on to children, it creates extremists and then terrorists".

Not true of course but I'm sure it would shut him up!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 27/06/2016 17:25

As a non Christian, I'd tell him to fuck off. Grin

I like the fact his letter seems to say that his children haven't actually asked yet. So his future self can only think of a way to tell them that will cause them to be off with you.

Maybe he should work on that.

knowler · 27/06/2016 17:27

AYBU to feel "put out", "wrongfooted", "a bit judged"??!! Er, no. I'd be bloody fuming if I got this letter from a sibling. It's judgemental, offensive and downright rude. I'd also extremely upset about my nieces and nephews being "off" with me.

In terms of not doing anything, you sound like you have the patience of a saint (the irony!) not wanting to write back. I would certainly be writing to express how upset and hurt I have been by his judgemental little missive and how disappointing it is that his kids aren't being taught tolerance and basic good manners to be polite to people who don't share their exact religious beliefs.

Some people are truly unbelievable.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 27/06/2016 17:30

Profoundly agnostic now, I was raised in the faith by a devoutly Catholic mother. Devout, but quietly so.

I was made aware from a young age that there were a number of things she fundamentally disagreed with on religious grounds: sex before marriage, pre marital cohabitation, partners sleeping over, the usual.

But she wasn't offensive about it with me. She didn't criticise or denigrate other people's choices when she explained her views to me and the fact that I could not expect to be allowed boyfriends to stay over. And she would have put me sharply in my place if I had ever given anyone attitude or been "off" with anyone because of what my family's religious views were (not that I agreed with them).

God only knows what your brother has been saying to his kids if he truly believes that them being "off" with you is a remote possibility. Shock

He is setting his kids up for a whole world of pain if he encourages them to disparage and cold shoulder people with differing beliefs to his, especially in the modern world where co habitation, sex before marriage, civil partnership/marriage is perceived as perfectly acceptable by the majority .

user7755 · 27/06/2016 17:30

Catholic here. He's full of shit. That's a specialist religious term for people who are full of shit.

Very technical - I like it.

user7755 · 27/06/2016 17:32

I'd be tempted to write back and say 'If my children are a little bit off with you next time we see you, it's because I've told them that you are a deluded, judgemental cockwomble'

Goingtobeawesome · 27/06/2016 17:32

He might be doing stuff in the order he feels right but he hasn't taught his children manners or tolerance if they feel they can be "off" with you next time they see you.

Shallishanti · 27/06/2016 17:33

let's give the children some credit shall we- they will surely look around them and see that people can live happy decent lives regardless of belief and draw their own conclusions

corythatwas · 27/06/2016 17:33

As a Christian I'd also tell him to fuck off, Raptor. It is exactly this kind of smug self-satisfied approach that Jesus inveighed against; this is exactly what we are told in the Gospels that we must not do.

Oldraver · 27/06/2016 17:33

Are you going to reply OP ?

KurriKurri · 27/06/2016 17:33

Oh that would really piss me off - pompous git.

Just send the letter back with 'You seem to have confused me with someone who gives a fuck about your religious opinions. Love Sis.' scribbled over it with a red sharpie.

Original poster
NayaDeles · 27/06/2016 17:36

Some great food for thought here, thank you everyone. Thank you Hillfarmer for your analysis, I think you hit on some definite truths and also MrsDeVere I think you make a great point too.

There's definitely something in the fact that - the children will soon be asking - so, they haven't actually asked anything yet, This is a preemptive 'we'll be telling the children that your way of life is wrong' thing.

I'm half tempted to maybe write a letter stating something like 'thanks for the heads up. I will continue to not judge you or the way you choose to live your life.'

And shockthemonkey I do have two lovely kids Smile

OP posts:
AllegraWho · 27/06/2016 17:36

mummyto2monkeys is a Christian. OP's brother is a judgemental fuckwit bigot.

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