Pretending to be asleep to see what DH will do.

[pinksugarmouse]

So I pretend I'm asleep to see if DH will masturbate, I don't know why - it triggered when I had HG and was too ill for sex, he's never actually done anything in all these times but I lay there stiff as a mouse and each time he moves my heart starts thudding so hard like 'here we go' till sometimes I have to pretend I've had a bad dream because I actually cannot breathe.

But if DH is fast asleep and I can't get to sleep and fancy a bit of DIY I'm certainly not going to:
a) wake him up at 1am when he has to get up at 6am
b) get up and go in the bathroom (no spare bedroom here) and, what? Lie on the freezing cold floor? Pop one foot up in the back like a Tampax insertion diagram?
c) go downstairs and do it on the sofa with the dog barking his head off thinking it's morning and he wants his breakfast?

I would prefer to do it discreetly in my nice, warm bed. If DH was awake then I'd get him involved but I wouldn't wake him up if he was flat out.

"How on earth does someone's right to jerk of in bed next to you trump your feeling of discomfort."

Yes. This. OCD issues aside, it really isn't nearly half as odd to feel deeply uncomfortable about someone solo self-pleasuring beside you in your bed ffs. We are all entitled to our personal sexual boundaries based on our individual learning histories and current contexts and anxiety isn't the arbiter of that.

That should say 'Pop one foot on the bath' not in the back!

And yy U2. I had perinatal OCD and when I posted on MN in one particular context I was torn to shreds. Absolute shreds. I was incredibly distressed by the whole event at the time and I was in a very weak and vulnerable place with a very young baby with people calling me all sorts e.g. unhinged and not right in the head. I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and trying to avoid everyone, I felt like my head was going to explode. DH was incredibly worried about me and logged on and said it was like watching a wounded antelope being encircled by fricking lions, that I was becoming increasingly agitated and upset and very obviously so, and being piled upon. It was a truly terrible, terrible experience... and I am SO conscious that my experiences with OCD, though severe, were quite short-lived being perinatal and some people have years and years of this sort of experience with utter cocks who think it's entertaining and a big old larf to point the finger and laugh. It's really disgusting, to be honest.

Well it depends if your dh minded or not. If he told you he minded would you still do it? If so I would find that creepy that you were putting your desire to masturbate over his boundaries and think you were a bit of s sex pest. If he doesn't mind then, er crack on.

Do you think if you share a room with a sibling growing up its okay to do it in bed when they are in the room?

Koala You and your partner are obviously sexually compatible. My OH wants sex way more than me, he is 15 years older than me and seems obsessed with it. He seems to have such a high sex drive. He often has a wank while I'm asleep (or pretending to be asleep) I don't want him to know if I'm awake incase he expects me to join in! I'm probably not normal in that department, so I'm happy for him to do it. I know he would rather I participated. I'm sure if I told him not to he wouldn't.

As for OP I'm not quite sure what that is about.

DH and i have had sex twice this year! Not out of choice but circumstances. Do i think he wanks - of course. Would either of us expect the other to do it next to the other - no. Do you not have another room he can be private? I would expect dh to respect me enough to go away to do it if he had a much higher drive than me. I would find someone who wanted sex, instead wanking next to me quite a passive aggressive act of display, in a kind of 'look what you are making me do' way.

I have absolutely NO issues with dh masturbating pretty much anywhere but in the bed with me if I am not participating. He can do it on the front porch as far as I'm concerned. I wouldn't like him to do it in bed with me and all the twitching and the breathing and the noise. I have a sexual abuse history too. It would probably put me off fancying him if I'm brutally honest. If he wanted to crack on knowing that, it would definitely put me off him for life.

MrsKoala I understand you don't like your partner masturbating in front of you, so I agree he should respect that. My OH respects me and my boundaries, and I'm OK with him doing it in front of me (makes it sound like a regular occurrence - it really isnt). I'm not saying you're wrong not to want your partner to do it, but it's not disrespectful if you're both ok with it.

I would find someone who wanted sex, instead wanking next to me quite a passive aggressive act of display, in a kind of 'look what you are making me do' way.

What a strange way of looking at things.
I don't feel that at all. My partner sometimes masturbates if I don't feel like sex, I am happy to snuggle up to him as he sees to his needs.

That's what I said Jennifer.

And pearly, you have misunderstood me, if you are snuggling up to someone while they are doing it then you are part of the intimate act, that is something you are doing together. Somethings we do also. If however you are fast asleep you are not consenting and if you wake up mid way it would be disturbing and disrespectful for me. And if you don't wake then I think that's creepy too.

We also never ever had sex with our babies in the room.

I just think it's odd to get off when somebody is near but not a consenting part of it all.

the op has stated she was in absuive realtionship and clearly hasnt got over it

would help if you rtft

op go to the doctor and ask for counselling

He doesn't do it in bed. He's doing it in the bathroom. You must know this? They all do. Probably.

My EX, who I hate with a vengeance would masturbate bexile me in bed when he thought I was asleep, but usually woke me but I would pretend to be still sleeping ( a whole other thread). If you get an adrenaline rush from this why do you not surprise him and pitch in? I am sure he would love it. And ignore the nasty posts.

MrsKoala I don't think I'm creepy. It's not a creepy thing to do. If my DH said he minded then I wouldn't do it, but saying as he's asleep it's never come up, so to speak, and I honestly don't think he would be offended anyway. I wouldn't be bothered if I woke up to him doing it.

It's not like I'm going at it every night anyway. I never had to share a bedroom with a sibling so I don't know about that. We have three DC in a three bedroom house, so it's likely that two will always have to share. I have no idea how it will pan out when they are of an age for it to be an issue.

Ignore the unkind and deliberately cruel. Not appropriate, not helpful.

Please ask for some sort of counselling, you deserve to be happier and sleeping properly! I don't think DH will do it beside you if he hasn't yet (but if he did I wouldn't worry if he genuinely thought you were asleep - i think that's ok tbh).

Pls do ignore some totally silly replies
I don't know why people respond when they have nothing good to say. If you don't understand then ask for further clarification before gunning down a wounded Lion.
I have never been in an abusive relationship sexually so don't no wot to say.
But do you have someone you can trust to speak to if you can't spk to ur gp like a family member or friend u can truly trust. I wouldn't expect my DH to try that at all let alone next to me so I totally understand but I don't have thoughts of him doing it.
But I do have crazy thoughts that come into my head about other things in general & I find praying about it in detail really helps. If you are religious or have a faith you can try praying about the situation. Prayer has done no one any harm.
I don't have ocd of any sort but I do get crazy thots but not one that goes on in my head though.
Sending big hugs. We r all unique in our own ways and thoughts. Why don't you try going to bed thinking about all the good things about hubby & lovely memories you have with him or what a terrific catch he is.
Don't know, might help just thought I'll share. Ignore negative comments really. I tell my kids there are bad people out there and every nasty comment they dish or act is a reflection of how sad they are. They most probably have some battles they are fighting deep down inside & rather than sort it out, lash out at everything or everyone to make themselves feel good. Hope that helps

loobyloo1234

Masturbating is normal.

It sounds as though you like the idea of "catching him".

If think you both need to communicate with each other better on a sexual level.

May I offer a man's point of view:

1. Sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship

It leads to intimacy and closeness and sharing and long-term friendship
If you are avoiding sex then you are building up major long-term problems

1. If he is a good and gentle man he will accept that the woman is the gatekeeper to intimacy and respect your rejection

But inside he will be angry at the rejection
Not just angry - but SEETHING with frustration

1. We have a circle of friends where the wife recently found out that her husband had been having an affair for the past 10 years

Whose fault was that ?

1. Even if you don't look forward to it, plan a time at least once a week where you have sex

You might even find that that you enjoy it

1. If he is not very good at sex, then help him

Help him find the parts that he has never found before and do the things together that you might only fantasise about

1. If he is a normal fit man he will wake with a strong morning erection and want good sex

1. If he is overweight then help him eat better and lose weight

Encourage him to do some exercise and his libido will go through the roof Maybe a 30 minute brisk walk together at the weekend will help you both improve your intimacy and even your libido !

Welcome and encourage this change - good sex is so life-affirming
.

rufus that is one of the most sexist posts I have read on mumsnet.

" Even if you don't look forward to it, plan a time at least once a week"

My skin crawls at the thought.

*But inside he will be angry at the rejection
Not just angry - but SEETHING with frustration" you sound like a nasty man and I have no idea why you think you are a self appointed spokesman for half of the human race.

rufus if you feel angry towards a woman who won't have sex with you then you need some serious help.

Rufus- whose fault was it then if not the husband who had the affair?