Pretending to be asleep to see what DH will do.

[pinksugarmouse]

So I pretend I'm asleep to see if DH will masturbate, I don't know why - it triggered when I had HG and was too ill for sex, he's never actually done anything in all these times but I lay there stiff as a mouse and each time he moves my heart starts thudding so hard like 'here we go' till sometimes I have to pretend I've had a bad dream because I actually cannot breathe.

You need to talk to him, not us! You're living with an obsessive fear. You need to talk it through. You can talk through why it would bother you if he did.

better for him to do it himself rather than with someone else, can you talk to him about your concerns ?

What is is HG??

Sorry,what does HG stand for?

I don't get this at all - are you saying you'd be jealous of his hand op?

Or does part of you get a bit of a kick out of the thought of 'catching him at it'? You did mention getting a bit of an adreneline rush...

Either way, he'd be doing nothing wrong if he was having a quick one. I don't understand how you've turned it into such a big issue.

Did you over hear sex when you when you were younger and did it leave confused?

Op it sounds like you have bad anxiety. I can relate to that. I have had it in the past over different things. Perhaps yours is related to sex because of your previous abusive relationship, who knows. Is your baby quite young? Could this be triggered by stress/tiredness etc of having a new baby?

If you go to your gp you don't need to be specific about what it is you're worrying about. You can say you have worrying thoughts that are keeping you awake at night without going into detail about what those thoughts are. I think it would be good to speak to your husband too. Explain it isn't that you are trying to catch him out or anything, you can't help your thoughts. I hope you feel better soon op. It is terrible not being able to sleep because you are worrying. I've been there but it can get better. x

when I was sick with HG I was always reminding my OH to do it! I worried he'd be toot tired and not bother and it's important for health!

ABCalways....
Your reply has just had me in fits of giggles - out loud with children asking what I'm laughing at! So funny... actually might just work, pinks uvarovite, to open up communication.. Sorry still giggling!

As so many have said you would benefit from speaking to your gp about this, the invasive thoughts have escalated to such a point that this is happening to you every single night. You can overcome this.

Funny what other people find find funny, eh lubyloo44?

I honestly feel this is the first step to self help by posting this, it would be better to support her and don't be negative.

Personally it wasn't till on MN that i realised that someone laying next to you and just jerking off regardless of whether you are there or not is a thing. I would be really angry if anyone did that. I think it's hugely disrespectful to masturbate in the presence of someone, even if they are your regular sexual partner. I would liken it to a form of abuse where you are having to be witness to a sexual act that you are not participating in - just like any kind of abuse/assault this can also be done to someone who you are married to and has previously consented on another occasion. I think all sexual acts done in the company of others should be mutual. However, i would have no problem if someone does it not in my presence - so i can agree with you there OP.

But the idea of laying there waiting for it is odd and it is something that can easily be cleared up by just having a conversation. Ie 'hey Roy, just so you know if you are going to wank can you do it in private? I feel grossed out by the thought of someone doing it while i'm asleep/next to me if i'm not joining in'

DH and i had almost this exact conversation when we first moved in together. I like to rythmically move my feet up and down to drift off and dh felt the motion and quite horrified said 'Are you wanking!!!?' i said no, equally horrified he would think i'd just be cracking one out without inviting him to join in. We both agreed we thought it was not on to do this to someone who wasn't in the mood or involved.

Could you have a conversation like that OP?

Huh. When I read the title I thought you were worried he might try to rape you in your sleep or something.
Why are you so worried that he might masturbate when he actually never has done it?

@MrsKoala: So, you think men who have to share a prison cell with another men should not masturbate, ever? Because the other man has to witness it?

Some silent masturbating is not the same as sexual assault. At least if the "doing it in the presence of others" is because you don't have a separate bedroom. (Different with men who wank in public and want to be seen, obviously.)

You may feel a bit hurt because you don't get to participate, but ...

MrsKoala - I agree that if someone doesn't like the idea, and their partner knows that, it would be disrespectful to masturbate in their presence. In an odd way though I find it more intimate than sex - that is, you have to feel more intimate with someone to be comfortable with masturbating in front of them (or them masturbating in front of you) than you need to feel to have sex with them. Having said that, I would find it creepy in the early stages of a relationship when it would have overtones (to me) of being sexually aggressive.

I think that is probably the one and only place i can imagine you don't have the opportunity to have privacy so i can see why that would have to happen. But i think if you have other opportunities for privacy it is disrespectful and rude and could be quite disturbing if you just knock one out regardless.

And it isn't that i would be hurt i didn't get to participate, i would be offended i was being forced to be present during a sexual act i am not party to. Even if you don't have a second bedroom i'm sure someone has a bathroom or a living room to go to.

If i dozed of and a stranger on a train rubbed one out under their trousers it would feel the same.

DH was in the army and they have to share barracks and it is really frowned upon to do it while in bed next to others. That's what the toilet/shower is for apparently!

So you are pretending to be asleep whilst on mumsnet - hasn't he noticed you typing ? On a serious note it's never healthy in a relationship to want to control our partners - we all need some freedom & privacy . Otherwise when does it stop , telling him what he can & cannot eat ?

It sounds like OCD to me. I have OCD, I understand your thought process completely.

Go see your GP

Ignore people who are being nasty.

I'm pretty disgusted with some of the callous replies to this post.

OP, I was in an abusive relationship and I can really relate to what you're going through, if the abuse involves anything sexual it can get you all kinds of twisted.

You should really consider looking into CBT therapy, it was incredibly helpful for me and many others I've spoken to.

My son asked me if he should be honest about his OCD and intrusive thoughts with new friends.

I am so glad that I told him to choose who he tells what to and be very picky with who he trusts.

This thread reminds me why I had to tell him that, because people take the piss and they are mean when they don't understand things.

I don't think saying please don't masturbate next to me is controlling or remotely the same as telling someone what to eat.

I think it's fine to not like it just as if both of you don't mind that's fine too. But if one of you doesn't like it that boundary should be respected and not considered controlling or prudish. How on earth does someone's right to jerk of in bed next to you trump your feeling of discomfort. Unless you are going to drip feed you are in prison and your dh is your cell mate I can't see why he couldn't go somewhere else.

Not that it has even happened, so it is just your anxiety over it possibly happening. However, I don't think you are u for not liking the idea of it. You can put your sexual boundaries where you like. But just make them clear to him and then you might get some sleep!

Im so glad that I told him to be careful with who he tells what to

I think this is definitely anxiety related - I had a similar experience after having ds - won't go into details but was driving myself mad if dh was going to .... think it was lack of confidence etc at the time but also was very hyper in all I was doing at the time. This is years ago, but ended up where I started to get anxious in all sorts of situations, particularly shops and now I have basically agoraphobia .... please speak to GP .... and people, please don't think things are jokes or trolls just because it seems odd to you. If OP has had traumatic experiences, they can culminate in all sorts of ways in which others wouldn't understand unless they had been there.
Hope you can get sorted soon

And if DH did masturbate next to me when Im sleeping I would go fucking mad. I don't care that he does it but I don't want him doing it next to me when I'm asleep and I don't care if others think that is controlling.

Completely agree with Koala