To want my daughter to tell me her degree results?

[ALaughAMinute]

Results came out on Thursday and although I've asked her several times she wont tell me so I'm beginning to think the worst. Is there anyway I can find out?

I'm so upset.

I find it strange that the op doesnt want to phone her dd but was prepared to phone the university.

How is wanting to know my daughters results controlling?

I don't think anyone thinks you are controlling for wanting to know. I think most of the people who think you are controlling, it's because you seem to be demanding to know and in a time scale that suits you. Wanting to know is natural and understandable but - as with any other aspect of an adult's life (she must be at least 21?) - who they tell and when they tell has to be their own decision. And it is unreasonable (though understandably frustrating) to not respect that.

If you knew she had been trying for a baby, for example, it wouldn't be reasonable to keep texting her asking if she was pregnant this month and to consider phoning her doctor to ask when she didn't answer your texts

I feel sorry for you - and your ex - and I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. However I think you've now done all you can; she knows that you want to know the result and if you keep asking it will just make her clam up more. I think you have to take a step back now and wait - and hope - that she tells you. I disagree with posters who say you have no right to know.

I think considering you've been there from the first day of her education in reception and you supported her to the end (from the sound of it) that yes you do have a right to know, absolutely.

Op I think you have to remember on mn people talk garbage they wouldn't say to friends in rl. Of course it's entirely reasonable to wonder what her results are. You also have a right to know having emotionally and financially supporting her.

If she is hardworking and academic maybe she has just missed a first and is disappointed? This happened to my ds and it was all really flat for him, he didn't celebrate at all and we couldn't really make it ok for him.

She will tell you soon, I don't believe she doesn't know.

I feel sorry for some of the posters on here if they think it's reasonable to not tell parents major life events when they have a relatively good relationship with them. If they were NC I'd understand obviously, but parents aren't just another two people - they're people who've brought you up, supported you etc, and I'm surprised people wouldn't want to tell their parents important life events - families aren't just a group of random strangers! It's nothing to do with money IMO. It's about being a family, not just adults. As a adult my dad wouldn't need to tell me if he had a serious illness or lost his job ut I'd be loody hurt and betrayed if he didn't. Yes the daughter is an adult, ut she's also a daughter, not just a stranger

Maybe she wants to surprise you somehow.
Maybe she's worried she messed up and hasn't plucked up the courage to find out herself yet.

There are so many possibilities, but she's an adult and can do it her way. Be patient.

I think you have to remember on mn people talk garbage they wouldn't say to friends in rl

Just because you disagree with it, doesn't mean it's garbage or something people wouldn't say IRL. As hard as it is for parents, I don't think paying for things gives you a right to know. At what stage does that end? The university don't tell parents, regardless of whether they've paid.

I appreciate all that my parents have done for me. But despite their financial support, I have the right to tell them some things in my own time, or not at all.

Of course you want to know and you have a right to know. Does she owe the university money for accommodation or something else? My son was cagey about his results so I rang uni and eventually someone told me he owed a term's rent and they wouldn't let him graduate till it was settled. I paid there and then (as you do unfortunately) and he got his result and graduated.

Just had 2 texts with some great news!

The first text said she didn't have wifi and had to top up her 4G....and half an hour later I got another text to say she got a 2:1 Thanks all. I'm so happy!

oh wow I didn't know that mycrane....mine has no chance then

I feel sorry for some of the posters on here if they think it's reasonable to not tell parents major life events when they have a relatively good relationship with them

Why do you feel sorry for them? There could be all sorts of things going on. I have a good relationship with my parents, on the whole. However, I have learned the difficult way that my mother and I have very different attitudes to privacy. So if I tell her something, I might as well tell the whole blinking world. There are some important life events that actually I want kept relatively private, so I sometimes take my time telling her.

However, that's no reason to feel sorry for me. I have a pretty good relationship with my mum. She just overshares and I'm a bit wary of that.

I would want to know and be a bit hurt if DD didn't tell me - mind you sounds like your DD hasn't actually found out yet?
But I'd try not to think that I had a right to know and that it was her "moral duty" to tell me.
I think your relationship with your adult children is something like a privilege that you both have to work at for mutual benefit, support, and enjoyment.

However I think the text you sent was good.
I'd be dying to give her a call though, but then I don't really do texting

congratulations

Ah, X post OP.
Congrats to your DD - and to you, why not?

How lovely . You must be so happy and relieved it was only a wi-fi prob that prevented her passing on the glad tidings.

Is your DD usually manipulative and prone to winding you up?

If not why would you come to the conclusion that she is avoiding checking her degree result to wind you up?

Why is this all about you and your "rights"?

If my DD shut down, hid away, wouldn't check her exam result days after it was released for an apparently silly reason like lack of wifi, I would be bloody worried about her!

But you are prepared to forgive her if its true she doesn't have wifi (so if there is another reason, such as her being terrified of disappointing you or having a mini or not so mini crisis or break down because of her perceived failure or fear of having failed you won't forgive her presumably), you are upset, you have paid out good money and know your rights (I think you mean she has a responsibility to tell you, not she has a "moral right to tell you" - obviously she has a right to choose whether or not to tell you, and you think she has a responsibility to tell you...).

I am still wondering why you have expressed no concern for your daughter in all this and feel it is all about you, your rights, your upset...

Ah well cross post - storm in a tea cup!

Phone calls rather than texts would have avoided the whole sorry drama.

Congratulations to your DD.

I'm so happy ... for her
is what you meant, yeah? As this thread has been somewhat me, me, me

Yes agree, you should have just called her. And had a bit of faith in her. Seems odd that you immediately jumped to the conclusion she was deliberately hiding things.

I think some posters have been terribly unfair here on OP. She has supported her dd financially and emotionally through university - she deserves to know the results of that input.
Congratulations on the 2:1 OP's DD!

oh lovely - do you think she was expecting a 1st and had to 'process' the result she actually got before telling you, particularly if you are going to be acting like it's something to celebrate (which it is!!!) but she wasn't at that stage yet?

Brilliant op, some of the horrible posts on here have been very enlightening as to the weird dynamic some people have with their dc, glad you're ok.