To want my daughter to tell me her degree results?

[ALaughAMinute]

Results came out on Thursday and although I've asked her several times she wont tell me so I'm beginning to think the worst. Is there anyway I can find out?

I'm so upset.

[ALaughAMinute]

Well i just thought, its his life. He needs to get on with it. I moved on. I was more interested in what he was going to do with his life.

Brilliant Dinosaur! I wish I could adopt the same attitude but I'm finding it really hard.

My ex just texted her about something else and asked her again if she had her results. She responded to his first question but ignored the question about the results. Oh, fuck! I don't know what to do. I really want to phone her but I'm frightened she will bite my head off!

My relationship with my daughter is fairly good on the whole but seems to have changed for the worst since the divorce tbh.

Just pouring myself a glass of wine and trying to calm down.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Tbh the OP's lack of concern for her daughter (could she have failed and be putting her head in the sand about a job offer now not being valid etc, could she be really unhappy, if her behaviour is wildly out of character could she be upset? Could something else have happened?) and focus on her own need and "right " to know and her own emotional reactions don't bode well for a supportive mother in a normal and healthy relationship with her adult child. Additionally the OP has said they don't get on atm.

[MrsJayy]

Phone her do you think she is still upset about the divorce ? Dont obsess over it honestly you will drive yourself nuts

[FoggyBottom]

OP Don't embarrass yourself and use up a busy admin person's time pointlessly - they won't give you her results. It's against the law, basically.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

I'd call.

I'd call and leave a message (because she knows what you're going to ask so probably won't pick up) something like "sweetheart I can tell you're worried about telling me and dad your results. I don't know why, it's not important. If they're not what you expected we want to be able to support you, if it's disappointment that's stopping you from sharing."

[ALaughAMinute]

OP it's ok to be unreasonable yaknow. Thanking people for agreeing with you is a bit

Velour, yeah maybe, but some people have been a bit rude so I just wanted to thank those who were helpful.

Well done on your results!

[MoonfaceAndSilky]

Mind your own business, you sound like a blooming nightmare!

It's her daughter, it is her business.

[FoggyBottom]

Re your divorce - you're not the only one affected by divorce. By divorcing, however sensible a decision that was for you and your exH, you have broken up her family. She has a right to her own feelings about that, and you should respect her responses even if you don't like them.

I was older than your daughter when my parents divorced, and I kept my distance some time . Between them, they had destroyed the story they'd been telling about our family, and my childhood. I needed to process my feelings and I didn't want to let them in on those feelings - your daughter may be very disappointed about her results and the break up if her family. She may not want you interfering or intruding on painful feelings just at the moment.

Have some empathy and respect for your daughter as someone separate from you.

[ImperialBlether]

Are you or anyone you know on her Facebook?

I'm really surprised that some people think the OP should mind her own business. It's her daughter! If she's supported her emotionally over the years she's been studying, then of course she wants to know, either to congratulate her or commiserate with her.

And, frankly, it's really upsetting getting divorced and her daughter could show her a bit more consideration at the moment.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

You posted in Am I being unreasonable OP.

Most people said it's understandable to be upset but unreasonable to try to find out her results behind her back, so you are a bit unreasonable - this is helpful, AIBU helps people get things in perspective, people post elsewhere for practical or relationship advice.

Nobody was rude til you wrote "thank you to those who have agreed I am not unreasonable"

Posting that is a good indication of why your DD might not always be eager or willing to share everything with you - whatever her results it sounds as if you will make the situation all about you.

[ImperialBlether]

Hasn't she been able to work out her likely grade up until now? My children had it all worked out as modules were weighted and marks given, so the end result was only going to be between two grades. You can't suddenly get a Third when you were expecting a 2.1, or a 2.2 when you were expecting a First. What did she get in previous years and what did she get in her dissertation?

[MrsJayy]

I know i was probably harsh but this is the op child and the op is upset about this you expect children to share important news but we the parents need to not pry ime 1 of my Dc can be cagey about stuff and its frustrating

[Nobloodynamesleft]

YANBU at all! It is highly unusual to not share this news. Let's hope she's just processing getting a lower than expected classification and not blown the whole thing. Just let her know how proud you are of her going to university at all. I would take control of the situation and give her a ring. Do you think the divorce may have affected her studies more than you realised and she is blaming you both for perhaps not being successful ? Either way, it will all come right in the wash

[ImperialBlether]

I doubt it, Euphemia. If she'd done well she'd want to share the news, surely? A lot of parents don't mind if their children don't want to go to the graduation.

[ALaughAMinute]

Foggy I agree that divorce effects the whole family and I am mindful of that. I feel sad for my children but I waited until my youngest was 18 and given the circumstances I feel I did my best.

I just sent her a little text saying we are very proud of her and would support her no matter what. I'm not going to say or do anything else. I will just wait and see if she responds.

[DotForShort]

I think that is a very wise course of action. She will tell you when/if she is ready.

[DeathStare]

I was going to phone the uni anonymously, is that so terrible?

Yes it would be terrible. She's an independent adult and while I understand your frustration it's up to her to tell you when she's ready. If she had a job would you think it's ok to ring her boss and ask them to tell you about her performance review?

In any case it won't work. I worked in HE for a number of years and there are absolutely no circumstances in which they will give you (or anyone else) this information. They won't even confirm to you that she is one of their students. They are aware that sometimes other people try to do this and have procedures in place to make sure they don't get the info. They may however email her to let her know somebody was asking - in which case she will put 2 and 2 together and it will ruin your relationship with her.

[Kennington]

I didn't ho and pick up my results for several days and therefore didn't tell my parents because I didn't know. In the end one of my friends went to see the list and told me.
Don't remember why this happened but I was exhausted and fed up, that's all!

[CaptainCrunch]

Schwab your post is totally inaccurate, op was called a controlling over involved loon well before she posted thanks for the support, you might want to bother reading the the thread before you accuse people of things they haven't done.

[Windsofwinter]

I would have just called her in the first place. If my mum had just texted me instead of actually making the effort to speak to me I'd probably have sulked about telling her because I wouldn't think she seemed interested.

[DeathStare]

Hasn't she been able to work out her likely grade up until now? My children had it all worked out as modules were weighted and marks given, so the end result was only going to be between two grades. You can't suddenly get a Third when you were expecting a 2.1, or a 2.2 when you were expecting a First.

Yes you can. Usually you have to have all or most of your CATS credits within the grade boundaries of the degree classification (or above). If you have final exams you could in theory blow a couple of exams and really drop your overall grade.

You can also fail exams/coursework and have to resit that module later in the summer before you can graduate

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

It is none of your business. At all. Regardless of what support you provided, or anything else like that. It is simply fuck all to do with you. Respect your child's choices and she may tell you in time. Push it and she may dog her heels in and you'll know nothing and will deserve every freeze-out you're given.

[Libitina]

It's her daughter, it is her business.

Her daughter is an adult. It is none of her business.