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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my daughter to tell me her degree results?

268 replies

ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 14:07

Results came out on Thursday and although I've asked her several times she wont tell me so I'm beginning to think the worst. Is there anyway I can find out?

I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Boiledfart · 25/06/2016 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 25/06/2016 17:52

Who called her a crazy loon Captain? I had read the thread and have just skimmed it again and don't see that comment, though I admit I might have missed posts reading on my phone.

Justaskingnottelling · 25/06/2016 17:52

I'm really grateful to mumsnet helping to understand about having stronger boundaries and respecting my children's. My mother was pretty obtrusive when I was growing up (ringing up a friend's to check I was where I said I was at 9pm when I was 18 or making me take back an item of clothing I'd bought with my own money which she didn't like at the same age, that kind of thing). It can make you over-invested in your children's lives, and I'm trying to work on that. Op, it might be something to consider, how you relate to your daughter. I'm sure you are wanting to share the joy with her, and that's great but it's also important to respect her feelings. However hard, you're going to have to distract yourself until she's ready to talk to you. You respecting that will be an important part of being able to build a trusting, respectful relationship going forward.

Justaskingnottelling · 25/06/2016 17:54

*helping me

MsRinky · 25/06/2016 17:56

Sounds to me like she is disappointed with her result, and blames the emotional upheaval you've caused her by divorcing. You need to let go of the idea that you are entitled to this information and back off.

ImperialBlether · 25/06/2016 17:57

DeathStare, I suppose it depends on how the modules are run. Both of mine had 2nd year results which accounted for 40%. They took some 3rd year modules in January, so knew those results. They had a dissertation worth up to 40% of the 3rd year marks and had a good idea what that would get. It would have been very hard for them to drop two grades. It does depend, of course, on how close you are to grade boundaries.

2muchcrap · 25/06/2016 17:58

Those who say it's none of her business. Who funded it? Presumably OP paid towards it. I'd say that def makes it her business. If not then no.

Goingtobeawesome · 25/06/2016 17:58

Don't ask again and then in a few days maybe send the text the pp said about being worried and wanting to support but can't if you don't know if something is wrong , what it is. Then leave it.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 25/06/2016 17:59

DH is a university administrator. There is absolutely no way the university will tell you her results. Not anonymously, not if you say you are her mum, not, in his words, if you are the fucking queen.

LouBlue1507 · 25/06/2016 18:02

I like how OP isn't answering certain questions.. Did you help financially? What would your reaction be if DD hasn't done so well? Hmm

LosingTheWillToSkate · 25/06/2016 18:03

Stop texting her! When someone isn't replying to your texts it's generally because they don't want to, it isn't an invitation to bombard them with even more.

You don't have a right to know. You want to know, fair enough, but you don't have a right to. The uni will not tell you her results whether you phone as her mother or anonymously.

If your split is relatively recent then perhaps she just doesn't want to endure a graduation with you both there pretending you're a happy family.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 25/06/2016 18:06

2much most students don't have fees paid up front by parents.

If her parents helped towards her living costs (which not all do) are you saying this comes with strings attached?

If she worked and took out loans does she still owe her parents full transparency if they didnt cjarge her rent during A levels, regardless of how they will react to her results?

Are you of the opinion adult children are obligated to their parents for the money spent feeding and clothing them as children, rather than bound by mutual love and respect?

Have you set out for your children exactly what strings are attached to any financial support you may give them? Is there a sliding scale? Can they chose how obligated to be in return for various levels of financial support?

DeathStare · 25/06/2016 18:06

Who funded it? Presumably OP paid towards it. I'd say that def makes it her business.

Unless she had an explicit agreement with her DD about being told the results and when she'd be told, then it's still none of her business.

DD is an adult and entitled to privacy. If she thought she was accepting the money without conditions then it's wrong to try to impose conditions later.

ClopySow · 25/06/2016 18:11

Jesus fucking christ. This thread is fucking bonkers. Are you all angry about something else and fancy shredding someone for fuck all?

OP yanbu. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about wanting to know her results and feeling worried about it.

Oh. And Nobody was rude til you wrote "thank you to those who have agreed I am not unreasonable

What a load of shit.

LouBlue1507 · 25/06/2016 18:14

OP yanbu. There is absolutely nothing unreasonable about wanting to know her results and feeling worried about it

Nobody has said OP is unreasonable for want to know, it's the suggestion of trying to find out behind her daughter's back! Looking online and wanting to phone the uni! Angry

ClopySow · 25/06/2016 18:16

Oh really? that's not how the thread reads at all.

randomer · 25/06/2016 18:18

suggest you abandon texting. Try to meet up,coffee or a meal. If she is a studious student perhaps she had her heart set on a first. Maybe this to her kind of made up for other things not going so well.
Could it be the break up of a relationship she was in? Just a thought.

LouBlue1507 · 25/06/2016 18:22

Maybe you should read the whole thread then...

BringMeTea · 25/06/2016 18:23

YANBU. On the face of it, it is very weird behaviour on her part. Hope it is resolved soon.

ClopySow · 25/06/2016 18:23

I did. I noticed how many times you said controlling...

Gabilan · 25/06/2016 18:26

My son operates on a need to know basis and at the age of 26 still refuses to tell me his GCSE results

My secondary school expressly said that no-one was to go into the school and get results but we were to wait until they were posted to us. So my mum turned into that parent and went in to get them. And opened the envelope and knew my results before I did. Almost 30 years later this still rankles. For a long time it affected what I would share with her.

Anyway, OP out of my housemates, one was stoked he got a 2:2 because he thought he'd get a 3rd. One was happy with a 2:1. One was disappointed with a 2:1 because he wanted a first. One got a first but was peeved she didn't get a prize for her dissertation. So even if she's a bit disappointed, it doesn't mean she's done badly.

It is however a good idea to back off. She won't thank your for snooping and I have a feeling (from my biased perspective because of my mother!) that there's a bit more back story about why she won't tell you.

LouBlue1507 · 25/06/2016 18:26

That's how OP was coming across, and I'm not the only one who thought it...

Original poster
ALaughAMinute · 25/06/2016 18:28

She just texted exh to say the results are online but she hasn't seen them yet because she hasn't got wifi yet in her new flat (they moved into it a week ago).

WTF? I'm beginning to think she's trying to wind us up!

Why doesn't she drive to MacDonalds to get wifi? Strange!

OP posts:
randomer · 25/06/2016 18:30

eh???

ImperialBlether · 25/06/2016 18:38

Can't she use her phone?

How far from you is she?

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