To want my daughter to tell me her degree results?

[ALaughAMinute]

Results came out on Thursday and although I've asked her several times she wont tell me so I'm beginning to think the worst. Is there anyway I can find out?

I'm so upset.

[Justaskingnottelling]

Dum you sound absolutely lovely and focused on what is best for your children rather than yourself. Sure none of us will get it right all of the time but you seem to be doing a fantastic job.

Randomer, so sorry that happened to you. Just cos you get to be 18 doesn't mean you don't need any support. I think the issue here was more about the OP making demands and having rights that trumped those of her daughter - which in my view is damaging in its own way. Others obviously think that's fine though.

[ukpor]

Maybe she hated uni and just doesn't want to attend graduation - that was the case for me. If she had a dissertation, she definitely didn't drop out. If you know the date of the graduation ceremony, you can get the booklet for her course it will be published there. Do you know her friends from uni they may be able to give you some info.
Having said that if you contributed towards her university education, YANBU she should let you know. My parents demanded to know what I graduated with as they paid for my course; which I think is only fair. I didn't want to tell them initially. I just didn't want a fuss etc etc even though I got a 2:1 masters in pharmacy.

[simiisme]

YANBU What mother wouldn't want to know? I think any Mum on here who's saying, 'None of your business' is remarkable. Also, kidding themselves.
I would send a text / email saying that, whatever the outcome, she has your unwavering support. Perhaps that will persuade her to open up to you.

[Momer]

When one of my sons checked his results online he called me over to double check as he didn't believe what he was seeing. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling not knowing.

[MissDuke]

Glad its all sorted op and that she got a great classification

I am in my 30's and fully intend to ring my mum the minute I get my classification results so I don't think you were unreasonable at all

[KissMyArse]

So it's all been sorted I'm too late to suggest hacking her Facebook account so you can check her PMs.

(disclaimer: just joking, obviously)

Glad things are okay

[SarfEast1cated]

I'm happy for you too OP, I think lots have been really hard on you, I fully sympathise with you. Congrats to your daughter on the 2:1

[Beeziekn33ze]

Storm in a teacup indeed! I hope OP's DD doesn't see this thread!

[falange]

YANBU. If you have supported her with financial help while she's been at Uni then she should tell you and she's being cruel by not telling you.

[Schwabischeweihnachtskanne]

Not one single poster said it was unusual for the OP to want to know and feel a bit upset that her DD didn't seem to want to either find out the results or to tell her once she knew them.

However what I felt the OP was shockingly unreasonable about was thinking this was all about her!

If I thought my DD hadn't bothered finding out her results days after the fact I'd be massively worried about her mental health or ability engage with real life and to face what she thought would be poor results.

If I thought my DD knew her results and wasn't telling me I'd be worried that she was not coping with accepting what the results were - feeling like a failure even if the results were OK (plenty of self critical perfectionists are hysterically disappointed at what would be a great result to many others, and feel embarrassed and ashamed to tell others feeling that they should have done better) - even more so if they weren't and she felt she'd wasted 3 years and thousands of pounds of debt, she would have no graduate level job prospects and everyone would be upset with her - that sort of thing can drive people to suicidal thoughts...

Yet the OP was all "me, me, me - I am upset, I am not unreasonable to go behind her back and ring her university for the results because I have a right to know, I might forgive her for not telling me yet but only if it is true about the wifi fail"

[KissMyArse]

Not one single poster said it was unusual for the OP to want to know and feel a bit upset that her DD didn't seem to want to either find out the results or to tell her once she knew them.

Well to be honest I wold have said it if I hadn't arrived on the thread after it was all done and dusted.

I was hanging around my son like a bad smell on results day

[KissMyArse]

• would
  
  

[Queenie3]

If she'd been on whatsapp all day lovely she had internet. Maybe she just wanted to celebrate with her bf for a little while X

[ShtoppenDerFloppen]

I am in my 40s and recently returned to school. I am CONSTANTLY being asked about my marks, and frankly it is annoying.

I am perhaps excessively driven to succeed and so my marks are good in the eyes of others. However, they are not high enough for me. When my ILs or DH ask about recent evaluations it leads me to ruminate on what I have done poorly in my own eyes.

For a young person who is still in the developing phase of independence, this feeling may be magnified. That could explain why she didn't work harder to seek out wifi access to check her results sooner, or jump to respond when being drilled for information by both of her parents.

It also may explain why she isn't keen to attend graduation.

[viviantaylor666]

I understand your frustration, I would be really upset if this happened to me as well. Talk to her, assure her that whatever her results are, you are going to accept it and be supportive. Try to be positive and do not attack her as things might get worse.

[Ragwort]

I think the period of parenting a kid from about 17 to mid 2O's is tough.

I agree but actually I think parenting is tough. Full stop. .

There is no 'manual' for how to be a good parent, it is easily the hardest, most difficult and to be brutally honest not very rewarding task I have ever done. What works for one parent doesn't work for another. What works one week changes the next week.

My DS is now in his mid teens, it is tough, very tough and I don't think it will get easier for a long time - it will be 'different' but still hard. And yes, I agree that older teens/early 20s still can need a lot of support (although they won't admit to it and want to be independent 'when it suits them').

[SandyY2K]

When was the graduation ceremony?
They usually list the degree classification and the names under each one.

You are not being unreasonable and any parent would want to know the results.

I suspect she has either got a third class, failed or she has dropped out before the final year. She's probably very disappointed in herself.

I would be highly disappointed if my DD withheld this info. In fact that would cause a huge rift between us, but she would be well aware of that.

[SandyY2K]

Just saw she got a 2:1. Excellent news and well done to her.

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